They say time heals, but what if time seems to be standing still? The day changes, but my life feels like it’s staying in one spot. I’m caught in a loop and can’t seem to move forward. The colorful blur of people’s lives pass me while mine seems to be stuck in black and white, motionless.
I get up feeling groggy every morning after taking a sleep aid at night. I’ve tried to stop taking it a couple times because I hate that feeling, but it seems my mind doesn’t want to move on either when I sleep. Why does it want to keep reliving that hell?
Coffee is a must now. Before, I rarely drank it. My chai tea latte was all I needed, and I tried that once but ended up wearing two different pairs of shoes to work. Definitely not strong enough to pull me out of my sleep-induced funk.
Speaking of work, I know everyone there has good intentions, but I’m tired of people walking on eggshells around me. It’s been three and a half months. They are still afraid to talk to me and when they do, their voice drips with pity. I hide out in my office all day.
Sydney is worried about me. At least she’s not treating me like I’m going to break. She’s trying to make me push forward out of my merry-go-round of a life right now.
Syd’s on her way up now. I’m lounging in my pajamas, watching Chip and Joanna on Fixer Upper. I’ve never wanted to live in Waco before, but it’s very tempting watching this show. I want them to do a house for me.
I hear the door open and close. My eyes stay on the TV because the reveal is coming up. I can’t miss that! Syd walks around the couch and plops down.
I look over at her quickly. “Hey,” I say.
“This again?” she says, staring at me.
“What’s wrong with Chip and Joanna?”
She purses her lips and rolls her eyes. “I can’t believe they’re making Waco out to be this fabulous place,” she says, waving her hands toward the TV.
I laugh at her. It’s true. It’s a college town and not much else. Well, if you Google Waco, it’s definitely a known town. But good on Chip and Joanna for helping make it a better place.
I shush Syd when the reveal starts. I’d love to have a fixer-upper. I think of Aiden and his beach house, all that work they did and how proud he was of it.
I think of Aiden a lot, wondering how he’s doing and if he’s thinking of me. I’ve picked up my phone so many times I’ve lost count. I mean to call him or text him, but then chicken out. He probably hates me for what I did. The guilt eats at me every day. It’s not my fault … that’s all I ever hear from people. Nothing seems to be my fault, but everything keeps happening to me. Can’t they see it’s me? I’ve been doomed since I was born. Bad luck, bad karma, bad fate … whatever, it’s all BAD.
I get pushed over by Syd’s foot. “What the hell?” I snap.
“It’s over. What are we going to do today?” she asks, still pushing me with her foot.
“I’m going to break your foot today, if you don’t stop,” I answer. I grab her foot and start tickling her.
“Okay, okay!” she squeals, pulling her foot out of reach.
She tucks her feet under her and stares at me expectantly. I lay my head back and look up. Can’t I just sit here and watch the Fixer Upper marathon? I don’t dare ask because she’d never let me.
I shrug, tilting my head in her direction. “What’s Damon doing?”
She shrugs back. “I don’t know. He said he had a date tonight.” My eyes widen.
“What? I thought you two …”
She waves her hand in the air. “I don’t even know what to think. He’s hot one minute, the next he’s cold. I don’t know what he wants. I don’t think he knows what he wants.”
“Well, he’s a stupid man not to see what’s right in front of him,” I say, smiling at her.
“Yep, his loss,” she says quietly, looking at the TV. I watch her for a few moments. I know they like each other so I’m confused. Seems there’s a lot more to the story than she’s telling me. Typical. It’s the same with everyone. They only tell me things they think I can handle. I sigh as I push off the couch.
“I’ll go take a shower so we can do something,” I say, dragging my feet to my bedroom.
As I turn off my hair dryer, I hear voices coming from the living room. I freeze, trying to hear who it is. Sydney laughs and then I hear a male voice. My hands fist and my body tenses up from anxiety. I take a deep breath and close my eyes. Addison, calm down. Syd wouldn’t be out there laughing if it were someone to worry about.
It’s not until I hear the male voice yell, “Add Cat, get out here,” that I know who’s here. My lips curl when I recognize Frankie’s voice. I walk out of my room and a surprise stops me in my tracks. A Caribbean, blue-eyed surprise.
“Travis,” I say. I look around the room as Travis, Frankie, and Syd all watch my reaction. I don’t even know what I feel. I haven’t seen him since the day I was kidnapped, and I didn’t leave there with any warm and fuzzies. But I know it’s because of him and Frankie that I was rescued, so there is gratitude. And a small part of me recognizes that he is my father, even though I know we can’t have a relationship.
