Chapter Three – Leah
“Urgh, Mr. Turner was a dick today, wasn’t he?” my best friend, Mandi, declares with an eye roll. “Does he not understand that no one in the world cares about maths, like he does? Honestly, what a douche bag!”
“Mmm, I know. Yeah.” To be honest, my problem with the day wasn’t any of the teachers, it was all the gossip that had been circulating all day long. Everyone was talking about the party last night and it wound me up. I couldn’t stand listening to it, especially since I hadn’t gotten any sleep. It cut me deep. No one had said much about Zane specifically, but I still didn’t like it. I’m not in their world, and it just reminds me that I need to move on. I don’t want to, there are so many reasons why I want to remain where I am because when it’s good it feels really good, but the bad parts are getting more painful and more regular. “Sure.”
Almost as if I’ve conjured him up by simply thinking about him, the rumble of a bike engine bursts loudly in the background. Without even thinking about my reaction, I spin rapidly and gasp as I see him. My heart instantly races at a million miles an hour, my body shudders and freaks out, I can barely stand, my legs are barely there.
Then, as if to make it worse, he skids his bike to the side of the road and he parks up next to me. Everything freezes as he lifts the helmet from his head, I can feel the breath getting stuck in my lungs.
“Hey there, little Hawkin,” he says with a playful smirk, killing me inside. “How’s it going?”
“Er, yeah good.” My entire face flames with a deep redness, which of course only makes me even more embarrassed. I can barely even look him in the eye as I speak. “How, erm, how was your day?”
I can feel myself stammering and making myself look like an idiot. It’s awful, why the hell can’t I be cool? Why can’t I be like the other girls in our class who are smooth and great at flirting? What is wrong with me? Especially when I’ve known this person for a very long time. I know Zane well, surely I should be okay?
“Oh, good. You know how it is.” Zane nods and scans his eyes over my head. “School is school.”
“You’ll be done with it soon. I bet you can’t wait?” I look up at him hopefully through my eyelashes as I finally find my voice. Not that I really know what I’m hoping for. “Then it’s out into the big wide world.”
“Yeah, I can’t wait.” He chuckles loudly. “It’ll be awesome to escape this madness. I think I’ll be over to yours in a bit after I’ve popped home, so I guess I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?” He rubs the top of my head, mussing up my hair in a gesture that’s a bit too friendly for my liking. Any attempt at flirting isn’t working, that much is clear. Not that I’m doing a good job of it anyway. “Good to see you, Little Hawkin. Always a pleasure.”
As he drives away, I feel myself stagger backwards with shock. My knees give out, my heart starts pumping again, hot blood races through my system. I can feel a burning heat in my ears, I’m a mess.
“Woah, are you okay?” Mandi chuckles while hooking her hand under my arm. “You’re falling apart.”
“I… I know,” I gasp while clutching onto my chest trying to calm myself down. “You know how it is.”
Mandi is very aware of my crush on Zane, she’s the only one that I’ve been able to confide in. Even if my mom was around more, I wouldn’t be able to talk to her about it because she doesn’t like Zane. She thinks he’s a terrible person who brings danger with him. Of course, that’s only because she hasn’t bothered to get to know him. If she gave him the time of day, I’m sure she would fall for him just like everyone else does.
“Oh, Leah,” Mandi groans. “You still got the feels for him? When the hell are you going to do something about that? You have felt like this for as long as I can remember and it isn’t healthy. You need to learn to speak, to flirt with him, to let him know how you feel. This is going to kill you of you don’t.”
I moan, knowing that she’s right, but I also understand that I can’t. “You know for a fact that I would love to, but I don’t have the confidence. And it’s also Brandon. He would truly lose his shit.”
“Oh yeah… remember when Max called your house that day?” Mandi gasps. “He wanted help with his science homework and he ended up with a barrage of abuse from your brother. That was wild.”
I’d almost forgotten about that, it seems like it happened forever ago, but that did happen. Max wouldn’t speak to me for a very long time after that. I don’t know what Brandon said to him, but it freaked him out. I’m sure a fight would break out between him and Brandon if it came down to it. No one wants that to happen.
“So, you see why I can’t talk to him about this?” I ask her with an eyebrow cocked. “He would flip.”
Mandi nods slowly. “I suppose you’re right. He wouldn’t like it. But that doesn’t mean you should hold back forever. I mean, what if this is the guy that you’re supposed to end up with?”
I sigh loudly, only wishing that could be the case. The problem is if I allow myself to start delving down that fantasy route I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to pull myself out of it. I’ll start imagining weddings and children, I’ll start getting myself all kinds of upset when it doesn’t actually happen in the end.
