Chapter Nineteen – Leah

I brush my hand along Patrick’s, trying desperately to find the spark. I know that it’s dulled compared to what I feel with Zane, but that’s because we have a history. I’m a teenager around him. I’m an adult with Patrick and I want to find the damn spark with him! It’s utterly frustrating that I’m getting a whole load of nothing.

“Are you okay?” Patrick asks me quietly. “Are you not enjoying this program? I can change it if you want.”

He seems to think that me touching him is an indication that I’m bored which is annoying. I mean, I am bored of this show, I’m not even watching it at all but that hardly matters. I know Patrick will want to watch it through to the end anyway. Once he gets into a box set, he prefers to watch it to the end even if it’s rubbish, even if he doesn’t like it. If he’s invested his time into anything, he has to see it through. That’s just the person he is.

“No, it’s okay. Leave it on.” I curl my knees up to my chest and I snuggle deeper under Patrick’s arm. It’s a warm and safe place to be, I do like it. “I’ve just missed you that’s all. It feels like it’s been a while.”

“We don’t usually see each other for this long. I wonder why you’ve missed me…”

As Patrick muses this, I roll my eyes to myself. Can’t he be a bit more romantic about things? Can’t he scoop me up in his arms and just tell me that he misses me too? Can’t he just… I don’t know do something, let me know how he feels. It feels like something is missing here and I don’t like it at all. I want to drag it out of us.

I cock my head up towards him and kiss me. I start off with a chaste touch of the lips but I soon hook my hand around the back of his neck and deepen it. I dart my tongue into his mouth and really amp things up. It feels good, I can sense a bit of a stirring in the pit of my stomach, maybe this isn’t as flat as I first thought…

I push myself up and swing one leg over Patrick as I get carried away. I roll my hips into his trying to give Patrick the idea that I’m really in the mood now. It’s time to forget about the television and to really get down and dirty. I need Patrick to drive himself into me hard and fast, to make me forget about anything, and more importantly anyone else. Just as I hook my fingers under his tee shirt, ready to take things to the next level, Patrick rests his hand on my chest and he pushes me backwards just a little bit. I can see confusion in his eyes, which instantly cools down all the burning that’s sizzling within me. I shrink in on myself and wait for him to speak.

“I didn’t think that you were enjoying this,” he says with a bland smile. “Let me turn it off.”

I slide backwards, trying to get off him but Patrick holds onto the back of my butt to keep me in place.

“What are you doing?” he murmurs. “Why do you think that you’re going anywhere?”

I feel torn. On the one hand, he sounds like he wants to actually have some fun with me, he’s even paused the box set for me, but on the other he’s doused my mood right down. I don’t know if I can get myself back to where I was. I’m embarrassed that he stopped me, I feel like he really killed the vibe, and it’s just because he had to pause the program that he’s been watching. He can’t even let go of his stickler routine for just a moment.

“I need to move,” I tell him coldly. I don’t know why I’m acting like this, I know this is his personality. What the hell is wrong with me? And more importantly, why can’t I stop? “I need to… get a drink.”

I grab my mug and suck back the water in it. Patrick only drinks water because it’s so good for him, so I do the same when I’m at his place. Anywhere else is a different matter, but here, it’s water all the way.

“Are you okay, Leah?” Patrick actually sounds concerned now. He twists his body so he’s looking me in the eyes. “You look like you’re upset. Have I done something? I didn’t mean to offend you…”

The thing is I know this is the truth. Patrick never does anything to offend anyone. He’s more than the nice guy, he’s the nicest guy on the planet. But still, I’m wound up and I can’t seem to help myself.

“I just need to go to the bathroom, alright?” I snap while standing up. “I just need a minute away.”

“Away from what?” he calls after me. “Leah, away from what?”

“From you.” I hate myself as soon as I say that, but it’s too late. The words are out there. I part my lips, ready to apologize for everything, but for some reason the words fall apart on my lips and I end up saying nothing.

I stalk towards the bathroom with my hot blood tearing through my body. I feel like everything has churned up, my stomach is all over the place, my heart is racing, and not in a good way. I’m all mixed up and if I’m not careful I’ll end up taking that out on Patrick. He doesn’t deserve that, he hasn’t done anything wrong. I need to calm the fuck down, get my brain straight, then continue on with the perfectly lovely evening that I’ve been having. I’m the one who’s ruining it. Not him, and it’s all because Zane’s presence has confused me.

