Sean
I CAN’T PULL her out of the dark hole she’s fallen into. She’s been gradually slipping since her diagnosis six months ago. With every round of treatment, every strand of hair that fell out, and ultimately the news that they didn’t get rid of it, pieces of her started vanishing. I see it in the dimness in her eyes and her lack of response to my jokes. But she hit a new low when it was decided a hysterectomy was needed.
Dr. Patel said all along conceiving would become difficult after treatment due to the damage chemo and radiation does to the eggs. But it wasn’t impossible. Those odds got a lot worse a month and a half ago when he recommended removing her cervix and uterus.
The morning after we found out her cancer wasn’t gone, she contacted her doctor to discuss other fertility options. He referred her to a fertility doctor and we scheduled an appointment immediately. I went in with a lot of hope and optimism, convinced that something had to go right for us. I should have been more realistic with my expectations.
“It would have been best to have had this discussion before you started going through treatment. I’m afraid the damage has been done and it will be hard to find viable, healthy eggs to harvest.” The pity on the doctor’s face repulses me and I resist the urge to smack it off of him.
“Is it impossible?” Paige’s tone is firm, surprising me in its directness.
“Not impossible, but not probable either.”
“That’s all I need then. I want to try.”
Her confidence in the office faltered while on our way home.
“Do you think I should go through with it?”
“This is your decision, babe, not mine. But I’ll support you either way.” I glance at her before turning my attention back to the road.
“What if it doesn’t work? All the hormone injections, the extraction procedure, and everything else will be pointless if it fails.”
“But what if it does?”
“Then I have a baby.” The smallest smile touches her lips, as if she’s afraid to hope for such an outcome.
“Yeah, then you’ll have a baby.”
After two weeks of hormone injections, they were able to retrieve some viable eggs. I thought this would give her something to look forward to. A light at the end of the tunnel, but it didn’t. When she finally had her surgery a week after that, it was even worse. She barely gets out of bed, doesn’t talk, her feistiness is gone, as is the joy within her.
I miss my Paige and I’m desperate to have her back.
So, I’m taking us back to the basics. Back to the days where my biggest worry was convincing her to give me a chance. Before there was cancer, tests, treatments, and hysterectomies. We were happy and carefree and that’s what we need ahead of Paige’s next round of screenings. So, I left her a little note before running off to prepare for tonight.
Paige,
Be ready to go by 3.
Love,
Sean
“Paige! I’m home!” I shout as I walk through the front door. I’m met with silence, and that makes me nervous. “Paige?” I ask as I round the corner into the living room. I find her sleeping on the couch, drowning in a blanket. The image is one that’s all too familiar lately and I hate it. I hate I can’t take her pain and anxiety away and shoulder her burdens.
“Wake up.” I nudge her gently and rub the back of my hand down her face. Her eyes blink several times before focusing in on me. “You ready to go?”
She looks around before nodding. I stand up and she follows slowly, still a little sore from her surgery.
“Where’s your bag?” I ask.
“By the door.” She doesn’t seem excited or anxious to know what’s going on, which is the complete opposite of who she is. It further proves I’ve got to save her from herself and pull her back.
After I load up our bags and we get in the car, we’re on our way. Fifteen minutes into the drive, she finally speaks. “Where are we going?”
It may seem like a simple question, but it fires up a light inside of me. A light that’s powered by hope. “It’s a surprise.” I smirk and look at her from the corner of my eye. I thought a surprise would help bring my old Paige back knowing how much she hates them, but it doesn’t. She simply turns her head and stares out of the window. My spirits fall and hope diminishes.
The majority of our two-hour drive is spent with me trying to start a conversation. All attempts are met with short answers and a complete lack of enthusiasm. Before it drives me out of my fucking mind, we arrive at our destination.
“The beach?” she asks.
“Yep. Come on, everything should be ready.” I get out of the car and walk around to the trunk to get the blanket and other things I brought.
Wrightsville Beach is a quaint beach town without the commercial bullshit of normal tourist sites along the coast. It’s quiet and perfect for the evening I have planned for us.
Grabbing her hand, I pull her along with me until our setup comes into view. I paid someone to set up a romantic spot for us to have dinner at and watch the sunset, and they didn’t disappoint. A large blanket is surrounded by votive candles. An ice bucket with champagne sits in one corner while fluffy pillows are placed on the other. It’s cozy and intimate and everything we need right now.
My head turns to catch her reaction, praying I get something out of her this evening. Her mouth parts as her hand comes up to it.
“Oh my God. You did this?”
“Well, I coordinated it. Someone else did all the actual work. Are you hungry?”
“Actually, I am.” A small smile graces her lips and if I wasn’t looking for it, I might have missed it.
“Alright, let’s go sit down then.”
