Chapter 4 – Madilyn
All this time spent living in an unsatisfactory sexual relationship has taken its toll. I’ve wanted to call it off for a long time, and last night was my chance. It was yet another sexless, boring day, when Jimmy had told me after dinner that he was going to “hit the sack” early. (That was his phrase— not mine. Sometimes he talks like an old man. And he even insisted on sleeping in the guest bedroom because he didn’t want to “soil” our future marriage bed.)
Realizing that I should have said something a long time ago, I decided to speak up last night. I’d been trying to work up the courage to do it for a while, and I was frustrated enough that it seemed like the perfect time. In fact, I began to realize that the first time he had ever gone to bed without having sex with me should have been the last time.
“Jimmy. I can’t do this anymore.”
I’d never been so relieved to finally be able to utter those words, but he looked crushed.
“Let’s sleep on it,” he’d said, in his usual non- confrontational style. “You might feel differently in the morning.”
This morning, I did not feel differently. I strapped a leash on my dog Lucia, as I do most mornings, and took her for a jog.
Thinking that maybe Jimmy wasn’t as sexually into me as he used to be because I’d gained a few pounds, I’d taken up jogging a while ago. It didn’t make Jimmy become any more interested in me sexually, and it didn’t help me lose weight— I like New Mexican food a bit too much to make sure my diet matches my strict exercise regimen— but the jogging routine helped me clear my head and have time to myself.
This morning, I’d thought about how long and hard I’d worked to get to this place in my career. I’d gone straight from kindergarten through law school. I’d made Law Review— an elite panel of law students chosen to write and edit legal articles for the school’s legal journal— and I’d gotten good grades.
I’d gotten a pretty good summer clerkship and this very good permanent associate job offer. All that mattered now was doing a good job at my new job, climbing the associate ladder to partnership and being a successful lawyer.I didn’t want to let my old relationship problems get in the way of my new career.
When I got back home, I dressed in my most expensive and best- looking suit— the same one I’d worn when I’d interviewed and gotten this job— and told myself in the mirror that I could do it. Today was my day.
Jimmy was awake and he looked at me hopefully. I know him too well to hope that he would be the one to bring up last night’s break- up, even though I also knew it was on his mind.
It was clear that it would be up to me to keep doing the dirty work.
“Jimmy,” I said, trying to sound kind but business- like. “Do you have somewhere to go stay tonight? Your brother’s?”
“I— I thought—”
He’d looked down at the carpet but he didn’t say anything further.
“I’ll probably stay late at work today, since it’s my first day and all,” I told him.
I wanted to say that while I knew he had to work today, I thought it would be best if he could get his essential things together after work while I was still gone, and stay with his brother overnight.
But I didn’t want to be cruel. I was hoping he would read in between the lines.
“I have to go now,” I told him, rather than discussing it any further.
“Have a good first day,” he’d told me, his eyes still downcast.
And now he’s calling me, twice in a row, when I’m not supposed to be taking calls here in Cubicle Hell, even though there’s not much else for me to be doing.
I finally accept the writing on the wall: Jimmy is not going to leave me alone until I talk to him more bluntly about what I want, or more accurately what I don’t want.
I know I had to get it over with. And then I’ll be free to fantasize guilt-free about Mr. Mystery Man.
I’ll just insert him into the fantasy I wrote for Mary. From the way that he had raised his eyebrows at me in pleasant surprise when I had told him, “Yes, Sir,” I think Mystery Man would appreciate my fantasy a lot better than Jimmy did. And he’d probably be able to help me out with it in real life, too, if it weren’t for the fact that we’re co-workers.
But a girl can still dream, right? That’s what fantasy is for. And I sure do have a lot fantasizing to do about Mystery Man.