He stands up from the barstool. “Addison, it’s good to see you,” he says, embracing me in a hug. My arms hang at my side because I’m confused about what to do. Do I hug him back, push him away, or just stand here hoping he’ll stop soon?
It’s not until I take a deep breath and his scent reaches me that I break. I wrap my arms around him as tears begin to fall. His embrace tightens. It feels surreal that I’m in my father’s arms. So many years I wondered what he was like and now he’s right here, holding me in his arms. Wavering emotions flow through me.
“I’m so sorry,” he repeats softly into my hair.
I blink my tears away and draw in a breath. My arms go lax as I step back, and I smile up at him.
“Thanks,” I say sheepishly.
“Anytime,” he says as he wipes away a tear on his own face. “You look great.”
I nod and let out a soft sigh. I look at his dark denim jeans and off-white sweater. If it weren’t for his salt-n-pepper hair, I’d have a hard time thinking he was old enough to be my father. He definitely looks better than the last time I saw him.
“You do, too. Orange definitely wasn’t your color.”
His powerful laugh echoes in my small apartment. “I hope to God I never have to wear it again,” he chuckles.
“C’mere and give me a hug,” Frankie says with his arms open wide. I walk over, laughing at his big, goofy smile.
As soon as my arms wrap around his neck, he picks me up and spins me around. I cherish the moments when someone does something, not expecting me to break. I think that’s why I like to go to the gym a lot with Tony. Shit, sometimes I think he’s actually trying to break me—but in a good way.
“Well, I guess we’re even,” I say when he puts me down. If it weren’t for Frankie, I would have died in that prison. It’s eye opening to think about why a person was placed in your life. When I met Frankie, I would have never figured that he would be my angel. I thought I was his. But our relationship was bigger than that. And I’ll forever be grateful for him.
“We’re not keeping tabs, Add Cat,” he says, his voice turning serious.
“I know,” I whisper. “Thank you. For everything.” He nods in understanding. “So, do y’all want something to drink?” I ask, needing to do something. I walk to the kitchen, grab a bottle of water, and hold it up. “I have … water.” I laugh when I look back into the refrigerator and notice it’s almost empty except for the waters. I guess I should go grocery shopping today.
Grabbing one for everyone, we all sit in the living room. I sit in the cushioned chair, Sydney and Frankie take the couch, and Travis grabs a kitchen chair. He sits in it, leaning back with his leg propped up on his knee.
“So what brings you to New York City?” I ask, looking between the two guys.
Travis opens his mouth to answer and then snaps it shut. He’s thinking about what to say. “Just some business,” he answers.
“Oh. That was vague,” I reply sarcastically.
Frankie laughs out loud, clapping his hands. “I see it now,” he says, nodding his head.
“See what now?”
“Similarities,” he says, smiling.
I roll my eyes, shaking my head. “What … they’re both smart asses?” teases Sydney.
“Girl, that’s for sure,” Frankie boasts, high-fiving Sydney.
“It’s best you don’t know anything about what I do, Addison,” Travis says, ignoring the chuckling duo on the couch. “But since I was here, I wanted to stop by. I hope you don’t mind.”
“I don’t. But you’re right,” I say, looking at him. “It’s probably best that you don’t make this a habit either. Coming here,” I clarify.
“I won’t,” he says, looking down, playing with the water bottle in his hand. “I just wanted to see you. Make sure you were okay.”
“I’m glad you did.” When he looks up, I smile at him.
“Well, I wish we could stay longer…” he glances at his watch “…but we have to be somewhere in half an hour.” The guys stand and they each give me another hug before leaving.
I shut the door and lean back against it. My feelings for Travis catch me off guard. A small part of me would like to get to know him better.
“Well, that was interesting,” Syd says as I walk to the couch. “It’s crazy how you don’t look anything like him, but you definitely have his eyes.”
It’s those eyes, mija. Those eyes are your hell.
I snap my eyes shut, shaking my head. I fall into the couch and drop my head between my legs as my body starts to shake, hearing Rico’s words.
“Addison! Look at me,” I hear Syd say. She grabs my hands off my head. “Addison, it’s me, Sydney. You’re safe. You’re with me. Open your eyes,” she commands softly.
Her words start out muted but the more she talks, the closer I get to her. When it’s just her voice I hear, I pry my eyes open.
