27
Five hours last forever. Even an SUV becomes cramped after that long and Alex’s legs ache from being folded into the small space beneath the dash. Two hours ago, Ben offered to swap places, so Alex could stretch his legs along the back seat, and Alex refused, ignoring the discomfort for now.
Marsh has kept his foot on the accelerator since leaving the house, adding his siren to the rooftop lights when traffic slows them. Alex is about to ask if there is some way they can get news when Marsh’s cell phone rings. The detective taps his ear piece and waits; Alex looks out the window, running a finger over Ben’s hand.
When he’s finished, Marsh flicks his eyes sideways before licking his lips and speaking.
“Ally is in Browning General Hospital. It’s bigger than the one in Claymore and it’s an hour closer.”
“Is she okay?” Ben asks just as Alex asks if she’s awake. Alex tightens his fingers around Ben’s, willing himself calm. Watches Marsh nod and take his time choosing his words.
“She’s waking on and off, but the doctors are saying they’re not concerned, that it’s normal.”
Alex purses his lips and squeezes his eyes shut. It is normal. He knows that. If she’s waking up, if the dose wasn’t too high, she should be fine. He tells Ben this, uses his most professional voice, throws in medical terms to remind his husband that he does know what this stuff means in the hopes it will reassure him. Glances at the clock. Nearly two thirty.
Please, he begs in his head, please let her be okay.
✽ ✽ ✽
The hospital is a modern building, not unlike the rehab center Alex worked in when he and Ben met. He’s unbuckling his belt and opening his door before Marsh has even stopped the SUV, and is running up the steps, Ben behind him reaching for his hand before Marsh can tell them where to go.
At the reception desk he pants their names to the woman on duty and tells her they need to see their daughter. Marsh arrives, flashes his badge at her and she backs away from her desk.
“Yes of course,” she stammers checking her screen. “Her name is Alison, right?”
“Ally,” Alex and Ben say in unison. Alex trying to remain calm, reminds himself of all the times he’s had to be gracious and patient for parents of children he’d been caring for. After a moment she calls to a nurse and asks if she can take them to Ally’s room.
“Follow me.” Without waiting, the nurse leads them down a corridor to closed door. A female police officer is seated outside the door, looking bored and impassive. Marsh flashes his badge again and she stands, muttering apologies Alex bats away.
She swings the door open and they step inside.
Ally looks like one of her dolls in the big bed, eyes closed, mouth open, hands resting on the blanket. Soft, regular snores and the beeps of the monitor they have attached to her are the only sounds in the room.
“She snores just like you,” he says leaning over the bed, pulling Ben close to him at the same time. Ben looks from him to the bed and back, blinking back tears. Alex glances at the monitors and then back at Ben. Squeezes his hand and runs a finger along Ally’s cheek he clears his throat.
“Ally, come on baby girl. Time to wake up. I have Olaf for you. Come on monster, time to wake up.”
Ben perches on the bed and in a broken voice echoes the words; in a reversal of roles, he’s taking his cue, Alex understands, from him.
✽ ✽ ✽
Ben shifts from the bed to the empty armchair, dragging it closer so he doesn’t have to let go of Ally’s hand. Alex has picked up the folder of notes and is scanning them, pages flipping under his fingers, jaw tightening as he takes in the diagnosis. At the window, back to them in a clear attempt to give them some privacy, Marsh is talking into his cell phone in hushed tones.
“Alex?” Ben asks finally, unable to wait any longer.
“She’s been conscious twice for less than five minutes each since they brought her in. Looks like she gave a pretty strong dose, she was dehydrated but her kidneys are functioning normally.”
“And that means what exactly?” The words are sharper than he means them to be and Ben regrets them the minute Alex looks up. “I’m sorry, baby. It’s just…she looks so fragile, you know?”
Alex drops the folder on the foot of the bed and crouches next to him, rests his forehead on Ben’s knee. Ben smooths the hair that lays over his collar, tries to think of something reassuring to say but fails. It was one thing repeating, over and over, that Ally would be okay. It’s difficult to believe that when she’s unconscious, hooked to wires and tubes and so small in the huge hospital bed. He bites his lip and fights the urge to scream.
“We won’t really know until she’s fully conscious, but for now she seems fine.” Ben can hear the fear in the words. See the guilt in the upturned hazel eyes.
“How long?”
Alex shrugs.
