Chapter Twenty One – Leah

I roll my neck, trying to get the strain out of it as I sit uncomfortably in my office chair. Sometimes, I don’t know what I’m doing here in this place, working for an office supplies company isn’t really for me, but it’s an easy job and it pays well. I haven’t ever delved too much into it, but now I’m starting to think that just like Patrick, it doesn’t challenge me. I guess ever since high school I haven’t done anything to really push myself and that’s made me kind of lazy. I know that I want to make changes, but I don’t know where to begin.

“I just heard,” Gloria, the girl with all the gossip, leans across to me and whispers. “That Helen is leaving. She’s off to do a college course online so she can start to be a teacher. How crazy is that?”

I mean, that isn’t the craziest thing that I’ve ever heard, but that’s just how Gloria is. She acts like everything is a huge deal. She’s the sort of person who will work here forever. I guess I didn’t ever put myself in that category but now I know that if I don’t do something soon, then that’s exactly where I’m going to end up.

“Oh, well that’s good news. She’s trying to make something of her life. Good on her.”

“Well, I heard,” Gloria isn’t ready to give up just yet. “That it’s all for a fella. She wants to impress a guy.”

I sigh loudly, suddenly realizing what this is about. She must have heard through the grape vine that I’ve spilt up with Patrick, just because things don’t ever remain a secret in a place like this, and she wants to know more. There’s no way in hell that I’m going to give anything away. I certainly don’t want to trash talk my ex boyfriend because he didn’t do anything wrong, I just want to be able to move on, that’s all. I want to get my head down and concentrate on moving forwards. Me and Patrick have pretty much had a clean break, we’ve hardly had any communication at all other than to get our stuff from each other, and that’s the way I like it.

“Oh right, well she can do what she wants for a guy, can’t she?” I shrug blandly. “Isn’t it up to her?”

“Why, what’s the weirdest thing that you’ve ever done for a guy? You must have been wild for Patrick. He’s hot. I can imagine that girls throw themselves at him all the time. How do you keep him?”

Urgh, God, she’s a nightmare. She doesn’t intend to let this go any time soon. The thing is, she’s right about Patrick, he is a gorgeous man, he will be with someone soon enough, I don’t have to worry. But then I didn’t want him enough to do anything wild for him and that tells me everything. There’s only one man I’d be nuts for. Not that I’ve seen much of Zane either, well I haven’t seen him at all since that weird morning which is just how I want it. I don’t want to be tempted by him. I don’t want to jump from relationship to… well, whatever it would be with Zane. He might have been the catalyst, but I need some time alone to get my head straight first. I need to get used to being alone first, I need to get reacquainted with me. It’s been a while, I think.

I miss Zane, there’s no denying that. I miss him more than I do Patrick, but I’m okay with waiting. Maybe in the end, it won’t even happen, who knows. At least I’m moving in the right direction in other ways.

“I don’t know, Gloria, and to be honest, I don’t want to talk about it. I have a report that needs to be in by the end of the day and I need to just get my head down.” That’s a lie and I also don’t usually act in such a rude way with anyone before, but I need her to shut the hell up. She’s driving me insane. “Thank you very much.”

She mutters under her breath about me, but I don’t care. I roll my eyes and ignore her. Gloria will have to make shit up about me rather than knowing the truth. It pisses me off, but I’d rather know that she’s not discussing the reality of what happened. Instead of focusing on it, I log onto the Internet and I look at these online college courses. I should have gone to college, I know it, but I saw the financial stress that Brandon put on Mom, unintentionally of course, and I didn’t want to do the same. But this I can do myself. By the looks of it, with a payment plan, I can fund it, I can work it around my life, I can change my life for myself.

I grow excited as I look through the courses, seeing things that I hadn’t even considered before. Creative writing, business management, fashion design… the list is endless. It all thrilling me and unleashes a spark in me that I didn’t know was there. I want this, I actually want to do this. It’s bringing me to life again. I can feel a stirring inside me that won’t be tamed, no matter what. I could even do one of these courses around this job too, if I wanted. But I have the desire to move forwards so badly that I don’t even want this. I don’t want to remain in this horrible toxic environment for another second longer. I can get another part time job as I work.

