Paige
AFTER SHAVING AND showering, I hop out to dry off. I wrap the towel around my head and wipe the condensation off the mirror. Once it’s clear, I take a look at my reflection. I notice my body is changing in subtle ways, and it’s not the small bruises on my hips from Sean’s punishing grip either. My stomach is leaner, my posture straighter, and my overall demeanor is lighter.
The vibration of my phone draws my attention, and I’m smiling before I even read it.
Sean: Random question- If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be?
I pause to give it some thought.
Me: The Maldives. I would love to stay in one of those bungalows that sit over the water. What about you?
Sean: Send me to the swamp for all I care. As long as I have you, I’m right where I want to be.
My stomach does flips as I reread his response.
Me: You won’t find me in a swamp.
I’m hoping my reply brings a little levity to the seriousness he added to our conversation. I’m not ready to talk about forever.
Sean: What about my bed?
This is comfortable territory, and I’m grateful for the shift.
Me: We’ll see . . .
I try to convince myself the change I’m seeing is a result of not working somewhere that was sucking the soul from me. But I know that’s a lie. Because as I stare at my screen, I know this feeling swirling inside of me has nothing to do with my place of employment, and everything to do with the man on the other side of these messages.
The realization makes me want to bail, to run away as far as possible and never look back. Sean’s made no secret about what he wants from me. He’s been nothing but relentless for the past two years. Every minute I spend with him, I question myself more and more, wondering why I’m being so damn stubborn. But if I caved, then what? What if it’s all about the chase for him? He’s a very confident guy and is used to getting what he wants. I don’t think my heart could stand the pain of letting my guard down only for him to walk away when it’s not a challenge anymore.
It’s been almost three weeks since Sean took me out to dinner to celebrate my first day, and I can’t stop thinking about it. The way he smiled and the way he opened up regarding his father’s expectations play on a constant loop through my mind and I desperately want it to stop. I need to keep some distance between us, and every time the butterflies flutter in my stomach, they carry me a little closer to him.
He’s asked me out for dinner a few times since, and I keep blowing him off. If our night doesn’t start and end in the bedroom, or some other surface where we’ll be naked, I make up an excuse for why I can’t go. My heart is safer this way.
My phone rings, pulling me out of my thoughts. Glancing at the screen, Scarlett’s name flashes across it. I hate the disappointment that washes over me.
“Hey,” I answer.
“Hey, girl. What’s up?”
“Not much, just got out of the shower. What are you doing?”
She groans. “Just finished grading a stack of papers. I swear it’s like half of my students didn’t take basic English in high school.”
“That bad, huh?” I ask with a small laugh. You’d think she hated teaching with as much as she gripes about her students, but I know it comes from a place of frustration versus loathing. She knows they’re capable of better.
“I asked them to write a three-page paper on the reading material. One guy writes a page and a half, but leaves me a sticky note on the front basically telling me the reason he’s unable to meet the requirements of the assignment is because I didn’t give examples during class on what to write.”
My eyes widen in shock. “Wow. Did you respond?”
“Yep. With a D.” Her tone carries so much vindication it makes me laugh.
“Harsh much?”
“He gave me half an assignment. He’s lucky he didn’t get an F.” After a short pause, she says, “Got any plans tonight? I feel like we haven’t seen each other in forever.”
It seems the older the four of us get, the less we see of each other. I know we have our own lives and sometimes that gets in the way. I miss our college days where we’d hang out all the time, but when we do see each other, it feels like no time has passed at all. I love those girls and don’t know what I’d do without them.
“Um, I don’t have any plans.” Except I did. Sean was supposed to come over, but in light of my recent realizations, maybe a break from him will be a good thing.
“Good. Wanna get dinner?”
“Sure. How’s six?”
“Works for me. Our usual spot?”
“Sushi sounds good to me,” I tell her.
“Perfect. See you then.”
We say our goodbyes and hang up. Staring down at my phone, I pull up my text messages to let Sean know I have to cancel.
My shoulders slump as my fingers hover over the keyboard. Shit, am I disappointed? With brow furrowed, I shake my head to rid these thoughts before sending him a message.
Me: Hey. I have to cancel for tonight. Sorry.
I leave my phone on the bathroom sink as I get my clothes on. His message comes a couple minutes later.
Sean: Why?
Me: Scarlett called and wants to get dinner. I haven’t seen her in a while, so . . .
Sean: Chicks before dicks.
A smile spreads across my face.
Me: Something like that.
Sean: Got it. Well, save room for dessert.
Me: Why?
Sean: I’m craving something sweet.
Me: Okay? I don’t need to eat dessert with you.
Sean: You are my dessert.
My thighs clench on their own accord, but I also feel relief. This is my comfort zone, and as long as I can think of Sean in terms of sex only, I’ll be okay.
Sean: Be ready for me.
I bite my lip to suppress the smile that threatens to overtake my face. Setting my phone down, I don’t bother to respond. I don’t know where to begin, and it wouldn’t matter if I did anyway. No matter what I say, he’ll be over here tonight to feast on me.
And I can’t wait.
“Hey, stranger!” I greet Scarlett.