“She’s been on the drip since she came in, her kidneys are working, and her urine output is good, which will help get the stuff through her system. She’ll probably be a little disoriented when she wakes, it might take some time for her to recognize people and figure out what’s going on. She might be a little nauseous. And Ben…” his voice trails off, eyes dropping back down. There’s the flash of guilt again.
“What?” Ben sits forward, tense, breath held. “Alex? What?”
“There’s some bruising,” Alex whispers. “On her legs, shoulder. No other signs of injury but…”
Ben can’t breathe. Red clouds his vision and he digs his fingertips into the shoulder beneath his hand. After a moment he’s aware of Marsh pulling on his arm and saying his name.
“Ben. Ben. You’re hurting him, man.”
Trembling, Ben looks at the hand gripping his forearm and then to Alex who has dropped to his knees, head bowed. Ben snatches his arm away from Marsh. Knows what Alex will be thinking but can’t stop himself.
“She hit her? Your fucking mother hit our daughter? Alex?”
“Ben, calm d…” Marsh tries to interrupt but Ben ignores him, ignores the shame trying to surface and steps closer to Alex.
“Answer me, Alex. Did your mother fucking hit her?”
Alex says nothing. His silence lays between them and when he stands, Ben takes a step back when he sees the anger in his eyes.
“I don’t have a mother,” Alex says and before Ben can react, the door slams behind him, leaving Ben and Marsh alone with the beeping of the heart monitor.
✽ ✽ ✽
The corridor is empty when Ben steps out, heart pounding, mouth dry. At the far end a glass door is still swinging and, on a hunch,, Ben goes in that direction. Just through the doorway are two public bathrooms, one door is slightly ajar, and he breathes a sigh of relief. Plasters his hand over the Men’s Room sign and pushes the door open. Alex is crouched in the corner, back against the wall, hands over his face, panting. Ben leans against the sink, bracing himself with his hands on the stainless steel.
“I was way out of line just now and I’m really sorry. I’m tired and I’m worried and I’m pissed …”
“I deserve it,” Alex offers, still not looking up.
Ben’s rage boils over and he’s helpless to stop it.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. How many times and ways do I have to say I don’t hold you responsible for your mother? How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t think you’re her and that I love you before you’ll fucking believe me? It’s exhausting Alex – trying to remember what not to say to you. You just walked out on us. On me. On our daughter.”
“Because…”
“Because I’m an asshole and I’m scared and I’m angry and I took it out on you. And I’m sorry, okay? It’s what people who are married do. You can’t keep pulling away every time I fuck up. That isn’t fair. She’s my daughter too and that fucking bitch hurt her, and she won’t wake up and I can’t even … can’t…”
Alex is on his feet, arms winding around him, and Ben lets go. Weeks of tension flood through him as he lets Alex take his weight. Guilt for not calling Lena immediately, for not believing Alex when he’d warned them, conjures up the image of Ally, pale and silent, eyes closed. Rage at the thought of Janice touching her, touching Lucy, hurting them, wracks his body with shivers. Beneath it all is the realization of what Alex had endured growing up, what it had done to him, and how little he, Ben, had really understood it.
“I don’t know how to do this,” he gasps.
“Do what sweetheart?” Alex asks against his head.
“Be strong against her. Fight her. Get through this. I don’t know how to do this and you … you’ve been doing it all your life and … and …”
“Ben, you don’t know because I never told you. I didn’t think I would ever have to tell you what she was like. The things she did. But if I had, this might not have happened.”
Alex starts to move away and Ben clutches at him, terrified if he lets go he’ll never get him back. Swipes his arm over his wet cheek and tries to catch his breath.
“I hate her, Ben. I hate her,” Alex says. “I wish she was dead, I know that’s a terrible thing to say about anybody, but I do. I walked away because I can’t think of any other way to keep you guys safe from her. She’s doing this because of me.”
“Yes, she is,” Ben says, ignoring the flicker of pain in Alex’s eyes, “but that isn’t on you, it’s on her. Back when we started this, you said you wanted to try. That means you don’t get to just walk away with some half assed idea that you’re protecting us. Someone has to stay and show us how to survive this shit. Someone has to be there for us. For me. I need you.”
He closes his eyes and slumps back against the sink. A hand cups his cheek and he leans into it. Opens his eyes. A forlorn smile flicks at the edge of Alex’s mouth.
