Chapter Eighteen – Will

As I hold baby Jordan in my arms, I realize that my whole world has changed. The foundation that I’ve always existed on has shifted completely. He’s the center now, the focus of my universe. All the petty bullshit that’s ever come before him has vanished into nothing. It’s all about him and his little nose, his adorable mouth, his lovely eyes that are just like his mothers. It might not have been intentional, but me and Cici made this little guy. That’s going to bond us forever, that’ll solidify us for the rest of our lives. I don’t know what’s going to happen between us, but we have him to keep us together forever. We have a little man to focus on.

“He’s beautiful, isn’t he?” I say in a moony tone. “I cannot believe that we made him.”

I turn my eyes to look at Cici, who’s still looking slick with sweat and utterly exhausted. I’ve seen some strength in my time, but what she just did then was nothing short of a miracle. I cannot believe that any human can do that. Giving birth is something else! It’s awoken something inside of me, it’s made me realize that I’ve been sleeping through life for the last few weeks, focusing only on my own problems, not on what’s going on with her. I’ve been selfish, self absorbed, and now I need to be better. She deserves me to be better.

“I know, he’s lovely, isn’t he? And I’m so happy that we finally decided on a name.”

“Jordan. Jordan Yoker.” I give her a side eyed look. “He will have my surname, won’t he?”

She shrugs, clearly too tired to discuss this right now, but it has sparked something inside of me. I want Jordan to have my last name and I want Cici to have it as well. I want us to be a real family. I know that she was about to walk out of my life, but I can’t let that happen. Not just because I want to protect her, but because I like her a lot. I think I might more than like her. I can see her as my wife, I can imagine us really making it work.

I lie Jordan in his baby bed, now that he’s asleep and I turn to look at Cici. She’s trying to push herself into a sitting position but she’s wincing as if she’s in pain. “Do you need a nurse? What can I do to help you?”

“No, no.” She pants through the pain. “I’m okay, just… very sore, that’s all. It hurts pushing a baby out.”

I chuckle at her joke and take the seat next to her bed. There are so many unsaid things floating between us, so much that I want to say. It probably isn’t the right time, Jordan was only born a few hours ago, but I don’t want to leave it as it is. I want to make things right between us. I want us to be okay again.

“Cici, I’m sorry…” I start while reaching out to touch the soft skin of her hand. “I’m sorry for everything. I know that I’ve been shit recently and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. That was wrong of me.”

Her face stiffens, I can see the tension flooding her. That wasn’t what I wanted to happen. “It’s okay. I know that you’ve been through a hard time recently. I understand with what’s happened and everything…”

Urgh, another memory of Andre. It’s so painful to think about him. It’s crushing me inside. But much as it’s horrible, I know that Andre wouldn’t want me to give up on life. If he knew about me and Cici, then he’d want me to look after her and to make her happy as well. And our child… well he’d want me to do everything for him. He’d want me to fucking get this Kingpin and to bury him six feet under. For him and all of us.

“Yeah, I know. It hasn’t been easy but that’s no excuse for what I’ve done. I’ve treated you like shit. I’ve been switched off and I haven’t done anything to help you out, even though you’ve needed it.”

She lifts her eyes off our hands and she looks at me dead in the eyes. “So, what are we going to do?”

“I… I don’t know,” I admit. “But I think that’s something we should talk about, don’t you?”

“You have me now,” she says quietly. “And you have Jordan. Maybe you should rethink your job. Or not necessarily your job, I’m sure you don’t want to give up being a cop, but your role on this case. Andre has already…” She stops when she sees me flinch. “Sorry, but I don’t want the same to happen to you.”

“Cici. I love you.” As soon as those words come out of my mouth, I realize just how true they are. I do actually love her. I’ve been falling in love with her ever since the very first day that I met her. “I love you a lot, and I want to give you everything. I want to be with you, to be the best version of myself for you because I know that you deserve that. I want to be your man. I even want to be your husband one day…”

She sucks in a shocked breath. “Will, what are you saying? Are you listening to yourself?”

“I am, and it’s true.” I smile and nod, accepting it fully. “I do love you and I want all of that.”

“I… I love you too.” She furrows her eyebrows at me. “Why do I feel like there’s a ‘but’ coming?”

