Kenneth
I spent the next week frantically trying to interview and vet potential Nannies, while trying to covertly check on how Jessica is doing without annoying her.
Neither seems to work out very well.
It’s far too short a time frame for me to feel comfortable leaving Abbie with someone for so long without me being there. And that’s even if I were to compromise and go for someone who I wasn’t entirely convinced about, something I told myself I’d never do.
I ask Kara whether she’s got any friends who might be able to help out and when she doesn’t, even go as far as to offer to cover the first few months’ of her rent in Jefferson City if they’ll just delay these viewings to another week. This whole thing has stopped being about finding a way to keep Abbie happy despite breaking my promise I won’t go away again - and instead, trying to find anyone who might be able to look after her.
Kara can see how desperate I’m getting, but she reluctantly turns down the offer anyway. Apparently, her dropping everything to cover for me has been a source of strain between her and Jason for a while now and that isn’t how she wants the start of their new life together to begin. Another thing I never knew.
I ask Martha too, even though I know she’s out of state again, but her daughter is heavily pregnant and she doesn’t want to miss the big moment. I know my suggestion of putting them all up in a luxury apartment nearby is ridiculous even as I say it, but I can’t help myself, right now it looks like I have no options at all - and I feel like with all the resources and finances at my disposal I should be able to do something.
But I can’t. All the money in the world is no good when what I need are people.
People I’ve been damned bad at making connections with and encouraging into our life, it seems.
Money can’t buy everything. It can’t fix everything. I’ve known that all along, but sometimes I swear I feel this should all be easier somehow.
I’ve worked hard. I’m successful. Why are such seemingly simple things still so hard?
I even call my parents, asking if there’s any way that they can come visit from California for the week, despite Abbie not really knowing them enough to be comfortable around them. I trust them, at least, and that’s more than any other option I’ve got.
But no, my sister is in the middle of another breakdown of some kind, and they’ve got their hands full with the three kids running riot. I offer for them to all come and stay as well, even though I have no idea how Abbie would handle the three loud, sometimes-violent boys invading her quiet life, but my Mom thinks the move might destabilize things further.
‘Why don’t you hire someone to help you out, Kenneth? You’ll be fine, sweetie, you always have been. We’re so proud of you, you know.’
I try not to sigh as I hang up the call. It’s always been like that - and most of the time I don’t mind, I can understand it, but…right now?
God damn it.
I’m the successful one.
I’ve got the impressive job, the money and my life under control.
I’ve always known what I wanted and been able to go out there and get it.
My older sister…not so much.
She got pregnant and dropped out of high school, then followed an idiot to the other side of the states. I still don’t know exactly what happened there but by the time their relationship blew up, she’d become an emotional wreck.
I’ve always understood my parents moving out to help her and their grandchildren. I’ve tried to help as best I can as well and before Abbie was born, I spent a lot of time out there. I want her to be happy the way she deserves and I’ve always known that she needs our parents’ help and support more than I do.
But…that doesn’t mean I don’t need it at all. Ever.
I try to let go of the frustration, knowing it’s partly because everything seems to be falling apart on me.
Abbie can tell something is wrong, too, and I don’t know how to tell her about the trip because I don’t even have a plan for it.
Between that and seeing Jessica every day, trying to ask how she is and knowing it’s not helping but also feeling totally helpless to know what would help...I feel pretty useless at the moment.
Unable to fix anything that’s going on in my life.
I want to talk to Jessica, to do something for her, to find out what’s really going on and figure out a way to help - but I know that right now, I don’t get to do that. Not after the way I acted. Not with how confused everything feels between us - I don’t feel like her boss anymore, even if she does technically work for me, but I don’t know exactly what that makes us.
Not quite friends. Not quite…more.
Not quite anything, I guess.
And I was a total asshole for ever asking her to come with me. Or, I guess, not asking.
If I’m honest with myself, I was being a dick and acting out because of my injured pride. I felt rejected and uncomfortable that she seemed totally disinterested in a kiss that had been on my mind for days, and had never taken a moment to think it might not be about me at all.
Yeah. Self-centered asshole. That’s you, Kenneth.