“Ben, the thought of anything happening to you or the girls…”
“We need you baby,” Ben repeats and when Alex nods, relief surges through him.
They might survive this.
✽ ✽ ✽
Ben pinches the bridge of his nose and fights a yawn. They’ve been here for over an hour with no change. The beep of the heart monitor is relentless and sets his teeth on edge. Alex is sitting on the bed next to Ally, telling her a story and Ben can’t decide if it’s comforting or depressing. God, he wishes she would wake up.
Marsh has gone out to the waiting room to make calls and see if they’re any closer to finding Janice and Robert – and far more importantly Lucy. Ben can’t remember ever feeling so helpless. When his mother was sick, there was at least something he could do even if it was sign checks or make coffee. This sitting and listening to that damned monitor is torture. He rests his elbows on his knees, drops his head into them with a sigh and tries to focus on the sound of Alex’s voice.
“Ally? Ally, you awake? Come on baby girl, time to wake up.”
Ben jerks to his feet at the words and leans over Alex to see what’s happening. Ally’s eyelids flutter and she smacks her lips. Mutters something he can’t quite hear.
“Munchkin? You awake?”
Alex slides off the bed, so they can both see her. Taps her face with his fingertips, eyes darting back and forth from the monitor. Ben grips the sheet, biting his lower lip hard enough to draw blood. Twisting from side to side beneath the sheet, Ally moans, her lids lift, and Ben sees himself reflected in dazed green eyes.
“Hey baby girl,” Ben says, fighting relieved tears.
“Papa,” she murmurs before her eyes slide to Alex’s face and fill with tears. “Daddy.”
Alex’s face falls and Ben can see panic rushing over it.
“Daddy, you came. She…she said you wouldn’t come and get me and that you’re not my daddy and you don’t want me.” Her chest hitches with a sob. “The…the grandmother lady said…she said…”
Ben feels the shudder rock Alex’s body and puts an arm around him to pull him forward.
“Baby girl,” Ben whispers, “no, that’s not true. We both missed you so much and your daddy has been reading you stories all afternoon and he brought Olaf. Don't you ever believe anyone who says we don't love you.”
When Alex buries his face in the sheet next to her, Ben lifts her hand and places it on his head. Covers it with his own before reaching for the bell cord and calling a nurse.
✽ ✽ ✽
When the nurse comes in, Ben is sitting on the edge of the bed holding Ally’s hand. Alex is on the side, one hand stroking her hair, the other taking her pulse. Ben shrugs when he sees the nurse’s surprised look.
“Pediatric nurse. Can’t help himself.” He offers her a weak grin. The grin widens when he hears a quiet idiot muttered from the other side of the bed. It fades just as fast when Ally presses against him, hiding her face in his shirt.
“Hello Ally,” the nurse says, unconcerned as she reaches for the stethoscope around her neck. “My name is Julie and I’ve been looking after you. You had a really big sleep; how do you feel?”
“Hungry,” Ally says, “and I want to go to the bathroom. Really bad.”
The nurse nods and offers a distracted smile as she listens to Ally’s heartbeat.
“You know you’re wearing a diaper,” she says, and Ben is amused by the look of horror on his daughter’s face.
“Ewwwwww. I’m not a baby,” she says pushing the covers back to check for herself if this indignity is real. “Lulu bug wears diapies, not me. I’m a big girl.”
“Shhhh, it’s okay, monster,” Alex says against her head. “It was only while you were sleeping. We can take it off now, so you can go to the bathroom, but if you can’t hold on, it’s okay.”
Ally is already tearing at the sticky tapes on the diaper, her movements provoking a series of frenzied beeps from the monitor.
“Daddy,” Ally turns to Alex in horror, “take it off. I’m not a baby. Lucy wears diapies, not me. Take it off.”
Bending to help her remove the offending article, Alex brushes against her shoulder and Ally hisses and jerks away. Oh God, bruising. Alex said the notes mentioned bruising. Certain he doesn't want to see, Ben lifts the collar of the hospital gown aside, so he can see her shoulder. There are four splashes of purple just below her shoulder and he frowns. Weird. They're small, no bigger than ...oh God, he knows what they are. Tugs the gown away from the front of her shoulder and see the single purple smudge. Finger marks, they're finger marks. He glances up. All the color has left Alex's face and he looks as though he might vomit. To be honest, Ben's not sure he himself won't vomit at the just the thought of someone gripping Ally so tight they leave bruises. He fumbles for his phone and pulls up the camera, snaps three quick pictures both sides.
