Kenneth
The week in New York City goes better than I could have hoped for.
Jessica was right about the hotel - something I only fully appreciated when Abbie’s squeals and yells of excitement fit in among the other children and families around, instead of attracting disapproving looks from sharply dressed businessmen.
Of course, the child-friendly restaurants and the suite she booked that includes a separate living area and a kitchen of its own are a bonus too. It’s about as close as it could get to a real apartment, but with all of the luxuries and conveniences of a hotel - just about the best option possible for Abbie. I have no idea how much I’m paying for it all, but I couldn’t care less.
Most of my meetings run on until late and extend into business dinners, so I don’t see as much of Jessica and Abbie as I’d like, but every time I do see my little girl, she can’t stop telling me about everything she’s doing and all the fun she’s having. I brought her along so she wouldn’t spend the whole week without me, but with everything Jessica is doing with her and how alternately excited and exhausted she spends the whole week, I can’t help wonder whether she’d even notice if she didn’t see me at all.
Seeing how well they’re getting on is enough to warm something deep inside me, though, and I couldn’t ask for more.
I make an effort to get back in time to read her a story and tuck her up in bed at least once during the week, but mostly, I see them both at breakfast and for the occasional mornings I manage to sneak away and join them in Central Park.
Those mornings that I can spend with Abbie, I would have expected Jessica to take a break - but for some reason, we all end up going out together.
I don’t say anything about it, but that’s the best part of the whole week for me. It says something that even after so much time looking after Abbie, Jessica would still choose to join us when I do manage to get the morning off.
We have the best time, too, the three of us.
And I know it’s stupid to think it - but it almost feels like…what I imagine being a family would feel like.
Me, Jessica and my little girl.
On vacation.
It’s not - I know that. This isn’t a vacation and we’re not actually a family, of course, but…well, maybe I indulge in the thought a little bit.
Sometimes you need a few fantasies to get you through reality.
That illusion is only broken on those brief occasions that Jessica starts a discussion about work. I don’t stop her - if that’s how she wants to justify coming along with us both, I’m not going to object. I don’t tell her that in those moments, even our work conversations feel more like a partnership than anything else. Being her boss is the last thing I’m thinking about.
The night before we leave New York, I’m late coming back to the hotel - and annoyed about it, too. I’d been hoping to make it to dinner with Jessica and Abbie for our last night, but I should have guessed that the investors I was seeing today would want to take me out. I couldn’t easily refuse without offending anyone, even if an evening with Jessica and Abbie seemed a lot more appealing, so I reluctantly sent Jessica a text to let her to go ahead without me - which was already much later than Abbie usually eats.
Even so, I’d been planning to leave early enough that I could read her a story before bed - but that didn’t work out, either. These things always seem to go on later than I intend, and as I walk into the hotel room at 10pm, I feel guilty.
“Hey.” Jessica says softly, walking over from the couch as she hears the door click closed.
I glance toward the room Abbie’s been sleeping in, matching her quiet tone. “Is she in bed?”
“She tried to wait up, but…”
I nod, sighing as I move past toward the living area.
“I’m sorry. It went on later than I thought it would.” I glance over my shoulder. “Thanks for putting her down for the night.”
Jessica nods, her face looking soft and sweet in the muted light.
“That’s okay. I’m sorry you couldn’t join us.”
The way she’s looking at me, it feels like she somehow knows how much I wanted to.
I let out another long breath, pulling out a bottle of wine from the mini-fridge and raising it toward her in suggestion. “Do you want a glass?”
She hesitates and I give her a wry smile. “I wanted to say thank you for this week at dinner, but…”
“Yeah, okay then.”
I pour us both a glass, handing one over before going to sit down on the couch, taking a sip and shaking my head. I’d avoided alcohol at dinner because that wasn’t how I wanted to come home to Abbie, but now? I’m disappointed enough that I could do with it mellowing me out.
“Abbie didn’t mind.” Jessica says, obviously trying to be helpful as she comes to sit on the other couch. “She’ll be excited to see you tomorrow morning, but she was pretty tired out tonight from the Aquarium.”
“That’s not the…” I sigh, running a hand through my hair and staring off into the lights of the city set behind her. “It feels like I’m always doing this. I spend my whole time trying, but it never quite works out. What does it matter what I plan to do if, in the end, I’m not actually around?”
I’m not really asking Jessica - but the thoughts spill out anyway, having cluttered up my mind for too long with nowhere else to go.
“You brought her with you.” Jessica responds anyway. “And she’s had a wonderful time - it’s made all the difference to her, getting to come with you for this trip.”
“Because of you.” I say, my eyes flicking back to her face and the warm, caring expression there. “She’s had a wonderful time because of everything you’ve done.”
Jessica shrugs, glancing away and I lean back in the couch, taking another sip of my wine.
“It always feels like I do everything I can, even knowing it’s never going to be enough. She needs more, Jessica, more than I can give her and I don’t know…”
I trail off. As much as the words feel like they’re burning up in my mind and boiling in the back of my throat, this isn’t Jessica’s problem. It’s not fair to burden her with it. This was meant to be about me thanking her, damn it.
