…but words will never hurt me.
Throw a stone at my body and the bone will mend, the cut will heal, and the bruise will fade, but words…words are more powerful than any bomb, any rifle, any punch. Words sign peace treaties, words aide negotiations, and help us express our emotions. Words can lift someone up or tear them down in a second.
…but words will never hurt me.
If that’s the case why am I in so much pain? Why is anguish exploding in my chest as my heart tears itself apart? His words were unbearable, laced with grief, anger, and guilt. No weapon could hurt me quite like his story did. I knew Caleb was going through some stuff with the death of his sister and his mother. I thought it was a little strange he was still going through it a decade after it happened, but I let it go.
I had no idea.
I had absolutely no idea.
Images of a baby-faced Caleb, slipping in his mother’s blood as he begged her not to leave him will haunt me forever. It makes me want to hold my own mother close and tell her I love her despite our differences.
“How did you deal with that?” I ask, rubbing my hand over his back.
Caleb avoids my eyes and fidgets with a pamphlet on smoking, tearing the corners in half. “I didn’t.”
I swallow. That explains a lot. “Caleb…”
“You two came with the girl who overdosed? Fiona?”
Caleb and I shoot to our feet as a nurse with a black clipboard strolls over to us. She scratches her hair line with the end of her pen and checks her watch. How does she know Fiona’s name?
Caleb clears his throat. “Yes.”
The woman’s tight, black curls bounce as she nods her head at the notes she holds in her hand. Her golden eyes glow and her lips pull into a tight smile.
“Your friend—is she your friend?”
I nod, quickly. “She’s our friend.”
The nurse writes Fiona’s name along the top of the sheet. “Well, Fiona is going to be okay. She’s unconscious for the moment, but should wake up sometime before morning.”
“Can I see her?”
Her glowing eyes dull and I take notice of the light spattering of freckles across her nose. “At this time we’re only willing to allow immediate family members into her room. Friends can see her after we follow protocol and the police have been alerted of the overdose.”
I clench the rosary in my hand. “Why would the police be alerted?”
“Well, we tend to alert the police if we suspect the patient has been poisoned or we’ve treated the patient for overdosing on drugs previously.”
Dread punches me in my gut. “And which one is she?”
“There are a lot of different kinds of drugs in her system…but there is no evidence that she was poisoned.” The nurse kisses her teeth. “This isn’t the first time this hospital has treated Ms. Lowe for drug abuse.”
I frown. Isn’t the first time? There’s no way she’d purposely overdose. Would she? Maybe it was an accident? Maybe she lost track of what she’d taken? Caleb slips his hand into mine. What do we do now?
“Her emergency contact has been called. There’s really no need for either of you to be here until visiting hours commence in the morning.”
“We want to be here when she wakes up.” I point out. “We’re not leaving her alone.”
Tired lines spring up on the nurse’s face and she rubs at her forehead. How many times has she dealt with this tonight? “Her mother will be here when she wakes up. Fiona won’t know you’re here until visiting hours.”
“But I…” I purse my lips.
I should beg. Will begging work? I can turn on the tears and sob like no tomorrow if I have to. She looks at me, her face indifferent. There’s no convincing her otherwise.
“Sorry.” She says.
“That’s it?”
Caleb smooths the pad of his thumb over the back of my hand and the nurse nods. “That’s it.”
I open my mouth, but the nurse whips around and walks off, disappearing down the hall and around a corner. That’s it. I slump my shoulders. I really wanted to see her.
I let Caleb escort me out of the emergency room and into the parking lot. The air is cooler than it was before…or maybe I can feel it now I’m paying attention to it. I glance toward the entrance of the lot. It’s dead quiet. Soon though, my dad is going to tear through there in his SUV wanting vengeance. I hug myself as Caleb leans against a concrete pillar. The gentle breeze blows my hair into my face and Caleb smiles as I tuck it behind my ear.
“She’s going to be okay, Cass. You can relax now.” He reaches out, pinches my dress between his fingers and tugs me close.
I wrap my arms around his waist.
Despite the frustration and the sadness swirling in my stomach, happiness still lingers.
Because of him.
Because he loves me.
“You’re right.” I lean into him, resting the side of my face against his chest. “Fiona is going to be okay and that’s all that matters.”
He strokes my hair while I listen to the sound of his heart beating so perfectly under my ear. It’s a heart that has gone through so much pain, but it still manages to pump so smoothly. I breathe him in, amazed by how much comfort the feel of his body brings me. This is what I should’ve been chasing from the beginning.
Love.
Not casual sex.
