The weather is abnormally warm outside for a January day, even in Texas. I’ve been told that the sun can help improve your emotional state. But what if you don’t feel anything? Only numbness.
I push off with my foot to keep the swing in motion. The two-seater swing sits out in the front yard. It’s the place I go when I’m feeling claustrophobic inside. We’ve established that when I’m out here I want to be alone, meaning leave me alone, people.
I lean back, lounging across the swing, and cross my legs on the armrest. The slight breeze blows over me, swirling my hair around. It’s been three weeks since I’ve seen Aiden. I’m not sure if it was the broken tree or the look on Aiden’s face as he was walking out the door, but that day was the last day I felt something.
The doctors want to try anti-depressants, but I don’t want any more drugs than I already take. I tell them I’m fine, hoping they’ll believe me. Who am I kidding? I’m not fine. But I’m not ready to be thrown back into my life. The best thing about country life, you don’t have to deal with the hustle and bustle of the outside world. Out here I don’t have to think, I can just be.
I hear the squeak of the front door. Amy comes into my sight, and she looks down at me. “You want to go to the barn with me to feed the horses?” Her smile is hesitant. She already knows my answer.
“Not today. I’m tired,” I say, looking away from her. I hear her softly sigh and walk away.
It’s been a long month. The holidays sped by without a lot of celebration. And I was perfectly fine with that. Amy and Ted tried their best to get me excited. Christmas is usually my favorite holiday. Not this year. This year, I don’t feel like celebrating. I’m finding it hard to feel anything. I’m stuck at blah.
Joe doesn’t visit me too often in my head. Although, I feel him waiting for the chance. It’s like playing with a jack-in-the-box toy. My days are like the turning of the handle and he pops out of nowhere when it’s least expected. I’m still a prisoner, but now it’s my own thoughts keeping me captive. I continue to take a sleeping pill at night. I feel like a child, though, when I’m given one at night. They worry about me taking more than one. It’s degrading they think I might want to end my life. I can’t say the thought has never crossed my mind, but it’s never been more than a thought.
I stick my leg off the side of the swing to push off again. The motion soothes me. Closing my eyes, I breathe in the fresh air. I can hear the horses neighing in the barn. Amy wants me to ride with her, but getting on that huge horse gives me anxiety. I have an overwhelming need to be in control at all times right now.
I lift my head up at the sound of a car coming down the driveway. Not recognizing the car, I sit up and watch it come to a stop. I tense. I look toward the front door and back to the car. A fleeting thought of running inside flashes through my mind. My hand squeezes the chain of the swing as I place both feet on the ground, readying myself to run. I watch the door of the car swing open. When I recognize who gets out, I release the breath I was holding.
Tony? Why would my Krav Maga instructor from New York City be here?
I push off the swing and stand, folding my arms across my chest. He shuts the door and starts walking toward me, smiling.
“Hey, Addison,” he says, like he’s a regular around here.
I open my mouth and then shut it. “Hey?” He laughs at my surprised look. “Tony, what are you doing here?”
He walks over to the swing and sits down. I watch him and then glance around, wondering what I’m missing. He’s a couple thousand miles away from home, yet he’s acting like this is where he should be.
“Sit with me?” he asks, gesturing to the empty spot on the swing.
“I think I’ll stand.”
He clasps his hands together in his lap and looks up at me. I don’t feel like I’m in danger, but I don’t like this feeling of confusion. I don’t have unexpected visitors.
“You look good,” he says warmly.
“Tony, can we get to the part about why you’re here?” I say snidely. I don’t mean to sound like such a bitch, but that control issue I have is rearing its ugly head.
He flashes a crooked smile and shrugs. “I was just in town. Wanted to see if you felt like working out with me.”
My eyes go wide. Really, just felt like dropping by to see if I wanted to work out? I might not be in a good place, but I’m not stupid. That’s coming a long way to just work out.
I run my hand through my hair and put it up in a bun because the wind keeps whipping it in my face. Not because I plan on working out. I purse my lips, trying to get a read on him. Is that really why he’s here?
He stands up, and I take a step back. “I think it’d be good for you.” He takes another step in my direction. I furrow my brows, taking another step back.
“No thanks, Tony. I’m really not in the mood.” My heart starts to race as he takes another step. Why is he pushing this? Chills run up my spine thinking of any man right now touching me. I glance to the front door again, rethinking that I should make a run for it.
He twists his lips and slowly nods. His eyes never leave mine. He suddenly lunges for me leaving me no time to react. I tumble to the ground with him on top of my back. My chest heaves as I lie there, feeling paralyzed.
“Fight, Addison,” he says in my ear. I shake my head over and over.
“Please get off of me,” I snarl. My nose starts to tickle as tears fill my eyes.
