40
Sunlight streaming through the window wakes Ben the next morning. To his surprise Alex has agreed to take the day off, so he’ll send an email to the day care center to say the girls won’t be in. They’re going to spend the day together, the four of them, doing as little as possible. Matt and Claire are calling in to say goodbye before heading back to the city and he’s given Fiona the day off. They could all use a break.
Beside him, Alex is stretched out, one hand thrown above his head, the other on the cover, breathing deep and even. He’d woken once in the night, trembling and afraid, curling into Ben the way Ally does when she has a bad dream. Now, Ben pushes himself up on one elbow to study his face. His high cheek bones are sharp beneath the skin and even in sleep, purple smudges beneath his eyes are still too dark for Ben’s liking. Gently Ben shifts a strand of hair stuck to the corner of his mouth, reluctant to wake him yet. Bart will need to go out soon enough and Ally will come in when she wakes but for now everything is still and calm. Even Lucy seems to have got the sleep-in memo today.
He leans down and brushes a kiss over Alex’s mouth, trying to just skim over his lips but he stirs anyway, and hazel eyes look up at him. Ben smiles.
“Morning.”
“Morning.” Alex bites his lip. It makes him look shy, reminding Ben of their first nights together and he rubs his thumb over the soft stubble on Alex’s jaw. Alex closes his eyes and leans into the touch. “What time is it?”
“About seven. Everyone’s still asleep so we may as well stay where we are for now.”
“Need to pee.”
Ben snorts and flicks the covers back, pushing Alex toward the edge of the bed.
“Go on then, hurry up or you’ll miss out.”
“On?” Alex calls over his shoulder.
“All the wonders that I have to offer first thing in the morning.”
Alex’s response is muffled by the closed door but Ben is confident it involves the word idiot. He clasps his hands behind his head and smiles at the ceiling. The toilet flushes, followed by the sounds of Alex washing his hands, then he’s padding back to bed, hitching at the pale green pajama pants riding low on his hips. Ben frowns at the jut of hip bone and wonders how much weight he’s lost this time. Please, let this really be over. Alex slides back under the covers and turns on his side to face him.
“I’m glad that it’s over but I hate that you know,” Alex whispers.
Ben shifts to a more comfortable position, linking their hands together.
“Why?” he asks. Waits while Alex seems to turn the question over in his head.
“Because it’s humiliating. I didn’t know how to stop her …”
“You were a little kid, Alex,” Ben protests.
“Yeah but when I got older, I was still too scared. Hell, Ben I was scared of her yesterday.” He blushes a deep red and he shuts his eyes for a second before opening them again and continuing. “I’m scared of her now. I shouldn’t be but I am.”
“Baby, you were a kid and she conditioned you to be that way. That you survived it and came out to be who you are is a miracle. You have no reason to be ashamed.”
“That time …. The one Matt talked about on the stand…” He bites his lip again and Ben shakes his head, pressing the tender flesh out from the bite with the pad of his thumb. “I don’t remember much about that night. I remember vomiting and when she hit me on the head and when she …” he stops, blinking hard, then sighs, “but I don’t remember the details. I know I was swollen for three or four days and everything hurt, especially peeing until the bruising went away. I think she might have got a fright that night too because she never got that out of control again.”
Ben hums something non-committal. He’s sure she did get a fright, but he’s worked on enough domestic violence cases to know Janice’s concern wasn’t with any pain or injury inflicted but about the possibility she might be caught. Alex is speaking again.
“When I saw that bruise on Ally’s leg I hated myself,” he says and Ben frowns, protesting the admission. “If I had just said something, just once, she wouldn’t have been able to hurt our daughter.”
Ben shakes his head.
“You can’t live like that baby. You don’t know that – like you always say, if you’d done anything different we might not have found each other. And you tried to warn us.”
“If I hadn’t lied to you, if you’d known then maybe she wouldn’t have had the opportunity.”
Ben sighs. Alex is stubborn when it comes to punishing himself but it’s not a trait they’ve seen often in the past few years. When Ally was learning to walk and would tumble a lot, there had been a few months of constant self-reproach that had almost driven Ben mad until one night he pointed out that bad parents didn’t worry about not catching every little trip and stumble.
“Okay, since you insist on taking the blame, tell me why you lied to me.”
Alex blinks.
“I did tell you. I didn’t want you know how broken I am, I didn’t want you to think you’d made the wrong choice.”
“You know something? I love you but damn I’m getting tired of the way you think I’m so shallow,” Ben says. His tone is mild but his annoyance is genuine. “We all come with baggage, yours is just a little heavier than most.”
“It was hard enough telling you about the razor blade,” Alex says. “I couldn’t take the idea of you pitying me or worse being ashamed that I hadn’t stopped it.”
Ben takes a deep breath. Knows he’s unqualified, hell he’s unprepared for this conversation, but that he has to try anyway.
“Alex, look at me. I got shot by the husband of a woman who was a domestic violence victim, a woman who was too afraid to leave him and nearly died because of it. I understand why you didn’t say anything, I think I even understand why you lied about it. What I don’t understand is what I need to do to get you to trust me.”
Alex’s eyes fill with tears and he hides his face in the crook of Ben’s neck.
“I trust you,” he says.
“Then let me help. You don’t have to give me the details if you don’t want to but let me help you find someone you can talk to. Someone who can help. And talk to me about the things you can talk to me about. I promise you, I won’t love you any less.”
Alex nods and Ben feels him relax a little in his arms. Rubs his hand up the back of Alex’s tee-shirt, humming against his temple.
“I should go for a run,” Alex says.
“I have a better idea,” Ben replies hoping to coax a smile from him.
“Of course you do,” Alex says, mouth twitching. The smile is gone before it can surface. “Could … would you mind if we just cuddled? I’ll go for a run later and maybe tonight we can …but could we just stay here like this for now.”
“Yeah, baby. Anything you want.”
FIN