“From what I can see, you’re doing an amazing job, Kenneth.” She replies anyway, her voice encouraging and sincere in a way that affects me more than I want to admit.
When was the last time anyone ever tried to give me some reassurance? I never thought I needed it, of course, but…
“She’s happy. I know it’s hard - I can see that - but whatever you’re doing, Abbie is a brilliant little girl who seems to be happy and healthy. You can’t get much better than that.” She shakes her head. “I’ll admit, I don’t know how you cope with trying to balance it all, but whatever you’re doing does seem to work.”
“I’m not sure I am. Coping, that is.” I say quietly, looking away. I’m not going to contradict what she’s saying, when she’s obviously trying so hard to be nice, but…I can’t say I believe it, either. “Sorry. I didn’t mean—well, any of this.”
I stand up, giving her a regretful smile as I take a couple of steps over to the bar area at the side. I finish my glass of wine and set it down before turning back to her.
“All I really wanted to do was thank you for the week - I’m not sure how to say how much of a difference it’s made to Abbie, but really…you didn’t have to come.” I look back at her, my eyes catching on her compassionate gaze as I try not to notice the way my heart stutters in response, especially when I think of everything she’s done for Abbie. “I can’t say how glad I am that you did.”
She stands up as well, her glass abandoned on the coffee table as she steps closer to me.
“I wanted to.” She repeats, and the way she’s looking at me right now, I actually believe it. “She’s a wonderful girl.”
“She is.” I agree easily. “She deserves more.”
“It seems like she has an awful lot from where I’m standing, Kenneth. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.”
“It’s just…it’s not what I wanted for her, Jessica.” I say, feeling strange as I realize I’m confiding in her in a way I haven’t done with anyone since Ashley left. “I never wanted her to be raised by Nannies, with her parents too busy to be around for her. She’s got all the stuff she might want, but what about the important things? I didn’t want…her to only have me. I didn’t want to raise her alone.”
That’s the crux of it. Everything else - sure, she has my love and devotion in every way I can possibly show it, I won’t deny that, but…I’m still only one person, and I have a crazy job to go along with it.
She should have a Mom. Someone else to love her and raise her. Someone who can be around when I can’t, and share it all with me.
“What happened?” Jessica asks quietly, her eyes locking with mine.
She’s standing a pace away, but it doesn’t feel like that - she feels right next to me, my skin heating from her gaze.
“With Ashley?” I ask, even though I have no idea whether Jessica has heard that name before.
She nods anyway.
“She left me.” I say simply, then shrug. “She said I was too demanding, too cold, too focused on my job and the life we had together wasn’t the one she’d expected - or wanted.”
Jessica is just looking calmly back at me, and something about the way she’s listening, so focused and intent, makes it easy to continue, to say what’s been on my mind for all these years.
“She might even have been right about all that, I don’t know. I could have forgiven her for it - but not for leaving Abbie, too. I’d thought if the ‘family life’ we had together wasn’t what she’d wanted, she would at least still want some kind of it - that she’d want to be a part of Abbie’s life. But…” I shake my head. “It didn’t seem to work out that way. She visits, occasionally, she writes letters and turns up when it suits her, but…she’s not involved. Not the way she should be. She doesn’t seem to want to be. I’ve tried to talk about it with her, despite how things ended between us, but she flat out ignores me. As far as I can tell, when she left me, she wanted a fresh start completely - without being tied down by the kid she had with a man she obviously regrets.”
I try not to sound bitter about that, but I can’t help it. It’s not that I mind that she regrets our relationship - if I’m honest, I do too - it’s that she seems to regret Abbie, and I can’t stand the idea of that at all.
Jessica reaches out and catches my hand, stepping closer, and I look up at her in surprise, but I hold on tight, squeezing it back as I give her a little smile of appreciation.
“If you want to know what I really think…” I start, then stop.
Those are the things I don’t say to anyone. The cynical thoughts that I try not to acknowledge. Partly because it’s painful, and partly because I’m better than that. Ashley may be my ex, but she’s the mother of my child too. I’ve been very careful not to criticize her to other people.
“What do you think?” Jessica asks softly, and there’s something about that voice that draws me in, that reminds me of the time I could tell her anything.
At the edge of my mind, I wonder whether it should feel strange to be talking about my ex-wife with another ex, but that’s not how this feels. Not at all.
It’s enough that this time, I do come out and say it, some part of me trusting Jessica with the harsher, less forgiving part of myself.
“When I’m not feeling particularly generous, I wonder whether the ‘life she’d expected’ was more about my fortune than attitude - whether she found me too ‘demanding’ because I tried to insist that she was around for Abbie. I didn’t want my daughter raised by the army of Nannies she was looking to employ, while she went off and enjoyed the spa days and shopping trips she was used to.” I admit, feeling strange to finally say it out loud, before giving a short, bitter laugh. “Only that’s what happened anyway, in the end - she’s enjoying her settlement and Abbie is being raised by Nannies every day, while I’m working. I’m not doing raising her any better by myself than Ashley would have done if she’d had her way.”
