CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Ashton
LA Avalanche quarterback Ashton Carmichael donates big money to Down syndrome Organization! It’s not often we have positive headlines for him off the field.
My leg bounced up and down as I sat in my corner while Beau coached. Every few minutes I bit my tongue to keep from yelling something out, from giving advice, or hell, even just in agreement with something Beau said or did. It was killing me. That might sound dramatic, but it was damn near that bad.
I wanted to be out there with him.
I wanted to coach with Beau.
I wanted to play with him again.
Before I knew it, practice was over and everyone was walking away. “Kenny, Adam, come over here. I want to show you something,” Beau said to their wide receiver, then stopped and looked my way. I considered batting my eyelashes at him in a silent plea to help him, but apparently I didn’t need to because he added, “Wanna help me with something, Carmichael?”
Yes. Fuck yes, I do. “Naw, I’m good.”
Adam’s eyes went wide, and I shoved to my feet. “I’m kidding. I really want to help.” That’s all I needed, for them to think I was an asshole.
There were a few whispers from some of the families in the bleachers, but I ignored it. I hoped like hell my helping out wouldn’t make headlines. I didn’t think it would. Most of the time, they only cared when I did something wrong, and I didn’t think the families would want to draw attention to their league that way.
The team stopped and watched too as I jogged over, and when I got to him, Beau rolled his eyes. “What am I going to do with you?”
I could think of a hundred different things I wanted him to do with me, to me, let me try on him, but I was pretty sure they weren’t appropriate for me to say. Football was the next best thing to exploring my sexuality with him.
Beau leaned over and whispered, “It’s okay to want to participate, ya know?”
“Who are you, and what did you do with Beau Campbell?” But really, I knew what this was. Things had changed between us. Beau saw me as someone who needed help, and he could never stop himself from being there for someone else. I didn’t want him to pity me—no, pity wasn’t the right word—but I did want him to spend time with me because he wanted to, not because he thought I needed him. I wanted him to offer for me to help him coach because he wanted to coach with me, not because he knew that sitting on the sidelines was killing me, and I had no doubt he’d known.
“I’m the same Beau as always. It’s you I can’t figure out.”
He stared at me and I at him until Kenny cleared his throat. “Beau?” he asked. “Why are you staring at Ash like that?”
He shook his head, his cheeks tinged pink, and replied, “Because he’s a dork.”
A dork you like, Campbell. But that was okay, because I liked him too.
“Okay, I want you guys to watch me and Ash for a second,” he told them, then explained to me what he wanted to do. We ran through a couple of plays together, Beau receiving as I threw to him. The team paid rapt attention. My passion came alive, burst inside me, nearly making me breathless in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time. It was as if football was breathing life into me again when it had begun to feel like it strangled me…yet despite the lack of oxygen, it had still been something I’d wanted.
“Did you see how Campbell faked left and went right?” I asked. “I can read him, and that’s what you have to learn to do—read each other. Here, why don’t you try?” I handed Kenny the ball as Beau spoke to Adam.
We ran the play over and over and over—the four of us. I could see the confidence in them grow, see when Adam knew to fake and Kenny knew the right moment to throw. “Perfect! That was beautiful!”
And it was.
Beau and Adam jogged to us, a grin splitting Beau’s face. Jesus, he was…pretty. Sexy, fucking hot, but also pretty in a rugged sort of way. I didn’t know if that was normal, if it was okay to think of him that way, but I did.
“You guys did amazing,” Beau told them both, and I stupidly wanted to tell him it had been amazing coaching with him. Ugh. I was suddenly incredibly sappy. “I’m going to go grab a drink,” he added.
A guy who’d been on the sidelines approached. “You’re going to have to excuse me for freaking out a little bit, but I can’t help it—Ashton Carmichael’s out here coaching my nephew!”
“Just helping. Beau’s the coach. We used to play together in high school. I’m just lucky he still lets me play with him.” Hopefully, he’d let me play with him in other ways later… “Thank you, though.” I held out my hand to the man, and we shook, introducing ourselves.
He spoke to me for a moment, then asked for an autograph, which I gave. Beau had come back by then, and he grinned at me as I signed the paper.
When everyone left, the three of us cleaned up and then went to the truck. “You two wanna grab some pizza before we go home?” Beau asked.
“Is that really a question? It’s pizza,” I replied, and Kenny laughed.
We headed for the same pizza parlor we’d gone to before. Beau glanced at me and asked, “Want me to get you a beer?”
“Nah, I’m good,” I replied, and then said to Kenny, “I’ll play Pac-Man with you. Beau can handle the food.”
“Gee, thanks,” Beau replied just as Kenny said, “Sure!”
Kenny and I went straight for the arcade, where I got us a bunch of tokens. We took turns playing Pac-Man, too many times to count before I asked, “Air hockey?”
“I don’t usually play air hockey.”
“You don’t have to. We can do whatever you want.”
“Let’s try,” Kenny replied, making a strange burst of pride swell inside me.
I added tokens to the machine. The puck came out on Kenny’s side. He set it on the table, shot, and clink, it went right in.
Holy fuck. I hadn’t expected that. “You know this means war, right?”
