I spend the next several days alone in my room, only coming out for meals and to take long walks through the park across the street. Andrew and Colleen try to cheer me up, but nothing works. Nothing will placate my grief over losing Boyd. And although I was the one who made the choice—or rather, had to make the choice—to leave him, it doesn’t make the pain hurt any less. If anything, it makes it worse.
I’m quietly reading at my desk when I hear a knock at the door.
“Come in,” I say, placing the book face down on the desk and swiveling my chair towards the door.
Andrew opens the door slowly and takes in the room before he says anything. I wait patiently for him to start the conversation, although I know where it’s already going to go. Our conversations lately have been short and concise. It’s not like it used to be and I’m afraid that we’ll never get back what we once had.
“Let’s go for a walk. I’d like to talk to you,” Andrew says, walking into the room. He sits on the edge of my bed and looks at his hands. “I know things have been hard for you since quitting your job and I was hoping there was something I could do.”
“Andrew,” I say, looking away from him. I’m not really sure what to say to the man who forced me to make the hardest decision of my life. “There’s honestly nothing you can do. I just need some time.”
I swivel my chair away, my back turned to him, and attempt to go back to reading my book.
“Please, Grace,” Andrew says, standing up and coming over to me. “I want you to be able to confide in me. Maybe talking about…Boyd with someone else will help you move on.” He gets up and walks over toward the door. “I’ll see you outside in ten minutes.”
I sit at my desk for several minutes, knowing that I don’t seem to have another choice. But maybe talking about Boyd with someone else will help me move on. I can’t just keep everything bottled up forever. I’ll never be able to let go if I’m trying desperately to hold on. I grab my tennis shoes and pull them on.
Plus, it’s not like I have anything better to do, I can’t help but remind myself. I feel I’ve given up my only chance of happiness in order to keep my foster parents happy.
Andrew waits for me on the porch, in full on athletic gear. I can already tell that this is going to be much more of a walk then I’m going to be able to handle. I’ve never been one to enjoy working out. In fact, I quite prefer the activity of wrapping a blanket around myself on the couch with my Kindle in hand.
The trail into the park behind our house is a long one. It winds deeper and deeper into the woods for what feels like an eternity. Andrew walks beside me in silence for several minutes, the miles sliding past us slowly.
“Grace…” Andrew begins but I cut him off. I stand in front of him, my hands on my hips in frustration.
“How do you know that what I feel for Boyd isn’t true love? How do you know?” I ask, not sure if I actually want an answer from Andrew.
“Grace,” Andrew says, stopping me in my tracks. “You’re young. You don’t know what you really want. Only God knows what’s best for you.”
“I don’t know if that’s true,” I say, knowing that what comes out of my mouth will only cause Andrew pain, but I can’t stop myself from saying it. “What’s so bad about knowing myself and knowing what I want?” I continue, sitting on a rock just alongside the trail. I lace my fingers together and take a deep breath. “I know that I want to be with Boyd.”
“Grace, don’t say such things,” Andrew says, sitting on a rock beside me.
“Why not?” I’ve never spoken to Andrew with such contempt before and yet I can’t keep the frustration out of my voice.
“Because he’s not right for you. God is working on His plan for you and you need to give Him time to do so. He’s even working on his plan for me and it’s taken me in a very unexpected direction.”
He moves closer to me and stares out into the trees.
“What are you talking about?” I ask, curious as to what Andrew’s really getting at. “What direction?”
“I believe that God is calling me to separate from Colleen.” He says it so matter-of-factly that I’m unsure if I hear him correctly.
“I’m sorry, what?” I turn towards him in shock, not believing what I’m hearing.
“I’m going to leave Colleen.”
“Why? And why would you think that God would want you to do that?”
I honestly cannot comprehend anything that’s happening at the moment.
“Sometimes you just have to take things in stride,” Andrew says, looking into my eyes. “Sometimes you just have to accept the fact that things change.”
He gives me a look that I’m unsure what to do with. It’s unlike any look Andrew has ever given me. It’s almost as if…
“I think we should head back to the house,” I say, standing up and brushing myself off. I no longer wish to have this conversation with Andrew. I don’t even want to think about where he’s going with it.
It makes me sick to think he could think that way about me. Had he just been waiting until the right time to tell me? Or had he only realized it now that I’m trying to move onto a life that’s not so dependent on him? Either way, it’s sick and I question his motives for everything now. This is not what I need, on top of everything else.
Boyd pops into my head and I wish desperately to be able to talk to him about what just transpired between Andrew and me. I begin walking down the path back towards the house. Andrew stands up a few moments after me and we walk back to the house in silence.