I shake my head. It’s an irony that I’ve been aware of for years, but perversely, it feels good to finally say it out loud - to share it with someone else.
“That’s not the same.” Jessica interrupts, before I can think it, and I meet her determined gaze. I forget that about her, sometimes, with how warm and caring she can be.
“It’s not.” I agree. “And I wouldn’t change the outcome, not really. At least I’m trying to avoid having other people raise Abbie, even if I’m not doing a great job of it. I mean, sure, sometimes I wonder if it would have been better to take the end result I’ve got now, but with Abbie’s Mom actually around for her, but…I’m not sure how much more of the arguing and resentment either of us could have taken - and that wouldn’t have been good for Abbie either. We weren’t good for each other, in the end. I only wish I’d worked that out sooner.”
“I know. Life would be better if we could do it in hindsight.” Jessica gives me a sympathetic smile and I return it, squeezing her hand again.
“Yeah. I know that feeling.” I shake my head. “It’s why I’ve been so reluctant to bring anyone else into Abbie’s life - even though I think she needs someone. I’ve thought about it, but I can’t bring myself to try…not when I can’t know. I don’t trust my judgment, not after Ashley, and I can’t afford to get it wrong. Especially as I’ve become more…visible. Too many people are just looking for money—I mean, hell, that fucked up lawsuit is proof enough of that, looks like I attract gold-diggers despite swearing off relationships.”
I stop myself, suddenly feeling weird talking about it. Talking about Ashley with Jessica was one thing - but my screwed up love life? Not that I have one. All I have is a mess of paranoia and a burning need for something I can’t reach.
“So Abbie doesn’t have anyone else.” I say, bringing it back to the only point that actually matters. “And no matter how much I think about it, that’s not something I can fix.
“She has you…” Jessica murmurs, stepping closer, her deep brown eyes holding mine with a warmth that transfixes me. “That’s what matters, Kenneth. That’s who she wants.”
Somehow, when she says ‘who she wants’ my mind drifts away from Abbie completely. I can’t stop looking at Jessica, her hand warm in mine and her skin so very soft where I’m touching it. I tug on that hand, almost instinctively, but I barely need to before she’s right in front of me, her head tilting up toward me.
I don’t think as mine comes down to meet her, my mouth brushing those full, gorgeous lips as I’ve imagined so many times in the last few weeks. It’s just a light touch, almost nothing at all, but it becomes more almost instantly. I’m not sure who presses forward first, but in the next moment, our mouths are moving against each other - warm and intent, the softness of her lips feeling divine against mine as my other hand comes up to cup the back of her neck, pulling her into me.
She shifts forward at the same moment, her body pressing up against me as our mouths open, the kiss deepening until I’m tasting her, hot and sweet and eager. Lust that I’ve barely let myself feel floods through my body as we grind up against each other, weeks of pent-up need and desire that have finally been released.
It’s perfect.
It’s better than I ever could have imagined.
Everything I remember - and so much more.
Jessica.
Oh my god—
She jerks back in the next moment, stumbling away from me as she gasps, looking back at me with something closer to horror than the ecstasy rushing through my veins.
“I can’t do this—” She chokes out, shaking her head once, hard. “I can’t—not again.”
Before I can react to the sudden shift in everything, she backs away - then turns, almost running for the door.
“I—what—”
I stand there as my mind struggles to process the sudden kissing, the fire in my veins and how, for a brief moment, it was like everything I’d been missing was suddenly right there - and then the rejection, the disappearance of it all the very next second.
By the time I can think again, I’m already at the door.
Wanting - needing - to go after her.
To talk.
No, not really to talk.
To kiss. To finish what we were about to start.
What we started years ago.
To show her ‘yes, again’ in any way I have to.
It’s only with my hand on the door that I pause, glancing back.
Abbie.
My little girl sleeping totally unaware in a room just past the living area.
Jessica’s room is only just down the corridor, I wouldn’t be leaving her for more than a few moments, just long enough for—
For what?
I lean forward, my forehead dropping to the door in front of me as everything else in my life suddenly swamps me - not enough to diminish the desire pounding through me, but enough to make me stop.
The complications.
Abbie. ExVenture. Our jobs.
More than that, too.
Jessica’s words. The horror in her expression.
Not again.
All the history between us, the past we haven’t talked about…
What can I say, in the face of all that? What can I tell her?
When I have Abbie to think about, my company, all these responsibilities.
I’m not seventeen anymore. I can’t go chasing the girl who drives me crazy on a whim, on a lust-fueled need, with only vague hope and unspoken potential to sustain us. It’s not like it was back then. It’s not just about me - or us.
And look how all those teenage hopes and dreams worked out in the end. They’re never going to be enough again.
“God damn it.”
I slam the palm of my hand into the door, frustration and need twisting through me as I turn away - the bitter tang of disappointment following me back into my own suite.
Into my own bed.
Where thoughts and images of what just happened - how it all felt - flash through my mind, consuming me totally.