“He’s just a fuck boy, isn’t he?” I try to avert the topic in the best way that I can. “He screws around. He isn’t a happy ever after type. Ruining things with Brandon for a fuck boy isn’t the best idea.”
“Even fuck boys can be turned into good guys if they’re given the right woman.”
I do not want to think about the right woman, so I hook my arm through hers and I drag her along with me.
“Come on, let’s go back to mine, we can do some homework together. Brandon will cook for you.”
“Are you just asking me this because you need some support with Zane?” Mandi asks in a disbelieving tone, giving me a look. “Because I’m happy to do it, I just want to know what my purpose is?”
I suppose in a way that was what I wanted, but now I can see that’s dumb. If I’m actually going to pull my head out of my ass and forget about Zane then I need to start now. Clinging on to something that isn’t real, is pointless. Especially when it’s a potentially hurtful secret. It’s time to let him get away.
“No, we won’t even go downstairs. We’ll hang out in my room and eat there. Just us girls.”
Mandi smiles at me, almost as if she knows what this means. I know that it doesn’t matter what I go through, she will always be there for me. She’s one of those friends I’ll have for life. I’m really lucky to have her.
We half skip all the way back, giggling girlishly, and we instantly head up into my room. I’m careful not to drop anything on the stairs this time so I don’t have any reason to come back down again, at least not after I tell Brandon that Mandi is here to eat. Thankfully he doesn’t mind that at all. He’s happy for her to be here.
Once in my room, Mandi broaches the subject once more. “You know, everything that your brother does is because he cares about you. I’m sure if you told him what’s going on with you he would be okay.”
“Oh yeah? And how would I broach that? ‘Hey, Brandon, I like your friend who’s a play boy. You’re cool with us hanging out and hooking up?’ Sure, that will go down really well. Can you imagine it?”
“Well, I don’t think I would be so blunt about it,” Mandi laughs. “But maybe in a gentler way.”
I roll my eyes and ignore her, I know that I can’t. She knows it too, deep down, she’s just trying to be kind.
“Let’s not talk about it anymore,” I insist. “Let’s just get on with some work.”
We pull our books out and scatter them across the floor, and we get to work on the bits and pieces that we have to do, but I have to admit that I don’t totally let it go. I keep one ear towards the floor, trying to listen out for Zane. I hear Brandon pottering around a lot, but it’s very quiet. He’s always by himself. Zane hasn’t turned up which is weird. He always comes around, every day pretty much. And he said that he was going to come around when I spoke to him earlier. It feels really weird. I can’t work out what it might be.
Maybe it’s a crash. That thought suddenly pops up into my brain like an unwelcome worm. What if he’s crashed his bike? What if he’s dead somewhere? I shake my head rapidly. No, don’t be stupid. He’s probably just on a date or something. With some other girl. It’s nothing to worry about.
But as I walk down the stairs to let Mandi out, he still hasn’t turned up. Out the corner of my eye I can see Brandon sitting in front of the TV screen, watching what appears to be a gangster movie. As soon as Mandi’s gone, I go to join him with a questioning look on my face.
“You all alone?” I ask him carefully. “That’s rare. What’s going on?”
“Oh, well Zane had some of his own stuff going on tonight.” He looks a little tight lipped as he says this. “And I needed to sort through some letters from colleges anyway, so it’s all good.”
“College stuff? Any news?” He shakes his head while looking down. I don’t know why he’s so worried. He’s got the best chance ever to get into wherever he wants. “Oh, well you’ll get good news soon.”
I lean back on the chair and stare blankly at the screen, wondering what’s going on. Something must have happened, and I don’t know what it might be. Much as me and Brandon have a close relationship, because it’s more like parent and child rather than brother and sister, I don’t always feel like I can speak to him about stuff. There’s a wall in the way keeping us apart, which is a real shame. I’m sure if Dad was still here then things would be very different. If I really think about it. Every aspect of my life would be different, and probably in a better way. That drunk driver didn’t just destroy my father, he took away a part of all of us on that day.
“Mandi is a good friend to you, isn’t she?” he asked me quietly, seemingly still worrying about the long forgotten trouble I had with those girls what feels like a lifetime ago now. “I like her a lot.”
“Oh, she’s the best. I don’t know what I’d do without her.”
“Yeah, same for me and Zane. He’s been my rock.”
As if I didn’t feel bad enough, now I feel utterly awful. I need to stop these feelings before they threaten the few things that I actually have left!