CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Beau
Beau tries to protect me too much, but I know he loves me. ~ Love, Kenny
I did my best to pretend not to notice the way Ash watched me. I’d failed most of the day, but made it a point to try harder after the ass incident. I attempted to keep my distance from him when we were in the pool, tried to swim and relax and do my own thing, but this was Ashton fucking Carmichael we were talking about. He commanded attention even when he didn’t try…and most of the time, he tried. It was absolutely impossible to ignore him then. Everything about him was impossible, and he made me do and feel weird things. Like how weird I felt about seeing the picture of him and Linc. I knew it had to have been just the two of them running into each other, but it had made me feel…weird. There was that word again.
When I lounged on a float, he tried to splash me, then dunk me. He was the biggest fucking kid I’d ever met, but then my gut hurt from laughing so hard, which wasn’t uncommon when I was around Ash. It had grated on my nerves in high school, but it didn’t anymore.
Then, of course, we had to challenge each other to a game of football in the water because how could we not? It was basically impossible for us not to.
After I’d kicked his ass, we’d grilled steaks for dinner, and he’d started drinking a few more beers. I couldn’t help but worry about him when it came to the drinking. It seemed to be a pattern I noticed with him since he’d come home.
We had dinner out back, and when I said, “I should probably hit the road,” Ash shook his head.
“Not until we try this new firepit I got. I haven’t gotten a chance to use it yet.”
So that’s what we did. We started a fire and roasted marshmallows like we were kids.
We kept talking, and it got darker and darker, later and later, but Ash didn’t make a move to go inside and call an end to the night, so I didn’t either.
I wanted to be around him, enjoyed it, probably always had in ways I wouldn’t have admitted before. We’d spent the whole day together, and half the time he infuriated me and the other he made me laugh, and as much as I hated to admit it, I soaked up every second of it. That had always been Ash, though, hadn’t it? He was that bright star you spotted first at night, this beacon that drew your attention, entranced you and didn’t let go. My brain told me I should be angrier that I’d gotten caught up in the power that was Ashton Carmichael, but in that moment, I couldn’t find it in me to feel that way.
The fire was going down, the embers fading, yet still we stayed.
I slid my hand across the chair, and a piercing pain ripped down my finger. “Fuck.” I jerked my hand away.
“What happened?” Ash worried his full, bottom lip.
“Something cut me.” I wrapped a hand around my finger, blood dripping already.
“Come on. Let’s go inside and clean it up.” He went for the house, and I followed him. Once inside the kitchen, Ash turned on the water, grabbed my wrist, and pulled until my hand was under the faucet. Water and blood mixed as they went down the drain.
“Stay there. I’ll be right back.”
It was only a moment later that Ash returned with a small first-aid kit. He turned off the water, wrapped a cloth around my finger, and led me to the table. “I can do this myself, you know.” Still, I followed his lead. Sat down when he pointed to the chair, watched as he unwrapped my finger and studied it.
“I don’t think it needs stitches. It’s pretty deep, though.”
Then with the gentlest care, he began to put antiseptic on me, bandaged it as though I was mortally wounded. My heart pounded, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him, knew I needed to because in that moment, I felt this connection with him that I couldn’t explain. Who in the hell was Ashton Carmichael?
“All better.” He gave me a sweet grin. Then, as if realizing he still held on to me, he jerked his hand away.
“Thank God you were here.”
“Never thought I’d hear you say that. Do you mind repeating it while I record?” he teased.
“Funny guy.”
“Thank you.”
I rolled my eyes. It was late, after ten, and I’d been there since eight in the morning. It had been a long day, and my eyes were grainy, heavy. “What do I owe you for fixing me up, Dr. Carmichael?” I joked as I leaned forward, not toward him, but with my elbow on the table, resting my head against my good hand. My body was definitely fading. I needed to get home.
“Your hair is all crazy from swimming earlier.” From his spot in front of me, Ash ran his fingers through my hair, ruffled it, twisted strands around his fingers, and damn, it felt good. A tingle swept through me, and I closed my eyes, savored it, and he kept going, fingering my hair as if I were his lover.
Ash…this was Ash. That night on the dock slammed into me, the press of his lips and the shock of disappointment when he’d pulled away. The fear in his eyes and the way he’d run, making me feel as though it had been my fault, as though he’d been drunk and that was the only reason he’d done it.
I didn’t open my eyes when I said, “Ash…what are you doing? This…this isn’t the way a straight man touches another guy.”
He jolted backward as though I’d burned him, quicker and with more urgency than he had all those years ago. Finally, I forced my lids open.
