Sean
SOMETHING IS GOING on with Paige. I haven’t figured out what’s setting her off, but I know it in my gut. It’s there in the tightness around her mouth, the tension in her body, and the faraway look in her eyes. I want to shake her and snap her out of it. We’ve been doing so good, and now I’m afraid she’s retreating again.
I haven’t seen her a lot this week between my work schedule and her plans with her friends, so I’m looking forward to dinner with her tonight. After picking up our food from this little Italian place down the street, I head toward her condo.
Paige has to be out of her place by this weekend, so I’ve already reserved a moving truck to load her things up in tomorrow. I’m trying to downplay how excited I am about the next step in our relationship, but I’m fucking stoked. My only hope is my lingering suspicions don’t rain on my parade.
“Hey,” she greets when she opens the door. She smiles but it doesn’t reach her eyes, creating a small ball in the pit of my stomach.
“Hey, gorgeous.” Leaning down, I give her a kiss before walking in. “I got portobello ravioli for you.”
“Smells good.” Even her voice is flat.
We both work in silence getting out paper plates and serving up dinner. Once we’re seated, I look around at all the boxes lining the walls.
“You just about packed up?” I ask.
“For the most part, yes.” She pushes her food around her plate, not taking a bite.
“What’s wrong? Is it not good?” When she looks up I gesture toward her plate.
“Oh, no, it’s fine. I’m just not that hungry.” Her eyes focus in on her untouched food again.
“Are you stressed about the move or something? You’ve been a little off lately.” I try to ease into the problem gingerly.
She lets out a tired sigh and I know whatever comes next isn’t what I want to hear. “I need to talk to you about that.” Setting my fork down, I brace myself. “I can’t move in with you.” It comes out as a whisper, but she might as well have screamed it. My heart drops and the knot in my stomach grows.
“Why?”
“I just think we’re rushing it. I need to pull back some and focus on other things.”
“Other things?” I can’t hide the hurt and insult in my tone. “What are these things?” I ask, getting angrier by the minute. “I’d like to know where I rank on the list of Paige’s priorities.”
“It’s not like that,” she defends.
“It’s not? Then tell me how it is, because all I see is a guy who has busted his ass to show you how much he cares only to be shot down at every fucking turn. If you don’t want me, just tell me and I’ll walk. I swear on your life I won’t bother you ever again. But I’m done with this back and forth bullshit. So what’s it gonna be, princess?” My chest heaves up and down as I stare at her, almost daring her to say she doesn’t want to be with me. I just hope she knows if she makes that call, there will be no going back for me. I’ll be done for good.
She starts laughing. Not in a ha-ha this is funny way, but in a holy shit I’m losing it way. Normally, I’d be somewhat alarmed, but my anger is clouding everything around me, covering it in red.
“You’re fucking selfish, you know that? Do you think this is a damn joke? To mess with people’s feelings and drag them along?”
I’ve wounded her with my comment, which is evident by the pain in the back of her eyes. But honestly, I don’t care. All she’s done is walk all over my heart. It’s time she gets a taste of her own medicine.
“Fuck this. You can’t give me an answer, I’m out.” I stand up with such force my chair topples over behind me. I don’t look at her as I snatch my keys off the counter and walk to the door.
“I have cancer.”
Three words are all it takes to bring my world to a halt. With one hand on the doorknob, I stop breathing. Surely I heard her wrong. Turning around slowly, I look at her. If it were possible, my heart shatters even more.
Suddenly, all the tension, melancholy, and mood swings make sense. “No,” I say as I shake my head. She nods in response. “When did you find out?”
“Two weeks ago.” She looks down like she’s ashamed for keeping this from me for so long.
My mouth falls open. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me sooner? Goddammit, Paige! I should’ve been there for you.” The thought of her sitting in the doctor’s office alone has me wanting to punch shit while hugging her all at the same time.
“I didn’t tell anyone. I was still trying to process it myself and wasn’t ready to talk about it. Saying it out loud makes it real.” She lets out a humorless laugh. “That probably sounds stupid. I mean, what could be more real than a doctor looking at pathology reports that confirm you’re sick. Anyway, I wanted more information from the oncologist too.”
“You wanted more information? How could you keep something like this from me? I share everything with you; meanwhile, you’re sitting on this shit?” Hurt doesn’t begin to explain how I feel. I’m wounded she couldn’t confide in me something so significant, and I’m destroyed by the possibilities of what she’s told me could mean.
“I’m selfish, I know! I wanted to hang on to the fairy tale a little while longer before it was wiped away by the truth, okay?”
She looks down at her hands as she picks her nails. “I was afraid it would be too much. You hear about people who leave their partners after they get sick all the time. I wouldn’t blame you for not wanting to take on that burden, so I waited. I just found out I have cancer, I wasn’t prepared to deal with losing you too.” Her voice shakes while her words about bring me to my knees.
Rushing over to her, I throw my arms around her and hold her tight. Her tiny body shakes in my embrace. “It hurts you think so little of me after all this time,” I admit. “But I’m not going anywhere.”
She pulls away and moves over to the couch as a barrage of questions circle my mind, but only one leaves my mouth. “What kind of cancer?” She’s young and healthy. She doesn’t smoke; she’s not out in the sun a lot. What could it be?
“It started as cervical cancer, but it’s in my uterus now too.”
“How bad?”
“Stage two.”