“I love you.” I say, squeezing lightly.
The thought of going home without him makes me uncomfortable. I want to be with him. I should be with him. Caleb plants a kiss on the top of my head and I tilt my head back to look at his face.
“That’s the look I was hoping to avoid.” He states with a hard swallow.
He looks away, but I catch his cheek in the palm of my hand and pull him back.
“What look?”
“Pity.”
I frown. “Pity?”
“Yes. Pity…I hate it. It makes me feel…” He chuckles darkly under his breath and pulls his face from my hand. “I don’t like it.”
“I don’t pity you.” Our eyes lock and my belly flips. “I pity the little boy who lost a sister and found his mother in a pool of her own blood. Through that pity, I’ve developed an understanding for the man you are today. The look you see on my face is understanding and appreciation, Caleb. Not pity.”
His hands glide over my hips as he moves his hands to the small of my back, splaying his finger over the curve of my backside. A smile pulls at my lips as he drags the pads of his fingers back and forth, searching for the hem of my underwear.
“Did you lose something?” He asks, holding me tight against his hard body.
Heat exudes from his skin and seeps through the fabric of his clothes, threatening to reduce me to a puddle of goo. Do my smarts count? Because I’ve definitely lost that.
“They’re on your floor.” I murmur, dropping my gaze to his lips.
“Where they belong.” The corners of his mouth pull into a smirk.
He inches closer and runs the tip of his tongue against his lower lip. God. I want to kiss him. I want to sit on his face until his mouth is forever imprinted on my vagina.
Caleb cranes his neck a little, bringing his mouth to mine. My breath catches in my throat and my heart races, sending searing heat through my veins. Our lips graze, but neither of us push for the kiss. Instead, we let it linger, our foreheads touching, and revel in our basket case of feelings.
“Thank you.” I whisper, sliding my hands over his chest.
“For what?”
“For opening up to me—and not because you had to, but because you wanted to. Words cannot express how much that means to me.”
He snaps forward with a harsh kiss and I melt into it, only to be pulled apart by the loud sound of a man clearing his throat. Caleb’s body tightens and my heart drops into my shoes.
Dad.
I snap away from and smooth my palms down the front of my dress before I turn around and I’m met with my father’s glare. His jaw is tight, his dark irises nestled behind two thin, angry slits. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I thought I’d be brave. I thought I’d be able to tell him how it is…but the words don’t come. They’re trapped in my chest at the sight of his obvious aggression.
I’ve fucked up.
“Don’t act like you didn’t know, Marcus.” Caleb snaps, pushing off the pillar. “We were under your nose the whole time.”
Dad strides forward, his finger pointed at Caleb.
“Stay away from my daughter.” He growls, baring his teeth.
I step closer to Dad, my arms outstretched, my palms exposed. If someone asked me if I could see my father violently attacking someone I’d immediately say no, but in this moment…I’m not so sure.
“Or what?” Caleb laughs. “You have no idea what I’ve done to your daughter—what we’ve done to each other.”
“Caleb.” I hiss, scowling at him from over my shoulder.
Is he trying to make this harder for me? I can see it on his face, the pleasure he gets from antagonizing my father. It’s sick.
A wicked grin pulls at Caleb’s lips and he takes a step closer. “Don’t be surprised if she drops a bastard grandchild on your doorstep.”
Dad gasps, turning his glare from Caleb and onto me. I hug myself.
“Relax.” I tell him, glancing over the parking lot. “I’ve taken precautions.”
Granted, I take it after the fact, but it’s better than nothing.
“Get in the car.”
I flinch at the cold, calm tone of Dad’s voice. I’ve never heard it sound so…dark. It’s painful to hear—painful to watch—but it’s the last push I need to completely detach myself. His life would be better without me in it. All of the stress he creates within himself…it’s not healthy. Leaving my parents will save their lives. It’d save my life. None of us can live like this. It’s time I sort my life out—have something for myself. Dipping my head, I walk towards Dad and step around him.
“Call me if you need me, Cass.” Caleb calls out and I stop. “I’ll come get you.”
I glance over my shoulder. Caleb’s stare doesn’t leave my father’s face.
“Get in the car!” Dad booms, shoving me.
I jolt forward and lower my head again.
“Relax, asshole.” Caleb snaps, but this time I don’t look back.
Angry tears prick at my eyes. I push my tongue against the roof of my mouth to stop them from falling. I know I bounce back and forth with my decisions. Once second I’m all for leaving and then the next I’m sympathizing for my parents, but the penny has dropped. I can’t live like this. I’m turning twenty in a month.
