Chloe
My eyes feel like there’s sand in them; that’s what I get for falling asleep with my contacts in. The sun is shining brightly into my bedroom, which normally doesn’t happen until the late afternoon. I fling my blankets back and gingerly sit up. It takes me a minute before I’ve got my wits about me, and I stand up. I feel a warm tiny gush, and then I remember what happened.
With tears leaking from my eyes, I step across the hall into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I use the toilet and take the soiled pad out of my panties. They told me I’d bleed, but dammit I just wanted it to magically be over so I could try to forget any of this ever happened. It hurts too much to think about.
I start the shower, and while it gets hot, I brush my teeth because it feels like I have a layer of scum on them. I do the whole mouthwash and floss thing and then strip out of my pajamas. When I step into the shower, the hot water feels good all over my sore, tired body.
I wash and condition my hair and then scrub my body clean. Running the soapy washcloth over my stomach, I freeze. The tiny little pooch I had is gone. A sob tears from my throat as I drop to my knees. Why? I just want someone to tell me why I lost my baby.
What I wouldn’t give to have been able to see her alive. To hold her in my arms and smell her sweet baby scent. The tears slow, but the emptiness I feel is crushing.
The water shuts off, and my head jerks up to find Joe standing there with a towel, concern written all over his face. He doesn’t say anything—he just wraps the towel around me and then stands me up, hugging me to his chest before he proceeds to dry me off. He grabs one of my pads and leads me back into my room. He grabs me panties, sweats, and a t-shirt.
“Get dressed, babe. I’ll be right back.” He steps into the bathroom while I quickly put the pad in my panties and then slip them on. I’m just slipping my t-shirt on when he comes back into my room with a hairbrush. “Come with me.” Joe grabs my hand, leads me out into my living room, and sits me on my ottoman with my back to him.
Slowly he starts to use the brush to work out the tangles. When he’s done brushing it, he surprises me when he braids it, and quickly. “Where did you learn to braid?”
“Between my baby sister and niece, I’ve become quite proficient in braids, ponytails, and buns. Are you hungry?” I shake my head. “Let’s at least get you something small. You haven’t had anything. You were asleep for a long time.”
That’s when I look at the clock and see that I slept about five hours. “I’m not hungry. You can leave now. I don’t need you here.” This isn’t like me, but I can’t help the venom that spews from my mouth. “Get out.” I shove him, but he doesn’t budge.
“I’m not leaving you.”
“You didn’t want her, and now I can’t have her.” I know my accusatory tone is uncalled for, but it’s like I don’t have control of my mouth. It’s not connected to my brain. “You’re off the hook. You got what you wanted.” I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth. Joe looks like I’ve slapped him. He’s so hurt right now.
I open my mouth to apologize, but his hand slashes through the air. “I don’t want to hear anything else you have to say.” He leans in close. “You don’t know shit.”
Before I register what’s happened, he disappears down the hall and returns with his bag and then my front door is slamming shut and headlights shine into my living room. My feet become unglued, and I run to the door, throwing it open. By the time I reach my driveway, he’s flying down the street.
Guilt, shame, and regret fill me as I head back inside. I grab my phone and call him. It goes straight to voicemail. “Joe, please call me. I need to know you’re okay. I am so sorry. That was mean and uncalled for and so not true. I was hurting, and I needed to hurt someone else, and you were the unlucky victim. It’s no excuse.” My voice breaks. “We both lost her. I don’t know you very well, but you just don’t seem like the type of guy who would’ve stayed gone long.” I inhale. “Please call me.”
I dial my parents, and it’s Pops who answers. “Hey, baby girl.”
“D-Daddy. Please come o-over.” My words are broken by tears as I remember the horrid things I said.
“Chloe, what is it, baby? Dad said Joe was with you.”
I tell him that he was, but now I need my pops. He tells me he’s heading out now and will be here soon. He’ll know what to do.
I see his headlights and move toward the door, opening it as he reaches the steps. I rush right into his arms. With his arms around me, he leads me into the house.
***
A week has gone by, and Joe won’t answer or return my calls. I even had Tay Tay try and talk to him for me, but she was rebuffed too. It’s my fault, and I deserve this. This is my punishment.
Physically, I’ve healed up well from the miscarriage. I’m just spotting now, and soon I know it’ll be gone and I’ll be back to normal. My heart and my mind aren’t even close to being healed, though. Truth is…I haven’t been able to stop thinking about Joe. The look on his face haunts me. We both lost something so precious, and I threw it in his face that he got scared. I’m such an awful, horrible bitch.
Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath, clearing my head. I go back to polishing the locket I just got done engraving. It’s for a father from his daughter on her wedding day.
Pain hits my chest when I think about my dad and when he realized the other day that he was still wearing the grandpa pendant I made for his birthday. His face paled, and he yanked it from his neck, shoving it in his pocket.
I’d walked up to him. “You better keep it, because one day you’ll need it.” His face had softened, and his eyes had turned glassy.
