Another loud noise pulls me out of my dream. I try and focus my eyes in the darkness. Looking around, I don’t see anything. I shake my head. I feel like I’m walking the line of reality and make believe. I don’t know where one ends and the other begins. My eyelids are heavy, and I welcome the sleep. Sleep takes away the pain.
Two more loud pops and my eyes fly open. Gunshots. I try and sit up, listening to the silent air, but I’m too weak and my arm gives out. The door flies open, and I scream. A shadow moves across my room and a gloved hand covers my mouth as fear takes hold of me. Curse words are muttered under his breath. It’s hard to even see him as he’s covered in black from head to toe.
“Addison, it’s okay. I’ve got you,” his words are whispered into my ear. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me again. Am I going to wake up from this dream? Am I going to wake up to this hell again? My body starts to tremble as I squeeze my eyes closed. I hear metal against metal and my hands are set free from the handcuffs. A blanket is thrown around me, and I’m lifted into strong, warm arms. I moan out in pain as I’m reminded about my broken rib. The pain finally subsides as my body starts to pull me under.
Sleep … I welcome sleep.
I hear words, but they float around in my head. I’m dreaming. I have to be dreaming.
“I need a fucking medic, stat.”
“Keep the package warm.”
My eyes flutter open to a bright room. I feel pressure on my left arm. I look at the IV in my arm and follow its path to a bag filled with liquid. I hear numerous beeps but other than that it’s quiet. My mind is having a hard time forming a coherent thought. Instead, I focus on the beeps. I lick my lips and they have something gooey on them.
I grunt at the horrible taste. Where am I? I look down at my wrists and both are wrapped in gauze. I exhale shakily when the fog starts to clear, and I understand where I am. I’m in a hospital.
I was rescued.
“She’s still not awake,” Aunt Amy whispers as she walks into the room. When our eyes meet, the phone slips from her hand and falls to the floor. She rushes over.
“Oh, my God, Addison,” she cries. “You’re awake.” She grabs my hand as tears fall down her face.
The relief from being rescued doesn’t come. Instead, I look away in shame. I can’t take the pain in her eyes. I close mine as she tells me that she’s going to get a doctor. A petite female doctor comes in by herself. I stare at her for a moment then turn to face the large window. The sun shines bright, and I can see a tree blowing in the wind. I watch the leaves move with the wind, and I wonder where I am because it’s winter. Most trees are bare right now.
The doctor is talking, but my mind focuses on the tree. Are the leaves changing color at all? My gaze moves from branch to branch.
“Addison?” the doctor says, interrupting my tree assessment. I look at her.
“Can you hear me?”
I nod my head.
“Are you able to talk?”
I know I don’t really want to. I know once I start, they’ll ask questions. Never-ending questions. Questions I don’t want to answer. I just want to enjoy the peace and quiet right now. I shake my head.
She narrows her eyes at me. “Able to but don’t want to?” she asks, studying me. I nod my head this time and look back out the window at my tree. I can hear her pen scribbling something on my chart.
As soon as she leaves, Amy comes back into the room. She doesn’t say much, just holds my hand. I appreciate the time she’s giving me to remain silent. She does force me to take a couple bites of my breakfast. After taking two bites, my stomach protests the nourishment it’s been deprived of for the past couple weeks.
It doesn’t take long for my body to tire. I resist the urge to sleep, afraid of who is waiting for me behind closed eyes. My eyelids grow heavy and sleep is unavoidable. In my dream, I wake up and Aiden sits by my bed, holding my hand. I wish we were back in the field. I liked that better than my hospital bed. When I squeeze my hand, he looks up and our eyes meet.
He flashes a warm smile. “Hi,” he whispers.
I know I’m dreaming but this feels so real. I can feel the warmth in his hand. I look down at our linked hands, confused. I don’t think I’ve ever felt someone in my dream. My gaze moves back up to his face. My brows furrow.
“Do you need anything?” he asks, tilting his head. My gaze quickly darts around the room and when I see my tree swaying in the wind, reality hits. I’m not dreaming. I yank my hand back. The ground underneath me shifts, throwing me off my axis. Everything changes.
“Get out!” I yell. I feel betrayed, but I don’t know why. Aiden stands up, taking a couple steps back. His face twists and his shoulders drop.
