Kenneth
“Don’t go, Daddy, don’t goooo!” Abbie cries, clinging to my leg just as I’m about to leave for work.
“Hey, hey…” I say gently, dropping to one knee and putting my hands on her shoulders. “What’s this about, sweetie? I’m just going to work. I’ll be back this evening.”
“I don’t want you to goooo!”
“Heyy, baby girl…” I pull her into me, giving her a tight hug as she sniffles. “I’m coming back. I won’t be gone long, I promise.”
“You never come back!” She pushes at me, angry-upset, and I try to comfort her.
The front of my shirt is all wet with her tears, her whole face shining with moisture as I murmur to her and try to wipe some of it off. She pushes at my hand. “No, Daddy, don’t.”
“I’m just trying to help—”
“I don’t want your help! You’re gooooooo-ing…” She hiccups, bursting into tears again and making my heart ache in my chest as I gather her up into my arms.
I leave my bag on the floor and take her into the living area, settling us both down on the couch where I can cuddle her to me. I can feel Kara’s eyes on us and I have no idea what she thinking - but right now, I don’t care. For some reason, the magic she works on my daughter has been less effective over the last couple of weeks. Usually having her here to entertain and distract Abbie means my little girl will barely notice when I leave for work, but these days she’s become far more clingy.
It’s just another thing reminding me I should be looking for a new Nanny, too - someone slightly more reliable, if nothing else - but my first couple of attempts haven’t worked out at all, the people I’ve talked to totally unsuitable.
Why is it so hard to find the right person?
Except that I do know why. I don’t think I’ve fully trusted anyone with my little girl since Ashley left.
“Heyyy, baby girl. What’s wrong? Don’t you like it here with Kara?” I murmur to her, rocking her a little. “I’ll be back tonight, before you go to bed. We can read Giraffes Don’t Dance together again, hmm? Wouldn’t you like that?”
She shakes her head, burying it closer against my chest as her fists cling to my shirt. I stroke her hair gently, rocking us both together on the couch.
“What’s wrong, Abbie?” I ask again, as she hiccups in my arms, her little body shaking against me. “Why don’t you want me to go to work today?”
“You aaalllways go.” She complains, her voice a long moan broken up with little sobs, as I tuck her hair back behind her ear, kissing her forehead.
“I have to go to work, sweetie.” I say gently. “But it’s only for a little while - and you have fun here with Kara, don’t you?”
She takes small gasping breaths as her breathing starts to come back under control, still clinging onto my shirt.
“But y-you go and—and you don’t—you don’t come back…”
I frown, rubbing her back as I look down at her. “I’m coming back tonight, sweetie. It’s not that long.”
She shakes her head. “No! No, you’re not! You’re going awaaay.”
“Abbie, I’m not going away.” I say, trying to keep my voice steady.
Is that what she thinks? That I’m going on a business trip again?
“I’m coming home tonight.” I repeat, trying to reassure her - even as unease stirs within me.
I’m not going away today, but…I’m all too aware that I will be in a couple of weeks. If this is how she’s feeling about it…my heart sinks. I have no idea how I’m going to explain it to her. It’s been getting harder and harder each time, but there’s no way this trip can be postponed. have to meet the investors that are the sole reason ExVenture has been able to expand so quickly. Not showing up to that simply isn’t an option.
“You’re not! You said!”
I blink at her, drawn out of my worry about the future by my concern for right now.
“What do you mean, sweetie? What did I say?”
“You said…you were—were going—on a trip…that’s what you said.”
My brow furrows. I definitely haven’t talked to her about this upcoming trip to New York - I’m much more careful about how I do that. So where did she hear—
Oh damn.
I did talk to Kara. My eyes flick over toward the kitchen, but although I can hear her moving around and getting things ready for Abbie’s breakfast, I can’t see her. Whatever other concerns I might have about her, she does at least know when we need some privacy.
I hadn’t thought Abbie was anywhere nearby when I spoke to her about the trip last night - she was supposed to be playing in the other room - and I just wanted to know if Kara would be available to stay over for the week.
My daughter wasn’t supposed to hear - I needed to find the right time and way to tell her, and definitely not so long before it’s even going to happen - but these last few months, her ears just seem to have gotten bigger and bigger.