I place the locket in the velvet box and shut the lid. “Chloe?” I turn my head and find Hailey standing next to me. Since I came back to work the other day, she’s been surprisingly friendly.
“Yeah?”
She wrings her hands together in front of her. “I’m running across the street to get a coffee. Would you like one?”
“No coffee, but I’ll take an Earl Grey, please.” I grab a five out of my pocket and hand it over to her. “Thanks.”
Hailey takes the money and disappears out the door. Mr. Harmon comes through the doors from the front of the store and sits down next to me. He knows what happened and had sent a lovely bouquet of flowers while I was home recovering. “How’re you doing being back? Do you need anything?”
“I’m good. Glad to be busy. Thank you again for the flowers.”
“You’re welcome, honey. Uh…Hailey knows about your miscarriage. She overheard me talking to your dad. I’m so sorry.” His brow is furrowed and his mouth pinched tight.
That explains the odd behavior. I grab his hands. “It’s okay—I promise. She’s actually been very nice, so maybe you did me a favor.”
“Well, I’m here if you ever need me.” He squeezes my hands before standing up and returning out front.
A few minutes later, Hailey returns and hands me my tea, a little bag, and my change. “In the bag is lemon, sugar, and cream. I wasn’t sure what you liked.”
I give the first genuine smile I think I’ve ever given her, or at least since I first started and before I figured out what a bitch she was. “I like cream and sugar. Thanks again.” After doctoring up my tea, I take a sip.
“My sister lost a baby.” Hailey sits down across from me. “I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I know what it’s like watching someone you love while they’re hurting. My sister belongs to this group. It’s other women who’ve suffered miscarriages, too. They just talk about their feelings and how they deal with stuff.” She pulls a card out of her purse and hands it to me. “That’s where they meet and the days and times. My sister said there’s no pressure, but if you need to talk, they’re all great listeners.”
I don’t even know what to say right now except, “Thank you. I’ll seriously consider it.” She gives me a genuine smile before standing up, but I stop her with a hand on her arm. “Does your sister have kids now?”
“She’s got three now. One was before and two were after.” That makes me feel a little better but not much.
“I’ll consider going. Thanks.”
***
I sit in my car, my stomach turning. Why am I scared to go in? I’ve never met a stranger, and it’s always been that way. Now I’m not sure if I can go in or not. I haven’t told my parents, my brother, or Eli that I’m doing this. I didn’t want to get their hopes up if I chickened out and didn’t go.
Taking a deep breath, I climb out and make my way inside. On an easel is a chalkboard, and it says,
Over the Rainbow After Angel Babies.
There are at least ten women sitting in a circle. The one who seems to be the leader spots me and stands up, waving me over.
“Welcome. I’m Elizabeth. How long ago was your loss?”
“T-Two weeks. Hailey sent me.”
Elizabeth smiles at me. “That’s my baby sister. You must be Chloe. She said you might come. Here, come sit by me.”
I do as she says, and my eyes drift around the room. There are women of all ages and races here. They’re all giving me the smile of understanding. My eyes burn, and I rapidly blink back the tears that threaten to spill.
Only a few of the women actually speak today, but that’s because no one tells them to stop. They’re able to speak and work through whatever they need to. The first woman had been just seventeen when she lost her baby. She’d felt guilty for thinking it was a blessing since she was young and single. Now at thirty-five, she’s a mom to three boys, but she still thinks about the baby she lost.
Each story is different but the same, and I’m glad to know that I’m not alone and it’s possible to go on to have healthy, happy babies. Maybe there’s hope for me, too.
After the meeting, everyone leaves but Elizabeth and an African-American woman. “Chloe, this is Reggie. Reggie helped me form this group three years ago.”
I shake her hand. “Nice to meet you, Reggie.”
“You too. Do you have time to have a cup of coffee with us?”
I agree and follow them up to the counter and order myself a vanilla latte. Once I have my beverage in hand, I follow them to a table and sit down. “Tell us about yourself.”
I hate being put on the spot, but I knew this was going to happen when they asked me for coffee. “Well, I’m thirty-one. Single. I’m a jewelry designer at Harmon’s. I also do some designs that I sell on my own. My brother and our best friends are all in a band together. I sing lead vocals and play the piano. My brother is the drummer. Umm…we’re biological brother and sister but were adopted by our dads.” I’ve never and will never hide the fact that I have two dads from anyone.
Reggie leans forward, and I’m worried she’s going to ask me something inappropriate, but instead she surprises me. “Was it hard for you to date as a teenager with two dads and a brother?”
“Oh my gosh, yes. If my dad liked the kid, my pops hated him and vice versa. My brother had the ones he tolerated and the ones he tormented.” They both smile and laugh. They ask to see some of my designs, so I pull up the pictures. Elizabeth coincidentally owns a little boutique by one of the clubs we play at a lot.
“Bring some pieces by and we’ll see if maybe we can’t sell some for you on consignment.”
“Sure, that’d be great. Thanks.” They tell me a little bit about themselves, and then we all head out.
As I drive back toward my place, I feel better than when I left…a little bit.