20
Ben is mixing margaritas when he hears the front door open. He goes to meet him in the living room and met with Ally stomping through the front door, trailing her backpack on the floor behind her.
“But Daddy, please,” she pleads with Alex who is juggling Lucy and the diaper bag. Ben hurries to help him, taking the baby in his arms. “Gracie’s mommy said they needs a home and they’re so cute.”
“I understand that Ally, but it wouldn’t be fair on Bart to bring a kitten into our house. Besides we’re all too busy to take care of it. And Lulu might hurt it by accident. Maybe in a year or two when you’re both a bit bigger.
“But I’ll take care of it, I promise,” Ally begs watching her younger father with wide eyes swimming with emotion. It’s a classic Alex look and Ben grins; Alex tells her again she can’t have the kitten. This news does not go down well with Ally.
Hands on hips, she stomps her foot.
“It’s not fair,” she cries, “I want a kitten.”
“Ally…” Alex moves toward her, but she turns and runs up the stairs, leaving him with his hand still outstretched. At the top she turns and glares at him.
“You’re a meanie head. I hate you. I hate you.”
“Ally,” Ben yells, shock making his voice crack. “You apologize to Daddy right now. That’s a horrible thing to say.”
“No. I hate him and he’s not my daddy. The grandmother lady said he’s not my daddy, so I don't have to.” She turns her anger back on Alex. “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.”
Her bedroom door slams shut behind her and silence fills the room.
✽ ✽ ✽
Ben turns back to Alex, unsure what to say. He steps toward him, runs a hand up his arm and offers him Lucy.
“Take Lulu and I’ll go talk to her,” he says.
“Ben…”
“Go on, go feed her and I’ll sort out the munchkin.”
He watches as Alex, devastation settling over his face, takes the baby and nods. Breathes deeply and makes his way upstairs. At the top he looks back down; Alex is still at the foot of the stairs, cheek resting on Lucy’s head.
“Alex, go and feed Lucy.”
He watches as Alex shakes himself, not unlike the way Bart does when he’s just got out of his basket, turns, and disappears into the kitchen.
At Ally’s door Ben hesitates, trying to decide how to handle this. He knocks once on the door and without waiting, goes in.
The little girl is curled up on her bad, arms locked around Olaf, sobbing. He feels a rush of pain, she is only four he reminds himself as he sits down on the bed next to her.
“Ally, honey …” Before he can say anything more, she sits up and throws her arms around his neck, cutting him off.
“Papa, Gracie’s mommy said the kittens need homes and they’re so cute and Daddy won’t let me have one. It’s not fair. I just want a kitty. Of my own, Papa.”
Ben strokes her hair, collecting his thoughts and choosing his words.
“Honey, I know you want a kitty but Daddy’s right, we can’t have one right now. Bart is too old to have a little kitten running around. And Lulubug might hurt a kitten without meaning to. Or a kitten might hurt her.” He pauses and tucks a strand of hair behind her ears. “You wouldn’t want Lulu to get scratched, would you?”
Ally shakes her head, sniffling and chewing her lip.
“No, but …”
“No,” Ben continues, “and you have preschool and Daddy has to go to work and I have my office. Who would take care of a kitty?”
“But…”
“Ally, Daddy said no and I’m saying no too. One day we might get a kitty but not right now.”
“It’s not fair,” Ally whines.
“No, it’s not, but it’s how it is. You know what else isn’t fair?’
Ally shakes her head and Ben settles her on his knee, so he can look into her eyes.
“Telling Daddy you hate him and that he isn’t your Daddy.”
“But …” she protests, voice trailing off when Ben frowns, a blush spreading over her pale cheeks.
“Ally, you know how much Daddy loves you, baby girl. I know you do.”
“But the Grandmother lady said that you made me with Aunt Claire in a glass thing and that Daddy made Lulubug so Daddy is only her Daddy.”
Loathing rises up like bile and Ben closes his eyes for a moment. He’s going to call Lena as soon as he gets downstairs and God help him he’s going to let Janice know exactly what he thinks of her tomorrow. What the hell is wrong with that woman? Shaking, he gathers Ally against his chest.
“Ally, you know Jeff and Debbie and their baby, Luke?” He waits until she nods. “And you know they went on a long trip to get Luke from another country, remember?”
Jeff and Debbie Simons live two houses down from them and a year ago adopted their infant son Luke from Somalia. Ally has been fascinated by Luke and they’ve had a lot of conversations about adoption. Ally nods again.
“Luke is their baby, isn’t he? They’re his mommy and daddy even though they didn’t make him.”
“Yes,” she whispers. He can see understanding beginning to surface in her eyes and her lower lip is already trembling. Forces himself to continue.
