This is good. I needed to get out of my apartment, I tell myself as I run through Central Park. I blow out a long exhale.
Lies. If I hadn’t been kicked out of my own apartment, I wouldn’t be here right now. I’d be with Lexi, making sure that doctor wasn’t making things worse.
How the hell did she think I would act when she told Lexi straight out that her mom, dad, and brother were dead? I mean, what the hell? She’s just a little kid who’s gone through something tragic. How about showing some compassion for the child. Does she really need to hear that now? I shake my hands out trying to calm my anger. My pace picks up just thinking about it again. I was told I could come back at eleven, so I’m glancing at my watch repeatedly.
By the time it’s eleven, I’m pacing the lobby.
“It’s eleven, Addison,” the security guard says, flashing me a warm smile.
“Thanks,” I say, running to the stairs. I don’t feel like waiting for the elevator. Lexi might need me. When I approach my door, I stop myself from barging in. Putting my hands on my knees, I take in a few deep breaths.
She’s fine, Addison.
Dr. Terry comes out, and her lips curl up when she sees me. “Addison, how are you doing?” That’s a loaded question. I narrow my eyes at the doctor.
“Doctor, you’re not here for me.” I have enough of my own doctors so I don’t need another one psychoanalyzing me.
“I’m just asking the person who is the caregiver of Lexi. Nothing else,” she says innocently but grins. I nod, even though I know that’s a load of bullshit. “I know you think that I wasn’t being sensitive to Lexi’s situation earlier, but I need you to understand a few things before I leave. First, kids need the truth. They have active imaginations, so if you’re not truthful with them, they will fill in the blanks with their own make believe. Next, Lexi will have triggers. Good and bad. Since we don’t know much about what Lexi saw, we don’t know what that will be yet. You want to encourage the good and be with her to get through the bad. I heard you experienced an outburst with Lexi when you were with Agent Flores.” I wince, remembering the scream. She nods once, understanding. “Also, when she does start talking, don’t be surprised at anything she asks. Explain it to her in kid terms, but be truthful.”
I sigh loudly. How will I ever be able tell that sweet girl something that will hurt her? I hang my head, but nod in resignation.
I watch Lexi on the couch, staring mindlessly at the cartoons on TV. Today marks the third day she’s been here with me, and she still won’t talk. She’s watching TV, eating, or sleeping. She does respond to me with tiny smiles for certain things, like food or TV shows, but that’s about it. Dr. Terry tells me that’s progression.
She’s had a couple rough nights. I stopped taking my sleeping pills so I can be there for her when she wakes from her nightmares. It seems like my demons jumped ship and invaded her dreams. I’d take them back just so she didn’t have to go through it. It’s gut wrenching to hear her screams. When I snuggle her close to me, I hum “This Little Light of Mine,” and it’s not too long before she settles and drifts back to sleep for the rest of the night. I don’t even know where I learned that song.
The first night I put her to sleep in the guest bedroom and ended up falling asleep with her in there after a nightmare. The second night I put her in her room again, and the sneaky little girl somehow made it into my bed before I was even asleep, curled up into a ball behind me, and fell asleep. I’m not even sure I’m supposed to let her do that, but hell if I care. There is no way I could tell those pitiful, caramel eyes no. I’m going to totally suck at parenting. My kid will get away with everything. The image of a sweet boy with emerald green eyes flashes in front of me. I gasp in surprise, shaking my thoughts from my head.
Where did that come from?
My phone rings, distracting me from my daydream. I glance at Lexi, and she still hasn’t moved. I sigh as I answer the phone. “Hey, Syd.”
“That doesn’t sound good,” she says.
“I don’t know what to do to help her. She still hasn’t said anything. I need your help. You’re so much better with kids than I am,” I whine.
She giggles. “That’s for sure. Have y’all eaten lunch yet?”
“No, Dr. Terry just left.”
“Okay, then I’ll bring lunch. See you in a few.”
I blow out my cheeks, hanging up the phone. Maybe Sydney can sprinkle some of her fairy dust on Lexi and help her come alive.
Half an hour later, Syd’s walking in with a couple pizzas and a grocery bag full of stuff. I inhale the scent of pizza. Mmm. She puts the pizza on the island and takes out juice boxes from the bag. I’m gazing at Lexi to see her reaction to Sydney, whom she hasn’t met yet, but she doesn’t even look over.
“It’s going to take time, Addie,” Syd says from behind me.
“I know, but I don’t know how much time we’ll have with her.” I sigh. “Her aunt is supposed to come into town in a few days. I hear she’s a pretentious bitch.”
