Kara
Chapter & Verse has been up and running for a couple months now and business is going well. Sawyer and I have been dating since that night at Madison Avenue, and I have to say, I am extremely happy. I’m used to dating losers, so our relationship makes a refreshing change. We haven’t rushed into things blindly, we’re taking things slowly and I really like him.
Liam has become a regular customer and frequently uses one of the iMacs to study in solitude. He’s made the odd comment on how happy he sees me with Sawyer, but something he asked me today has me feeling lost at sea.
“Do you love him?” Liam asked as we talked about my date last night with Sawyer.
“I don’t know,” I replied honestly.
“You don’t know?”
“No, I mean, he’s great and I really like him but…”
I couldn’t finish the sentence. But what, exactly? I like him but…what the hell is stopping me?
“Buuut…?” he strings the word out.
Liam and I have become good friends since he started coming here so often. I’ve found myself able to confide in him. He’s only asked a question that any friend would ask, but it’s rankled me because I don’t know how to answer him.
Liam had left with a wave goodbye, putting his earbuds in and jogging away. I didn’t answer his question, and having had some time alone to think about it, I actually don’t know whether I do love Sawyer or not. That seems bad, considering we’ve been dating for a couple of months, but although he’s a lot of fun and I enjoy the time I spend with him, I guess I see us more casually than I previously thought.
I’m driving home and contemplating how I feel. It’s difficult with questions bombarding me from different directions. Do you love him? What is love, anyway? Shouldn’t you know whether you love him after this long of dating? Do you think he loves you? Is it going to hurt him if you don’t decide soon? Is he in this casually or does he expect more? Why doesn’t anything make sense? What about Reid?
Reid. I haven’t thought about my feelings for him since I started dating Sawyer, but that doesn’t mean I don’t still feel something for him. Why does life have to throw me for a loop? I’m dating a great guy and I should be in love with him and concentrating on a future with him…shouldn’t I? Or have I just buried my feelings for Reid and not actually faced up to them and moved on? God! Why won’t my brain quit hassling me? Stupid goddamn questions.
I pull up in the driveway of the house I still share with Zoey, though not for too much longer. She’s decided to move in with Brock. He asked her to marry him a couple of weeks ago and she’s been in the process of moving her stuff in with him ever since. Or at least she does when she gets a chance. She’s been working long hours this last couple of months. I keep telling her to take it easy. She’s been feeling rundown and sick for the last couple of days and I very nearly didn’t go to work this morning so I could stay home and look after her.
Walking through the front door, I smell an inviting aroma. Someone is cooking up a storm, judging by the delicious scent in the air. I follow my nose to the kitchen and see Sawyer stood at the range cooker. He turns when he hears me place my keys in the bowl on the sideboard. The smile that graces his handsome features makes the butterflies mount an assault in my stomach.
I slowly approach him and he wraps me in a hug. He’s tall enough that my head fits comfortably in the crook of his neck. I nuzzle into him and wrap my arms around his waist. Planting a kiss on top of my head, Sawyer pulls back and holds me at arm’s length.
“You look beautiful,” he whispers as his eyes roam my body.
He knows my body intimately and he’s aware of just what those kind of looks earn him. But this time I just smile and walk round the kitchen island to take a seat.
“Thank you.”
“How was your day?” he asks over his shoulder as he returns to whatever it is he’s cooking.
I gave him a spare key so he could come and go, and it’s nice to occasionally return to him cooking something, knowing I won’t have the energy when I get back and will just throw something in the microwave.
“Good. But tiring. Chapter & Verse seems to be a place where people want to hang out. There are always people in the study room, the parent and baby room is used three days a week, today being one of those days. I think I need to employ some help.”
“That’s a good thing,” he remarks, his voice bursting with pride.
“I know. I honestly thought I was going to be able to do everything myself. But now, well now I’m always shattered at the end of the day. I’m bone-weary. Honestly, I love that place, it’s my pride and joy, but I’ve come to realise I can’t do it all on my own anymore.”
“What about Liam?”
“What about him?” I ask, confused at the change in direction.
“You could offer him a job. He’s never out of there. He knows the place well. You two are good friends, so you know he’s trustworthy. I think it’d be a perfect match.”
Why haven’t I thought that myself before now? I mentally kick myself for not realising sooner how good it would be to have Liam around to help out.
“I’ll ask him tomorrow. I don’t know why it took you to suggest it, he should have been the obvious choice.”
“Well, sometimes you can’t see what’s right under your nose.”
“I guess. What are you cooking? Shall I open some wine?” I ask when his words hit on something unintentionally. Sometimes I really can’t see what’s right under my nose. I need to take a step back and evaluate things. Maybe if Liam does come to work for me I’ll have some more time to think.
***
“You’re seriously offering me a job?” Liam squeals excitedly.