You’ve been at the center of everything for so long…your company, your daughter…that’s all you can imagine.
So I acted out and…totally screwed up.
Her grandfather. Damn.
I didn’t say it, but I remember exactly how much he means to her.
How much she’d adored her grandparents for what they’d given her, even while wrestling with so much resentment for her Mom. She’d lash out at them at times, angry that they weren’t her Mom, and then come to me distraught with guilt and wanting to know how she could ever make it up to them, all while still being angry.
It’s hard to think back to that time now, to think how different we were and yet…not that different at all, really.
All the things that are still there.
I just wish the other things could be there too. I wish she could come to me and sink into my arms and tell me everything that’s going on, everything that she’s dealing with and how it’s affecting her. I wish she could trust me with that.
I know why she doesn’t anymore, obviously, but it still hurts to think of how different it used to be.
And how scary it is you still want that.
Even when I have more than enough of my own issues to deal with.
The day after I told her to go home, she looks slightly better and some of the tension in me eases slightly - but then, gradually, the drawn expression and dark eyes get heavier again and I have to bite my tongue not to tell her to leave early all over again. For that brief moment when I was holding her in my arms and there was something more going on, I could try to help her, but now…now, I doubt the interference would be welcome.
So instead, I just try to be there for her and even though I’m not sure how much it works, I end up feeling like she’s there in a similar way, a quiet understanding springing up between us that feels nice as we continue to work closely together.
She walks in with my afternoon coffee just as I finish the conversation with my parents and look up at her as she sets it down beside me.
“You look about the same way I feel right now.” I say with a sigh, running a hand over my face. “Was it a rough evening yesterday?”
“About the same.” She says, in a similar tone, then shrugs. “So…yeah.”
I nod. I don’t know much about these things - though I’ve certainly spent more time looking up strokes in the last week than I ever have before - but I know enough from Jessica that the hardest thing for her is seeing the lack of progress.
“Interviewing Nannies isn’t going well?” She asks, tilting her head to consider me in turn as she pauses by the side of my desk, leaning against it in the way she’s taken to doing occasionally. It’s little things like that that make me feel not at all like her boss…except perhaps in some hot office fantasy…and I’m secretly pleased every time I see it.
Even if I do have to avoid letting my eyes drift down to the tight pencil skirt wrapped around her gorgeous legs.
“No.” I shake my head. “I haven’t found anyone I’d be willing to leave Abbie with for a day yet, never mind a whole week. I think all the decent candidates probably bolt at the idea of spending their first week with my daughter as live-in support - before they even know her or me. I can’t even blame them for that, really.”
I’m surprised she took the moment to reflect the question back, if I’m honest, but I guess my comment invited that. I’m not about to complain - if I get the chance to open up to her, then maybe she’ll feel more comfortable talking to me. Besides, there’s a not-so-small part of me that feels like it needs the chance to vent some of the frustration.
“I’ve gotten to the point of offering to host whole families for a mini-break just to bribe anyone I know to come and stay over for the week.” I give her a wry smile, trying to make it amusing in the hope of getting a laugh or smile in response. I miss seeing that on her, even if life might be screwed up at the moment. “All that’s told me is how very few people I seem to know.”
I obviously don’t hit quite the right note, because her expression softens in sympathy.
“I’m sorry, Kenneth. I wish I could do more—”
“No. It’s not for you to do anything, really.” I shake my head before she can finish. “I never should have asked you, I was just…I don’t know. I’m sorry about that, you know, especially with everything you’ve had going on.”
“You didn’t know.”
But I should have known.
I don’t say it, but it’s what I’m thinking. I could tell something was wrong, I was just…too focused on myself. On my problems. Somehow, even with everything that’s going on, they don’t seem quite so bad anymore. Not after hearing about Jessica’s grandfather.
“The hotel I booked last time has a creche service.” Jessica offers. “I could look into that for you, if you’re still thinking of taking Abbie with you—”
“I already called them.” I preempt her. “It’s an option, maybe, but it doesn’t cover the late nights that are going to be inevitable. They said they could put me in touch with other services that might be able to cover that, but I’m not sure how comfortable I feel with Abbie spending the evening with an agency-based stranger, in a completely different city…”
I shake my head, then glance up at her, knowing how this must sound. Like I’m deliberately being difficult.
