At dinner that night with Andrew and Colleen, I continue to hope that the activity I had been partaking in while they were away isn’t written all over my face. I know they would certainly not approve of such a thing. When I was younger and first living with them, even the thought of masturbation scared me. I would have done anything to avoid being kicked out of their house. They had always been so good to me and wanted what was best for me.

But even then, my urges and curiosities were too strong. I would wait until late at night after they had already gone to bed to touch myself. But even after pleasuring myself to full tilt, I would be scared out of my mind that they could somehow sense what I was doing and punish me for it.

It always seemed as if Andrew’s eyes bore a hole through my clothes, revealing all and letting him in on my dirty little secret. I know that was just in my head, because he never said anything. But even years later, I still feel that guilt for finding pleasure in my own body, and that fear that they’ll somehow find out.

“Are you ready for your first day of work tomorrow?” Andrew asks me as I stir around my plate of peas. I look up at him, surprised. I hadn’t heard a word he had been saying.

I pause a little too long before responding.

“Are you alright?” Colleen asks, concern on her face. She cocks her head to the side in question. I can’t help but be reminded of an energetic puppy hoping to be taken outside for a walk.

“I’m fine,” I say to them, continuing to look at my peas. “I’m just a little nervous. I’ve never had a real job before.”

This isn’t a complete and total lie. I’m nervous, but it’s more about them finding out what I was up to while they were still at the church. Even the thought of lying to them about what’s going through my head makes me sick to my stomach.

“I’m sure you’ll do fine,” Andrew says, finishing up his dinner, but obviously not his thoughts. He still looks like he wants to say something further. He gives Colleen a look and she nods her head, encouraging him.

“There was something that we wanted to talk to you about, Grace.”

I look up at his voice and wonder exactly what this could be about. I put down my fork and give them my full attention.

“What is it? Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong,” Andrew says. He gives Colleen another look and this time, the shared exchange of glances between them is even more obvious.

“We wanted to talk to you about the fact that tomorrow you’ll be in an environment unlike the one you’ve been exposed to in the last few years.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, wondering exactly where this conversation is leading.

“I mean, you’ll be in an environment with men. Young men and older men. Men who are your superiors and men who are your equals. We just want you to be careful around these men. They could lead you into temptation. It’s best for you to wait for the right person.”

Andrew says all of this matter-of-factly, lacing his fingers together on the table.

“But how can I just sit and wait for the right person? Isn’t this a good thing that I’ll be around someone who might be that person?” I ask, not fully understanding where they’re coming from.

There had been times in the past where I would meet a boy and think that he was potentially the one. But Andrew and Colleen had never agreed. They had always found something wrong with any of the boys that I had feelings for, and hadn’t let me date him because they’d said it wasn’t God’s will. He was never the right guy for me. Their constant advice had been for me to wait. And it’s all I’ve been doing ever since I moved in, and a big part of why I want to move out.

“All we’re saying is that God will send you the right man. So, keep waiting for him. Temptation will only get you somewhere you don’t want to go.” Andrew gets up from the table, picks up his dishes and takes them into the kitchen. Colleen follows a few minutes later.

The discussion is over. In fact, most discussions with them feel like lectures. I already had to listen to a sermon at church and now it takes everything in me to sit patiently through this one.

I know they mean well, but I can’t help but question their intentions sometimes. However, in this case, they might be right. If even the guy in a car beside me can cause me temptation to such a degree, imagine what a real live man at my new job could bring out of me. It’s a scary thought, so I just nod and say, “Thank you for the advice. I appreciate it.”

Of course, I don’t voice my related thought. And I sure hope I can follow it.