37
Alex opens his eyes. See’s Ben’s shoes in front of him but can’t look up. He’s too ashamed. Too afraid. Afraid of his mother. Afraid of what she’ll do now that everyone knows. Afraid he’ll look up and see the disgust and loathing he feels, mirrored in Ben’s eyes.
Ben drops onto the ground beside him and reaches an arm around his shoulders, trying to pull him closer but Alex won’t let him. Can’t let him. Instead of dropping his arm, as Alex expects, Ben increases the pressure, forces him to turn and bury his face in his neck, murmurs that he’s there and everything gives way.
Sobbing, Alex clings to him, all defenses gone. Ben’s voice washes over him, fingers combing through his hair as he tells him over and over that he’s going to be okay. That Ben has him. That she can’t hurt him anymore. Finally, the worst of it eases off and Alex sits up, still unable to look at Ben.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Ben asks.
Alex plucks a blade of grass and runs his nail along it, splitting in two, while he tries to find his voice.
“At first, I was just scared that if you knew how damaged I am, how broken, you wouldn’t want me anymore. Couldn’t love me.” His voice trails off and he discards the shredded grass. Ben’s fingers are warm on his skin when he turns his face to look at him.
“I know now,” he says in a low voice, “and I still want you. I told you a long time ago that nothing you could tell me would ever stop me loving you.”
“But…”
“No buts, baby. I wish I knew what to do so you could trust me but I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”
Alex wants to believe him, but everything is too raw, too exposed. The fear of what his mother will do now that everyone knows is too strong.
“Everybody knows, Ben, and you don’t know what she’ll do, what she’s capable of, what she can…” He can hear the hysteria rising in his voice but is helpless to stop it. Ben grips his shoulders and leans forward, so they’re looking into each other’s eyes.
“She’s in jail, baby, and she’s not going to get out for a long time, you understand? Nobody is going to find her not guilty now. She can’t do anything to you or to Matt or to the girls, okay?”
Alex searches his face, mouth trembling.
“Or to you?”
Ben smiles.
“Or me. She’s not going to get away with it, not now.”
Alex sniffs and nods, rests his forehead against Ben’s shoulder again.
“I lied to you,” he whispers, “And if I hadn’t she wouldn’t have been able to hurt Ally. It’s my fault Ben. All of it is my fault. She’s right – Matt shouldn’t have saved me.”
He hears the sharp intake of breath and cringes away only to be pulled back against Ben’s chest. His voice in his ear is slow and filled with anger.
“Don’t you ever say anything like that again, Alex. The girls and I don’t deserve that. I guess I understand why you didn’t tell me, and we’ll talk about it when this is over, but we don’t deserve that kind of shit, so don’t you ever say anything like it again.”
Alex searches his face, looking for the rejection he’s sure he’ll find but all he sees is sadness. Ben reaches for his phone.
“Matt? We’re in the park opposite the pre-school, can you come and get us? Drive us back to my car?”
✽ ✽ ✽
When the car pulls up, Matt gets out and waits while Ben coaxes Alex into the back seat with him. Claire turns, opens her mouth to speak but when Ben shakes his head, closes it again.
“I’ll drive you two home, then Claire and I will come back and get your car, Ben. Okay?”
Ben thinks it over and then nods. Still holding Alex to his side, he phones Fiona and asks if she can collect the girls from preschool and daycare and take them to McDonalds while he gets Alex settled. When he hangs up, he sends her a quick follow up text outlining the day’s events, telling her not to just let herself in when they arrive. The last thing they need is Ally running in to her daddy and being frightened. Or for Alex to have yet another thing to reproach himself for.
The rest of the trip home is quiet and as they turn into the driveway Ben notices Alex is asleep. He gives him a gentle shake and helps him from the car, leads him inside as Matt and Claire drive away.
Alex is shivering, body wracked by tremors, teeth chattering. Ben eases him onto the sofa and pulls the cashmere blanket from the back and drapes it around his shoulders.
“I’m going to make some tea and I’ll be right back.”
He adjusts the air conditioning to warm as he leaves the room and when he returns is pleased to see the trembling has eased if not stopped. Places the tea on the coffee table and sits down. There are tears on Alex’s cheek again and Ben wipes them away with his thumb.
“The girls…” Alex says, voice broken.
“Are fine, Fiona has them. You don’t have to worry.”
Alex nods.
“Drink your tea, baby.”
He links his fingers in Alex’s and sips his own drink.