I push myself up from my chair and stalk towards the manager’s office with a determined look on my face. I need to get this done now while it’s fresh on my mind so I can’t go back on my choice. I need to hand my notice in so I know that I’m leaving this job because that will inspire me to keep on going. If I know that I have to do something, then I will. I’ll shake off the laziness, I’ll stop being settled and calm, I’ll start pushing myself. I don’t have anyone to push me, but that’s fine I can push myself. I can make myself better my life. It’ll be better if I do it anyway. It’s always preferable to boost yourself up because I know I can rely on me.

I knock on the door and make my way inside with a smirk on my face. I feel good about my choice. I’m going to do an online college course, I’m going to get a new job, I’m going to change everything. Maybe Zane turning up at the door wasn’t the worst thing in the world after all…

***

As I walk through the front door, I feel the need to decompress. That was intense, it wasn’t as easy as I thought it was going to be to hand in my notice. They actually tried to persuade me to stay, like I’m an integral member of the team or something. To be honest, if I hadn’t just suffered all that unpleasantness with Gloria, I might have been convinced but she has made it obvious for me that I need to get out.

Unfortunately, I’m not going to get any time alone because I can hear Brandon and Mom in the kitchen. As soon as I hear Zane’s name I give up my plan to escape up the stairs to hide away in my room. I know that I’m keeping my distance from him but I still want to hear what’s going on in his life.

“…so, yeah, he has his own custom bike shop now, that’s crazy, right? After all that education?”

I don’t hear Mom’s reply, she mumbles back to Brandon, but that doesn’t matter. I’m about to interject myself into this conversation and maybe even bring up my amazing news. I’m so excited that I’ve let go of the past and that I’m finally moving forwards. It’s scary but I feel really positive about my decision. I’m happy.

“Hi guys,” I say a little too brightly. “How’s it going? Who has a bike shop?”

“I’m talking about Zane,” Brandon replies with a sigh. “I can’t help worrying about him. I mean, he keeps saying that he’s really happy, but it’s strange, isn’t it? He is trained in medicine.”

I can’t imagine Zane doing something medical. Even thinking about him in college studying that was weird, but having a custom bike shop… that I can see. I can picture him in his leathers with rock music playing in the background, spraying and creating some incredible artwork on a ride. It’s his passion, it’s what he wants out of life, I get it. Brandon doesn’t but he has a level head on. He would rather do what’s smart than what he loves. That’s why he’s working towards law and is why him and Jenny work out so well. They are pragmatic together, it’s nice to see. But that isn’t Zane, he’s wilder and much more free spirited.

“Oh well, that’s nice,” I reply blandly, trying not to sound too interested. Brandon never mentioned it when he caught us almost doing… well, nothing really, but I’m sure it’s still there in the back of his mind. “And he must have done it alone too. Where did you say he has a store? Is it here, in town?”

“The old scrap metal place. And I think he has too. I know for a fact that his dad wouldn’t help him out with this, but that’s because it’s crazy, isn’t it? Wouldn’t he be better using his education? He’s trained to do something really important, really special, something that will make him a whole lot of money, you know?”

“It doesn’t really matter what he does,” Mom finally interjects, using the same tart voice she always used to use when it came to Zane when we were teenagers. I guess she hasn’t let go of her less than pleasant feelings for him, which is a shame. We’re all much more grown up now. “That boy has no hope. As soon as he started to go off the rails, his father should have done something about him. I mean, he has all the resources in the world.”

I roll my eyes and turn away from her, unable to listen to her bad mouthing him. It’s as if she doesn’t even realize the positive effect that he’s had on my life. I did intend to tell them about my plan if it came up, but now I’m not so sure that I should. I might end up chasing a creative dream too and apparently that’s not good.

“I don’t know, Mom, he’s a nice person,” Brandon tries to defend his friend. “He isn’t like that.”

“This shop is probably just a front for his gang. The gang that I always told you to keep away from. It’s just good that you’re working in the law now and you won’t get mixed up in any of it.”

As Brandon starts to argue with mom, the same row that they used to have all the time when we were kids, I stalk from the room and make my escape. I don’t want to go back five years, I want to move forward. I want to start looking into courses and to also look for another part time job. I still have two weeks until my notice runs out where I am, and I want to have something lined up in the mean time. I want to do that rather than worry about Zane and what he’s doing with his life. Even if he owns a sexy ass custom bike shop and he’s living his dream. Even if his touch was so electrifying that he made me feel things that I forgot I could.

No, I’m not thinking about Zane at all. I’m focusing on myself and the future for me. Right now, it’s time to be selfish and to remember that nothing else matters.