“Yes, I made you with Aunt Claire, but Daddy is your Daddy.” Ben decides to leave the mechanics of in vitro out of the conversation for a while, like, say, the next decade. “Your Daddy loves you so much, Ally. He loved you even before you were born. Did you know he was the very first person to see you? And I know he’s really sad right now because he thinks you don’t love him anymore when he loves being your Daddy more than he loves anything else in the world.”
Tears spill over and she burrows against his chest, trembling and sniffling.
“Honey, sometimes when we’re mad we say mean things to people we love even if we don’t mean to. We’ll figure it out, you’ll see.” Ben tightens his arms around her and begins to rock. After a few minutes the sniffles taper off and her breathing evens out; when he looks, she’s asleep. He lays her on the bed and pulls the quilt up from the foot to cover her.
✽ ✽ ✽
Alex is sitting in the courtyard, Lucy on his lap and sucking on a rusk, Bart at his feet with a bone. He looks up when he hears Ben come through the door and nods at the two glasses on the table. One has two fingers of scotch in it and Ben picks it up with a grateful smile. His own glass has half the amount, but he notices Ben’s raised eyebrow anyway. He rarely drinks scotch, opting for port or wine when Ben pours himself one. But it’s been a long day.
“Are you okay?” Ben asks, sinking into the chair beside him and sipping his drink.
Alex rolls his eyes.
“Me? I’m great. My mother is the world’s biggest bitch and our daughter hates me.”
“She doesn’t hate you.” Ben sighs.
“Ben, you were there, you heard her.”
“Oh come one, she’s four. About the only thing she really hates is broccoli. She wanted to score a point and got lucky by parroting your mother because you said no to the kitten. Come on, baby, you know this. Like I said, she’s four, you’re thirty fucking six. You’re the adult in this situation for God’s sake.”
Stung, Alex lets out a frustrated huff and watches the ocean for a moment, lips clamped white against his anger and fear. Beside him there’s a snort of laughter and he looks at Ben from the corner of his eye.
“What?”
“I always figured that if we had this conversation, you’d be the one telling me I’m the grown up.”
Unable to help himself, Alex smiles. He asks if Ally is okay and nods when he hears she’s asleep.
“Baby, come on,” Ben reaches for his hand, “she didn’t even know what she was saying, not really. She was just pissed about the kitten.”
“Yeah, that’s easy for you to say, she didn’t say it to you. She didn’t tell you, you’re not her Papa.”
Ben eases Lucy from Alex’s grip and holds her on his lap, grinning when she bounces up and down, flexing her chubby legs and gurgling.
“No, but I’ll get my turn. This one could say it to me just as easily.”
Alex frowns; that hadn’t occurred to him.
“Mom always said you weren’t a parent until your child said they hated you,” Ben settles Lucy against his chest and picks his glass up.
“Bette Davis said that actually,” Alex says, “and I can’t imagine you telling Allie you hated her.”
“I was thirteen I think.”
Surprised, Alex turns to Ben, mouth gaping. Ben and Allie had been so close, he’s always assumed they’d had a trouble-free relationship.
“I wanted to go the movies with friends and she said no because I hadn’t done my chores. We had a big fight and I told her I hated her.”
Still unable to believe it, Alex gulps half his whiskey down, shuddering against the burn in his gullet.
“You told her you hated her over a movie?”
“What? It was Jurassic Park. Oh, come on, stop looking at me like that. I was thirteen.”
Alex studies the sea again for a moment. It’s high tide and a light breeze has whipped up white caps on the water.
“I’ve never told my mother I hate her. Not out loud.”
“Well God knows if anyone has the right to do that, it’s you.”
Alex can’t think of anything to say to that. Instead he just reaches across the small gap between them and rests his fingers on Ben’s arm. In silence they watch the wind send ripples dancing across the bay.
✽ ✽ ✽
Alex wakes to a cold foot against his thigh. Through sleep heavy lids he can see Ally’s head on the pillow next to his. Behind him, Ben’s soft snores continue.
“Hey monster,” Alex whispers, lump in his throat. The echo of earlier still stings but he’s not going to make her feel worse if he can help it. He’s not his mother.
“Hey Daddy,” she whispers back, and he has to bite his lip at the word. Little fingers reach out to rub the collar of his tee-shirt. “I don’t hate you.”
“I’m glad. I don’t hate you either.”
“And you are my Daddy.”
He nods unable to speak, watching her decide what to do next. In the gloom he can see her struggling and reminds himself she’s only four.
“Papa said sometimes we say mean things to people we really love.” She presses up against Alex and he encloses her in the circle of his arms, relief coursing through him.
“Yeah?” He can feel Ben shift behind him, knows he’s awake and listening. “Sometimes he can be pretty smart. You want to say here tonight?”
Ally nods and cradles up against him.
“I love you, Daddy,” she murmurs between yawns.
“I love you back, baby girl.”
When her breathing has evened out, he looks back over his shoulder and is unsurprised to find himself staring into Ben’s eyes.
Within minutes they’re all asleep.
✽ ✽ ✽