“Sweetie.” I try to reassure her. “I’m not going on a trip. I’m not going away. I’m coming home tonight.”
“But—but—you said—”
“I know. I was just talking about…another time.” I say, keeping my voice as soothing as I can make it.
I still wince internally at that. I’ve never lied to Abbie, I don’t believe in that, but I don’t think admitting I’ll be going away another time is going to help too much.
“I’m not going away now, I promise.”
“I don’t want you to go!” She says again, that crying moan back in her voice as she presses tight against me.
“I know.” I say quietly. “I don’t want to go, either. I don’t want to be away from you, baby girl.”
It’s true, as well. There are some trips - like this one - that I really can’t get out of, as the CEO and owner of ExVenture, but I’ve done everything I can to cut down on all the trips I used to make before Abbie was born. I might not feel like I can give up my job or my company, but I really don’t like being away from Abbie for so long. Right now, she’s growing so quickly and doing and saying more amazing things every day, I don’t want to miss a moment of it.
“Then don’t!” She pushes at me again, glaring up at me with shiny, tear-glistening eyes.
“I wish I didn’t have to…but that’s not for a while, Abbie. You don’t have to worry about that now, sweetie.” I stroke her hair again. “I’ll be back to see you tonight. Not long at all. And you’ll have a fun day here with Kara.”
I try to get back to that again. I know I’m not going to move from this couch until she seems okay again - there’s no way I could leave her so upset - but as much as I wish I didn’t, I can almost feel the time ticking on, the day getting later, and some stupid part of my mind is trying to work out what I’m going to be late for this morning. It’s a nagging feeling, slowly building stress that I can’t quite ignore.
“Don’t go…” She says again, quieter this time, all collapsed in my arms and cuddled against me.
The sight of her little form there, the sadness in her voice, it does something to me. This isn’t what I want. This isn’t the sort of father I want to be.
I just don’t know how to do anything else right now.
“You really don’t want me to go away again, hmm, sweetie?” I ask her gently, making my voice soft and soothing as I rock her in my arms.
She shakes her head and I tilt her chin up toward me, so that I can see the stubborn look on her face. She’s quieter now, all the tears and sobbing worn out of her, but she’s obviously still not happy.
“How about…” I say slowly, wondering as I say it, if I’m going to regret doing so before I’ve worked anything out. “How about I see what I can do, okay?”
She blinks at me.
“I don’t want you upset, baby girl, and I don’t want to be away from you. Why don’t I…see if I can find a way to make things better, hm? So that I don’t have to leave you?”
She continues looking at me for a long moment, and I’m not entirely sure whether she understands or what she’s thinking, but after a while she nestles in closer.
“You’re not going?”
Guilt and unease stab through me, knowing just talking about this is risky. The last thing I want to do is say something and then let her down, but…that look on her face…
“I don’t know yet, Abbie. I’m going to try and find a way that I can stay with you, okay?” I take a deep breath. “But, you know…I need to go into work to find that out.”
She doesn’t say anything and I hug her tightly, squeezing her to me.
“Are you okay if I go to work soon? So I can try to stop that trip I have to go on?” I bounce her gently against me and I can tell by her breathing, by the way the tears are drying on her face, that she’s calmer now.
Eventually, she gives me a small nod, but she’s still clinging to me. I lean down to kiss her.
“Thank you, Abbie. We’ll wait until you’re okay to go and play with Kara again, okay? I’ll be here for you as long as you need.”
We cuddle on the couch for a while longer and I try not to think about the time too much. Not when Abbie so obviously needs my love and attention.
When she’s finally ready for me to let her up, she’s still quieter than usual and reluctant to let go of my hand, but she eventually she says goodbye and we do our usual kiss-and-hug-and-love-you routine before I leave her with Kara.
I turn at the door to see her looking at me over her shoulder as Kara leads her back to the kitchen for breakfast, and blow her a kiss before I leave.
All I want is to find a way to wipe that sad look off her face.
* * *
I tell Jessica to clear my morning by the time I finally get into the office - though, of course, she’s already done that with the first half, after it was obvious that I was running late.
