Chapter 11 - Valerie
It’s a mix of excitement, nervousness, and embarrassment when I lie back in bed with my new toy. I don’t even know why I’m embarrassed, there’s no one else here.
I’ve taken off my clothes and turned the lights off. I get under the covers and then change my mind and lie down on top of my duvet. I grab my new vibrator and feel the smoothness of the silicon shaft. I turn it on to the lowest setting and feel the vibrations in my hand, sensing how they travel up my arm.
Here goes nothing, I think to myself.
Slowly, gingerly, I move the vibrator down to my mound. I put it down on my clit but I jump back right away.
It’s way too intense, even at the lowest setting.
I move the vibrator back towards my skin, starting at the top of my mound and moving from one side of my slit to the other, staying on top of my lips. The vibrations travel through me and I close my eyes, exploring the sensation in every part of my body. It’s different, but not unpleasant. I move the vibe closer to my slit and feel my legs fall open. I move it lightly all over my slit and now I understand. The vibrations travel deep into my centre and the warmth grows inside me.
This is intense, in a good way.
I lay back, relaxing as much as possible as I close my eyes. My free hand moves to my breast, massaging it gently as the vibrator makes slow circles. My thoughts flick to yesterday, to the way Doctor O’Neill smelled and how it felt to have his hands on my abdomen. I imagine what he must look like under his clothes, trim and muscular and strong. I know I shouldn’t think of him but I can’t help it.
He filled me with a desire I didn’t know I had. I want to taste his lips and feel his skin against mine. I want his hands against my bare body, undressing me, pulling me into him. I felt the heat of his hands yesterday and I know they would be fire on me. He could bend me over, throw me around with that hard, muscular body of his.
I turn the vibrations up as I think of him touching me, teasing me. The pleasure grows in my centre in a way I’ve never experienced and I sink deeper into it, imagining my doctor pushing me down on his examination table and spreading my legs.
I’ve never felt immediate, raw desire the way I did yesterday and I want to feel it again. He’s touching my ass, pressing himself against me until his scent fills my nostrils. I slip the vibrator inside me and imagine it’s him, and my pussy contracts around it. Around his cock.
I can feel my orgasm budding. I breathe deeply, imagining the doctor’s hands running from my waist to my ass and then up to my shoulders as he pushes himself inside me. I can almost feel him, feel the heat of his cock inside me and the weight of his body on top of me.
It’s something I didn’t know I wanted and now I can’t stop thinking about it. The warmth inside me grows as the vibrations get more intense, circling around my clit and through my slick wetness.
I want this, I want my first orgasm to make my legs shake and I feel my heart beat faster. I’m imagining the doctor all over me, inside me, around me and I feel the warmth grow into a burning heat in my centre.
I’m on the edge and I move faster, breathing hard as I run the toy over and back over my bud. It’s so close, I can feel it as I’m about to tip over the edge and feel it roar through me.
And then.
And then.
Gone.
In an instant the heat dissipates and I feel empty. I open my eyes and bite my lip, trying for a few moments to get that feeling back. I move the toy over my most sensitive spot but the vibrations are too intense now and I have to stop. My bud feels almost raw but I feel like a piece of me is missing. I turn off my toy and let it fall to my side.
I feel the tears pricking at the corner of my eyes as I stare once again at the ceiling.
It was there! I felt it, so close, teetering on the edge of my first orgasm and once again it slipped through my fingers. I feel a teardrop slip out of my eye and onto the pillow and all of a sudden I’m sobbing.
I can’t stand this!
To be so close, to embarrass myself in front of the sexiest man I’ve ever seen and then think of him when I try to come. And for what, for nothing! I went through all that embarrassment, that shame, and I couldn’t even finish the job. My cheeks burn. My chest heaves and tears pour out of my eyes as the sobs rock from my stomach through my chest and the pain sears through me.
I grab the vibrator beside me and look at it in disgust. I can hardly see it, my eyes are that blurry from the tears. My heart feels like it’s fallen into my stomach and my frustration bubbles up through me. I want to scream.
I’m sick of feeling like this, of feeling inadequate and incomplete. I raise my arm and hurl the stupid thing across the room. It hits the wall with a loud thud and falls to the ground. The impact against the wall turned it on again and I hear it buzzing loudly all over the floor, hopping around and taunting me and my inadequacies.
I listen to it for a few moments as I cry a bit harder. My shoulders shake and I let myself feel the full weight of my failure.
Finally the anger inside me subsides and with a deep breath I swing my legs over the side of the bed and try to stop my sobs. Slow, ragged breaths drag through me as I get up and pick up my vibe. I turn it off and gently place it on my nightstand before sitting down on the edge of my bed.
I’m lost and alone. I don’t know what to do. I could live without orgasms for a long time but now it seems I’ve reached my breaking point, like a piece of me is missing. I don’t even know what that piece is.