Syd’s eyebrows rise, and I raise my hands in the air. “Hey, Damon’s words, not mine. I guess she’s a model in Los Angeles or something like that.” I shrug. “When she learned about what happened, she was more concerned with missing some photoshoot than her sister getting murdered and her niece who she’s about to inherit,” I whisper.
“Well, that stinks for Lexi,” Syd says, sticking out her bottom lip. It does. At least Amy wanted me, even though I was a surprise.
Syd grabs the bag and walks over to Lexi. I follow. She crouches down beside her and says, “Hi, Lexi, I’m Syd.”
She looks down at Syd. Her expression stays neutral though. Syd smiles at her and pulls out crayons and a coloring book. “Do you like to color?” Now why didn’t I think of coloring books? Geez, I used to love to color.
Lexi’s eyes widen as she slowly nods. Syd places the Barbie coloring book on the coffee table. “I do, too. Do you want to come down here and color with me?” My pulse picks up as I wait to see what Lexi does.
Come on, sweet girl.
Syd doesn’t wait for Lexi’s response. Instead she opens the coloring book and flattens out a page, places the crayons on the table, and begins to color a page. Lexi focuses on Sydney as her fingers twitch against her pants.
After a few seconds pass, Lexi pushes her little body to the edge of the couch. I see Sydney look at her out of the corner of her eyes and a faint smile shows, but she continues to color. Lexi’s feet are on the ground, but she’s still leaning against the couch. Seconds feels like hours, waiting to see if she’ll join. I can sense that she wants to.
Sydney rips out a page and places it to her side, right in front of Lexi, spreading out the crayons next to it. The small step Lexi needs to make to the table is one of the largest steps she’ll ever take.
When Lexi steps forward and sits on the floor, grabbing a crayon, excitement bubbles up inside me that makes me want to jump and scream. I put my hand on my heart as a tear escapes and rolls down my cheek. I watch in awe as she colors her picture. Syd looks back with a huge smile, and I mouth, “Thank you.”
It’s so quiet I can hear the cars outside, but the feeling of triumph is almost deafening. While they continue to color, I pull out some plates and load them with pizza. I hear Syd say, “That is beautiful, Lexi.”
I glance their direction to watch Lexi’s reaction. She looks over at Syd with a small smile and then returns to coloring. “I’ll be right back,” she tells Lexi.
“Her eyes remind me of yours when I first met you. Mesmerizing, but full of pain.” She leans her head on my shoulder while I pour two glasses of wine. Syd turns and looks at me, surprised.
“What’s that look for?” I ask as I furrow my brows.
“Wine?” she responds, directing her gaze to the two glasses.
“It’s just a glass,” I say incredulously, holding up her glass to her. “We’re not getting drunk.”
“Fine. Just one.” She twists her lips, taking the glass from me.
We grab the plates and a juice box for Lexi and sit down around the coffee table. When I put down the pizza and drink in front of Lexi, she looks up and flashes me a smile. That little gesture warms my heart.
Lexi alternates between eating and coloring while we talk about the funny things kids do in Syd’s class. They’re working on doing the musical, Annie. We’re laughing at the things kids come up with these days. I’m so glad Syd came over. I needed this. My attention goes to Lexi as I sit back against the couch and watch her little fingers hold the crayon and color. She’s very precise with coloring in the lines. I’m impressed. I’ve never been an ‘in the line’ type of girl.
Syd stands up, grabbing the wine glasses and plates, humming “Tomorrow” by Alicia Morton. I giggle, thinking I’m surprised she doesn’t hate that song by now.
Standing to stretch my legs, I start to walk to the kitchen to join Sydney, but I’m halted by the sound of the most pure, angelic voice singing along with Sydney’s humming. Lexi’s voice is so soft, the noise from the traffic almost drowns her out. Almost.
Syd’s wide eyes meet mine as she stops humming. I gesture with my hands for her to keep going. She continues to hum and comes to stand by my side as we watch Lexi in amazement as she sings and colors, not even aware of us.
Her voice is hypnotic. It’s like listening to the ocean waves, it’s so beautiful and pure; you never want to stop listening. I can’t believe that voice is coming out of a five-year-old’s mouth. Syd gets to the end of the song, and we wait to see what Lexi does. She looks up with a smile, her eyes sparkling with life. Life she’s been hiding inside that little body of hers for the last three days. I smile and try to push back the tears that want to escape. I don’t want her to think I’m upset.
I shuffle to her, picking her up, and embrace her in my arms. “Lexi, you have a beautiful voice.” Her arms wrap tight around my neck.
“Thank you.” Her sweet response shocks me. I shake both of us, feeling an overwhelming sense of pride rush through me.
That’s my girl. I knew you could do it.
