CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
Ashton
Ashton Carmichael plays with a whole lot of heart, only I’m not sure if he always realizes it.
It had been a few days since our double date under the guise of two dudes playing chauffeurs. It wasn’t my proudest moment, lying to Kenny for the second time. The whole night I’d wondered what it would be like to reach out and hold Beau’s hand the way Kenny held Lori’s. To claim Beau as my own. What was the worst that could happen? Some asshole might talk shit, but if they were that kind of person, why did I care in the first place?
But then I thought about football…the shit I’d heard in locker rooms, the lies I’d had to tell myself for years…the possibility of getting my career back and proving everyone wrong about me, that I wasn’t some fuckup who put dumb shit ahead of my career. That I took football seriously. That I was worthy.
Of course that scared me deeper into the closet again. I wanted to prove everyone wrong, even if it was only for one more season before I left on my own terms. But did getting football back mean losing Beau?
Lori’s parents hadn’t asked a word. No one had taken a second glance at us all night. Maybe we could do this. Maybe Beau and I could keep going the way we were. I could go back for a year, prove the headlines about me wrong, and then live openly with Beau.
Okay, so maybe I was imagining a nonexistent fairy tale where two men rode off into the sunset together, but still.
Grumbling at myself, I went into my old room, which I’d turned into exercise space, and worked out. I’d jogged with Beau that morning, but ever since the phone call from my agent, I’d been hitting it extra hard.
When I felt like my muscles might give out on me, I showered, then headed to a meeting I’d scheduled. My brain turned to mush while I talked and signed papers for two hours, which obviously meant I needed a chocolate éclair. I mean, I worked out twice already. I deserved it.
“Hey, Beth,” I said to Beau’s mom as she put baked goods into the glass case by the register.
“Hey, you.” She leaned over the counter and kissed my cheek, the way she would have with Kenny or Beau.
I closed my eyes, savored the feel of her. This woman who treated me like her son…who loved her boys and accepted them.
“Beau’s working, right?” she asked while handing me my treat. She just might have been one of my favorite people in the world.
“Yeah, he is. Where’s Kenny?”
“He’ll be here in a minute. He’s walking down from the college.” Fever Falls Community College was a few miles up the street, which made it convenient for them. A couple of customers came in, and she told me, “You can sit down for a bit.”
I did while waiting for her to finish, studying the pinks and browns she’d decorated with. A few minutes later the bakery was empty again, and she sat with me at the small, circular table.
I felt her eyes on me as I finished eating. For some reason, I couldn’t make myself look at her, afraid of what I’d see, of what I might show her. There was a heaviness to the moment that felt different from any of the other times I’d been with her.
“I know it might sound strange, but I’d like to thank you.”
I wiped my fingers on a napkin and frowned. “Thank me?” She had nothing to thank me for.
“Yeah. You’ve brought a light into my boys’ lives—both of them—that had been missing. Kenny has always had Beau. That’s never been a question, but…well, I’m sure it’s different having your brother than someone you don’t feel has to be there. You make Kenny feel special, like he belongs to something outside of his family or events that are all tied back to having Down syndrome. Football, the center, his friendships are all in his life because of that. And you’re not. You’re there because you just want to be, and I’m not sure if you know how special that is.”
My tongue felt like it swelled, preventing me from speaking. It was one thing to hear something like that from Beau, but to hear it from his mom? There were no words to describe what that meant to me. I opened my mouth to try and find some, but she shook her head, stopping me.
“Let me finish first because I feel like this part might be even harder for you than the other. I don’t know if you see just what you’ve done for Beau. It’s hard to put into words really. Well, I guess I could take a page of your book and say Beau’s always been a bit of a Cranky Campbell.”
I couldn’t help but smile at that.
“I mean, he has his career that he loves. He has me and Kenny, his friends, and football, but nothing that was really just his, if that makes sense. Something or someone he wanted just for himself because it made him happy. This friendship with you is something Beau wants for himself, something that makes him happy on a different level, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for that.”
I shifted, uncomfortable in my skin, with the praise. I appreciated what she said, but I didn’t want to be thanked for being Beau’s friend. I didn’t deserve that kind of praise. “You don’t have anything to thank me for. I spend time with them both because they make me feel good too. Kenny’s smile could light up the whole damn world, and Beau…” I closed my eyes, took a couple of deep breaths. “I…I think you know we’re more than just friends.” It was the first time in my life I’d admitted anything like that, except to Beau.
“I thought maybe you were, but I wasn’t going to pry. It’s your business—yours and Beau’s.”
