Kenneth
After a weekend of longing, with that kiss replaying over and over in my mind, I come in to find Jessica isn’t at work.
I’m early - and part of me was hoping she might be, too. Even though I think I know nothing will come of it, I want to talk to her. To see her. Just…anything.
That last day coming home from New York felt strange, and slightly wrong, and whatever happens, I want to fix that much at least.
Except she doesn’t come in early - and half an hour before she’s meant to arrive, I get a text.
‘I need to take a few days off. It’s not about what happened in New York.’
That’s it. Nothing else, no explanation, and unease coils through me.
I send back an immediate - ‘Are you okay?’ - and get nothing in response.
It feels like I spend most of the day waiting for it anyway, grabbing my phone whenever it goes off, insisting on keeping on full volume in my meetings that day - just in case Jessica does reply. Just in case there’s something wrong and she needs help.
But no, nothing - and all that does is leave me thinking too much.
Her message said it wasn’t about New York, but her silence still makes me wonder.
If it’s not about that, why hasn’t she said what it is about? Why haven’t I heard anything else from her?
There’s an uncomfortable pit in my gut at the idea she might feel unable to face me, or work together, after our kiss.
That’s the last thing I want.
Not just because she’s a damn good secretary and I can’t imagine trying to find someone to replace her - in fact, if I’m honest, probably not because of that at all.
I just don’t want her to stop being around.
Selfish, stupid, maybe. But it’s true.
You’re so screwed, Kenneth. This whole thing is so messed up, and—
My desk phone brings me out of the reverie and I look at it half-suspiciously. I had no idea how many calls Jessica must filter through me until they started coming through directly in her absence. I didn’t bother to ask Tyler for a temporary secretary - for some reason, the idea depressed me.
After a moment I pick it up, with a cautious greeting.
“Hello?”
“Kenneth.” Patrick’s voice comes through as clear as ever. “Do you have a moment? I need to talk to you.”
My lawyer. A valid call, at least, but that doesn’t mean it’s one I’m glad to take.
“Um…yes.” I say slowly, clicking through my calendar to check. I’ve been late to two meetings already today.
“Good. I wanted to give you a quick update on how the lawsuit is progressing.”
I nod, even though he can’t see me. He continues, not needing the acknowledgment anyway.
“We’ve been given a date in court - it’s scheduled for two months from now.”
“Okay, good.”
There’s a long pause, and I get the impression this wasn’t meant to be ‘good’ news.
“Kenneth.” He says slowly. “That date was requested by Danielle’s lawyers - I think they’re looking to put pressure on us, step up the impetus for us to try and settle.”
“Well, we’ve already said we’re not doing that.”
“I don’t think they fully believe us.” He says, in a tone of voice that heavily suggests they’re not the only ones who don’t believe it.
I have to hold back a sigh. I must have said this a dozen times already. Patrick is supposed to be my lawyer and support the legal action I choose, but he can be damn stubborn sometimes. Apparently it’s just good legal practice to repeatedly advise on something that I’ve already ruled out, if he thinks it’s the better option. Which he does - he’s made that clear enough.
“That’s good for us, then. Maybe they won’t prepare properly.” I say, then deliberately shift the focus. “How’s our defense coming along?”
Patrick doesn’t sigh - he’s too straight-laced for that - but he definitely gives me the impression of it before he responds.
“It’s going okay. We’ve gone through all the dates and times you were potentially alone with Danielle, especially in the few months before she left, and we’re trying to get evidence to prove there was no opportunity for anything inappropriate. It’s a lot to cover and some of it just isn’t possible, but hopefully we’ll have enough that we’ll catch them out with one or two of their claims, and that will be enough to swing it in our favor. I think most of their case will be built around these ‘witnesses’ they’ve hinted at, but they haven’t disclosed their witness list yet, which will give us some much needed direction.”
“Why haven’t you got the list yet?”
I know that shouldn’t be the part my mind snags on - and I know I shouldn’t have a vested interest in that list - but I really want to know who those witnesses are. Who I’ve offended and upset so badly that they’d be willing to lie for Danielle. And the person they mentioned who currently works for me, too…
Obviously, the moment I find out, I’ll have to avoid them. As much as I want to talk to whoever it is, I have a good idea what that might do for the case. None of that stops the driving need to know, though.
“I think they’re stalling - they really want to push us to settle - but now that we have a date, I’m filing a motion with the judge to ask him to demand they hand it over. We need time to depose them. Though, I guess if they wait long enough, the witnesses might be excluded - that would make our life much easier.”