“Addison, it’s okay.” He shoves his hands into his jeans pockets.
“No. No, you’re supposed to be dead!”
“I’m not, sweetheart. I’m here.” He takes a huge step in my direction, pulling his hand out of his pocket as he tries to touch me again. I flinch away from him. He clenches his hand, steps back, and starts to pace the room.
“Please leave,” I whisper. I choke back my tears. I mourned you. I thought you were dead. My mind twists between reality and what I believed. I’m having a hard time processing this new reality. I watch him pace. My eyes shift away when he looks at me. I feel like I’m drowning in disbelief. I can’t breathe. I roll away from him, cradling my body as emotions overtake me. My body shakes violently from my cries. Guilt starts to strangle me as my thoughts turn to wishing he had died rather than him being here and seeing me like this. I hate myself for even thinking that. God, why didn’t you let me die?
Amy sits down in front of me, blocking my view of the window. I hadn’t even heard her come into the room. I have no idea if Aiden is still here, but at least I can’t see him if he is. She grabs my hand and wraps her other arm around my body while I cry. Exhaustion pulls me under. This time there aren’t any fields of love in my dreams, there’s only the feeling of rejection from being broken.
I wake up before my eyes open. I’m afraid Aiden will be in my room, so I cover my face with my hands like a shield, digging my palms into my eyes. It’s still daytime because the sun still shines its bright rays into my room.
“Look who’s awake,” I hear Ted say. I peek through my fingers and see Ted sitting at my side. His face is unshaven and his eyes are turned downward. I can see how tired he is. He flashes a weak smile as I move my hands away.
“Hi,” I say, sighing.
“I was instructed that I had to get you to eat a couple bites when you woke up.” He stands and walks over to a tray filled with food. My eyes widen, wondering why the hell they would bring that much. He must see my reaction because he says, “They just bring what the lunch is for the day. The doctor just wants you to eat a couple bites, though.” He puts it on a roll cart and swings it in front of me. I let out an audible gasp and hold my broken rib as I try to sit up. “Wait. I’ll lift the bed,” he says, softly putting his hand on my shoulder. I exhale sharply, lying back. The bed slowly reclines. Ted sits back down as I pick through my food.
The silence that surrounds us is awkward. I know he has a ton of questions, but doesn’t want to ask them. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him open his mouth to say something only for it to snap back shut.
“Thank you for being here,” I quietly say, looking over at him. He angles his head and takes in a deep inhale then lets it out slowly.
“Addie, I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”
“Is … did they …” I can’t say his name. Even though my body is scarred by every mark left on it by him, I’m afraid if I say it out loud I’m acknowledging it. I stuff a spoonful of mashed potatoes in my mouth. I glance at Ted and his hands are firmly grasped in his lap. His jaw clenches. My gaze turns downward, and I close my eyes. I hate seeing the pain this has caused.
“He’s dead,” he says, his voice strained.
Those two words should make me feel better. But they don’t. I wish I had been the one to kill him. To see his eyes plead for mercy while I took the life from them. A warm hand covers mine. When I open my eyes, Ted nods as if he understands.
“Eat,” he whispers.
I take a couple bites of applesauce and push the cart away. Ted pushes it to the side. The door to my room opens, and I abruptly pull my blankets up over my chest. When I see that it’s my doctor, my shoulders relax as I lean my head against the pillow. I haven’t seen Aiden since this morning, but I know it’ll only be a matter of time. I don’t want him to see me like this. I know I’m not thinking clearly because he’s already seen me, but seeing the pain in his eyes cuts me deep inside. It’s a reminder that I need to let him go.
She checks me over, happy that I’ve decided to start talking. She inspects my food to see how much I have eaten and writes it down in my chart. Amy walks in with a Target bag and gives Ted a hug. He smiles at me and winks before leaving.
The doctor sits down and discusses the tests that were run when they brought me in—including a rape test. I cough as my lunch threatens to come back up. Embarrassment creeps through me as Amy wraps her hand around mine. I close my eyes as tears roll down my face freely.
“Addison, it’s okay,” Amy says softly.
I shake my head. “No, it’s not. Everyone knows I’m broken,” I cry.