“I’m in love with him, but I don’t…” My eyes started to water, right fucking there in the middle of the bakery. “Shit. Why is this so hard?”
Beth got up, locked the door, closed the blinds, and flipped the OPEN side around.
She knelt in front of me. “You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to say.”
But I did, I wanted to. Wanted to let the words free, at least to someone. To family. “I don’t know why this is so fucking hard for me.” I wiped my eyes on the back of my hand. “I’m in love with him, but I can’t… I’m not…”
“Hey.” She clasped my chin softly, angling my head so I looked at her. “I’ll tell you the same thing I told Beau when he came out to me. I love you. You’re perfect the way you are. If anyone doesn’t understand that, fuck them. You have nothing to be ashamed of, but this is also your show, your life. You decide when and how, okay?”
I wrapped my arms around her, pulled her to me, fisted my hands in her shirt, and just breathed…breathed in a way I was only able to do around Beau, because it was in those moments that I was completely free.
We held each other until I stopped crying, until I wiped my eyes and made a joke so she’d laugh. We stood, nodded at each other before she hugged me again, and just like that, I knew I was one hundred percent accepted by her, but that she wouldn’t mention it again unless I let her know it was okay.
I excused myself to the bathroom while she opened the bakery back up. I splashed water on my face, smiled at myself in the mirror, the weight on my shoulders feeling lighter than it had in years.
I’d told someone other than Beau, and it had been okay.
This sort of high took me over, swam in my bones, built me up. I’d told someone, and it had been…incredible.
A smile still curved my lips when I came out of the restroom. When I saw Kenny, my body became lighter, felt like I was floating, like I was invincible. I wanted to let him in, to share with him who I was the way I’d done with Beth.
“Ash!” He damn near glowed when he saw me.
I hugged him, and the three of us chatted for a few minutes before I nodded outside. “You wanna go for a walk with me, or what?” I asked.
“Yeah. I’d love to!”
We walked down the street and around the corner toward the park. When we passed the firehouse, I thought of Beau. One of the engines was gone. Was he on it? Was he off risking his life and being a hero while I sat here thinking it was a big deal to tell his accepting family I was gay? It felt like such a small thing when I compared it to something like that. I knew it wasn’t—not really. It was cutting yourself open in one of the most intimate ways.
“So…I have something to admit to you,” I told Kenny as we went into the park, heading straight for the picnic table Beau and I shared more than once.
Kenny frowned. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, K-man. It’s good. It’s just…well, I lied to you about something, and I’m feeling terrible about it.”
“It’s okay, Ash. I’m sure you had a good reason.”
His unwavering support and forgiveness warmed my soul. “I wouldn’t say that quite yet. You don’t know what I did, and I have a habit of fucking up big-time.” I’d done it a lot over the years.
“I trust you.”
Reaching over, I wrapped an arm around Kenny and pulled him in for a half hug. We sat at the table, my knee bouncing up and down like crazy before I forced myself to look at him, to own the truth, and said, “Remember when you asked me if Beau was my boyfriend?”
He frowned again, dimples deepening in his face. “Yeah.”
“Well, when I said no to you…I lied. Beau is…” My boyfriend, my lover. None of them carried enough meat to them. They didn’t feel strong enough. “We’re together, and I love him.”
“Okay… That makes me happy. I want you and Beau to be together. I want you for a brother. But I don’t understand why you would lie about it.”
No, he wouldn’t, because he was so open, so honest. I could learn a lot from him. “It’s tough to explain. Things aren’t always simple.”
“But you love him. Why can’t that be simple?”
I ran a hand over my face, unsure of how to answer. “It should be. I wish it was. But this is new for me, and I’m still trying to work through it.”
“But you love Beau and he loves you?” Kenny asked.
“Yeah, I think so. I know how I feel.” Beau had said he felt the same.
“Then I still don’t understand why it’s not that simple.”
A million different replies ran through my head, but they were all excuses. In the end, all I could give him was the truth. “I don’t either, K-man. But I’m trying, and until then, I need you to do me a favor and keep it a secret. I didn’t want to lie to you about it anymore. It’s not fair to you or Beau, but I’m not…I’m not ready for anyone else to know.”
“When will you be?”
“I’m not sure.”
“Okay.” Kenny grinned. “I can keep a secret. And I have a new brother!” His joy radiated from him, blinding me. I tried to keep up, but I couldn’t. If somehow we could contain Kenny’s passion for the world, everything would be okay.
Right then, everything felt better than okay—it felt perfect.
“Can you keep one more secret for me? I had a meeting today I want to tell you about,” I asked him, and when he nodded, I leaned forward and told him.