✽ ✽ ✽
Alex has dozed off again when Ben hears the cars pull up. Matt and Claire come in and he raises a finger to his lips, to avoid waking him. They nod their understanding and as Claire moves to close the door behind them, another car pulls up. Ben slides out from under Alex and goes to the door.
Ally bounds up the steps, eyes bright, waving a Happy Meal box.
“Hey munchkin,” he says scooping her up into his arms. “You have a good time with Fiona?”
“Yep. We had nuggets and ice-cream and I got a My Little Pony toy in my box. See?” She brandishes a bright pink plastic pony with a long curling mane and tail.
“You can put her on the shelf with your others later. Sweetheart I want you to listen to me, okay? I need you to be extra calm and quiet okay? Daddy has had a really bad day and isn’t feeling well.”
“Did he throw up again?”
Ben nods and smiles when she screws her nose up in disgust.
“Want to come and give him a hug?”
“Yeah,” Ally says, stretching to see the sofa.
Ben puts her on the ground next to the sofa and she doesn’t hesitate. Climbs up on the sofa and stretches out before anyone can stop her. Alex opens his eyes and Ben hates seeing the way they fill with tears when he sees Ally’s face.
“Papa said you don’t feel so good, Daddy,” Ally says taking his face in her hands. “Does your tummy hurt?”
“Hey monster. Yeah, my tummy is yucky today.”
“Poor Daddy. Can kisses help?”
Alex smiles.
“Yeah, I think they can,” he says.
Ally dots his face with kisses then pulls up and rubs her hand over his cheek, frowning.
“Don’t cry Daddy, we’ll make your tummy better,” she says. “I got a My Little Pony from MacDonald’s.”
“Did you? That’s good, I’m glad.”
“Hey Ally,” Claire says, crouching down. “How about you and I take Bart for a walk before bath time?”
“Can I Daddy?”
“Yeah baby girl, you go play with Bart.”
“I can give you more kisses when I get back.”
“I’d like that.”
Ben strokes her hair as she backs down off the sofa and takes Claire’s hand. He takes her place on the sofa, Lucy in his arms. Alex reaches out to rub a finger over her hand, smiles when she grasps it.
“See?” Ben says. “Nothing could stop us loving you.”
✽ ✽ ✽
Alex curls up on the bed, knees pulled tight to his chest, and pulls the covers up over his shoulder. The steady blinking of the baby monitor is hypnotic, and he focuses on it, trying to empty his mind of all the noise. The toilet flushes and the bathroom door opens, letting in a wedge of light for a moment. The mattress dips when Ben sits on the bed, there’s a moment of silence, then he slips under the covers and curls around Alex’s body.
Alex closes his eyes and wills himself to stop trembling. To not start crying again.
“I love you,” Ben says against his shoulder.
Alex nods, unable to speak, and turns to face him. He keeps his legs tucked up, forming a barrier between them.
Ben tucks a lock of hair behind Alex’s ear, letting his hand trail down his cheek.
“Baby, none of it was your fault. None of it ever.”
“I lied to you.”
“Yeah,” Ben concedes, rubbing his hand over Alex’s hip, “you did. But I think you did that out of self-preservation. I’m pretty damned sure you’ve never lied to me about anything else.”
Alex shakes his head.
“I just didn’t want you to know how … broken I am …”
“You’re not broken, Alex, or damaged. Little dented maybe, but you know, nothing major.”
Alex blinks, wants nothing more than to believe what Ben is saying. Begins to stretch his legs out. Ben takes a breath and speaks again.
“I think you need to see someone, baby, someone who can help you.”
Alex tries to pull back, but Ben won’t let him go, so he tucks his legs back up again instead.
“Listen to me. She did dreadful things to you, things that you couldn’t even admit to yourself let alone anyone else. She pushed you to suicide and did nothing to stop you. She stole our children.”
“You don’t think I can cope, that I’m not strong enough,” Alex says, grief flooding him again.
“No, that’s not it at all,” Bens soothes. “I think you’re in pain and I think you need someone to help you deal with that pain. You’re the strongest man I know, coping is your trademark. I don’t want you to cope anymore, Alex. I need you to be safe. I need you to heal, baby.”
“Ben, I …” he starts to protest then discovers he doesn’t have the strength to fight anymore. Nods. If seeing somebody means Ben will stay with him, still love him, Alex will see anyone he likes. “Okay. If that’s what you want me to do.”
“Thank you,” Ben says and presses a kiss to his mouth.
✽ ✽ ✽