"Evidence," he snaps when the nurse asks what he's doing.
"Ally," Alex says, perching on the edge of the bed and taking her in his arms, "can you tell me where else she ... the grandmother lady ... hurt you."
Wide green eyes filled with tears and fear move between the two men. Ally's lower lip trembles as she lifts the gown up. Emerging from the edge of the diaper and stretching about three inches down her thigh, is a dark, painful looking bruise.
"She said I was very bad because I was crying because I wanted to come home. And she hit me with her hairbrush." Her lower lip trembles and Ben vows, not for the first time, that his mother-in-law is going to pay.
"Ally, listen to me," Alex says, voice trembling, "You're not bad. You're very brave and I will not let her hurt you ever again, okay? I promise."
Ally nods but says nothing. After a second, she squirms and reminds everyone she needs a bathroom.
Ben waits while the nurse removes the diaper, checks the bruise, and adjusts the monitor cables, then lifts Ally from the bed.
“You okay to walk munchkin, or do you want me to carry you?” he asks. She tightens her arms around his neck and he takes a moment to just breathe her in, holding her tight against his chest, gripping the pole with the drip. “Daddy is going to stay and talk to the nurse and he’ll be here when we get back, okay?’
She nods against his shoulder and he reaches over the bed and squeezes Alex’s hand.
“We’ll be right back.”
✽ ✽ ✽
When the nurse leaves the room, Alex sinks to the bed and passes a hand over his face. He doesn’t know if his mother uses the same hairbrush now that she used when he was a child, but it wouldn’t surprise him. And if it’s not the exact one, it will just be a newer one. It will be the same model. Large, flat backed, paddle brush. Boar bristles set in a heavy wooden handle. He remembers his father complaining once that it cost more than his shoes. Oh yes, Alex knows the hairbrush that was used to punish his daughter. Knows how big it is, especially on a small leg. How heavy it is. The sound it must have made when it … with a groan he dives for the waste paper basket in the corner and throws up into it.
✽ ✽ ✽
“Better?” Ben asks as the bathroom door swings shut behind them and they make their way back to the room. Ally still doesn’t want to walk which is fine with Ben. Right now, he’d be happy to never let her go. Knows Alex must be feeling the same.
“Where’s Lucy?” Ally asks. Ben sighs; he’d been hoping to avoid that question.
“She’ll be coming home soon.”
“She’s still with her, isn’t she?” She leans her head against his. “She’s mean, Papa. Really mean. And she says mean things about Daddy all the time. “
Ben strokes her hair and hums against her temple, hoping to soothe her as he pushes the door to the room open. Marsh has returned and is with Alex by the window, he smiles and nods as they come in. The scent of disinfectant clogs his nose and beneath it a faint acidic smell. He looks over at Alex who shrugs and looks resigned. After a moment’s hesitation, Ben crosses the room, dragging the drip behind them, and leans toward Alex. Ally lets herself be transferred to her younger father’s arms and Ben watches as Alex closes his eyes, pressing his head against hers. He reaches out to rub his back.
“The doctor is going to come and check you over, monster, and you have to stay here tonight whil…”
“No,” Ally shrieks, rocking in his arms, cheeks already wet with tears. “No. No. NO. I want to come home with you and Papa. I don’t want to stay here. No. No. NO. Daddy please don’t make me.”
Marsh looks distressed as her sobs increase in volume and Ben tries to stop her moving, worried she’ll tear the drip from her arm. Raises an eyebrow at Alex.
“Ally, honey, it’s okay, shhh, it’s okay,” Alex rubs circles over her back in an attempt to calm her. “It’s okay, Papa and I are going to stay here with you. The nurse said we can. They're going to bring a bed for papa to take a nap on.”
Still sobbing, Ally peeks out from the crook of his neck.
“What about you Daddy?” she hiccoughs. “Where's your bed?”
Ben smiles and kisses her head.
"Don't worry, if Daddy is too big to fit in my bed with me, he can share yours," he says and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, then does the same thing to Alex. She protests that Alex is too big for her bed too.
"Oh well," Alex says with a melodramatic sigh, "I suppose I'll just have to sleep on the floor. Or in the closet. Upside down. Like a bat."
Ally giggles and Ben thinks it's the greatest sound in the world.
✽ ✽ ✽