“No,” he says sternly. “Make me get off of you.” He grabs one of my hands and shoves it between us against my back. I cry out and squeeze my eyes shut, my forehead on the cold, dead grass. What is he doing? Why is he doing this? Can’t he see I don’t want to fight him?
“Addison, I know you’re in there. Fight me, dammit!” he barks out.
The tears burn my face as confusion blurs my mind. I dig my free hand into the grass, grabbing a piece of the earth. His body is heavy on top of me, and I can feel the heat from his breath on my neck. It’s not until his hand grabs my ass that my whole body hardens. The thin string that is holding my entire world together snaps.
Unexpected rage flows through me, and my body heats up. Fuck this! I plant my foot and a free hand on the ground and push with everything that I have. “NO! Get the fuck off of me!” I scream as I flip us over onto his back and then jump off of him. He doesn’t waste any time, he’s back on his feet within a second, coming at me again.
Nothing but our grunts and occasional curse words can be heard as we spar in the grass. My focus is no longer to flee, but to take him down. I don’t even know when it changed. I can tell I don’t have as much energy as I used to have, but I have enough to fight.
Sweat runs down my forehead as we both lie on our backs, panting heavily. Maybe it’s just me panting; I can’t tell right now. My breaths are too loud. I can’t believe I just did that. Even though my body aches, I feel more alive right now than I have in the last month. The adrenaline pumping through my body feels awesome.
Tony sits up, craning his neck to look back at me. He flashes a sly smile. “Training starts tomorrow. Be at Luke’s Gym by nine,” he says. He stands and watches my stunned look for a second before he walks back to his car.
I continue to lie on the cool grass, hearing his car drive off. What the hell just happened?
Every day, I feel one step closer to feeling normal. The fog that permeates my mind has started to lift. I’ve been training almost daily with Tony for a month now. I still haven’t got out of him why he’s here, or why he’s staying, but I have a feeling it’s because of Aiden. Max continues to visit weekly, and he won’t say anything either. Last week when he was here I asked how Aiden was doing. His reply? Call him, he’ll answer. That night I stared at my phone for an hour trying to muster up the courage to dial his number. I couldn’t do it. I said horrible things to him, and I wouldn’t blame him if he hated me. The consequences of my words have no doubt haunted me daily. I’m not ready to hear his voice. And I’m definitely not ready to hear him reject me.
Obviously Max told Aiden about our conversation because I just got a text. I need to remind myself that Max is Aiden’s best friend, so I need to keep my mouth shut if I don’t want it getting back to him. I look down at my phone once again and sigh.
Aiden: “One Call Away” by Charlie Puth
I wiggle my earbuds in my ear, lean back on my bed, and press play on my phone. With my eyes closed, I imagine Aiden singing me this song. His deep, raspy voice. God, I miss his voice. Why can’t I just call him? He obviously doesn’t hate me. I guess I’ll need to take a few more steps, a few more days, to get back to that normal.
“Addie,” I barely hear. If I weren’t being shaken, I probably wouldn’t have even heard it. I open my eyes to Amy standing over me. I must have fallen asleep. Aiden’s song is still playing through the earbuds, so I slip one out of my ear and look at Amy.
“What’s up?” I ask.
“I thought we were going out riding, and I know how much you hate missing out on riding Rusty. It’ll be dark before too long,” she says, sitting down on my bed.
“Oh, sorry. I must have fallen asleep.” To a gorgeous, green-eyed man singing to me. I don’t tell her that, though. I know what she’ll say. Call him. It seems to be the consensus. There is still so much I need to work through before I go down that road. The song is playing on repeat, so I grab my phone and press stop, then swing my legs over the bed. I grip Amy’s hand, pulling her up.
“Let’s go. I don’t want to keep Rusty waiting.”
Rusty, a big, beautiful, chestnut gelding, has become my best friend. I chuckle when I think about the reason I wouldn’t ride before, that I wouldn’t have control. When I’m on Rusty’s back, the saddle in between my legs, the leather straps in my palms and we’re flying through the open fields, I’ve never felt more in control of everything. My body. My life. My sanity. It’s a feeling of being free. I yearn for that feeling so I’m out riding Rusty whenever I can.
“Syd is coming out next weekend,” I tell Amy as we trot along the banks of a creek that runs through the back part of the ranch.
“That’s awesome. I can’t wait to see her,” she replies. “Is Max coming, too?”
“No. I told him Syd was coming so he didn’t need to check up on me.” I roll my eyes. “I mean, he can call to see how I’m doing. I still can’t believe he flies here almost every weekend to see me.”
“You have a lot of people who care for you and want you to get better.”
I sigh and nod. I know I’m on the road to recovery. The scars on my body have faded, and I’m working on the emotional ones. They may never go away, but I’ll make damn sure they don’t ruin my life.