Chapter Twenty Three – Cici

“Hmmm, Jordan?” I murmur as hiss morning wails disturb me from my sleep. It wasn’t a great rest anyway, I’ve been waking up on and off throughout the night anyway, but that just makes this even less welcome. I slam my hand across the bed, half expecting to feel another warm body there, but nope. Will’s side of the bed is still cold and completely empty. He’s been out all night, doing God knows what, and I’m alone. “I’m just coming.”

I wearily push myself up off the bed, my entire body aching as I go. I want to just zone in on Jordan, to deal with his needs, but I can’t stop my heart from hammering with worry. If Will isn’t here, then where is he? Could he still be at work? Does he ever spend an entire night at the police station? Has he gone out to a bar and maybe picked up a woman, like he used to do all the time before me? Maybe the responsibility of a family has become too much. Or maybe something dangerous has happened. Perhaps Kingpin has finally made his move.

“Okay, Jordan,” I coo while lifting my baby up from his basket. “Come here, sweetheart.”

I ping my maternity bra down and I pull my baby to my breast to feed him. As he gets his morning feed, I stare towards the window wondering where he could be, out there in the world. I can call him. I will call him when I get a chance, but it’ll probably be pointless. He rarely answers while he’s at work.

As tears stream down my face I know this isn’t normal. I’ve been crying way too much, being with Will is utterly destroying me. I never used to be this shell of a person. Sure, I wasn’t ever as loud and in your face as Annabelle, and maybe I wasn’t the strongest person in relationships which meant I allowed myself to get walked over more than I would ever want, but this is off the scale. I feel like I’m climbing a giant mountain and the top keeps vanishing from view. I know that me and Will could be very happy, I realize that there’s something incredibly powerful between us, but is it enough? I keep telling myself that we’ll be okay when all of this is over, but what if it doesn’t end? The police seem no closer to catching Kingpin which means it might last forever.

I want Will to leave the police force, or at the very least this case, but he won’t. He’s ignored all of my pleas. It’s almost as if he can’t hear my words, he doesn’t want to understand them. It’s so frustrating. I don’t want to control his life, I don’t want to tell him what to do, but it’s like I don’t even get a say.

Maybe if we’d met in a different way, maybe if our relationship had progressed in a more natural way, he’d listen to me. Things were sped up too much by the unexpected pregnancy. But that wasn’t my fault alone.

Once Jordan has finished feeding, I set about with our morning routine. I sort out his diaper, get him cleaned up, change his clothes, and get him settled down once more. He’s starting to focus his eyes quite a bit now and he seems to like the soothing sounds and colors of children’s television. I don’t want to become one of those mothers who uses the TV as a babysitter, but I just need a moment to myself now, so that’s what I do.

“Already, baby?” I ask him with a weak smile. “I’m just going to make some phone calls.”

Immediately, I grab my cell phone and I dial Will’s number. I don’t know what I’m expecting, but I didn’t think it would go straight through to voice mail. He’s usually brilliant about getting it charged.

“Erm, Will,” I say once the beep has rung out. “Can you please call me as soon as you get this? I’m… I’m worried. I would just like to know that you’re okay. I understand that you’re mad at me, but please call.”

I hang my head low and shake it slowly once I hit the end call button. This isn’t right, something’s going on here and I’m truly freaked out. I’ve been worried about Will ever since we’ve been together, but now I’m actually really concerned. I hate that we had a fight and now he’s vanished. He might be pissed off, but I don’t think it’s like him to just not let me know where he is. It’s weird, I don’t like it at all. What can I do about it?

I scan through the contacts in my phone, wondering if there’s anyone I can call. The closest person I have to Will in my list of names is Annabelle. She could contact Landon and find out that way for me, but there’s no way I’m going to involve her. I haven’t spoken to her since we shared that shitty phone call ages ago, and apparently, she knows about Jordan and she hasn’t bothered to call, so I’m done with her. She can go to hell.

I suppose the only thing I can do is head down to the police station to see if he’s there. Then, if he isn’t, I can get assistance from his colleagues. They’re much more equipped to deal with this than me. I don’t know if they know about me or not, but now isn’t the time to worry about blowing any covers. It hardly matters who knows now anyway, we both know that. And if Will’s life really is at stake then I need to do whatever I can to protect him. He’s the father of my child and, despite everything, the man I’m crazy in love with.