“Lexi, do you like the movie Annie?” Syd asks from behind me. I pull back so I can see Lexi’s face. It beams when she nods her head. “What’s your favorite song from the movie?”
I turn around so we can both face Syd. I see her twists her lips, thinking. “Opportunity,” she says quietly. Hearing her little voice makes me giddy. I squeeze her again, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
Music fills the room from Syd’s phone. I’ve never seen the new Annie, so I’m assuming this is the song Lexi was talking about. I put her down as Syd walks over and grabs her hand. She picks her up and places her on the coffee table.
“Can you sing again for me?” Syd asks, now holding both her hands. She nods as they sway back and forth to the music.
After a few songs, Syd has Lexi dancing and singing all around the living room. My gaze hasn’t left Lexi’s face and a grin hasn’t left mine. When they start singing a song that I actually know, I jump up and join them.
Syd and I fall breathless onto the couch. Lexi jumps in right between us, but she leans against me. I close my eyes, wrapping my arm around her, and kiss the top of her head.
“Sweet girl, you did it,” I whisper.
When I look at Syd, she’s wiping away her tears. I blow out a sigh of relief.
“So, do you take voice lessons?” Syd asks, looking down at Lexi.
“Yes. My mommy says I have a voice like an angel,” she responds quietly. Syd glances quickly at me as my spine stiffens. Does she remember what the doctor told her about her mom?
She looks back down to Lexi and says, “I agree, you do have the voice of an angel.” Syd sweeps her hair out of her face, wrapping it behind her ear.
Lexi is quiet for a few moments then looks up at Sydney. “My mommy is dead,” she says matter-of-factly.
Well, that answers my question. She turns her head in my direction and says, “When can I see her?” My eyebrows furrow, looking at the innocent little face in front of me.
Shit. Didn’t the doctor explain what dead means? I blow out a quick breath. Okay, the doctor told me to be truthful, but kid terms. So what the hell does that mean? I glance to Syd and she shrugs. I run my hand through my hair.
“You go to church, right?” I ask Lexi. She nods her head. “Well …” I pause to gather my thoughts. I don’t want to do this. I briefly look away.
Looking back to her waiting eyes, I reluctantly continue. “So, your mommy, daddy, and brother went to be with God in Heaven.”
Confusion crosses Lexi’s face. “Why didn’t they take me with them?” I drop my head. What I really want to tell her is that she was the lucky one who got to stay.
I pick Lexi up, placing her on my lap. “Lexi, they didn’t want to leave. They didn’t want to leave you.” The doctor’s words echo in my head. Truth. Tell her the truth. I sigh. “A bad man made them go to Heaven.”
Lexi screams, attaching herself to me in her vise grip, “Don’t let him get me,” she cries, digging her head into my chest.
“No, no, no, Lexi. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” My voice hitches as I squeeze her closer to me. So much for being truthful. I’m the worst person ever. I pull out my phone and text the doctor to let her know that Lexi is talking, but I think I messed up. Her reply tells me that she’ll be here in half an hour.
“It’s all my fault,” she whimpers.
I pull her back and lift her chin so she’s looking at me. I know what to say. It’s been repeated to me a million times in my life. Her bottom lip trembles. “Lexi, none of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong,” I say. It sounds weird coming out of my mouth.
“It is,” she hiccups through her cries. “My daddy told me and Sadie to go to bed, but we weren’t tired. He told me if I got up one more time, I would be in big trouble.” She crumbles back down into my chest. I look at Sydney, who looks as lost as I do.
I begin to tell her again that she’s not the reason this happened, but she starts talking again, “I got up one more time to get a snack for me and Sadie.”
I grab my phone and hand it to Sydney and quietly tell her to press record. When I see that she does it, I ask, “What happened next?”
She shakes her head, almost violently, obviously not wanting to talk. “It’s okay, Lexi. You don’t have to talk about it.”
Her cries echo in the room for a few more minutes before she starts talking again. “I was going to my … my room,” she hiccups. “I saw Mommy and Daddy’s light on in their bedroom. I could hear my mommy screaming. I wasn’t supposed to be up. She was mad at me.”
Her guilty cries are killing me. How can I explain to her that it isn’t her fault? None of this is her fault. Her mom was not mad at her. I decide it’s probably best to wait for the doctor.
When a knock at the door sounds, Sydney gets up to answer it. She waves goodbye and gestures for me to call her later. She looks at Lexi and lets out a worried sigh before she turns and leaves. Dr. Terry walks in and sits where Syd just left.
A rough hour later, the doctor decides it’s time to call it a day. She wasn’t able to get much more out of her than what Lexi had already told me, but added that when she heard a noise in her brother’s room, she got scared and hid in the closet while her friend was asleep.