I need some time to work this out and find a way to keep my word to my daughter. This trip has been at the back of my mind for the last few weeks and I know I’ve just been avoiding thinking about it. Not wanting to admit to myself or to Abbie that I’m going away for a week again.
A coffee cup appears miraculously at my side - and I can feel Jessica hover there for a moment, watching me. I haven’t said why I was late, I typically don’t, but I’m sure she can guess. She leaves without saying anything, though, and my eyes only flick upwards as the door closes with a soft ‘click’ behind her. It wouldn’t usually be closed, either, but I’m grateful that she can read my need for some privacy right now.
After our conversation a week ago, she’s seemed to read me and what I need better than ever - and she’s been warmer, too, just like I was hoping for. Though now, if I’m honest, I’m not so sure how much of a good thing that is. It’s become increasingly difficult not to notice her, despite how right she was about what terrible timing it would be for us to go out for coffee.
Not to mention, she’s your employee.
But when she smiles like…
Stop. Stop thinking about that. You’re focusing on Abbie this morning, remember?
I turn my attention back to the computer in front of me, looking over the schedule for that week and trying to work out if I can find a way to postpone the meetings - or maybe invite them to come to me instead…
Yeah, all of them. The several different groups I was going to talk to, across several different meetings.
Including those few individuals who came down here the last time we had a meeting.
Or maybe I can send someone else…
Yeah. To meet with company execs worth multi-billions of dollars. As a sign of our appreciation for their investment and trust. That will go down well.
You’ve got the whole morning to work on this.
Unfortunately, it takes a fraction of that time to figure out that there really is no alternative. I have to go to New York. Unless I want to piss off a lot of very powerful, influential people in a way that will no doubt come back to harm ExVenture.
Shit.
I lean back in the chair, running my hands through my hair as I picture Abbie’s face this morning again. I can’t leave her for another week. Not so soon after my last business trip.
For a brief moment, my mind flicks to Ashley. There’s no doubt Abbie would jump at the chance to spend a week with her Mom - she wouldn’t even notice my absence. But even as I think of it, I discard the idea. Even if Ashley were to agree to the idea - with just two weeks notice - I’d never be able to guarantee she wouldn’t bail at the last minute. That would be the worst of all.
My next thought is my parents - but Abbie isn’t so close to them. Not as close as I’d like, anyway. Not close enough for her to be comfortable spending a week with them if I wasn’t there - I imagine she’d rather spend the time with Kara.
Who still hasn’t confirmed she can do it.
Argh.
It’s a nightmare.
The quiet knock on my door jerks my head up, to see Jessica’s head appear around my office door.
“I just wanted to check if you needed anything. I’ve got the usual morning summary, but there’s nothing that can’t wait - or I can send it across to your computer if you prefer.”
Even if I couldn’t see it on her face, it would be obvious she’s concerned just from that. She never usually interrupts - and definitely not to ‘check if I need anything’ - she simply filters things to make sure they’re ready when I am available and trusts that I’ll say if I need something. It’s part of what makes her such a good secretary.
I let out a sigh, shaking my head. “I don’t need anything.”
Just a way out of this stupid trip.
But as good as she is, I don’t think even Jessica could rearrange those meetings without some serious penalties. And then I’d still have to go another time - I’d just be postponing dealing with all this, and how it’s affecting my daughter, until then.
Instead of disappearing, though, Jessica pauses on the threshold - and then steps inside, her head tilting to one side.
“Everything is okay…with Abbie…isn’t it?” Her voice is obviously hesitant, but behind it the warmth on her face is obvious, the concern that I’ve started seeing there…
I sigh again, running a hand through my hair.
“Yes, mostly.” I say, just in case she thinks there’s an emergency or something, before admitting the real problem. “It’s just this trip in a couple of weeks - the one to New York. She doesn’t want me to go, and I don’t blame her. I’ve been away so often recently and she’s only little…”
I shake my head, trailing off. I’m dimly aware that at some point this conversation switched from boss-and-secretary to something else, but I don’t think about that. It’s a nice feeling to have someone I can talk to about it - a little strange, and not something I’m used to, but for some reason, it’s not hard to tell Jessica what’s going on. I don’t usually talk about Abbie - or the things I’m struggling with - with anyone.