Once in the bathroom with the door closed behind me, I grip onto the sink and I pant desperately. I stare at my reflection in the mirror trying to fine me. I don’t even recognize myself, I look like a wild eyed crazy person. My cropped hair is flinging wildly around my face, my make up looks oddly smudged, I feel like I’m buzzing and vibrating in the worst way possible. Everything about me is all over the place, it’s horrible.

Get it together, I warn myself. Stop acting like a fool. Patrick has not done a damn thing wrong.

But it feels like he hasn’t done anything right either. At least, not when it comes to me. It feels like he isn’t right for me at all. Mandi has tried to tell me over and over again, but I haven’t listened. I didn’t want to hear it.

What is wrong with you? I ask the weird mirror version of myself. What is going on?

I don’t want to attribute it to Zane coming back, I really don’t ever want to put that much power in his hands, but his return has highlighted a lot of things about my life that I really don’t want to consider. Everything that everyone’s told me is the truth. Patrick is a nice guy, a really nice guy, but he isn’t the one for me. The image of us married with kids won’t ever happen because I will end up growing resentful before then. He’s the perfect guy for someone, that image is wonderful for someone else, it just isn’t me. It’s never going to be me.

I hang my head low as that realization hits me. Now that I know me and Patrick aren’t ever going to work, I need to tell him. I won’t be able to be fake around him, it isn’t fair on either of us. I really didn’t plan to come here tonight and break up with Patrick, we’re supposed to be getting the spark back…

But the spark hasn’t ever been there, so how can I get it back? The short answer is I can’t.

Shit, I think with a sad shake of my head. What the fuck am I going to do now?

A tear leaks out of my eye as I realize that this is the end of an era. Just because I know now that my relationship with Patrick is tainted and pretty much over, that doesn’t mean it isn’t sad. I’m saying goodbye to a lot of things, the life that I thought I was going to have, and I’m going to have to hurt Patrick too. He isn’t going to be expecting this and it’s going to suck. I squeeze my eyes shut just trying to prepare myself for how gutted he’ll be.

This is horrible, he doesn’t deserve this. Why has this had to happen? I can’t even blame anything really, because I know this would have happened eventually. I suppose it’s better that it’s only six months in rather than six years when we’re married with a couple of kids running around our feet.

I take one deep breath, then I push the door open and I face what I really don’t want to.

“Patrick,” I say, wanting to get it done quickly. “I don’t know if this is going to work.”

“What, tonight?” He purses his lips thoughtfully. “You might be right. It’s going to mess up the routine.”

Yep, much as this sucks I am definitely doing the right thing! I don’t think I can live to a schedule again.

“No, I don’t just mean tonight. I mean us.”

I wait for the penny to drop. It takes a couple of seconds, but his face eventually contorts into one of sheer agony. “What are you talking about, Leah? You cannot actually be serious. You mean us?”

I nod sadly, allowing the tears to continue falling. “I’m sorry, Patrick, but I think we’re done.”

“Because of what just happened then on the couch? That’s no reason to throw away six months.”

“No, it isn’t just because of that.” How do I speak about this? How do I make him understand? “It’s because we aren’t compatible. We don’t really have anything in common, we don’t shar any interests.”

“We share the gym,” he jumps in desperately. “You have your membership…”

“I’m never going to use that membership, Patrick, that’s the point. I don’t like the gym. I don’t want to sit around watching TV, I want to have adventures, I want to do something fun. I want to…” I don’t know how to finish that sentence because I don’t know what I want. “I don’t know, but it isn’t this.”

“I… I don’t know what to say,” Patrick gushes. “I don’t know how to make this right.”

“It isn’t you,” I reassure him. “You’re wonderful. You have been wonderful. I just can’t see us going the distance. I think once we’re this far in, we should start looking to the future and I can’t see it.”

“It’s not you, it’s me,” he says this cliché as if this is what I mean. “I see. So, there’s no coming back from this? There isn’t anything that I can do to change your mind?”

I wait for a moment, almost as if I want him to fight, to see if there is a spark there, but he doesn’t. He accepts that it’s over so readily that it confirms to me that we’re done. Me and Patrick are comfortable around one another but that doesn’t make us compatible. That doesn’t mean we have the chemistry needed to make things last. I have a feeling that if we were ever to come across any hardships, me and Patrick would fall apart. We don’t have that bond.

“No, Patrick,” I tell him with a sad smile. “I have had a wonderful time with you, but our journey ends here. It’s time for us to go our separate ways.”

I don’t like myself as those words come out my mouth, I feel bad, but it has to be for the best. It has to be.