Once we sit on the blanket, I make quick work of pulling out the goodies I had packed in a thermal cooler. “I took the liberty of ordering from our favorite Thai place earlier.” Another smile hits me in the gut. Maybe this will work after all.
For all the progress I thought we were making when we first got here, it all ceases as soon as we start eating. I watch her shrink back into herself and I can’t for the life of me figure out why. I want to shake her and demand that she tell me. I don’t know how much more I can take of this. It is tearing me to pieces inside.
We finish eating and look out toward the water. I watch a chill roll over her body, so I grab the extra blanket I brought and drape it around her.
“Thanks,” she says quietly.
“No problem.”
And we’re back to silence. As we watch the light fade into the horizon, I can’t help but see it as a metaphor to our relationship. I love her more than anything, but I can’t help her if she won’t let me.
“Come back to me,” I finally plead.
She looks into my eyes and there’s so much pain I can’t stand it. “I don’t know how.” Her voice is strained as she tries to hold back the tears.
“Let me help you.” I cup her face and she leans into it.
“I just want to stop feeling this way and I can’t.” A tear falls down her cheek.
“Like what?”
She pauses and says, “Empty.”
I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her into me tight. “I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me,” I say against her head.
“Do you think I’ve changed?” she asks me. The weight of her question is obvious and I feel like a lot rides on my answer.
“How do you mean?”
“Since you met me, have I changed?”
“Yeah, you’re a lot nicer to me now.” That gets a reaction from her as she looks up at me and glares. I don’t even try to hide my smile. “No, you’re not different.”
“I feel like I’ve changed so much, I’m just a shell of the person I once was. I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I’m just . . . lost.” Her voice cracks on the last word and I squeeze her tighter.
“You’re never lost with me, gorgeous. I’ve always got you.”
“That’s the problem though. There are some things you can’t fix.” She pulls away and looks up at me. “You can’t do anything about my cancer or the fact that I had to have a hysterectomy in the hopes of beating it. And I’m struggling with that.”
“I know this is hard and I can’t imagine how you’re feeling, but you can’t shut me out. Otherwise, I’ll have to resort to my old ways with the pickup lines and I don’t think you want that.” She shakes her head, one corner of her mouth pulling up. “That’s what I thought. Look, it’s normal to feel this way. You’ve been through so much in a short period of time. You’re going to have good and bad days, and that’s okay as long as you let me be a part of them, okay?”
She nods. “Okay, and I’m sorry. I just don’t know how to cope with all of this. The cancer was hard enough, but then the added blow of surgery and that IVF might not work.”
“He didn’t say there was a zero percent chance of us conceiving when we’re ready, he just said it would be harder.”
“But he was only able to retrieve four eggs. What if those don’t take? I know I’m thinking way ahead of myself, but if those don’t work, I have no other options.” She sniffs and buries her head in my chest. “I feel like my womanhood has been stolen from me. Is that stupid?”
“No, but I can relate. You’ve had me by the balls since day one, so I know the feeling.”
She throws her head back and laughs. It’s music to my fucking ears and the first genuine laugh I’ve heard in God knows how long. Once she starts, she can’t stop and it’s contagious. Soon, I’m chuckling with her, thrilled out of my mind to see her happy.
“My stomach.” She clutches her abdomen and winces slightly. “You know I’m still a little sore.”
“Sorry.” But I’m not. If I had known a ball joke would help alleviate the dark cloud hanging over her, I would’ve done it a long time ago.
“It’s fine. I needed that. Thank you for being patient with me.” She snuggles back up to my side and the tension from moments ago is gone. I know we’re not in the clear and she’ll have her ups and downs, but hopefully this is the beginning of more good days than bad.
We watch the last rays of pink and orange vanish into the black sea in silence. But it’s different this time. Instead of so much tension, it’s comfortable.
Just like it used to be.
“I have six eyes, four mouths, and three ears, what am I?” I ask.
She looks up at me and squints as she tries to hide her amusement. “What?”
“Ugly.”
She stares at me for about five seconds before she breaks and laughs lightly. “You’re such a dork.”
“There she is.”
“Who?”
“The girl I love.”
“I’ve always been here, Sean. I just needed you to help me find her again.”
I pour every ounce of love and affection I possess into her as soon as our lips meet. Her hands go to the back of my neck and pull me in deeper. Knowing she’s not ready to take things any farther, I have to pull back. “Mmmm,” I say into her ear. “You need to stop with all that before I end up taking you right here.”
The tightening of her thighs and biting of her lip tells me everything I need to know. She wants me too. It makes it hard as fuck to deny us, but I don’t want to hurt her. So I readjust the hard-on in my pants, help her up, and get our stuff loaded back in the car with promises to revisit this moment the second her doc gives the okay.