CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Beau
Mom says Beau is afraid of more things than he realizes, but it’s all heart kind of stuff. ~ Love, Kenny
Seconds turned to minutes, minutes to an hour as we lay there in the dark. The moment felt heavy, loaded. Part of it was from me, because sex with Ash had felt…different. Less like fucking and more like something I’d never experienced before.
If the night was big for me, I knew it had to be even more so for Ash. So I held him, kissed the top of his head, wrapped my arms tighter around him, letting him work out whatever was in that complicated head of his.
“I found my biological mom,” he finally said against my chest, his breath warm around my nipple.
“Holy shit. What? When?” I hadn’t known that was something he’d wanted to do. I couldn’t imagine how I would feel in that situation. I didn’t think anyone could unless they lived it.
“Years ago. I was in college. I was…curious. There was that part of me that wanted to know why…why they hadn’t wanted me. It wasn’t that I didn’t love my parents. I did—I do. They gave me a great life, and I know they loved me, but I…I don’t know. I wanted to know what I did wrong.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Ash. You were a baby.”
“Logically I knew that, but emotionally was a different story. I used to tell myself all these reasons they gave me up, but the truth wasn’t nearly as pretty or exciting as the lies I’d told myself.”
I tugged at him until Ash climbed on top of me, settled between my legs, his chest against my groin. I fingered his short hair, rubbed his cheek, let him know I was there.
“There was no real reason. No one was sick. She hadn’t been too young. She hadn’t not had the money. She’d just…not wanted me. She hadn’t loved my father. I’d been an accident, and so she let me go so she could live her life.”
My heart ached, broke for him. I couldn’t imagine what that felt like, especially for someone like Ash. Someone who was so bold, noble, and strong…someone who didn’t want anyone to know he needed love, while desperately yearning for it. “That’s her loss, baby. Not yours.”
“You called me baby.” I could hear the smile in his words.
“Yeah, I know. That was weird. I’ve never called anyone that before.”
“Now I feel special.”
“You are,” I admitted.
He tensed up briefly against me before leaning down and peppering kisses against my stomach. “Well, shucks. Aren’t you sweet?”
I laughed, and Ash nibbled my stomach. It was eye-opening to see someone in a different light and realize that all those bits and pieces you thought made up who they were, were more your issues than theirs. I guessed that’s what happened when you judged people, when you decided who they were without all the answers. I’d made assumptions about Ash over the years, but I would never do that again. I knew who he was, and that person was incredible. “Oh God. I am sweet. So glad you can’t hear what just went through my head.”
“Tell me.”
“No.”
“Please?” He stuck his tongue in my navel.
“Maybe after you finish your story.”
“Damn it.”
“You can’t get one by me, Ash. Not anymore.”
He sighed, played with my happy trail. “Guess who found me when I started playing pro ball?”
My stomach dropped, and my hands clenched.
“Guess who suddenly wanted a relationship with me then?”
“Fuck.” I cupped his cheek, brushed my thumb back and forth over his face. “That says more about her than it does you. She doesn’t deserve you in her life.”
“The last incident before my retirement?”
My gut tightened, and I wondered if he felt it, if he knew that the thought of him with someone else made me see red.
“It was blackmail.”
“Huh?” I asked. “Did you…did you really have sex with them?” I wasn’t judging him for it. I’d had my fair share of fun, sometimes with more than one other person, but I wanted to know.
“Yes. Of course I did. I hate myself for the way I’ve used women, Campbell, but most of them? Most of them used me too. They didn’t want to be with me because they liked me; they wanted to be with me because I was Ashton Carmichael. Bridget…we’d been dating. I liked her. I didn’t desire her or love her, but I liked her enough that I thought I would feel okay in my life if we stayed together. Bridget liked to have fun, and the foursome was her idea—not that she’d had to try to talk me into it. I think some stupid part of me thought that proved my masculinity or something.”
I sighed, and he brushed his finger along my bandage. I kissed the top of his head. “I’m here, Ash. Keep going. I’m not going to judge you.”
“I know you won’t…not you. So, we drank a lot. I…I had to take Viagra off and on too. I needed it with women, sometimes.”
Ash buried his face in my stomach, and my heart broke for him.
“So we had sex. I hadn’t known about the pictures. She told me about them. I paid her for them—and the fucked-up part was I would have given her money regardless. I don’t give a shit about that. Still, she leaked them. She’d gotten what she wanted from me. She wasn’t the first.”
My blood ran cold. My whole body went rigid, tense with anger and pain for Ash. “Jesus, baby. I’m so fucking sorry. You didn’t deserve that. Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you tell people?”
“Would it have mattered?” he asked. And then, more quietly, added, “I love football. I want football. I still want it. Who am I if I’m not a football player? But part of me, part of me was relieved.”
I squeezed him tighter, held him. Wanted my body to melt into his. I would do anything to protect him, to take care of him, to make sure no one hurt or used him again. “I will never use you. I don’t give a shit about football. I only care about you.”
“You’re one of the only people in my life with whom I never felt like you wanted something from me.”
I didn’t want just something from Ash…I wanted him. I always had. “That’s kind of a lie because I want you… I’ve always wanted to be a part of your world, your life, but I just didn’t understand it.”
“That’s different.”
“Is it?” I asked.
“Yes, because I’ve always felt the same about you. It’s like…like it was always there between us. We might not have known it, but it was.”
He was right. I knew it down to the marrow of my bones. “I’m falling in love with you, Ash,” I admitted, despite the tightness in my throat, the thump of my heart, and the spinning in my head. “I know it’s soon and you’re not out. I’m not trying to put pressure on you. I’ve just…never had something I wanted as much as you, something I was willing to fight for.” I hadn’t even been willing to fight for football. My whole life I’d told myself it was because I had a family to take care of, but I was sure it was really fear. I wouldn’t make that same mistake with Ash.
“Holy shit. We’re in love, Campbell.” He leaped up and straddled my hips. “Do you know what this means?”
“No…?”
“Me neither, but it sounded good.”
Laughing, I cupped his face with both hands, pulled him closer, and took his mouth. It was a kiss filled with desire, with years of want and denial. “You said we’re in love, Carmichael.”
“I did? That’s weird.”
“Fucker.”
He was quiet for a moment, then said, “Kenny asked tonight if I was your boyfriend, and I told him I wasn’t.”
It was both like a punch to the gut and something I understood. I waited for him to continue, and when he didn’t, replied with, “So?”
“I lied because I was scared. I want to be committed to you, but I’m so fucking scared. I know it’s stupid, that I need to get over myself, but what if I can’t? What if I can’t do this?”
“Cut yourself some slack. You’re just getting comfortable in your skin. I’m not pressuring you.”
“What if it never happens?”
“It will.”
“What if it doesn’t?”
“I don’t think there’s anything you can’t do, Ashton Carmichael. Come on, you know that.”
I sat up, and his arms went around my neck, his legs around my waist. “Well…I am really fucking good.”
“You are, but I won’t ever admit that again.”
“What about just once a week? Or at least once a month. I’m sure we can come to some kind of agreement.”
“Nope. Never.”
“You’re killing me here, Campbell. We’re teammates. We gotta work together.”
“What will you do for me?” I asked him.
He answered with his lips against mine, kissing me, then sliding off me, sucking my cock between his lips until stars danced behind my eyes and I came in his mouth.
“I’m already getting used to the taste. I think I kind of like it.”
When we collapsed onto the bed again together, both of us breathing hard, I said, “Okay, we might be able to come to an agreement.”
Then we laughed, held each other, and went to sleep.