“That’s it, Addie. You’re safe,” she says, nodding, expecting me to understand. I nod back. She grabs my water, untwists the top, and hands it to me. I can feel drops of sweat running down my back. I hold out my hand for the cap. When I twist it back on, I run the bottle across my forehead. The coolness helps as I do my breathing exercises.
“What just happened?”
I exhale slowly. I always feel pathetic when I have flashbacks. “Rico would always mention my eyes. He told me they were my hell,” I say, picking at my jeans.
“Your eyes are beautiful, Addie. Your eyes are not your hell. He was.” I nod, agreeing with her. Yes, he was. Him and his spawn.
When I calm down, I glance at Syd sitting across from me on the coffee table. “I’m sorry,” I say and look away from her.
A pillow slams against my head. “Ouch,” I say, rubbing my head. “What was that for?”
“Stop saying you’re sorry. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” She tries to hit me again, but I duck this time. I stick my tongue out at her. “Dr. Price told both of us that this might happen. It’s part of your healing. You know you’re safe,” she says, standing up. “I’m starving, so let’s go eat.”
That is what I love about Syd. She’s direct and moves on. As we’re walking out of my building, she says out of the blue, “Frankie is so hot.” I laugh when she starts to fan herself. “I mean seriously. It’s a good thing you came out of the bedroom when you did, because I was about to jump on the man.”
“Speaking of them being here, did you let them in?” I ask, just now remembering I never buzzed them up.
“Yes, but don’t be mad,” she adds quickly. “I just thought you’d want to see Frankie. And I was being really nosy wanting to see Travis in real life.” She bites her lip, waiting for my response.
“It’s okay,” I say, bumping her with my hip as we walk. “It was good seeing them both.”
“Excuse me.”
Syd and I both stop walking and turn to the voice behind us. There is a woman a little shorter than me with long, dark brown hair and beautiful emerald green eyes. I tilt my head while appraising the woman, definitely not missing the uncanny similarities to Aiden. They both have a strong jaw line, although hers definitely looks feminine.
“Are you Addison?” she asks, fiddling with her purse strap. She’s wearing black slacks, black boots, and a pink sweater. She’s as beautiful as Aiden is gorgeous.
I nod. “And I’m assuming you’re Katie?”
“How did you …” she stops when she looks at my face. “Oh, well, I guess we do look a lot alike.” She flips her hand out and an awkward laugh escapes her lips. I can tell she’s nervous.
I glance around to see if there is anyone else with her. I’m not sure who I expect but a little flicker of hope is that I’ll see Aiden standing somewhere close by. He’s not here. I look back at her. “What brings you to New York?” I ask.
I’m having another déjà vu moment right now. It seems everyone is visiting New York today. And me.
“I was here visiting … a friend,” she answers.
I look at Sydney. “What is with all the vague answers today?” She laughs while Katie’s eyebrows furrow, obviously confused. I’m not sure why she feels like she needs to lie. She could have just said she was here on business, and I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But now I am. Is Aiden back? No. I’m certain Max or Damon would’ve told me.
“Katie, this is my best friend, Sydney,” I say, looking between the two.
“Aiden’s mentioned you,” she says as she shakes Syd’s hand. My heart patters. Did he mention her recently? Maybe he is back. I narrow my eyes at her.
“Is Aiden back?” I ask.
“Oh. No,” she says, sighing when she sees my lips turn down. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to think I’ve talked to him recently. I haven’t talked with him for a few months.”
“That’s okay. I was just wondering,” I say. I don’t want to let this connection go, though, not yet. “We were headed to lunch. Would you like to join us?” I offer.
“Are you sure?” she asks, looking at Syd and then back to me. “I don’t want to intrude.”
Syd smiles at her. “I don’t mind. I’m kinda tired of being with her all the time by myself,” she says, giggling.
“Hmph … I love you, too,” I huff, wrinkling my nose.
Syd laughs again, wrapping her arm around me. “I love you lots and lots,” she says, looking up at me with puppy dog eyes. I roll my eyes at her dramatic flair. Even if I wanted, I could never stay mad at her.
Katie agrees to go to lunch with us. We’re walking down the street, passing Bella Mistero, when Marco comes rushing out of his restaurant.
“Addison!” he boasts. He walks up to me with his arms stretched wide and wraps them around me. I feel a little irritated because he takes away my control by not waiting to see if I even want a hug.
It’s okay, it’s just Marco. I tell myself. He’s always been a hugger. He’s not going to harm me. I take a deep inhale and blow it out slowly. Sydney saves me, pulling me out of his embrace and saying it’s her turn, then gives him a hug. When our eyes meet, hers bore into me.
