CHAPTER NINETEEN
Ashton
I’m gay.
I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay.
No matter how many times I replayed the words in my head, I couldn’t believe I was admitting them…couldn’t believe I’d said them aloud to Beau. It had been the only time in my life the words had passed my lips, the only time I’d allowed myself to even think them, even though deep down, I’d always known they were true, no matter how much I’d denied it.
I’m gay.
I hadn’t been lying when I’d told Beau I didn’t want to be gay—at least I never had before. Every time I noticed a man, every time I felt that itch of desire, I told myself it wasn’t real, it was a fluke, and most of the time, I was able to ignore it. I got drunk, went out and fucked, and everything was fine. Sometimes the alcohol wasn’t needed, but other times it was. I never slipped, never gave in to that desire that lay dormant inside me for as long as I could remember…except with him.
Fucking Cranky Campbell. He was ruining everything. What in the hell was it about him that tied me up in knots?
The bed dipped as he moved. Beau was in my bed. Granted, we were fully dressed, on top of the blankets, and I had no idea how to even make an attempt at anything with a guy, but he was there, beside me. I’d felt his breath on my skin as I slept. Felt his warmth. Maybe sort of wondered if he was hard right then, because my dick was apparently working again.
Holding my breath, I rolled over to my side, faced him, leaned up on my elbow, and looked down at him. The tension he often held in his face was gone as he slept. His lips were soft, this sort of half grin on them. It made me smile as I fought myself not to reach out and trace his mouth with my finger.
His hair was a dark mess. It was mostly straight, just the ends slightly wavy like they always were. My fingers tingled as I remember what it felt like.
I peeked down at the happy face on his arm, wanted to trace that with my finger too…maybe my tongue. Hmm. What would Beau’s skin taste like? How would it feel against mine?
My eyes traveled down his chest, his stomach, his bulge. Fuck, there was a guy with a hard-on in bed with me. What did he look like? Feel like? Smell like? Because yep, I suddenly wondered about the scent of Beau’s skin in those intimate places.
I’m gay, I’m gay, I’m gay.
My body had a whole lot easier time accepting it than my brain currently did.
My eyes began to make the journey upward again—stomach, chest, smile—“You fucker! You’re awake!”
“What? Me? No!” He opened his eyes when I playfully pushed him. “Okay, maybe, but can you blame me for soaking in the moment…and for giving you time?”
“Time to ogle you?”
“Time for whatever you need.”
Ugh. Because of course Beau would be understanding. “It’s easier to pretend, to lie to myself, when I’m not around you. It’s quite frustrating. If I didn’t like you, I’d hate you, which hey, I’m pretty sure you feel the same way. You’ve spent your life trying to pretend you hate me. That must mean you like me a lot.”
I might have been slightly emotionally stunted, because it was much easier to make it all about the maybe crush Beau had on me and the fact that I made him realize he was gay than focusing on myself. Oh, and making a joke out of things. Classic avoidance 101. I aced the class.
Beau leaned up on his elbow too, so we were facing each other. I waited for a joke, for him to roll his eyes or call me cocky because that was how we worked. We sniped at each other, were in competition with each other, but I could see by the gentleness in his eyes, that wasn’t where he was going to go with this.
“It wasn’t easy for me at first, Ash. Try to keep your head from getting too big here, but when you kissed me, everything sort of clicked into place. It was like a light bulb suddenly turned on, and I was like…ooh, this is why I couldn’t love Shan the way she loved me, why I didn’t get why sex was so awesome, and oh, why I hated Ashton Carmichael. I didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t want to believe it. Hell, I didn’t even know anyone who was gay. Fever Falls has grown a lot since then. We didn’t have Fever Street back then…well, it was there, but it wasn’t as fabulous.” He winked at me, and I grinned.
“I had to do a lot of soul searching…and I was scared out of my mind to come out to my mom, friends, people around town. But I did it in my own time and in my own way, and you will too. No one can tell you how or when to come to terms with this. You’re calling the play, Ash.”
“Sports reference for the win.”
“Stop making jokes.”
“Did you hook up with anyone after me?” The question just sort of tumbled out.
“Nope. I’m a virgin.”
“Smart-ass.”
“I waited a few weeks. I know that doesn’t sound like long, but I sort of started to get my head around it, and then I wanted to experiment. I told myself I had to do that before I came out. Some of it was probably not incredibly safe—I was going to Atlanta and hooking up with random guys—but I realized I was really fucking gay and I liked it. I met Lincoln right after. We both had fake IDs and were in a gay club. We were attracted to each other, but we weren’t compatible sexually. We’ve been best friends ever since.”
There was a twitch of jealousy in my chest, which was absolutely ridiculous. Beau wasn’t mine, and Lincoln was his best friend. I wasn’t even sure I ever planned to come out.
“I lied to myself…not before the kiss. I can’t even fucking believe I did that. It wasn’t something I’d ever considered…being attracted to men, but I knew I cared about you, and you were there…so fucking close. Your lips looked so damn good, and I had to know what you tasted like. I just did it. Jesus, it scared the shit out of me, Beau. I blamed you, hated myself, couldn’t imagine what I would do if anyone found out. How the fuck could I go to college a gay football player? That was the beginning of the denial.”
