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12 years earlier

Lila walked into the big house a block away from the Marino family home. The place was old, but had gorgeous wainscoting, beautiful hardwood floors and tall windows. It was also three stories high, which would be good for their expanding family.

She put her hand on her stomach, still trying to accept how her life had changed in the last half-year.

“Like it?” Declan asked, coming up behind her. His tone was obsequious because he’d talked her into moving to here when he knew she didn’t wanted to.

“It’s very pretty.”

“In Lakeville, we get more house than D.C. at a cheaper price.”

She counted to ten but it didn’t help. The accusation tumbled out. “Please stop doing that, Dec. You won. We’re here. End of story. You don’t have to keep trying to convince me.”

He stared at her. He’d stayed so handsome as he’d grown into his late twenties, his hair now tawny, his blue eyes clear and sharp. “I didn’t see this as a contest. As to who won.”

Taking in another deep breath, she calmed herself. “I did what you asked because I love you. And you’re probably right about having help with the new babies. But don’t ask me to pretend I wanted to move back to upstate New York. I didn’t ever want to live in this town again. I loved D.C.”

“I—” His phone buzzed. Damn it. “That might be Mama.” Deirdre was taking care of Maggie.

She gave him her back.

“Hello... Yes, yes...what? Now?” A long silence on his end, then. “Of course. I’ll be there.” When he disconnected, he circled around at the same time she did.

“Was that the Trauma Center in Rockford?” Where he’d just begun his fellowship.

“No, it was the army. I’ve been called to active duty.”

Her eyes narrowed on him. “It didn’t have to be this way. You could have let my mother get that deferment for you, for a few months anyway while we re-acclimated.” She felt her color rise. “You’ve made so many unilateral decisions, and I’m the one who has to deal with the fallout.”

“This is old ground! I’m not about to let your mother intervene in my career in the service.” He always snapped at her when he knew he was wrong. “Christ, Lila.”

“Don’t swear at me because I’m tired of living my life in déjà vu. I get pregnant, your work becomes more demanding or you fly off to parts unknown when called.”

“We both agreed that joining the military was our duty.”

She ran a hand through her hair. “Of course we did. But that doesn’t alter the fact that you could have asked for some time off from it to help me.”

He folded his arms over his chest. “Do you want an apology for that? For making you move here?”

“You didn’t make me do anything. I said I’d come. But only because I’m pregnant again.”

“What the hell does that mean? That we might have separated?”

“No. But I’m sick of catering to your life.” And dying a little bit each time.

“You’re fucking pregnant! How were we going to deal with two more babies on our own?”

“We’d have managed.”

“I can’t believe you’d ever say you might leave me.”

“I can’t believe it either.” She bent down and grabbed her purse. “The house is fine. Buy it. I’m ready to go pick up Maggie.”

He whirled her around. “We can’t just leave the conversation like this.”

“I’m leaving it like this, Dec. And you have to because I’m not going to talk anymore.” With that, she walked out of the house.

Lila got to the front porch.

And slapped a hand to her mouth.

Oh, no. She rushed to the side railing and vomited over it. Weak and despondent, she hung on, wondering how this had happened to her life.

12 years earlier

“Hang on, love. We’re almost there.” Dec held Lila’s hand as she writhed in pain. The birthing room was soothing, with dimmed lights and soft music, but contractions eclipsed the setting.

“It hurts, Dec.”

“You should have meds. The pain will stop.”

“No, no meds. This is best for the babies.”

She arched her back again and screamed. Declan cringed; seeing Lila so tortured, despite the differences they had, was horrific.

She endured hard labor for two hours.

She went through an intense transition.

Then, as agreed, Dec took the midwife’s place and the first tiny baby slid into his arms. Or not so tiny—seven pounds, big for a twin. She didn’t cry. Instead, she looked directly into his eyes. “Hey there, little one.” His throat filled with emotion. But the nurse took her from him and Dec turned back to the task at hand. “Push again, honey.”

Soon, the next twin was on his chest, close to his heart. About the same size, but squalling like the dickens. “Hey, baby. This is Daddy.” When the nurse scooped her away from him, he went to the head of the bed. Lila had laid down after delivering in a squat position. Her hair was sopping wet, her face flushed. But the old cliché was true. She was never more beautiful to him. 

Both babies were placed in her arms and emotion bubbled up out of him. His eyes stung. This was a miracle, a beautiful gift she’d given him again.

Lila fussed with the blanket of one twin, tucking it around her head. She brushed her finger down the other’s cheek. “Hi, babies. Welcome to the world.” She transferred her gaze to him. “Aren’t they beautiful?”

“Nah. They’re wrinkly and red, and funny-looking as hell.”

“Stop.”

He kissed the top of each one’s head. “And I love them more than my own life.” Then he stole a quick kiss from her lips. “But not more than you. Thank you so much for giving me two more children.”

Later, when the three of them were transferred to the maternity ward, Lila in a wheelchair, the babies in their hospital bassinet, they found Maggie sitting on the bed, accompanied by her grandmother. The little girl’s violet eyes widened. “Mommy, are those them?”

“Yep, this is them.”

Maggie slid off the bed and over to the bassinet. “Oh, gosh, they’re so little.”

Deirdre cooed at the new ones then excused herself.

Lila gave Maggie a huge hug then got in bed. “You’re a big sister now.”

