I find myself staring at my computer screen, unable to focus on the emails trickling into my inbox. I almost don’t even recall how I ended up at work this morning. The night before was nothing but restless sleep. Endless tossing and turning that lead to more hours staring at the ceiling then in actual sleep.

Grace constantly floats through my mind, my desire for her taking over everything I do. She’s like a fucking drug that I just can’t quit. And one that I don’t want to.

A knock at the door startles me and I shuffle things around to make it look like I hadn’t been sitting here doing nothing for the last hour.

“Come in,” I say, looking toward my computer and opening the first of many emails. It’s all nothing but nonsense from my employees about issues needing my help to resolve. They all seem to small in comparison to the weight around my fucking heart.

My new assistant, Oliver, walks in and gives me a nervous look. I can barely look at him. All I want is for this young man to be Grace. For her to walk into this office and tell me all the things I want and need to hear from her. All the things I should be telling her. And yet…

“Pardon me, Mr. Ashdown,” Oliver says, holding several folders in his hands. “Your 10 o’clock appointment is here.”

“Thank you, Oliver,” I say, sighing heavily. “I’ll be out in a minute.”

He closes the door after a quick glance back at me and I can’t help but pity the poor kid. He’s not going to have a very friendly boss if things keep going as they are.

Sitting in the meeting with my partners and a potential new client, I can’t keep my brain focused on anything but Grace. I know how important this meeting is and I know what it will do for the firm if we get this client on board. He has a large company that rivals Damien’s entities.

I know all of that and then some and yet I still can’t get Grace out of my mind. I manage to make it through the meeting somehow, and afterwards, without contributing much of anything to what anyone is saying, I leave and head back to my office. Oliver stops me in my tracks.

“Your wife called, Mr. Ashdown,” Oliver says, looking up at me over his desk.

“I believe, you mean, my ex-wife,” I say and I give him a look that sends him scurrying into himself. He nods his head at me and stares back at his computer. “Did you want me to…”

“Yes, fine. Put her through in a minute.”

Oliver looks at me, anxiety radiating through him. I can’t help but think that he won’t be able to survive in this environment for very long. “She’s on line 2,” Oliver says, and goes back to staring at this computer screen.

“Thank you, Oliver,” I say, in the nicest tone possible and give him a strained smile. Whether or not I just sealed my fate of being without another assistant, I don’t care. The last thing I want to do is speak to Shelley.

I walk into my office and stare at the blinking light on my office phone. I take a few moments to gather myself before I answer it.

“Boyd Ashdown,”

“Hi, Boyd,” Shelley says.

“Shelley, I thought I told you not to call me at the office anymore,” I say, thinking back to all the hours we’d spent on the phone at work whenever we each had a spare moment to talk. Now, the memories feel sour.

“I know, Boyd,” Shelley says, her tone sweet. “But I needed to talk to you.”

“What could you possibly need to talk to me about?” I say, not wanting to relive the moment when I confronted her about her infidelities, yet also knowing that that’s exactly where this conversation is going. “Your latest relationship crumble yet? That’s par for the course with you.”

She doesn’t say anything for a moment and I know I’ve hurt her feelings. But I truly don’t care. She never cared about how I felt. Why should she start now?

“Okay, I deserve that,” she says, meekly.

“What do you want, Shelley?”

“I just wanted to tell you that I know I made a huge mistake with Mark. It never should have happened. And I know I made things hard for you at work considering…”

“Considering the fact that you screwed my law partner?” I say, my fingers tightening on the phone cord. “And you both constantly rubbed it in my face?”

It was the reason I had needed to leave the firm and the state, and decided to merge my lucrative practice with this one. I just couldn’t stand to be around either of them.

“Yes, and I’m sorry for that...I just…”

“You just what? I’ll ask again. What do you want, Shelley?”

“Fine, I just wanted to tell you that I’m no longer with Mark and that the reason I’m calling is…”

“You want us to get back together?” I say, sitting down in my chair, unable to comprehend exactly what I’m hearing.

“Well, yeah,” Shelley, says, her voice small.

“You know, for months after you left me, I would have given anything for you to say the things you’re saying right now. I would have gone back to you in a heartbeat, regardless of what happened. Because I’m an idiot and I would have rather been with someone who hurt me over and over again than be alone. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be in a good relationship with someone who actually valued me as a person,” I tell her.

It feels good to get it all out.

“But you know what?” I continue, unable to stop now that I’ve started giving her a fucking piece of my mind. “That’s not true anymore and I know for a fact that I deserve better than what you’ve given me. And you have no idea how much pleasure it’s giving me to tell you that it’s not going to happen. Goodbye, Shelley.”

I hang up the phone before she gets a chance to speak. Just the mere act of slamming down the phone leaves me feeling satisfied. I know what I have to do now.

I duck my head out of my office door and get Oliver’s attention.

“Next time my ex-wife calls, block her number,” I say, with a smile on my face. “Also, I’m taking the rest of the day off. Hold all my calls,” I say, heading back into my office to gather my things. I come back out a few minutes later and pass Oliver’s desk.

“You’re doing great, by the way, Oliver.” Oliver manages to smile sheepishly back at me.

I head towards the elevators with a new attitude, not knowing how to wipe the fucking smile off my face even if I wanted to. I know that I could be risking everything to be with Grace but I know in my heart that it’s the right thing to do.

Grace is the only woman I had ever met that made me forget about how awful things ended with Shelley. She was the only one who made me realize how selfish Shelley was and how she only gave when she could ensure she would get something in return.

Grace is giving and loving and caring and most of all, she doesn’t expect anything in return. She’s everything Shelley wasn’t and clearly still continues to be. This started off just the same as one of my many prior flings but it became something very different. Grace is the one that I want to spend my life with. Her and only her.

I’m just about to enter the elevator when I’m stopped by Tim. He steps into the elevator with me.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Tim asks, hitting nearly every button on the floor panel.

“What do you think you’re doing?” I ask, indicating multiple lit floors. “We’ll be here forever.” I’m anxious enough as it is and I can’t handle Tim’s stalling tactics.

“Good, that will give us a chance to talk,” Tim says, crossing his arms. “You’re not going after her, are you? I heard what you told your assistant back there.”

“I have to, Tim,” I say, turning to him. “I need her in my life.”
“Even if it means risking everything? This could have major blowback on the firm. On us! Is that what you want?”

“She’s worth the risk, Tim,” I say, simply and he just gives me a dejected look. He’s fighting a losing battle. I just hope that I’m not doing the same.

“There’s nothing I can say that will change your mind?” Tim asks, his eyes pleading.

“Nothing. You’ll just have to hope it works out the same for me as it did for some of the other guys here. You were quick to condemn me even though they have everything they ever wanted now, just because they did the same thing I’m doing now. They went after the women they loved.”

“Then, I wish you luck,” Tim says, surprising me. He puts a hand on my shoulder and gets out on the next floor. “You’re right. If it worked for them, it could work for you. It’s unfair of me to take such a negative outlook when we have examples of it turning into something good and permanent. I hope you get what you want. You deserve some happiness. Merry Christmas. See you at the office Christmas party?”

“Merry Christmas, Tim. Perhaps.”

I smile at him as the doors close, feeling relieved and confident in the outcome of my endeavor.