I closed my eyes because it was easier to continue that way. “Sometimes…I’d let my guard down…I’d look…I’d notice, fuck, I’d want, Campbell. God, I fucking wanted so badly—a guy at the gym or a guy at the grocery store. Someone at a club or in a class. Then I’d fucking hate myself for it, would think of my career and hate myself more. Would party hard, fuck more because I wasn’t gay if I was fucking women—oftentimes in pairs or more. But it didn’t go away.” I opened my eyes, ran a hand through my hair. “Fuck, I can’t believe I just said all that.”
“That right there was the most real you’ve ever been. Don’t hide from me, Ash.”
I nodded, feeling weak, raw. Like I was just bare bones and heart and Beau could see it all. I’d never been so stripped down in my life.
“Do you want me to go?” he asked.
“No.” What I wanted was to surrender to him, to myself. To let go of all the baggage, football, my fuckups, who I’d always wanted to be, and to just…see what happened. But I didn’t know if I could do that. “You gonna let me try and kiss you again, Campbell? I’ll do my best not to run this time.”
“I’m not so sure that’s a good idea. I don’t want you to go too fast.”
“It’s been ten years. I’m not going too fast. And I’m also a whole hell of a lot better than I used to be. You’ll like it. I promise.”
He chuckled. “There’s not a doubt in my head that I’ll like it.”
“Don’t make me beg. I’m not sure my self-confidence can survive it.”
“I think your self-confidence can survive anything.”
“Campbell…”
“Shut up and kiss me, Ash.”
“If you insist.”
“Asshole.”
“Stop talking, or I can’t kiss you. I’m practically a virgin, and you’re stressing me out.”
He laughed again, and I felt his breath on my face, felt the heat of his body close to mine. “You’re impossible. I can’t dislike you even when I try. How am I supposed to handle you now?” There was no sarcastic tone to his voice, making me wonder how serious he was. If Beau really worried about what this kiss would mean for our friendship. It seemed as though it affected him in ways I didn’t understand.
“This is a lot of buildup for a kiss.” I’d slept with a lot of people in my life, a lot, but none of them made me tremble with anticipation the way the thought of kissing Beau did.
“I might fall asleep before you do it.”
“Ugh. Fine.” I leaned in, brushed my lips against his, felt a zap of electricity course through me. An exaggeration? Probably, but that was what it felt like.
His lips were soft, so fucking soft. Softer than I remembered, but when I leaned closer, kissed harder, I felt his stubble against my skin. The contrast of rough and silky did something to my body, made everything go haywire, like I was functioning on overdrive.
I let my tongue sneak out, trace Beau’s lips, sneak into his mouth, and he let me inside. He was holding back, allowing me to lead. I could feel it in his movements, in the tightness of his body, but as my tongue stroked his, he groaned, let out this guttural sound that made my dick hard and my brain soar. “Don’t hold back,” I told him as I kissed my way down his neck, rubbed my stubbled cheek against his. “Fuck, don’t hold back, Campbell.”
From there, I basically attacked him. Beau rolled to his back, opened his legs, and I settled between them. I tightened my hands in his hair, sucked his tongue, nibbled his lip. Beau’s large palms ran up and down my back, under my shirt, down to my ass. “This okay?” he asked.
This was fucking incredible. “Don’t stop,” I told him. As soon as the words left my mouth, he thrust against me, groin to groin, dick to dick, and fuck, who the hell knew that rubbing your cock against someone else’s felt so damn good? Even with our jeans between us, I felt like I was going to bust my load any second.
His fingers dug into my ass as I rutted against him. I was basically fucking riding him, humping him like a damn dog, and I couldn’t find it in myself to care. I wanted him, this, to feel Beau in all his masculinity.
I took his mouth again, savored it, the taste of him, scent of him, everything about Beau. In that moment, it didn’t matter that Beau was a man or that I was gay, just being with him did. No, actually, that wasn’t true. It did matter that he was a man, but not in the way I thought it would. Not because it wasn’t what I wanted, but because it was what I truly needed. I thrust into him, felt his cock against mine, and it was as if my whole world exploded, as if it was righted. I’d been wrong my entire life, but there with Beau, everything felt right. Not just the sex part, because obviously, it was about more than sex.
We moved against each other, my erection harder and harder by the second. I swallowed his moans and smiled against his lips when he gave me his. His body was hard, his kisses hungry but soft. He pulled me tighter against him, and damn, he felt good.
My balls drew tight as my orgasm slammed into me. I couldn’t have held it back if I wanted to, and I hadn’t. Beau’s body tightened beneath me as he cursed, and it felt really fucking good to have that effect on him, to make him come…to have him come with him.
I dropped my forehead to his, breathed him in as he held me. “I think it’s safe to say my dick officially works again. Maybe a little too well.” When I’d planned to kiss him, I sure as shit hadn’t thought it would make me come.
“Are you okay?” he asked before pressing a kiss to my lips.
“I just came so hard, my brain is mush. I’m fucking fabulous. Oh, that’s a gay thing, right? Being fabulous?” I teased.
“Always so fucking funny.”
“I’m fine, Campbell.” And I was. With Beau, none of that other shit mattered. “Maybe next time we can try that naked. Is that a thing you do? Just rubbing off on each other?”
His laugh vibrated through my chest. “Slow your roll, Ash.”
But I didn’t want to slow down. I was too fired up. I wanted to experience.