“You must think me ridiculous, huh? Here I am, totally stuck for a solution, and yet I shoot down the few options I do have.”
Beggars can’t be choosers.
Except, damn it, I refuse to accept that.
“It’s your daughter, Kenneth.” Jessica says gently. “Of course you only want what’s best for her.”
The understanding there eases some of the tension within me, some of the questioning self-doubt, and I give her a grateful smile.
“Thanks.”
“I’ll have a look around, see whether I can think of any other options.” She offers.
I nod, but I already know that even Jessica’s prowess at sorting unfixable problems isn’t going to work here.
The conversation is enough to help in itself and I laugh to myself as she leaves and I’m left thinking that. So much for helping her out. She seems far better at that than me.
I close my eyes and drink my now lukewarm coffee, totally stuck on a solution and knowing I have to talk to Abbie about this soon. I leave next week - unless I don’t figure something out by then, and then my company’s finances will be wrecked.
By the end of the day, I’m still no closer though, and I’m surprised when I come out of my office at 5.30pm and see Jessica still sitting there, staring off into the distance and fidgeting with a pen.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, suddenly uneasy.
She looks up, seeming startled by my presence. “Yes, I just—I was just thinking.”
Her eyes flick to the clock on the wall and I watch the flush come over her cheeks. “Oh, damn.”
I close the distance between us as she jerks to her feet, seeing the sluggish way she’s moving, and take her hand in mine, closing both of mine over it.
“Jessica.” I squeeze, drawing her gaze to mine and trying to put as much reassurance as I can into my voice. “It’s okay. He’ll still be there if you’re a little bit late - he’ll be fine. I mean, he’ll probably even be pleased to think you might have taken a bit of time for yourself. He can’t be too happy to see you like this.”
I reach out and push her hair behind her ear, my fingers trailing along her cheek as I do.
“You need to take care of yourself, too, Jessica. You can’t keep this up.”
You need someone to take care of you. Or make sure you do it.
I try to ignore the burning need to be that person - to do just that. It’s not fair to anyone to try to insert myself into her life now, when she’s got so much going on and we’ve got so much…history.
She flushes at the intimate touch, glancing around obviously. I’ll be damned if I regret the risk, though, even as she swallows and takes a step back, her hand slipping out of mine.
She doesn’t quite look at me, but when she finally speaks, what she says is the last thing I expect to hear.
“I was thinking about what you said, about inviting everyone you know to come and stay with Abbie for the week.” She says, her eyes flitting to my face and away again before she clears her throat and shrugs. “You know, if you don’t find anyone…well, maybe I could—it was never Abbie that—”
“You don’t need to do that, Jessica.” I say, shaking my head before I let myself think about it. If I do that, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop myself. “That wasn’t why I told you any of that—really, it’s not on you—”
“I know that.” She interrupts, her voice sounding firmer than I’ve heard it recently. “But it wasn’t—well, I just didn’t want to be away from Gramps, that was all—it’s not that I don’t want to help. We don’t have to talk about it now, just, keep it in mind, okay? If you don’t find anyone else.”
“I—”
“And, um, I really have to go.” She glances at the clock again, but softens it with a small smile as she picks up her bag, gives me a last glance and starts walking away.
I’m left staring after her, my head buzzing with that thought as much as I tell myself I shouldn’t even be considering it.
I try not to. I really do.
But every failed attempt at finding anything else comes back to me and it’s hard not to picture the relief I’d feel if I knew Jessica was looking after Abbie for the week.
It’s what you wanted in the first place. Even if you were a dick about it.
I still try to find an alternative, determined not to take advantage of Jessica’s generosity, but the idea is there now, in the back of my mind and growing - my subconscious thinking more about how that would work than how to find another option. And it has a dozen ideas for how it could work, for how good it could be…however much I try to shake that off.
I continue my frenzied interviewing anyway - I still need an urgent replacement for Kara, whatever happens with the week I’m away - but I actually feel like I have room to breathe now, that I can stop and really consider the applicants I’m talking to, instead of feeling almost panicked about the whole process.