He pulls back quickly, looking back to me. “Please come in and have lunch, ladies. I have a new dish I need to test out,” he says, smiling wide at us. He’s always been a happy guy, but he seems a little over the top right now.
Syd glances my way, her eyes wide. “Thanks, Marco, but we were going—”
“Nonsense,” he says interrupting me. “I promise that you will have an amazing lunch with wine or anything you want, beautiful.” He opens his door, ushering us in. Syd is still staring at me, throwing fire with her eyes. I shrug. What am I supposed to do? Katie walks in behind Syd, not having a clue as to what is going on.
We’re seated out on the terrace. The sun is out in full force, but the cool spring breeze keeps it perfect. I close my eyes and take a deep breath of the fresh air. It feels rejuvenating. Things that I took for granted before, like fresh air or the feel of the sun’s warmth, I now covet.
“Are you okay?” Syd asks, sitting across from me. I keep my eyes closed and nod. I just need a moment for a time out. I’ve learned to meditate, especially right after situations that I feel uncomfortable. Marco’s hug is definitely one of those times. And it’s not really him; it’s me and my levels of comfort right now with men.
“Addie, we don’t need to stay. I can make up an excuse for us to leave,” Syd says as she squeezes my hand on top of the table.
I open my eyes and sigh loudly. “No, I’m okay. I can’t keep running and hiding when I feel anxious. Marco is harmless.” I look to Katie, wondering if I’ve made it uncomfortable for her. Instead, her eyes crinkle with a warm smile.
Lunch ends up being amazing, which doesn’t surprise me. The food here is always getting rave reviews from foodies. Our conversation is light with lots of laughs and flows throughout lunch. I feel relaxed and really like Katie by the time we finish with lunch. She doesn’t bring up Aiden, which surprises me. I thought that was the whole reason she wanted to find me. She admits she was here for a man but doesn’t disclose any other information, and we tried to pry it out of her. I’m not exactly sure why, but I get the feeling she’s hiding something from Aiden. She tells me that she’s wanted to meet me for a while now, but for obvious reasons hasn’t. Since she’s in town, she said she thought she would look me up. I’m so glad she did.
As we get up to leave, Marco comes to our table. This time when he moves forward to hug me, I step back. “I’m sorry, Marco,” I say holding up my hand. The hurt in his eyes makes me second-guess my decision. Don’t be a bitch. The man just gave us an incredible meal, on the house, and this is how I treat him. “I just …” I pause trying to gather my thoughts. “I’m just not ready for a lot of touching,” I explain the best I can.
“Beautiful, I understand,” he says softly. His body language says something different though. His posture is stiff, and I notice the flex of his muscles. I tilt my head, watching him briefly, before Syd takes it upon herself to say our goodbyes. As we’re leaving, I glance back at Marco and offer an apologetic smile. He scowls until he realizes that I’m looking at him. His expression instantly changes to a smile, and he waves goodbye. Shit, I hope I didn’t make him mad. He’s always been so nice to me, I should really come back later and apologize. Without Sydney.
Katie tells us she has to go to make her flight. I give her a hug. “Thank you so much for finding me. I loved meeting you,” I say.
Her hug tightens around me before she pulls back. “If you ever need to talk to someone who knows how you’re feeling, please call me,” she says softly. I’m taken aback by what she says. Her lips curl up slightly and she nods. “They tell you to go to group sessions, but I always found those depressing.”
Oh, my God. Katie was raped? Does Aiden know? Does Max know? So many questions run through my head.
“He doesn’t know,” she says quietly, looking away. “He’s already an overprotective brother. It would have just made things a lot worse. But really, if you need to talk, I’m here to listen.”
I hug her again. “Thank you.”
We hail a cab for her and wave as she leaves. “I like her,” Sydney says, leaning into me. I nod. Me, too. “Who I don’t like is Marco.” She pulls me down the street. I sigh loudly. “Addison, why can’t you see it?”
I shrug. “See what? He’s just a concerned friend. He’s been nothing but nice to me.”
“He hovered the whole lunch. More so this time than in the past. And that hug in the beginning. Anyone could see how uncomfortable you were, but he just hugs you tighter,” Syd exclaims.
I shake my head. She’s being overly dramatic. All I know is today was a good day. I felt normal. A step in the right direction. Maybe time is just moving slower for me, but it’s definitely moving.