She gives me a big hug. “It’s good to see your face.”
“Yours too. It’s been too long.” We have a seat in our normal booth and order drinks when the waitress approaches our table.
“I kinda want a little of everything,” she says as she looks over her menu. “Wanna order a bunch and just split it?”
“Sounds good to me.” Each of us checks off a few sushi rolls on our menus before handing them back to the waitress when she brings out our drinks.
“So, what’s new?” Scarlett asks.
Sean.
It’s the first thing that comes to mind, but the last thing I can say out loud. I shrug my shoulders instead and reply, “Not much.”
“What do you mean not much? Tell me about your new job.”
See? Sean consumes all my thoughts that something I would normally be very excited about gets totally forgotten. “I love it so far. All my coworkers seem really nice and my boss is super easy to work for. I was in training the first week, but I’m on my own now. How’s school going?”
She lets out a groan. “Midterms are coming up, so of course I get at least one student in each class that wants a study guide. But what they really want is for me to tell them the questions that will be on the test. It’s like they haven’t realized this is college and not high school anymore.” A long sigh leaves her lips. “I think I’m going to try to get my PhD. Maybe if I’m able to teach upper level courses and not the ones intended to weed students out, I’ll be happier.”
“I thought Apex Tech only offers a two-year program. How would you teach upper level courses there?”
“They do, but with a doctorate I could teach at a four-year university.”
The waitress brings over our rolls and my eyes widen. “Damn, how much did we order?”
“Looks like we’ll have leftovers.”
We dig in, only stopping to make a comment here and there. I guess we were both starving. By the time I finish, I can’t move. I must’ve eaten my weight in raw fish and now feel disgusting.
“Is everything okay?” Scarlett asks.
“Yeah, I should’ve stopped eating about five pieces ago.” I rub my stomach and lean back, hoping to relieve the pressure.
“No, that’s not what I mean. Something is . . . different about you.” She studies me as if she stares long enough, the answer to her question will materialize.
I hold up my hands as if to say I don’t know. “It’s probably my new job.”
She shakes her head. “Don’t bullshit a bullshitter, Paige. If that was it, you would’ve been talking about it the moment I asked you what was new, but you acted like you had completely forgotten you started there.”
I’m sweating. She’s digging for information I don’t know if I’m ready to give. Judging by the determined gleam in her eye, she knows I’m hiding something. I’ve always been a terrible liar, and it’s impossible for me to keep things from my friends. It’s one of the reasons I haven’t seen them a whole lot recently.
“Fine,” I concede. “I’ve been kind of seeing someone. Nothing serious.” I’m quick to add, “Just a friends with benefits type of thing.” My cheeks heat up from that admission.
“Okay, spill. Who is he?”
“I don’t want to tell you.” My fingers fumble with the napkin on the table as I refuse to meet her eyes. I never thought about this moment when Sean and I started this . . . thing. What will everyone think?
“Paige.” She pauses and waits for me to look up. When I do, she continues. “We’re best friends. You know you can tell me anything and I won’t judge.”
With a deep breath, his name rushes past my lips before I can talk myself out of it. “Sean.”
At first, her mouth falls open, but shock quickly turns into a smug expression I’m not a fan of. “I knew it. The sexual tension between the two of you is so intense, I feel like I need a cigarette whenever you’re in a room together. How long has this been going on?”
“We had sex at Charlotte’s baby shower.” I wince in embarrassment. “Then we hooked up again two weeks after that and decided to do the whole friends with benefits thing. That was a little over a month ago.”
“A month and you never said anything? You hoe bag!” Her laughter lets me know she’s joking.
“Sorry, I just didn’t know what to say. Plus, it’s not like you’re forthcoming about the guys you date.”
She rolls her eyes. “That’s because it never lasts long enough to tell you about them.”
Scarlett is a serial dater. I don’t think I’ve seen any of her relationships last longer than a couple weeks. Her philosophy is if it’s not perfect in the beginning, it’s bound to be a disaster in the end. In a way, I get her logic.
“I’m nervous,” I admit.
“About what?”
“Sean. He’s everything I should stay away from, but he has this pull. I’ve been fighting it for so long and I’m tired, but all the doubts in my mind keep me from giving in.”
“You’re your own worst enemy sometimes. Have you ever thought you could be sabotaging yourself?” Her tone is gentle, but her words strike a chord.
I voice my biggest fear. “What if it doesn’t work out?” Sean’s the type of guy I could fall for, and fall hard.
“But what if it does? No one can predict the future, but you’ll never know unless you take the risk and go for it.”
“Sounds like someone should start taking her own advice,” I tease to try to get all the focus off of me for a second.
“Maybe one day I’ll find someone worth risking it for.”
Even though we drop that line of conversation, it’s the only thing I can think about. On the way home, I try to figure out what the hell I’m going to do. It’s clear I won’t be able to keep the boundaries I currently have firmly in place. Eventually, more feelings will develop for him whether I want them to or not. Maybe Scarlett is right and I should just go for it and tell him how I really feel. But as I pull up to my condo and see his car parked in my driveway, the familiar face of doubt creeps in, making me hold true to my old ways.