She gestures for me to sit on the couch with her and tells me everything the doctor said. She watches me with a careful eye, seeing if she’s going to scare me off, but it just makes me want to stay even more. I have to help her in any way I can. I want to be by her side the entire fight for her life.
“Why are you pushing me away then?” I finally ask.
“It’s just too much, Sean. I was doing some research on what to expect during chemo and everything else, and I can’t burden you like that.”
My teeth clench together as I grind my jaw. “You’re not a burden.”
“But I will be. Why would you want to deal with that?”
“Because I love you!” I all but shout at her.
Her eyes well with tears as she shakes her head. “No. Stop.”
“How do you not see that by now, Paige?” I interrupt her. “You’re always running from me and it’s time you stop. Let me be there for you.”
“This is different,” she whispers. “Before I was protecting myself, now I’m protecting you. Why would you want to stick around to watch me die?”
My eyes widen and anger passes through my body so fast it almost goes unnoticed. “Goddammit! You’re not going to die!” I growl at her.
She flinches, taken aback by my outburst. “You don’t know that, and I’d rather have you remember me like I am now, than the way I’ll look before I pass.”
I stand up abruptly, all this talk about her death stirring up unexplained emotions within me. I want to break shit. I want to take a baseball bat and smash everything within my reach. Why is this happening?
My hands rake through my dark blond hair and pull on the ends. If she thinks I’m walking, she’s got another thing coming. After I pace away my anger, I sit back down beside her where I notice a few tears rolling down her cheeks. Using my thumb, I wipe them away and cup her face.
“I thought you knew me by now, but since you don’t, let me clue you in on a few things.” Releasing her face and holding both her hands in mine, I say, “I’m a stubborn and determined bastard. I never take no for an answer and I have a whole slew of funny jokes. But most importantly, I never give up on the people I love. So unless you want me out of your life forever, you’re stuck with me.”
She sniffs before wiping her nose with the back of her hand. “There’s a good chance I won’t be able to give you certain things though. I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay if that happens.”
“Like what?”
“Kids. There’s a possibility the radiation could kill off all my eggs.”
My face remains stoic, but on the inside I’m wrecked. I want nothing more than to have a bunch of babies with Paige, but more than that, I just want her. “Look, let’s take this one step at a time. I’m just trying to get you to move in with me. We have plenty of time to discuss kids later.” I’m hoping the humor in my voice brings a little levity to the situation. If I have to fake it to make her feel better, that’s what I’ll do. I’m rewarded with an eye roll and the corner of her mouth pulling upward.
“In all seriousness, I can’t move in with you right now. Maybe in the future, but I have way too much going on and I can’t add one more thing to my plate.”
She delivers blow after blow and I honestly don’t know how I’m not flipping my shit right now. My brows pull down in confusion. “Is our relationship taxing for you or something?” The twitch of her lips shows she knows I’m kidding. Sort of.
“Not our relationship. Me.” She lets out a long sigh. “You know how I am. I get in my own head way too much and I don’t have the strength to talk myself off the ledge constantly when it comes to us.”
“Where will you go?” She has to be out of her condo this weekend.
“I’m going to put most of my stuff in storage, and Scarlett is going to let me stay in her extra bedroom.”
My heart aches knowing she’s talked this through with Scarlett and left me in the dark. “Do you love me?” I swallow hard afraid to hear the answer. Her eyes widen in surprise and I know putting her on the spot could backfire. Her mouth parts but nothing comes out. “Do you love me?” I repeat.
Maintaining eye contact, I see her grab courage by the balls, sit up straight and answer with absolute clarity. “Yes.”
“Do you know that I love you?”
Without hesitation, she says, “Yes.”
The shattered pieces of my heart come to life, but are weighed down by the distance she’s trying to wedge between us. “Then why can’t I be the one to take care of you?”
Her shoulders slump forward and I know she wants me to drop this, but I won’t. I can’t. I need to know why she’s pushing me away again.
“I already told you why.”
“No, you gave me some bullshit excuse. I want to know the real reason.”
She shakes her head, the pain clear in her eyes as she tries to avoid telling me the truth. “I can’t let you see me like that,” she whispers.
“Paige, nothing is going to make me think less of—”
“If you can’t respect that, then this isn’t going to work out.” Her focus remains on her hands as she diverts her gaze from mine.
Clenching my jaw, I realize I have two options. Be patient and take this at her pace again, or push the issue and risk losing her forever. I open my mouth to respond, hating that I’m about to concede to her. “Okay.” The relief on her face kills me. “Under one condition,” I add.
“What?” she asks with trepidation.
“No more secrets. You keep me in the loop from now on.”
“No more secrets,” she agrees.
Holding my arm out to her, she snuggles into my side.
“Thank you.” Her words cut through the silence.
“Anything for you, Paige. Anything for you.”
The rest of the night is spent quietly watching television, but neither of us pay attention to it. We’re held hostage by our thoughts until I go home later in the evening.
Once I get back to my place, I go to my bedroom and do something I haven’t done in I don’t know how long.
I cry.
I cry for the pain she’s about to endure, the injustice of it all, and the fear of the unknown. I have to believe she’ll knock cancer on its ass or I don’t know what the hell I’ll do. She’s the first woman I’ve ever cared about like this and the thought of losing her forever is crippling.
I just got her.
I’ll be damned if cancer thinks it’s going to take her.