“Yes. Sawyer and I were talking last night and he hit the nail on the head when he suggested I ask you to help out.”
I’m wrapped in a hug, picked up in the air and twirled around, then set on my feet before I get an answer.
“Yes. Unequivocally yes!”
Liam is bouncing on the balls of his feet with a mega-watt smile on his face.
“That’s settled then. We’ll talk shifts and stuff next week. Can you start on Monday? That gives me the weekend to think about how many days a week I’ll need you.”
“Sounds great. I’m looking forward to it. I’ve actually had some ideas about an author you could get in for a signing. I’ve been reading her stuff for a while, and if we can contact her agent, then maybe we can get her here.”
“Who?” I ask, intrigued. I love book signings, and we’ve had a couple since we opened. Each was a resounding success.
“Her name is T.H. Moore. She writes romance novels, and let me tell you, she can really write some steamy sex scenes. Not that that should be an endorsement of why we should ask her, I just mean, boy oh boy does she write some smut and I love it.”
I look at the evident excitement in his eyes and I don’t want to say no to him.
“What genre does she write?”
“Mostly M/M romance, but there’s some M/F stuff too. She’s really well known if you’re into gay romance stories.”
“T.H. Moore, you say?”
I pull my phone out of my pocket and Google her.
“Yeah. You can find her on Facebook and Twitter. Her tweets are seriously funny.”
“Trudy Moore? Why didn’t you say her name was Trudy? I know who you mean now and I love her work. She writes some of the hottest gay romances I’ve ever read.”
“I didn’t realise you read M/M stuff.”
“I’ll read anything and everything except for biographies and autobiographies. I got told about Trudy and a few other authors for the genre a couple of years ago. But I forgot she had started going by T.H. Moore.”
“Yeah, she had some guy start bashing her saying that she shouldn’t write gay romance if she’s heterosexual. Dumbass. She rocks and should write anything she bloody well wants.”
“Yeah, I don’t seem to spend much time socialising in the book community if it’s not related to the shop. I had heard something about that, but honestly had forgotten, what with how busy it’s been here.”
“And dating that hunk must make you extremely tired,” he says with a wink and a nudge to my ribs.
I laugh and punch him lightly in the arm. He feigns being hurt and pouts at me. I double over laughing, as he gives me the puppy dog eyes to complete his wounded look.
“Less about my sex life, thank you. Let’s talk about how we approach Trudy for a possible signing. I know she has a release coming out next month, maybe we could get her in just before or just after that book comes out.”
Liam composes an email for me as I am afraid of sounding too much like a silly fangirl. He has no such trouble, even though he’s probably a bigger fangirl than me. We send it to her agent and cross our fingers in hope of the answer we want. It would be really good for business to get an author of her calibre in for a signing, but it would also mean that Liam and I get to meet her and that thought alone is enough to excite me.
I close the doors to the store and head home with an excited buzz in my veins. I received an email back from Trudy’s agent, Corrie, a couple of hours after we sent Liam’s email. She wrote to say that Trudy is interested in doing a signing with us at Chapter & Verse. She doesn’t live too far from the store—about an hour’s drive—so she said that as we were a local business, she would be only too happy to support us and to come meet her fans.
Arriving home, I call out to see if Zoey is around. I get no reply, so I walk to the kitchen and pour myself a small glass of prosecco to celebrate the news. Then I turn on my MacBook and click on Photoshop. It’s time to get some fliers designed to hand to customers over the next few weeks. Corrie said that Trudy would love to sign around the time of her new release and we confirmed a date for just a week after the book comes out.
Sat with a blank canvas in front of me, I try to design something, but give up when my creative side decides to disappoint me. I make a mental note to call a company in the morning to have them designed professionally.
I microwave a lasagne from the freezer, not feeling like I can be bothered to cook.
After a couple of hours reading Sk8er Boy—the first book in a new series by Trudy—ahead of her releasing the next book—I look at the clock and decide to get an early night. I’d exchanged a few texts with Sawyer about seeing him over the weekend. He wanted to take me on a date on Saturday but wouldn’t tell me where. I head into the bathroom and switch on the shower.
As the hot water beats down on me, I close my eyes and enjoy the warmth. Thoughts invade my head, and try as I might to push them aside, I can’t drown them out completely. I think back to the good old days when Reid used to hang around this house. I could watch him from a distance and fantasize about him. In these fantasies he’d tell me it was me he loved, not Zoey, and we would be together. But reality always poked its nose in, just as it does now. I know I need to decide how I feel about Sawyer, but knowing it doesn’t make it any easier.
With thoughts swirling around my mind, I dry myself off and head to my room. I get into my pyjamas and grab my hairdryer. Once I’ve dried and straightened my hair, I slip under the covers and hope the answers will come to me soon.