I find myself completely out of sorts at the next meeting with some of my new law firm partners. I can’t concentrate on anything and my brains keeps running through Grace’s words on a constant loop. How could she think what happened between us meant nothing? How could she fucking do me so dirty like that? I’m the one who’s used to leaving— how dare she leave me?
“Boyd?” I’m broken out of my reverie when I hear my name. I look up and see Cameron Sanchez’s face looking at me with concern written all over it. “What’s up with you? You seem distracted.”
“I am distracted. I might as well tell you now, since it’ll be the talk of the fucking office soon, if it isn’t already. It’s my assistant. Grace. She just quit.”
“Did you sleep with her?” Cameron immediately asks. “You fucking slept with her, didn’t you?”
Cameron is someone who would know. Some of the other faces staring at mine belong to other partners who would know, too—Jameson, Asher, Garrett. All of them would know, because they’ve all done it themselves. So, I don’t even try to deny it.
“Yeah, but, it wasn’t what you think,” I say, wanting them to understand. Foolishly, I can’t help but think I need them to understand and then maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to understand myself.
“Boyd! You need to stop this,” a newer partner named Steve says. Having never fallen prey to a workplace affair—at least not that any of us know about—he’s always the reasonable one. “I know that half these guys have done worse and that for some of them, it’s turned out fine and dandy but that doesn’t mean it’s a good fucking idea. Most of the time these dalliances don’t end in some picture perfect marriage with kids. Instead, they have the capacity to blow a law firm up. You should be glad that she left quietly and it didn’t come to some sexual harassment lawsuit. You could have lost your job.”
I don’t even respond. I know that what he’s saying is perfectly rational. But I don’t have time to be rational; I just want Grace.
“He could have just lost his job? What about our jobs?” Tim demands. He’s new to this firm but came with me from our prior firm, so he’s one of the few who know my old reputation. “This was my number one concern when agreeing to this merger—that everyone here is a bunch of philandering playboys, but I thought you would leave your old ways in the past. You do know that you’re putting the rest of this firm at risk with what you’ve been up to, right?”
He’s staring at me angrily as he hurls the words. I’m hurt that he has such little faith in my ability to make decisions—I’ve fooled around before, but I’ve honestly not felt this way about any of them as I do for Grace—but, at the same time, I can understand where he’s coming from. He’s always been one to speak his mind and I can’t fault him for that.
“I know what I’ve been doing is stupid and we’re lucky that we haven’t landed ourselves in some sort of legal trouble,” I say, trying to placate them. “But there was just something about her. She seemed…”
“Different?” Tim says, annoyance in his voice. “She’s not like all the other women you’ve ever been with before?”
“Hey,” Asher says, obviously objecting to the mocking tone in Tim’s voice. “It does happen, you know.”
“No, I was going to say she seemed genuine,” I say, answering Tim while sighing deeply. But I give a nod of thanks to Asher for the backup. At least I’m among some people who know what I’m going through. “And I don’t know how it happened but I do know that I want to be with her.”
“I’m sure you thought that about all the other girls I’ve seen you out and about with,” Tim snaps at me.
I resist trying to roll my eyes at him. He’s just jealous.
“Not true at all,” I tell him. “I wouldn’t have done something so dangerous had I not thought it was the real thing.”
I can see Cameron slowing shaking his head, as if realizing I really mean it.
“You really shouldn’t be allowed to hire female assistants,” Steve says. “That rule they applied to Garrett before he hooked up with Carolina should have been more strictly enforced, and continued to be.”
“Hey!” Garrett objects. “That worked out just fine, thank you. Don’t be dragging me into this.”
“You all drag yourselves into this and your new partners too,” Tim tells him. To me, he says, “You need to get your act together, man.”
“You’re better off without her. Nothing good can come of this,” Steve says, and gets up from his seat. He turns off the projector we had been using for the meeting and unplugs it, gathering the small machine in his hands.
“You know, I don’t need a lecture right now. I need you guys to be on my side,” I say, getting up and gathering my stuff from the meeting. I no longer really wish to speak to them. I sit on the edge of the conference room table, defeated.
Tim also begins picking up his things from the meeting, but he remains silent, indicating that they have nothing else to say to me. He joins Steve by the door and then they stop and look back at me, their sneers showing they think I’m pathetic.
“We are on your side. You just don’t want to hear the truth,” Tim says and walks out of the room. Steve remains behind for a moment.
“Tim’s right. Maybe now you’ll learn not to mix business with pleasure,” Steve says, and he too, leaves without so much as a second glance.
One by one the other partners leave; some hadn’t said a word to me. But finally only Asher and Cameron are left—the two original founding partners and childhood friends.
“You know,” Asher says, putting a firm hand on my shoulder. “I’ve learned I’m not one to try to give advice about these things.”
“That’s for sure,” Cameron says, with a laugh. “We learned the hard way that when we fall for someone in this office, we fall hard, and not everyone understands. Hell, we didn’t even understand ourselves, after it happened to us.”
“That’s true,” Asher agrees. “At first, we were hard on our fellow partners for doing the same exact thing we had. We thought that even though it lasted for us, it would be different for them. But then we learned we know shit about any of this.”
“Yeah,” Cameron says, with a shrug. “We have good insurance, and hopefully we won’t be needing it. Hopefully you can get this sorted out, just like we did. We’ve decided to trust our partners to be able to do that, from now on.”
“Thanks, guys,” I tell them, relieved that not everyone hates me.
Suddenly, Madilyn pokes her head in through the door.
“Everything alright, honey? The meeting ended and everyone came out except for you guys…”
“Everything’s fine, my love,” Asher says, nodding at me and then walking over to Madilyn and putting his arm around her.
“They’re just in a hurry to get out of here because they have a big date tonight,” Cameron explains.
“Oh, hush,” Madilyn says, but she’s laughing.
“It’s true,” Asher confirms, smiling down at her. “Her mom is taking our baby to meet Santa Claus at the mall. It’s not every day we get time to ourselves. So I need to savor every second of it.”
“He doesn’t know what to do with himself when I’m not covered in baby puke or having to run off to sing a lullabye,” Madilyn says, obviously enjoying teasing him.
“That’s not true at all,” Asher says. “I know exactly what to do with myself, and with you too…”
“Get a room,” Cameron calls after them. “No, seriously, maybe ask Madilyn’s mom to keep the baby overnight, and book a hotel room. You guys obviously need some alone time, to get all of this pent up frustration out of your system.”
“Yeah, you’re desperately announcing your affection in public,” I chide them, but I’m smiling. My heart pulls at me, wishing I could be doing the same with Grace. If only she could see how much I care about her.
Fuck.
I care about her. That much is for sure. I hadn’t meant to fall in love, but I clearly have. And now I have to do something about it.
“Bye, Boyd,” Cameron tells me, as he follows Asher and Madilyn out the door. I still hadn’t gathered my stuff, too flustered by how horribly the talk had gone with my partners, so I start doing that now, all the while wondering how I can get Grace back, and what will happen if she doesn’t want that.
Soon, I’m left all alone with my thoughts, which can’t help but wander off to no place I want to be.