Paige
DON’T GET YOUR hopes up.
Don’t get your hopes up.
I repeat this over and over as Sean and I head to Dr. Patel’s office. I wasn’t prepared last time. Subconsciously I thought I had beaten it, which only led to devastation when I found out I hadn’t. I’m trying really hard to go in with a different mindset this time around. I’m remaining positive, but bracing for the worst too.
I reach out for Sean’s hand as we take the exit for the hospital.
“Thank you,” I say out of the blue.
“For what?”
“For being there for me.” He doesn’t respond, only brings my hand up to his mouth and kisses the back of it.
He has helped me in more ways than I can count. I saw myself sinking into this dark abyss, and was powerless to pull myself out. Like always, he knows when I need him and was there for me. Even if I don’t win the ultimate war with cancer, he helped me win the battle against myself.
When he parks the car, my mouth goes dry and a sinking feeling hits my stomach. With each step we take to the doctor’s office, dread consumes me. “Whatever happens, it’s going to be okay,” Sean says to me after we’ve been called back to the room. “But no running or hiding. We face this head-on. Together.”
My eyes fill with tears as I stare at a man I don’t deserve. Pressing my lips together, I nod my head. Honestly, I don’t know what I’ll do if he tells me the cancer is still there. I’ve gone through every treatment and surgery recommended. I’ve put my body through more than I thought possible and I’ve fought with every fiber of my being. To think all of that wasn’t good enough is crippling and soul shattering.
“How are you guys?” Dr. Patel asks.
“Nervous,” I admit. Sean gives my hand a squeeze.
“So, as you know, we did one round of radiation after the surgery to get any little bits we weren’t able to remove during surgery,” he says.
GET TO THE POINT!
I already know all of this and am growing impatient. There’s only one thing I want to hear from him right now and I’m not sure why he’s dragging it out like this.
“And I’m pleased to say it worked and you’re cancer free.”
Cancer free.
My world stops spinning as I stare at the doctor in disbelief, afraid if I blink I’ll wake up and this will all be a dream. Dr. Patel continues to look at me expectantly, like he’s wondering if what he said registered. I don’t think it has. I was diagnosed almost eight months ago and have waited every day since to hear those words.
Cancer. Free.
It’s gone. The disease that was eating at me from the inside has been defeated and isn’t hurting me anymore.
Holy shit. It all worked!
My mouth falls open, but nothing comes out as the image of the doctor blurs. Looking to my left, I’m met with the brightest smile I never stood a chance at resisting. I think I’ve forgotten how to breathe as I wait for the doctor to tell me the bad news.
But there isn’t any.
We did it.
“Oh my God.” My hand covers my mouth as I glance back at the doctor in disbelief.
Sean springs up from his seat, startling me. “You did it, gorgeous!” He scoops me up off my chair and engulfs me in a bear hug before spinning me around. My leg hits the chair, but it doesn’t even faze me. He kisses me hard, right in front of the doctor and for the first time since I heard the awful three words that changed my life, I feel relieved.
A giggle slips past my lips as I pull back and study Sean’s face. I hadn’t realized how much of a toll this was taking on him too. The corners of his eyes are relaxed and his lips and jaw aren’t tense.
“Congratulations, Paige,” Dr. Patel says, breaking through our mini celebration.
“So what happens next?” Sean asks as he sets me down.
“You’ll come in for routine screenings to make sure nothing pops back up. If it’s going to come back, your odds are greater within the first year, but I’m very optimistic in your case.”
A huge rush of air leaves me and with it all of my fears. I could cry I’m so damn happy right now. The last several months have been blow after blow of bad news. Right when I thought I’d hit my lowest, life was there to show me I was wrong. Yet here I am, a survivor and it feels pretty damn good.
“Wish I could say I’m going to miss seeing you, Doc, but I’ll be perfectly content never stepping foot in your office again.”
He smiles kindly at me. “I hope you don’t end up back here either.”
“Thank you for everything.” My throat tightens up, unable to list all the reasons I’m grateful for him. He nods his understanding and we’re free to go.
By the time we leave, my cheeks hurt from smiling so much and I’m on cloud nine. The ride home is quiet, but not like it has been lately. Before, it was filled with tension and fear of the unknown, now it’s filled with unknown possibilities. For the first time, I’m able to think about a future, what I want to do and who I want to do it with.
It’s not long until we’re pulling up to the house and I notice extra cars in the driveway. Upon further inspection, I realize they belong to Charlotte, Lydia, and Scarlett.
“What’s everyone doing here?”
With a smile on his face, he says, “You’ll see.”
He opens the door, and a deafening SURPRISE! hits my ears. Balloons and decorations are everywhere and it reminds me of the party they threw for me last time. All of my friends are gathered around, but the two faces that shock me the most are my mom and dad.
“Mom? Dad?” I rush over and give them both a hug. My mom is the first to break down and start crying.
I’ve never been super attached to my parents, and haven’t relied on them for emotional support throughout this whole ordeal. Above my need for support, I wanted them to think I was strong and going to be fine. My mother couldn’t handle it otherwise. Besides, I had all the support I needed from Sean and my friends. But as soon as their arms wrap around me, I realize how wrong I was. I do need them.
“What are you doing here?” I ask.
My mom wipes the tears from under her eyes. “Sean called and invited us.”
Looking over my shoulder, I see him standing back with his hands in his pockets. I sense a nervous vibe coming off of him like he’s not sure if it was okay for him to do this. It was more than okay and further proves how much he cares about me. He told me he was going to marry me someday, and as I look at his smiling face, I hope it’s sooner rather than later.
“You are amazing, do you know that?” I wrap my arms around his neck and look up at him.
He shrugs. “I figured we’d celebrate the end of this journey the same way we started the beginning.”
My head tilts to the side as I squint in confusion. “But you didn’t know my scans would be cancer free.”
“It didn’t matter. I wasn’t going to let you fall like you did last time. We were going to celebrate life regardless.”
Yep, he’s perfect for me. I don’t know why it took a near-death experience to finally admit it to myself, but I can’t imagine a more thoughtful, caring, and supportive person to walk through life with.
My energy isn’t one hundred percent yet since I did my last round of radiation a few weeks ago, but I push through to celebrate with my friends and family.
There’s food and drinks everywhere, but most importantly there’s tons of laughing, talking, and enjoying life. I’m surrounding by the people who mean the most to me and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
“I’d like to make a toast,” Scarlett announces. “Paige, you have handled this with so much strength and bravery. I admire you far beyond words could possibly say. There was never a doubt in my mind that you would beat this. I love you, girl.” She holds up her drink in salute before coming over to give me a big hug.
“I know you think I’m overbearing and worry too much,” my mom says next. She is a bit dramatic, but I wouldn’t necessarily classify her as overbearing since we hardly talk, but I don’t tell her that. “But it’s only because I love you and want nothing but the best for you. To know you were hurting was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, which was made worse by the fact that there was nothing I could do. You’ll understand one day.” She winks and I get the hidden meaning behind her words.
“You guys are going to make me cry.” I fan my face, hoping to push away the tears the kind words from my friends has caused. I honestly didn’t know a person could produce so many in a lifetime.
Sean comes up behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. With his head resting on my shoulder, he says, “Save your energy. Our celebration starts tonight.”
His promise goes straight to my core and the only thing I can think is I can’t wait.