Sean
TICK TOCK. TICK tock. Tick tock.
I want to tear the clock off the wall as it cuts through the silence of the room. We’re on edge enough as it is without that annoying shit in the background.
“Positive thoughts,” Paige says, taking in a breath and letting it out.
My grip on her hand tightens. “You’ve got this, babe.”
She’s gone through six rounds of treatment; one hundred and fifty days. Five long months of highs and lows, good days and bad, hope and despair. And it has all led to this moment.
There’s a knock on the door before it opens. Dr. Patel walks in with a folder in his hand. A piece of paper inside so small and insignificant yet holds the key to my world.
Cancer free.
Two words I’ve longed to hear since Paige told me she was sick. All I can do is stare at the doctor’s mouth, willing him to say it.
“Paige, Sean,” he addresses us and opens the folder. Paige’s grip on my hand tightens and I think all the circulation to my fingers has stopped, surprising me for someone who has been very frail lately.
“I’ve looked over the results, and I’m afraid we didn’t get it all.”
My heart seizes up in my chest and I feel the life drain out of me. Paige’s hand falls from mine and I swear the world stops spinning.
“No.” The word falls out of my mouth, like saying it makes his statement untrue.
“Why?” Tears sit at the back of her throat as she forces the word out.
The doctor looks at her with sympathy. “I’m so sorry and I know it’s difficult to hear. Some cancers are more aggressive than others. It has shrunk quite a bit and we don’t see any new spots, but it’s still there.”
“You said my chances were really good.”
His eyebrows rise in mild surprise at her insinuation. “This isn’t the end. We have other options and can still beat this.”
“What are my other options? To go through this again?” Her voice quivers. I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know if she could handle another round. She’s still so frail and just now gaining some of her energy back.
“That would be an option, but not one I’d advise. At this point, I’d recommend surgery followed by more radiation to get any cells not removed.”
“What kind of surgery? Would you just cut out the tumor?” I ask.
“We would do a complete hysterectomy to increase the chances of it not coming back in other surrounding tissues.”
Paige stands up abruptly. “No.” She shakes her head while backing up. “No!” Rushing toward the door, she swings it open and runs out.
“Paige! Wait!” I catch up to her at the exit and grab her by the arm. “What are you doing?”
“I’ve got to get out of here.” Her chest rises and falls rapidly as if she’s about to start hyperventilating. The wild look in her eyes reminds me of a caged animal, desperate to escape.
I place my hands on her shoulders and steady her so she’ll look at me. “I know you’re scared, but we have to finish listening to the doc.”
“I’ll still have cancer tomorrow. It can wait. I need to go. Please.” She bites her lip to keep it from trembling as a tear glides down her face. She’s been through so much and the only thing I see etched all over her gorgeous face is defeat.
“Let’s go.” Wrapping my arm around her, I lead her to the car and take her home.
“Hysterectomy,” Paige says out loud as she stares into space. Neither of us has said a thing since we left the doctor’s office, both stuck in our own heads. That trend continued once we got back to my place. With nothing on, the only thing to listen to are my running thoughts while we sit on the couch.
I don’t know how to respond. Nothing I say is going to make the situation better or easier to accept.
“You shouldn’t be with me.” Again, her eyes aren’t focused on anything and it’s like she’s talking into space.
With a deep breath, I close my eyes and try to reel in my frustration that she’s throwing this shit at me again. “Why do you constantly do this?”
“Do you know what a hysterectomy means? Have you really thought about how that will affect our relationship going forward?”
I grind my jaw, doing everything in my power to stay calm and patient with her. “It’s not going to change a damn thing. I don’t care what they have to do, I’m here to stay.”
Her eyes focus on me before she says, “I see how you are with your niece. You’re amazing with kids and if I survive, I won’t be able to give that to you.”
I snap, my fist slamming down on the coffee table. “Goddammit! Not if you survive, when you survive. Knock that shit off!”
“It doesn’t change the fact that I won’t be able to have kids!” she yells back at me, the vein in her neck popping out. It hits me that this is more about her fears and disappointments than it is about me.
“Come here.” I pull her arm until she collapses onto my chest. “I want you more than I want kids, Paige. Plus, there are other ways we can become parents.”
She breaks down, letting it all out. Her sobs are loud and piercing and going straight to my heart.
“It’s okay. We’ll figure this out,” I say against her scalp as I hold her close to me. I’m not sure how long we sit like this, but I don’t let go until the last of her tears have fallen. By that time, she’s so exhausted she can barely keep her eyes open, so I pick her up and tuck her into bed.
Once Paige falls asleep, I set out to do some research to see what our options are. We left before discussing everything with the doctor, so maybe there’s another avenue we can pursue.
Do I want kids? Of course. I’ve had visions of a little girl with honey colored eyes and platinum blond hair running around calling me Dada since I knew Paige was the one. But none of that means a damn thing if I don’t have Paige by my side.
Searching the internet, I’m finding stuff the doctor already told us. Chemo and radiation damage eggs and fertility becomes an issue. Not impossible, but difficult.
Then a piece of information catches my eye and gives me hope.
Harvesting and freezing eggs.
Saving the information to my favorites, I run into the bedroom and wake up Paige. She’s been dealt nothing but shitty news; she needs something positive right now. “Paige,” I whisper into her ear. She stirs a tad, but doesn’t wake. “Gorgeous, open your eyes for me.”
She blinks several times before squinting up at me, the bedside lamp too bright. “What’s wrong?” she asks.
“Nothing. I found some good news.”
She sits up and leans against the headboard. “What?”
“A doctor can harvest and freeze your eggs before they do the hysterectomy. Then we can have them artificially inseminated before implanting them into a surrogate.”
“W-what?” Her voice is thick with sleep, and I know I should have waited until the morning when she was up and had some coffee.
“Babies. We can still have them.” She searches my face, but doesn’t say anything. I hold her hands in mine and rub them with my thumbs. “I want to make you happy. I do want to have kids with you, but not at the sake of your health. Because without you, there is no me. So here’s a solution that gives us both.”
She’s quiet for a moment and I’m afraid I’ve upset her more. “You’re amazing, you know that?”
“I try.”
I hold my arms out to her and she snuggles up close with her head on my chest. My finger traces small circles on her arm as I listen to her breathe in and out.
“I’ll be less of a woman.” This girl is constantly breaking me, splitting me wide open. The vulnerability in her tone is so raw and innocent, as if she believes this will really change who she is.
“No, Paige. You’ll be everything you are now, but more.”
“How’s that?”
“Because you’ll be a survivor.”
Sitting up, she kisses me on the cheek and lies back down on my chest. She exhales and I can sense a huge burden leaving her body. I can’t imagine what she’s going through, but I hope she sees that this isn’t the end, it’s the beginning.
“Now tell me you love me,” I say.
“I love you.”