Not two.
Not twelve.
Twenty.
I need space to experience life the way I want to experience it. They might have been able to keep me from Caleb before, but not now I’m in love with him. I would break their hearts over and over and over just to feel mine race the way it does when I’m with him.
I’ll go home with Dad now, but I’m not staying the night. I’ll grab my things and come back to the hospital. Fiona is leaving for New York in thirteen days. I have two more days to decide if I want to make the road trip with her and her buddy Lukkah. Maybe I can convince Caleb to come with us…I love him, but I can’t stay in Paradise Valley.
Not if I want to start fresh.
He’ll come with me.
I know he will.
****
His rough hand connects with my face with a harsh burn and I’m tossed to the floor. I squeeze my eyes shut and clench my jaw as fire spreads underneath my skin.
“Marcus!” Mom shrieks, clasping her hands over her mouth.
What, did she expect him to smile and laugh? I told him to go fuck himself. Of course he’s going to smack me in the mouth. I open my eyes and glare at Mom. He hits me in the face and she still can’t bring herself to contest him. Weak.
“We’ve tried everything, Linda! Everything!” He shouts, shrugging out of his black suit jacket and tossing it to the floor. “She’s left me with no choice. Rules don’t work! We’re going to have to slap the slut out of her.”
I soothe my lip with the cool back of my hand. “Slap the slut out of me? Do you even hear yourself? You’re fucking insane!”
His nostrils flare, his eyes widening with rage. I clench my jaw, desperately trying to keep my lips from trembling. I don’t want to cry…
…and I won’t.
I breathe through my nose, quick and shallow. I hate him.
He lifts his large hand and I flinch.
“Mark…” Mom chokes out, pressing a tissue to her lips.
Dad swallows, his lips parting to bare his teeth. He’s disgusted with me. More disgusted than he has ever been.
“Go to your room.” He seethes, lowering his hand. “I don’t want to look at you. You make me sick.”
A whimper seeps out, despite my efforts to stop it and I scurry to my feet. Without a glance over my shoulder, I flee up the stairs. Tears fall as I run. They’re hot and angry on my cheeks. This is good, I think to myself. This makes it easier to let go.
I storm into my room and slam the door. Downstairs, Dad yells at Mom.
“I wanted one good night, Linda! One! It’s not a fucking crime to want to enjoy myself for once! For twenty years she has stressed me out!! Twenty! Children are supposed to bring you joy! They’re supposed to make you proud. What has our daughter achieved? Hm? All she does is spread her legs. That’s her great contribution to mankind!”
I grit my teeth in the silence. How can I contribute to mankind if I’m not even allowed to walk the block? In what universe does my father make any sense? I’ve been boxed in my entire life. How am I supposed to grow when my roots are bigger than my pot?
“If I’d known this is how our daughter would turn out…I would have forgone having children altogether.”
I wince. His slap to the face hurt less.
I push off my door and storm across the room. I cannot believe this is happening to me at twenty. I feel fifteen. I feel like a child, not a woman. I can’t have a computer? A phone? What kind of messed up shit is that? Bending low, I pull open my bedside table and grab my phone. The yelling downstairs continues, but it’s muffled as they move into the kitchen. Mom is probably making Dad a sandwich. Nothing calms him down like a ham, cheese, and pickle sandwich. Where the hell is my sandwich? Where’s a fucking icepack for my lip? I run my tongue over the lump that sits on the side of my mouth and wince as my saliva mixes with a small split in the skin. The coppery taste of blood spreads over my tongue. He split my lip? He actually split my lip…
I inhale and hold it as I scroll to Caleb’s name and hit the message icon. I don’t exhale until I’ve completed the text and sent it off.
Are you alone?
C.
He responds immediately.
Until morning.
Relief floods me. Nobody makes me feel normal quite like Caleb does. You see, things that I’d call a problem aren’t a problem at all for him. He takes a difficult, clouded situation and makes it transparent, allowing me to think clearly. I need that. I also need to fill my tank. Caleb gives me comfort…and I need that more than anything.
Can I see you?
C.
I tap my phone against my thigh, waiting for his response. Two minutes pass before my phone buzzes. To be honest, I’m surprised it’s only been two minutes. It felt like forever.
Like you have to ask. You need me to come get you?
As much as I’d love to see my parents face as I walk out the front door with a bag over my shoulder and climb into Caleb’s car, it’s not worth the headache. Instead, I’ll leave a note and climb down my balcony. The coward’s way out.
No. I could use the fresh air. See you soon. X
C.