Chapter 32 - Harper

The door opens and Zach pulls away from me. I extract myself from the warmth of his arms and he goes back to his chair. We look at the doctor expectantly as he closes the door, holding a clipboard in his hand.

Doctor MacDonald turns to us and holds his arms out by his sides, palms facing us. He smiles.

“Congratulations!”

I frown, and glance at Zach. He looks from Doctor MacDonald to me and then back to the doctor.

Doctor Mac looks at me, beaming. “You’re expecting!”

“Expecting what?” I ask. My brain can’t process his words. I know what they mean, but I can’t make any sense of it. Expecting?

“Expecting a child,” he explains. “You’re pregnant! Congratulations! What a perfect couple for it as well. Beautiful child, I’m sure.” He sits down in front of his computer and starts typing something. “We’ll have to get you in for a checkup in the next couple weeks. Wonderful!”

The air rushes around my ears and I feel like I’m going to fall over. I turn towards the doctor and the paper under me crinkles and crunches.

“That’s not possible,” I say. My breath is short and my voice sounds strained, even to my ears. I don’t have the nerve to look at Zach right now. I can hardly look at the doctor. I just keep repeating: “That’s not possible.”

Doctor MacDonald looks at me. I can’t say anything else, so I just repeat myself one more time. “That’s not possible.” My throat is closing and the edges of my vision are going blotchy and dark.

“It is possible, and it’s true,” Doctor MacDonald says. “About three to four weeks, I’d say.”

I do mental calculations. Three to four weeks… my jaw drops and I finally turn my head towards Zach. The Christmas party!

Zach’s face is as white as a sheet. He’s gripping the armrests and staring at Doctor MacDonald. He sees me turn towards him and lifts his eyes towards me. I can’t read them, they’re dark and cloudy. My voice is stuck in my throat and I don’t know what to say. He stays silent.

“Oh my God,” I breathe as I bring a hand up to my forehead. Should I be happy about this? This is all I wanted for years, but now… Is Zach happy?? He doesn’t look happy. He hasn’t said anything.

Everything from the past few weeks rushes back towards me. The nausea, the cravings, the tiredness, the swollen fingers. I’ve been pregnant this whole time!

Doctor MacDonald is saying a thousand and one things and thrusting pamphlets into my hands. I take them but all I can hear is the gargled sound of his voice. It sounds like he’s speaking to me under water, I can’t make out anything he says. I try to focus, try to think. I’m sure it’s important, but all I can think of is the last time I went to the doctor.

One in ten million.

Infertile.

Might as well be impossible.

Consider adoption.

Finally I look at Doctor MacDonald and interrupt him. “I’m infertile! This isn’t possible.”

He pauses, and tilts his head to the side. His eyes soften and he nods slowly. “It would appear the last doctor you went to made a mistake. Some people call them miracle babies.”

“Miracle babies,” I repeat. I glance at Zach, who’s still as pale as a ghost and staring at the ground between his feet. He hasn’t said a word. My heart starts thumping and I feel the panic welling up inside me.

Finally, the doctor says a few more unintelligible things and ushers us out the door. I walk out in a daze, making my way outside with Zach. He hasn’t spoken and he won’t look at me. I put a hand over my stomach and feel a flutter in my chest.

Miracle baby.

Suddenly the shock dissipates and I my heart starts beating with something new. I’m pregnant! I’m pregnant! I’m going to have a child!!

Zach unlocks his car and I slide into the passenger’s seat. He puts the key in the ignition but doesn’t start the car. I take a deep breath.

“Zach, listen, I…” I pause. “I was told before that it was impossible for me to have children. If you don’t want to be a part of the kid’s life, I understand. I’m willing to take care of it on my own. This wasn’t something you planned for. Neither of us could have.”

His head turns slowly around towards me. His eyes are blazing and he opens his mouth. I shy away from him, leaning back towards the car door. This isn’t the caring man who was holding me in his arms just minutes ago.

“You…” he pauses and licks his lips. His eyes are dark and stormy and unreadable. “You’re going to keep it?”

My stomach drops and my heart beats in my suddenly hollow chest. My eyes prickle and the anger flares up inside me. Am I going to keep it!?!?! Of COURSE I’m going to fucking keep it!!!

“Yes.”

He stares at me for a few moments before nodding. He turns towards the steering wheel and turns the car on.

“I should probably take you home, then?”

His words pierce my chest like a hot dagger. He wants nothing to do with me. He just wants to get rid of me as soon as possible.

“Yeah,” is the only response I can manage. I stare out the window as he starts driving, trying to choke back tears. Ten minutes ago he was telling me he would take care of me no matter what, and now he’s dumping me off back home like I’m some sort of inconvenience. I get that this is unexpected, but does he have to be so cold?! He won’t even look at me!

A tear rolls down my cheek and I brush it away quickly. It feels like a hand is squeezing my chest and I can hardly breathe. We drive in silence, staring out the window. The tortuous drive to my house finally ends as he pulls up in front of my apartment building.

“Thanks,” I say. I turn towards him, wanting him to say something. I want him to say that it’ll be ok, that we’ll figure it out. I don’t need him to marry me or stay with me or even be part of the baby’s life but I do need to feel like he doesn’t hate me all of a sudden.

“No problem,” he says. He keeps staring straight ahead and doesn’t look at me. The dagger in my chest twists and my vision goes blurry as the tears fill my eyes. I scratch at the door for the handle and stumble out of the car. As soon as I close the door, he’s speeding off down the street.

I watch the car turn off and I break down. The tears come hot and fast, and my sobs shake through my entire body. I stumble into my building and crawl up the stairs. I’m crying so hard can’t see anything in front of me. My breath is ragged and I gulp in the air in between sobs. I struggle to unlock my door and finally push my way in, closing it behind me and collapsing onto the floor.

I cry and cry and cry, hugging my arms to my stomach. I’m alone now. Zach never cared about me at all. It was all just a fling, just a bit of fun to him. He was just telling me what I wanted to hear. The torrent of emotion inside me is like a hurricane.

When it quiets down all that’s left are two words burned into my mind’s eye: I’m alone. The tears are still streaming down my face but I force myself to stand up.

“It’s just the two of us now,” I whisper to my belly. “I’ll take care of you.”

I take a deep breath and head towards the bathroom. Bath, ice cream, and movies. Maybe Rosie will come over and she can help me figure out my life from there.