“I wasn’t… I don’t…” His typically happy eyes were wide, this sort of panicked expression in them, and damned if my heart didn’t break, if I wasn’t beginning to see a battle inside him that he’d maybe been fighting his whole life.
How could I have never seen the depth of it before? I’d spent years angry at him, telling myself I hated him, seething with each new headline or mess he’d gotten himself into. How could I not have seen? “Hey…it’s okay. I didn’t mean anything by it. I wasn’t trying to say anything, but you know you can talk to me, right? Or if you don’t feel comfortable with me, Linc would—”
“Whoa, slow your roll, Cranky Campbell.” He looked shaken as he hauled himself out of the chair, went for the fridge, grabbed another beer. “I think your imagination is getting away from you.” I watched him open the beer, swallow a few drinks, and it felt like my heart was ground into dust, but not for me. For Ash. For the fear in his eyes.
“Ash—”
“Beau.”
Don’t push, Campbell. You could be wrong…and it’s not your place. Even Kenny told me I could be overbearing, and I had no business doing that with Ash. Still, I couldn’t stop myself from adding, “I didn’t realize I was gay until that night you kissed me. I’m sure I had to have had questions before, but that was the first night I admitted it to myself. I’m not saying you’re anything other than what you say you are, but for me—”
“Jesus, Campbell. Lay the fuck off. I touched your goddamned hair. I have no problem with you being gay, but I’m not. Stop projecting your shit onto me. You did it at the graduation party, and I let it go. We’re not going there again.”
My blood ran cold as I ground my molars together. “Excuse me? I’m not the one who kissed you, and I sure as shit wasn’t the one running my fingers through your hair just now.”
“It’s late.” He shook his head, turned his back to me, looking out the window over the sink.
“Ash…”
“Get out, Campbell. You’re barking up the wrong tree. I didn’t want you then, and I don’t want you now.”
I paused, waiting for him to apologize, waiting for this to make some kind of fucking sense. My breath hitched when he turned, but he didn’t look at me, just kept walking down the hall. When the sound of a door slamming echoed through the house, I did as he said. I left.
“It’s SaturGAY, bitches!” Lincoln raised his arms in the air and did a little shimmy as the five of us climbed out of the car and our driver took off.
“Fuck yes!” Rush replied, pulling Linc close and grinding against him. I rolled my eyes at them, and Sawyer laughed. Rush and Linc were going to get themselves into trouble one day.
Rush was great. I respected the hell out of him. It hadn’t been easy being the only out Supercross racer. The sport wasn’t known for being incredibly accepting. And once the season started, he wouldn’t be able to attend our Saturgays out because he’d be traveling.
“What’s up with you, Beau? You’re awfully quiet.” Cam wrapped an arm around my shoulders as we walked down the sidewalk, then massaged my neck with his work-roughened fingers.
“And sulky… Why are you sulky, Beau? You’re even more grumpy than usual. I know we always drag you out for Saturgay, but I figured since you’ve been hanging out with Ashton Carmichael so much…” Lincoln grinned at me, and I wanted to strangle my friend.
“You’ve been with Ashton Carmichael?” both Rush and Cam asked.
“Ugh, Ashton Carmichael,” Sawyer added. He hadn’t been fond of Ash either, but mostly because Ash had been the typical jock in high school, and Sawyer had…not. But then, Sawyer and I were close despite the fact that we hadn’t grown up together, so that counted for something.
“He’s not that bad,” I told Sawyer.
“I thought you hated him?” Sawyer asked just as Linc said, “Not that bad? He’s fucking gorgeous and funny, and you’ve been with him a whole lot more than you’ve been with me lately, and he’s not that bad? I think my feelings are hurt.”
I shook my head as we continued down Fever Street. It was getting busier—the sidewalk getting more crowded, restaurants filling, music and laughter floating out of every establishment.
“I’ve been busy. I haven’t been with Ash very often,” I defended myself, even though it was a lie. I’d been with Ash a lot…and I couldn’t get our last day out of my head.
The way he’d looked at me…the way he’d touched me…the fire in his eyes when he’d thrown me out.
Get the fuck out of my head, Ash!
Cam pulled away just as Linc jumped onto my back. He wrapped his legs around my waist and his arms around my neck. “It’s okay. We’ll make up for it tonight!”
And he was right. I needed to. I could be there to support Ash if he needed me. Hell, I wanted to, but the way he’d touched me? The way I’d wanted him to? I had to put an end to that shit real quick, and Saturgay was the perfect night to do it.