As it’s Saturday, I know one person who can help me today. I don’t really want to involve Jordan in this just in case it gets a bit nuts and the case needs my full attention. I could call my mom, but she doesn’t know who Jordan’s dad is yet, whereas Michelle does. I’m sure she won’t mind sacrificing a couple of hours.

“Hello?” she answers the call right away. “Cici, how are you? It’s been ages.”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry that I’ve been a bit shit.” I rub my forehead hard. “It’s been wild. Erm, I don’t want to be that person, but I’m calling you for a reason. Do you think I could ask you a favor?

“You want to move in here?” Immediately she suspects the worse. “Of course you can. I have that spare room.”

“No, no, not that. Not yet anyway.” I don’t want to rule out the possibility. Just in case. “Actually, I wanted to know if you could watch Jordan for an hour. I need to find out what’s going on.”

“What’s happened?” Michelle snaps alert. “Oh, Cici, you sound really stressed. Is Will being a dick?”

“I just… I don’t know where he is… I need to find him. I think he might be… struggling with work.”

“Oh, right.” I think this takes her aback a bit. “Sure, I can watch Jordan. I love that little man. I haven’t seen him much since he’s been born and I think he needs to get to know his crazy Auntie Michelle.”

I let out a relieved laugh. “Thank you so much, Michelle, you have no idea what this means to me.”

“I’ll just get dressed and then I’ll be there as soon as I can. You just hang tight. Love ya! Bye.”

“Bye, Michelle, I appreciate this again. You’re the best person ever, honestly.”

Once I hang up the phone, I glance around the apartment and try to work out what I need to do to get things ready for Michelle. I haven’t yet left Jordan with anyone so it’s weird, but it won’t be for long. If I’m about to get the worst news ever then I want to protect him from that. My emotions will be haywire and I don’t want him to pick up on that. If I’m sobbing, then my poor baby will be an absolute wreck. I can’t put him through any of that. Will wants him sheltered from all of this and he’s right about that. He doesn’t need to know everything.

I tidy around, gather up everything that Michelle might need to put it in an easy place for her, and I pump some milk. He’s only just fed, but there’s no way that I can leave him with nothing. I don’t want to be long, but I might be. Then, when I feel like I’ve done everything I can, I get myself dressed. I tug on some leggings, a big baggy tee shirt, and I scrape my hair back into a pony tail. Maybe I don’t look my best, but that’s hardly a priority.

It’s only when I stare at the front door to see if Michelle is here that I see something I didn’t spot before. I guess the lack of sleep and the craziness in my brain made me miss it. But it’s strange, really odd. It has me freaked. There’s a giant white envelope which has been pushed under the door and it has my name on it.

It feels like tense music is playing as I step towards the door. It’s like I’m in the middle of a thriller movie and I’m walking towards my doom. I half expect someone to jump out at me with a knife to plunge into me while I unsuspectingly walk towards this note which contains… well, I don’t know what it contains.

Nothing happens. Of course, I’m not in the middle of some bad movie so no one jumps out and stabs me, but the nervy, edgy anticipation doesn’t go anywhere. My veins fizz and pop while I lift the envelop towards me.

“What is this?” I ask aloud, just to break the silence. “What the fuck is going on?”

It takes me a few moments, but soon I work up the courage to just tear it apart. I get a series of photographs, presumably a little bit like the one Will got of me. Only these images are all from last night, and they tell a strange story. Him, walking from the police station, him inside a bar with a blond haired beautiful woman draped across him, him, walking alone down some sketchy alleyway all by himself. None of him coming home.

Then, there’s a note. A terrifying piece of paper which makes my heart stop dead.

‘You do not know where your man is most of the time. He isn’t the person that you think he is. You have to stop him from coming for me or next time he’s alone, he’s dead. And not just him. You and that beautiful baby boy of yours as well. If that isn’t enough of a threat, then your mother, your auntie, your cousin… all of them will get it. I keep trying to tell Yoker, but he doesn’t get it. So, I’m leaving it to you. Don’t fuck up, Cici.’

He’s still alive, that’s the main thing that I get from this, but he won’t be for much longer if I let things carry on the way they are. The urgent need to find him is even more intense now. I’m itching to get out of here, I’m desperate to escape to find him. My hands shake like crazy while I wait for Michelle to arrive.

This has gone too far now. It needs to stop. Will needs to put me and our family first or we’ll all and up dead. I know he wants to do this, I get his point, but this has to be the end of it. I won’t have him killing me, Jordan, and the rest of his family for male pride alone.