“Hah.” I smile at that idea. “What did I say - having them so focused on settlement will only make going to court better for us.”
“Mm.” Patrick makes a non-committal noise, but I’m unfazed.
“Well done, though, Patrick. Really. It sounds like you’re on top of it and the case is going well.”
I mean that, too. It’s the first time we’ve had a conversation about it that sounds remotely positive.
“Yes, well…there was something else I needed to ask you about.”
“Oh?”
From his tone, I get the impression my feeling of positivity might have occurred too soon.
“Your recent trip to New York - you took your secretary, correct?”
My blood chills slightly.
“Yes.” I say, hoping this isn’t going where I think it is.
How does he know that? Why does he care?
The feeling of Jessica’s lips against mine resurfaces again, and my face heats as I think about what happened on that trip.
Oh fuck. If anyone knew about that, it would be so bad for this case that I’m not sure—
“I see. That’s not typical for you, Kenneth. Was there a particular reason?”
I hesitate before answering, feeling uneasy as I realize I can’t answer that.
Abbie.
The reason was Abbie, but I can’t say that. There’s no doubt it’s probably inappropriate in some level, and that’s enough to be a concern for this case - but more than that, it was a private arrangement between Jessica and I.
It’s not fair to her to admit that she was there to look after my daughter - I have no doubt she didn’t intend it to become common knowledge any more than me.
I’ve been completely open and honest since this lawsuit came up, and this is the first time I’m considering doing otherwise. It leaves me frozen for a moment and I can’t help feeling like it’s a bad idea - like it’s never going to work out well - but I can’t do anything else, either. It’s just a sinking feeling in my gut.
“Not particularly.” I finally say. “It was a complex and packed itinerary and Jessica is a very good secretary - it was helpful to have her there to deal with some of the fluctuating plans.”
I hesitate for another moment, and then I do mention Abbie, because I can’t bring myself to leave that out entirely.
“I also had my daughter with me for this trip, so I needed the extra support with the work, scheduling and meetings that she could provide, so I had enough time for Abbie.”
That’s half the truth, I guess. It’s close. It will have to do.
I’m not saying I basically asked Jessica to be my Nanny for a week. It’s simply not fair to her.
“Kenneth.” He says again. He’s been using my name far too often for my liking in this conversation. It never bodes well. “I’d just like to remind you that I’m your lawyer - you can tell me anything, and it would be helpful to know. Attorney client privilege protects anything we might discuss.”
Oh god. He knows about the kiss. He must do. What the hell do we do now?
“I know that.” I say, refusing to amend anything I just said anyway, and feeling far too much like some naughty school kid who has been caught out and is just waiting to find out how much trouble they’re in.
Something I haven’t come close to for years.
Hell, the last time was probably also with Jessica.
“Okay. So my last question - was your room adjoined to your secretary’s?”
“What?” I blink. That’s not what I was expecting at all. “Of course not. What the—what are you talking about, Patrick? Of course they weren’t—she was right down the hall—where did you—”
My voice gets more incredulous as it goes on, until he cuts me off.
“Your rooms weren’t connected?” He asks again.
“No, of course not.” I repeat. “What are you talking about, Patrick? What’s going on?”
It’s so not what I was expecting to hear that defending myself feels like a relief at the same time. This is easy. This isn’t about kissing my secretary. This is something just…totally…stupid.
“Well, that’s a relief. That would have made things much more difficult for us.”
“Well, of course it would have.” I say, having just thought about all that for another issue entirely. “But why on earth would we do that? What made you think that, Patrick?”
I wonder whether I’m playing up the disbelief a little too much - even as I say it, I can see the clear advantage of connected rooms, of sneaking into Jessica’s late at night and what we could do together—
I cut that thought off. That’s exactly the wrong thing to be thinking about my secretary right now. Or at all. If nothing else, this conversation should make that obvious.
And even if I can see the advantage, I’m more than a little shocked by this direction of the conversation.
“It was just something I heard - about your trip to New York being unusual and that I should check the rooms. I’m sorry Kenneth, there are a lot of rumors flying around at the moment - but when I confirmed that you were taking your secretary with you, I was concerned.” His tone seems to have shifted from dubious to explanatory now, at least, so I guess that’s the end of it, but I still feel shaken.