“I could try and rearrange those meetings—”
I shake my head before she can finish making the offer.
“That’s what I’ve spent the morning looking at - a way to get out of it - but we can’t afford to do that. ExVenture can’t. We need those meetings - and if they don’t happen in a couple of weeks, then they’d just have to happen another time and I’d have the same problem all over again.”
Maybe this will get better next year, when she’s in school.
Except some part of me knows that it won’t. It’s the evenings and nights I’m away for that bother her most. If she had someone else, if Ashley was still here—
I try not to think about it. I might not have been particularly interested for myself over the last few years, but I can’t count the number of times I’ve considered trying to date again simply for Abbie’s sake. She deserves to have someone else in her life who cares about her like I do - and I can’t help the constant insecurity that whatever I do, she needs a Mom.
Maybe it’s not so obvious now, but what about later on - when she’s a teenager? Or an adult? How am I ever going to have a clue what I should be doing?
I’ve never been able to make myself do it, though - and if I did, there’s too much risk I’d end up with someone more interested in my money than my little girl. If anything, this damn lawsuit with Danielle just proves that.
I can’t trust anyone. Not after Ashley.
It’s too obvious who I am and what I have, these days. How would I ever know someone was interested for me? Or for Abbie?
“Kenneth?” Jessica’s voice interrupts the reverie, and I glance back at her.
“Sorry. Just…too much stuff going on in my mind at the moment. What was that?”
She nods, her expression sympathetic. “I was just saying I’m sorry about the trip - I don’t know how you do it, raising a little girl with all of this to run too. It’s obvious how much you care for her, though. She’s a lucky girl.”
Is she, though?
I’m about to voice that before I catch the wistful tone to her voice - and I suddenly remember some of the things she told me, so long ago. About her parents - all the hope and disappointment and resentment there. The things she wished were different.
I get a stab of sympathy of my own, enough that I take her words to heart, really considering them. Maybe she’s right - at least Abbie has me. That’s better than no-one at all.
“Thanks.” I say instead, softly.
She nods, giving me a small smile, a hint of sadness behind it that seems to go all the way through me.
“I’ll leave you to it, then. Unless you’d like another cup of coffee?”
“I—no, that’s okay.”
I’d like you to stay. I’d like to talk more - to see more of you.
But I don’t say it and by the time I’ve glanced up from the empty coffee cup beside me, the door is already closed.
I stand up with a shake of my head, stretching my arms above me and turning around to look at the view out of the full-length window.
I still don’t have an answer to what I’m going to do about this business trip, or Abbie, but that’s not really what I’m thinking about as I stand there, my mind distant.
I’m thinking about Jessica. About that look in her eyes. The sad smile she gave me.
The way she cared enough to step out of her usual role and ask directly about Abbie. She only spent that one week around her, and yet…it was enough that she wanted to check everything is okay.
She’s a good person. Warm, caring, kind.
She always has been. I remember that much.
Eventually, I turn back and make myself focus on the meetings I’ve got for that afternoon - but that’s still there, at the back of my mind.
It’s not until much later that it turns into something more - a sudden idea.
A way to make this business trip work.
I would have to talk to Abbie’s preschool, pull her out for another week, but that’s not the part that’s going to be difficult.
What on earth will Jessica think?
* * *
“Can I talk to you for a few minutes?”
I pause at her desk on the way back from my meeting with the Head of Operations and she looks up - immediately registering the request, in the way I intended it. Personal, not professional.
“Of course.” She nods, but I don’t miss the wary glance she gives me as she follows me into the office.
She’s probably worried I’m going to repeat the coffee suggestion - for what, the third time?
I wish.
I lean against the desk instead of sitting behind it. This isn’t something I can ask of her as her boss - and I want to make that clear.
“I had an idea for how I could make the business trip work, without upsetting Abbie.”
“Ohh.” Her expression turns relieved and she gives me a smile. “That’s great - what do you need me to do?”
I almost wish she hadn’t asked that. That’s what this is about - but not quite as my secretary.
“Well…” I let out a slight laugh, giving her a wry smile. “Actually, quite a lot. If you’d be up for it.”