“Because there is,” I admit. “I love you, but this is something that I need to do. It’s wonderful to think about leaving this case and moving on to something else, but I can’t. Kingpin has targeted me, and it’s gone too far for me to change that now. He wants it to be me, he wants me to be the one who find him. It’s a cat and mouse game.”

“But surely that’s even more reason to walk away? To protect me and Jordan?”

“I can see where you’re coming from, I really can, but that isn’t right. I have to solve this.”

I beg her to understand me again, just like she has done every other time. The best thing about Cici is that she usually understands what I’m about without me needing to explain, but this might be a step too far.

“Okay.” She finally nods slowly, agreeing with me. “Right, I see. So, what about us?”

“I’m doing this to keep you safe, because I love you both…”

“No.” Cici shakes her head, shutting me down. “I don’t mean that, I mean practically.”

“I still want you to live with me, I still want you there so I know you’re both safe. I know it isn’t ideal, I’m aware that I’ve put you through a lot, but I want us to give it another go. Can we do that?”

Cici pauses and I can see her chewing the inside of her mouth. She’s thinking about this, probably trying to work out any other way that she can make this work, but thankfully in the end she nods and agrees with me.

“Yeah, okay. That’s okay. But if I’m going to live with you I want you to be more honest with me. I don’t feel like you’re protecting me by keeping me in the dark. I would much rather know.”

That’s something I can’t promise. There’s no way I can lay everything on the line because of police confidentiality and safety. Cici doesn’t get it, I am keeping her safe, but I can do more.

“I’ll be more honest,” I promise her. “I’ll tell you what I can tell you, okay?”

She doesn’t look impressed, but in the end, she agrees. “Okay fine. If I need to know it. You must tell me.”

At that moment, Jordan starts crying again, demanding our attention. We both spin our eyes to look at him and smile together. Having a common goal, someone to protect will only bring us closer. It isn’t going to be easy, there will be bumps along the way, but I think together we can do it. Now that we’re a little more open to one another, now that I’ve brought my walls down, I feel like we’ll be okay in the end.

“Pass my baby here,” Cici says with a smile. “I think he’s a hungry boy and he needs a feed.”

She’s got a natural maternal instinct too, which is amazing to see. I’m awe struck by her, I find her fascinating. I can’t wait to see her blooming in this role. Now, it’s up to me to make sure that happens smoothly. I have to make sure that Kingpin never learns about me and Cici. It’s the only way…

“Do you think it might be time to start telling people?” Cici asks me quietly. “I don’t mean everyone, just, like, family and stuff?” She gives me a hopeful look. “I don’t want my mom to find out in a few months’ time that I have a baby, she’ll never forgive me! Can I just tell her? I won’t even tell her that you’re the father?”

As she raises a heart stopping eyebrow at me, I find myself unable to resist. Not all families are distant like mine, I barely speak to my parents. I know from the wedding that Cici comes from a close knit set up. I can’t stop her from involving her mother in her baby’s life, that isn’t really fair, is it? I don’t have to like it. I just have to accept it and do what I can to make everyone safe. Cici clearly needs to tell her mom, which is fine.

“Sure, just your mom for now,” I tell her with a weak smile. “You know I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t think it might cause issues. I don’t want you to feel isolated. It’s just until we catch Kingpin.”

I need to do it now, there’s no more holding back. I’m going to jump on this and make sure it’s solved. Too many lives are riding on it now. I’ll stay up all night long, every night, scanning clues until I find one. I mean, there’s still that pharmaceutical company that I didn’t get to examine. With everything that’s happened with Andre, I’ve been side tracked. But now I can get back onto it. I can find out exactly what’s going on.

An excitement building in my chest, I’m ready now to get back to it. I’ve been in the office not really there in mind, but now that’s going to change. I have something to fight for again. Someone to fight for.

Cici looks up at me and she gives me a really genuine smile. “If we really do love each other, then all of this will be a blip. We’ll get past it, we’ll have a real future as a family, and this will all be a distant memory.”

Now, if that isn’t something to work towards, then I don’t know what is. The idea of being a real family with a calm and happy future is everything to me. I want that more than I ever thought I would.

“Oh, God, Cici, you are truly so amazing.” I lean down to kiss her on the forehead. “I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’m so grateful to you for giving me another chance. I really don’t want to mess it up.”

I clutch onto her, internally vowing that I’ll do everything that I can. I’m really going to be the person she deserves. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but I’ll do what I can.