The rooms might be nonsense, but if someone is looking into that trip to New York…
“I understand the advantages of having your secretary with you on your business trips, Kenneth, but I would caution you to be careful while this lawsuit is ongoing. I know it’s difficult to have to think about, but how your actions might be perceived is important at the moment. Everything you do could have a potential impact on this case.”
He’s just giving me good advice, I know that, but it’s still hard to hear. It’s even harder to know he’s right.
“Damn it, Patrick, I get that, I do. But taking Jessica with me to New York? Really?”
“If I heard a rumor, someone else no doubt has as well.”
“I can give you the damn invoice, you can check the room information - there’s nothing there.”
Not with the rooms.
“I don’t doubt that - though, yes, I will need those details - and I only questioned it because it’s the first time I’ve heard of you doing so. Now isn’t the time to start doing things differently, Kenneth.”
I run a hand through my hair.
“Okay, I’ll bear that in mind, but I’m not going to let this impact ExVenture or the work I need to do to keep us running. At least there are no more business trips in my diary, though, so you shouldn’t have to worry about that again.”
“That’s good to hear. The only other thing to consider…” He pauses for a moment, and I instinctively know that I won’t like what’s coming. “I don’t know your new secretary - Jessica, is it?”
“Yes.” I say, frowning. It’s not like he knew any of my other secretaries either.
“Considering your recent trip together, it’s likely she could be approached by Danielle’s team, in case she would be willing to offer testimony that could be useful to them. I just wanted to check that isn’t likely to cause a problem for us - that if they did, she’d have nothing to raise against us?”
I grip the phone harder as I have to bite back my instinctive comment.
No way are they dragging Jessica into this. I’m not fucking letting them talk to her.
I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t go down well.
“Why would they talk to her?”
“Because she deals with you on a daily basis, she’s inside everything you do and you just took her on a business trip. At the very least, they’ll want to know the kinds of activities you might have engaged together in while you were away, and they’ll probably try to encourage her to think of anything that might have been inappropriate. I don’t know how influenced she might be by that, even if nothing inappropriate actually happened, so I wanted to ask if I should be prepared for any unpleasant surprises.”
Her lips against mine. Her body grinding against me. The overwhelming need, desire, simple rightness of having her in my arms again…
The kiss flashes back through my mind and I have to blink it away.
Nothing inappropriate. Yeah. Right.
“Kenneth? Is there anything she might have to say I need to know about? If they ask, is she likely to start thinking that way?”
“No.” I say it, and I know it’s the truth, despite everything that actually did happen. “There’s nothing. Jessica won’t give them anything if they approach her.”
I know that much.
It just galls me to think they might approach her. That she’ll have to deal with all this after…after…damn it.
“Okay. Thank you, Kenneth. I’ll send through another update by the end of the week.”
He clicks off and I’m left staring out into my empty office with that kiss playing over in my mind.
Patrick’s warnings repeating over the top of it.
Wanting Jessica here, but suddenly confused about everything.
You’ve been a fucking idiot, Kenneth.
I know that. I’ve known it the whole time.
Kissing Jessica was a bad idea. Wanting to do it again is worse. The whole thing is fucking bad timing, even if it hadn’t freaked Jessica out too.
I know I’m an idiot.
But that doesn’t mean I know how to stop it.
* * *
Jessica isn’t at work the next day, either. Or the one after that.
I spend the time trying to manage my frantic work schedule without her, while not letting anything burst into flames in her absence, which is just about achievable - and trying not to think about that kiss, which is absolutely impossible.
It would be easier if Abbie didn’t keep talking about her, but it seems Jessica has been as unforgettable for her as she has for me. I’m not sure that’s a good thing.
I didn’t quite expect Abbie to get so…attached.
She keeps asking when she can see Jessica again, when Jessica is going to look after her again, whether Jessica can be the one to take her to the park, or the zoo, or the kids’ club at our local community center.
I never meant for that to happen.
But then, I didn’t think about it. It seems like there are a lot of things I haven’t thought about.
By the time Jessica finally does come back, I’m this close to turning up at her house unannounced, just to check everything is alright. I haven’t heard anything from her since that first message.
I’m worn out from the half-week without her, from too many thoughts I keep trying to silence, and from concerns about this lawsuit at the back of my mind - but the moment I see her, it’s like something inside me lights up. As stupid as that sounds.
“Jessica.” I grin, hearing the mixture of relief and concern in my voice as I walk out of my office, watching her set down her bag on her desk. “Are you okay? What happened?”