Just having that option there in the back of my mind is enough to take some of the pressure off, the relief of it letting me focus on what’s really important instead of just a short-term solution for next week.
Eventually, as it becomes obvious that all my attempts to find another option aren’t going to work out in time, I start really letting myself think about it. I want to make sure this is something that will be good for Jessica as well as Abbie and I. She’s got enough going on that I refuse to add something difficult to it…but, the more I think about it, the more I can’t help thinking this could be just what she needs too.
I talk to Kara and confirm that she’s still available to look after Abbie during the day. That would give Jessica so much more time to see her grandfather, while still being around for my little girl in the evenings…and that could be a good thing, too. I hate the idea of Jessica going back to an empty house, being all alone with all the emotional upheaval of trying to support her grandfather.
Of course, it’s not like Abbie is going to support her with any of that, but I know from experience that just being around her sweet mannerisms and nonsensical remarks can be a good distraction - and it means she won’t be alone. I don’t know why that thought gets to me so much, but it does. Jessica shouldn’t be alone. Especially at a time like this.
She’s spent too much of her life struggling with people not being there for her.
Like you.
I try to ignore that thought but it’s there - along with the guilt behind it.
You should never have left her.
Before I met her again, I never thought it was something I regretted, but now…now, I don’t know anymore.
Now it feels like something that’s eating away at me, that I’m going to have to deal with at some point.
But not now. She doesn’t need to have to deal with my guilt as well as everything else right now.
Maybe my little girl can help, at least. Maybe she can be there for you. Maybe you’ll be able to accept that, where you can’t accept me anymore.
I know as I think it that I’m playing a dangerous game. If Abbie and Jessica spend the week together…in my house…just the two of them…it’s so close to the things I think about sometimes. The life that crosses my mind idly, even if I know it shouldn’t. It’s definitely enough to be confusing - for all of us.
Abbie already talks about Jessica often enough and with her Mom being so absent, I can’t help wonder whether she’s looking for that kind of connection. It’s something I’ve considered looking for over the last few years, for Abbie. But the idea of her getting attached and then something going wrong—I don’t want to think about what that might do to her.
But…there’s also part of me thinking that maybe it won’t just be Abbie who gets attached.
And maybe I want that.
Maybe part of you wants to show Jessica the life that might have been, if I hadn’t left all those years ago…the life that could be…
It feels a little crazy to be thinking that way, when all Jessica and I have done is kiss. Once.
If you don’t count all the things years ago.
But working with her, being around her every day for the last couple of months, I can’t deny there’s something there between us. Maybe the same thing that was always there - maybe it never left. I don’t know, but I know how I feel when I’m around her and I’m starting not to care about all the reasons not to.
There’s something inside telling me this might be it. The thing I gave up looking for years ago. My one chance at happiness - at having the kind of family I always wanted.
So however worried I am about what might happen if it all goes wrong…I still think I’d take the risk. I’d still want to push them together and hope that it might be enough to start healing the holes in both of their hearts - even if this trip wasn’t leaving me with no choice.
Really, it’s just given you an excuse.
I try not to think too hard about my intentions or what I’m doing as I gently talk to Abbie about it, finally admitting the trip and trying to explain why it’s so important in a way she’ll understand. I follow it up quickly with the idea that Jessica could come and stay here to look after her - and I’m surprised how well she takes the whole thing, easily following me down the path of ‘what would you like to show Jessica’.
It’s enough to bring that secret hope to life just a little bit more.
I work out the rest of the details with Jessica on Friday, and I can’t help the overwhelming relief I feel when it’s done. It’s not just from finding someone to look after Abbie while I go away, either - part of it is the thought that Jessica will have someone to come home to, after visiting for her grandfather each day. She’ll have the sweetest, most caring little girl to bring some of the childlike magic back into her life - something I hadn’t even realized children brought until I started seeing it in Abbie.
I try not to think about much more than that. I don’t let my mind wander too much, into the things it’s too soon to think about.
And, as I prepare for my trip to New York and what I’m going to say to ExVenture’s investors, I refuse to think about what my lawyer might say about this arrangement.