The puck was warm against my fingers as I set it on the table and…clink! “I’m a bit of an air-hockey champion.”
“You know this means war, right?” Kenny asked, making me drop my head back and laugh. He was so fucking cool. I loved hanging out with him.
We were neck and neck the whole game. The rest of the points didn’t come as easily as the first two, but we traded off each time until we were tied six to six. Not even gonna lie, sweat beaded on my brow a bit as I defended my goal from Kenny and his expert attack. The puck bounced back and forth as we each hit it over and over before I moved in, swiped, missed, and the damn thing went straight in.
“I won! Beau!” Kenny ran toward the arcade door. “I won air hockey! Look, Beau!”
His excitement made me laugh. I felt it in my chest, like it helped fuel my heart.
Beau came through the door, a smile stretched across his face as he looked at the score and then his brother. “You played air hockey?”
“I won air hockey,” Kenny replied.
“He’s good, Cranky Campbell.”
“I can’t believe he played,” Beau replied, then turned to Kenny. “I’m proud of you.”
“Do you want to play? I bet I can beat you too,” Kenny replied.
I took a step back. “Defend my honor,” I teased, then added more money for Beau and Kenny to play while I stood back and watched. I couldn’t remember a night I’d had so much fun.
Beau didn’t kill the engine when he pulled up in front of my house. We’d eaten dinner, then played more games before Beau had taken Kenny home.
“Thanks for tonight,” Beau told me. “The coaching, dinner…playing games with him. He likes you. Kenny’s a friendly guy, but there’s something about you he’s connected with. It means a lot to me that you treat him…that you’ve always treated him like…”
“Like the cool-ass guy he is?” I asked.
“Exactly. Not everyone does, and he is, cool I mean.”
“Yeah,” I replied. “Yeah, he is.” Only he wasn’t the only Campbell brother who was.
“You’re welcome to help me if you want. With the coaching. I’m not sure if that’s something you’re interested in, but you’re good at it. They take to you well, and I could use some help out there. It’s hard to get people to volunteer their time—”
“The way you do?” I cut him off.
“I enjoy it.”
“Doesn’t change the fact that it’s a great thing you do and that most people wouldn’t. Not sure there’s much of anything I’d like more than to help you coach.” I’d felt part of something all day—between the coaching and then dinner. I’d felt part of something important, something bigger than myself. And with Kenny…I’d felt like I had a brother.
“Nothing?” he asked, cocking a brow at me.
“Come inside with me, Campbell.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Come on, don’t go all Cranky Campbell on me now. You were doing so well.”
“Yeah, well, the problem is—and don’t let this go to your head, Carmichael—but I sort of want you. And if I go inside, I’m afraid you’ll be too hard to resist, and I’m not sure you’re ready.”
“Don’t I get to be the one to judge that?” I asked.
“Okay…maybe I’m not sure it’s the best for me either.”
Well, shit. That changed things. “Why?”
“I don’t want to admit that.”
“Why? Because you like me so much?”
“Ugh. Stop fishing.”
“It’s okay. I like you too.”
“Ash…”
“Beau…” He sighed, and I rubbed a hand over my face before continuing. “I’ve spent my whole life pretending, lying. Isn’t it strange that the only time I can’t fake it, the only time I give in and embrace who I am, is when I’m with you? You do something to me. Always have.”
And…I was blushing, ladies and gentlemen. Blushing. That shit didn’t happen very often.
Beau’s eyes snapped to mine, his pupils blown large.
“I know, right?” I asked him. “You’re kind of addicting. It’s very frustrating to the in-denial part of me.”
“You don’t ever have to be ashamed, Ash.” He reached out, cupped my cheek, brushed his thumb against my skin. “There’s nothing wrong with who you are.”
“I’m trying.” I closed my eyes. “Trying to work through it. Being with you helps.”
“You’re going to fucking wreck me, do you know that? When you say shit like that, my whole fucking reality goes up in flames, and I need to keep my head on straight.”
“Straight?” I teased.
“Well, maybe not straight, but I need to be smart. It was…tough, when you left. I didn’t realize exactly why at the time, but I know now. And I can’t help but think you’ll do it again, or this will be too much for you.”
And by this, I knew he meant being an out-and-proud gay man like he was.
“I’m not rushing you. I’m not saying I’m in love with you and begging you to stay. I’m being honest. Just trying to figure out what to do.”
It was on the tip of my tongue to say me. Not because I truly wanted Beau to fuck me—I wasn’t sure I’d ever be ready for that—but because it was a whole lot easier than being honest the way he was.
“What happens if people find out? I don’t want to be the reason you’re outed or to make this any harder on you than it already is. Your name is still in the news every day.”
“Come inside with me, Campbell. No one will find out. We’ll…we’ll take it slow. And I’ll be honest. If it’s too much, I’ll tell you, but right now…Jesus, I want you so fucking much. I’ve wanted you since I was a goddamned kid, and I’m tired of waiting to have you.”
Beau sucked in a sharp breath.
“That honest enough for you?”
“Fucking Ashton Carmichael,” he replied, and I smiled, knowing Beau had as hard a time denying me as I had him.