She glances up and me and I frown immediately. Her face is drawn and pale - and there’s nothing like the usual spark in her eyes.
“Have you been sick?”
“I’m fine.” She says, her voice quiet as she glances down at the desk before taking a seat. “I’m sorry I’ve been off.”
She doesn’t explain why, but she doesn’t sound fine. Not at all.
I want to press, to find out what’s been going on, but my heart is flipping in my chest and the slight tremor at the edge of her mouth makes me feel like if I do, she might just burst into tears.
“It’s fine, it was no problem.” I neatly skip over all the scheduling I screwed up while she was gone. “Just…so long as you’re alright.”
She nods, but doesn’t say anything else. For one brief moment, looking at her, I wonder why I was so desperate to see her again. It’s nothing like I was picturing. I expected a debate, some awkwardness or tension maybe, but…something of the girl I kissed in New York, who ran off on me a moment later.
Instead, she seems almost…empty. Exhausted. Like she’s already forgotten the moment that’s been playing on my mind all week.
That thought sends weird spirals of emotion through me and I have to bite back the urge to say something. I wanted to clear the air between us, the moment she came in, but looking at her now - hearing that dull tone to her voice - I’m struggling to feel like there’s anything to clear.
I don’t know why that bothers me more than the tension I expected, but it seems to.
“Jessica…” I hesitate, but then I finally say it. “About New York…”
She glances up at that, meeting my eyes briefly before looking away. “It’s fine. Let’s just forget it, okay?”
That’s it?
It’s fine?
Is that all it was?
I know she said she couldn’t do it, but…damn…
I feel like an idiot. More so than when I was talking to Patrick.
“Yeah…okay.” I finally say, but I still pause before I turn away. “Listen, let me know if you need anything, okay? You don’t look right Jessica - if you need more time—”
“I’m fine.” She repeats, and it’s almost like talking to a robot.
Is that all she can say?
I know I’m being unfair, but…fuck…really?
“Okay.” I say again, though my tone is dubious at best.
I turn back to my office anyway, thoroughly confused and disheartened.
Was it really all in your head? That spark? That connection? That moment it felt like you were coming home.
Such a fucking idiot.
I spend the rest of the day burying myself back in work, relieved that I can at least leave the secretarial duties to Jessica. Whatever is going on with her, it doesn’t seem to have affected her ability with that in the slightest. Within a few hours, she seems to have fixed whatever mess I created while she was gone and is already tackling the backlog of tasks I left - so much so that it seems like she’s going after it in a frenzy.
I glance out at her desk more than once throughout the day, feeling concerned.
I want to go and check on her again - make sure she really is okay or see whether I can get her to talk to me - but…well, I can’t deny our earlier conversation has my pride stinging.
I can’t believe she didn’t feel anything - that she doesn’t even need to talk about it, to say anything to stop it being awkward between us.
I run a hand through my hair, suddenly not sure how I’m going to deal with her working here alongside me every day - knowing she’s driving me crazy, that all these thoughts are swamping me…and she feels nothing.
God damn it.
It just…seemed so real. The look in her eyes. The way her body melted into mine. The overriding need for more.
It’s been years, Kenneth. You don’t know her anymore, not really. Maybe that’s just how she reacts to any kiss.
Somehow, the idea of that hurts more. That she might have kissed dozens of guys like that and then—
For fuck’s sake, Kenneth. Stop this.
She’s her own woman. I chose to leave her. She can do whatever she god-damn wants.
I just can’t get her out of my head.
It eats at me throughout the day and I feel like I spend more time watching her than I do working.
So I don’t miss the way she leaves the moment the clock hits five. It’s unusual enough that I sit up at the sight of it - Jessica has never seemed overly concerned about what time she leaves before. Not that I have any complaints, I’m pretty sure with the pace she worked today, there’s not much left for her to get done, but still…
It leaves me wondering.
If it hadn’t been for the way she checked her watch and the distracted look on her face, I would have thought it might have something to do with avoiding me. But no, I can’t help but feel like I’m the last thing on her mind right now.
If only she was on mine.
I sigh and try to clear up the last few things I’m working on before heading home for the day, telling myself to stop thinking about Jessica. I have my own life to worry about - and thankfully, the moment Abbie rushes up to me, my little girl is enough to make me remember that.
I still get brief images of the three of us together in New York, but not enough to distract me from what’s important.
Caring for my little girl.
That will have to be enough.