I continue before she can voice the confusion on her face.
“I can’t get around the meetings in New York - but I could take Abbie with me. There’s no reason she can’t have a fun trip and then see me every evening after the meetings and discussions are done.” I say, watching her carefully and waiting for the moment she works it out. “But I’d need someone to look after her during the day.”
“What do you mean—” She looks at me, a frown flickering across her face. “You said you had a Nanny, right?”
I resist the urge to grimace. I had thought about Kara - she wasn’t the first person I thought of, I’ll admit, even though she should have been - but it had at least occurred to me. I just…didn’t see that working out very well.
“Kara hasn’t confirmed she’s available overnight for the whole of that week at all yet.” I say slowly, trying to work out my reluctance as I do. “I’m not sure she’d be willing to fly out to New York - or particularly suited to looking after Abbie in a completely new city. If I’m honest, I’d feel a little uneasy relying on her for something like this.”
I don’t say that I’d feel more comfortable with her doing so, but it hovers there between us anyway, heavy and unspoken.
Jessica just looks back at me carefully, saying nothing, and I give a little shrug as I lay out everything I’ve been thinking. The worst she can do is say no, right?
“I thought it would work best if I take you to New York with me as well. It would be helpful to have you there working alongside me on anything that comes out of these meetings, as well as directly available instead of handling my schedule from here.” I hold her gaze evenly, but I can feel the air between us intensifying. I’m asking a lot, I know that. It’s not entirely conventional or appropriate, but it does work, more than anything else I’ve come up with. “And if you came too, I could ask if you’d be willing to help with Abbie as well.”
Her eyes widen, even though she had to know where this was leading, and my heart sinks as I wonder whether she’s offended by the suggestion. She’s my secretary, not my Nanny, and I have no idea what she thinks of me asking her to do this.
“I know it’s not your usual role.” I continue quickly, before she can react or start objecting before she’s had a chance to think about it. “And it’s not a requirement - I’m just asking…as a favor, really, because I saw how much Abbie enjoyed that week with you. I’d be happy to offer a triple-rate bonus that week, of course, for the time away and the extra responsibility - but this isn’t really about money. It’s about Abbie. I don’t want you to agree unless you’re comfortable with the idea. It’s not…it’s not something you have to do.”
I want to make that very clear. There’s no way this is a standard business request.
My fingers are tapping on the desk in time with the words and I’m surprised to notice the old fidgeting habit I thought I’d overcome years ago. I stop them, even as I notice her shifting awkwardly in front of me.
“I—”
“You don’t have to answer right away.” I add, shaking my head. “Just think about it for a few days, okay?”
Let me think that I might actually make this happen. That there might be a chance…
She shakes her head and my heart sinks further. Damn it. Did I just go through all that - the awkward explanation and everything about the suggestion - for something that was never going to be possible?
Well, maybe Kara…you might not be totally comfortable, but maybe…
“Yes, okay.” The quiet response jerks my head back to Jessica, who doesn’t quite meet my eyes as she nods again. “I’ll do that.”
“I—really?”
“Yeah, I can do that.” Her quiet tone doesn’t change, before she straightens slightly and nods toward the door. “I’ll make the arrangements now.”
Before I can quite work out what just happened - and before I can even acknowledge the comment - she’s slipped out of the office and disappeared, and I’m left staring after her.
I was hoping she’d say yes, of course, but I didn’t think it would happen so easily.
Maybe after a few days.
Maybe with some intense discussion and a few conditions attached.
Huh. That’s…unexpected.
My gaze drifts over to where she’s already sat back at her desk - I can’t see her face from this angle, but I’d guess she’s already tapping away at the computer - and as it does, my mind drifts too. I can’t help but wonder…
I shake off the thought before it even starts to form.
I can’t afford to be thinking that way. Not with Jessica coming with me - and now Abbie - to New York.
That’s not what this was about, Kenneth.
It’s about Abbie.
That’s all that matters.
I suddenly realize I’ve actually done it - I’ve found a way to keep my promise to my daughter - and I can’t hold back the slow smile that makes its way across my face, all other thoughts disappearing.
Thank fucking god.
Well, almost all other thoughts. One lingers.
Thank you, Jessica.