Maggie joined her and snuggled in. Dec took one child out of the bassinet and gave her to Lila and he took the other around the side of the bed. He sat down close to Maggie. “Did you decide on names?”

“Uh-huh. Morgan and Melody, like the two on “Big Girls Now.” Her favorite morning show, which was on every day. The animation was great and the characters entertaining.

“What do you think, Mommy?”

“I love Morgan and Melody. Shall we give them nicknames, too?”

“Morgy and Meli.”

After a while, Mama came back and stood in the doorway. When they noticed her, she said, “I don’t want to intrude.”

“You’re not. Come back in, Mama.”

Dec’s mother fawned over the two little girls. Then made a fuss about Maggie being a big sister at eight years old. A while later, Maggie yawned and Mama said, “Let’s go lie down at Grandma’s house for a while. We can come back later.”

“’Kay.”

When Declan and Lila were alone with the twins, she grabbed his hand. “I love them so much already. I’m ashamed of saying I didn’t want to be pregnant again.”

“Lila, you had every right. Life keeps throwing us curve balls.”

Her expression was so full of love—for him—he was rocked by it. “Promise me those things won’t matter. That we’ll always be together.”

He kissed her mouth. “I promise. I love you so much.”

She returned the declaration and suddenly things seemed much brighter.

8 years earlier

Declan had been at Rockford Trauma Center for four years, the biggest emergency care unit in the city, but it wasn’t MedStar. He shook off the notion as he signed yet another set of paperwork that needed to be completed.

A male nurse named Ed arrived at the doorway to the office, looking harried. “Doc, come quick. There’s been a critical accident two hours away. They’re sending Guardian Flight Base, but the onlookers need instruction.”

Dec hurried into a smaller room that was for incoming calls only. He grabbed the phone. “This is Dr. Marino. Who am I speaking to?”

“Joan Akins. I was the first car to stop at the scene.”

“Do you have any medical training?”

“None to speak of. I called 911. They’re coming, but the snow’s slowing them down.”

“Are you with the patient?”

“Yes, the woman is in a snowbank. She was thrown from a car when it skidded off the pavement into a guardrail. I, um, watched it happen.”

“Stay calm, Joan, and make sure you don’t move her.”

“I won’t. But she’s got to be freezing. What should I do?”

“Are there other people around?”

“Yes. Cars are backed up for a long ways.”

“Get one of them to solicit blankets from the others. Put them over the patient and as close to her as you can get without moving her.”

He heard her yell, “Somebody get me blankets from the cars. Okay, what next?”

“Is she bleeding anywhere?”

“Not that I can see.”

“Is she unconscious?”

“Yes.”

“Is her neck at a strange angle?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Has she lost control of her bladder or bowels?”

“Yes.”

“These are signs of a spinal injury, Joan.”

“Holy shit!”

“So you have to keep the victim stabilized. Put your hands on either side of her head, tightly, but not enough to exert any pressure. Hold her like that until help arrives. Do not let her head move. And stay on the line with me until help arrives.”

Time passed as he talked to her about the accident, the patient. When he heard sirens in the background, Joan Akins let out a heavy breath. “An ambulance is here.”

“Hold onto her until the medics get a real collar on her.”

The medical personnel asked the woman questions that she answered while still on the line. When they told her to step back she spoke to him again. “T-thanks, Doc.”

“Joan, are you crying?”

“Yeah, some.”

“It’s the adrenaline crash after an emergency. Get in your car and turn the heater on. Sit there until you calm. And keep talking to me.”

He could hear a car door slam.

“You’re going to be fine. What line of work are you in, Joan?”

“I’m a computer analyst in a big company in Rockford.”

More questions. More answers. Then, “I think I’m okay, now. Sorry I took up so much of your time.”

“No worries. Just be careful in the storm.”

“Thanks, Dr. Marino.”

“You’re welcome.”

Ed was still standing in the doorway when Dec hung up. He started to clap. “Hell, Doc, you are the miracle worker they say you are.”

“Nah, just an ordinary medicine man.” But he didn’t feel that way. He felt like a god.

Driving at a snail’s pace, it took him twice the time to get home. Where he found Lila crying in the bedroom. “What’s wrong?”

She shook her head.

“Lila, what is it?”

“Maggie told me she hated me because I couldn’t get her to the party in Rockford. I tried, but the car got stuck in the snowstorm on the outskirts of Lakeville. It took forever to get a tow truck to get us back to the road. I had to take the twins and they were cranky and hungry and acted out.”

“The party in Rockford?” He hit his hand on his forehead. “Hell, I was supposed to take them.” And he forgot all about it.

“Yes, you were.”

“Oh, baby, I’m sorry. I had an emergency at work.”

“Of course you did.” Her voice was despondent.

“I don’t know what to say.”

Crying came from the twins’ room. “Just go take care of the twins and leave me alone.”

He sighed. He left the room and walked down the hall. He didn’t feel like a god anymore. He felt like a shit.

6 years earlier

One sneeze came after the other as Lila stood outside the bedrooms housing the sick twins and a sick Maggie. She slouched against the wall. Then slid down to the floor and put her feverish face in her hands. How was she going to do this alone?

Declan was discharged from the Army National Guard, but had joined up with a Special Missions unit. He’d left yesterday on a trip to deal with the Zika virus in Mozambique. He’d flown to D.C. today, and would take a plane to Africa. This was the first trip in the year since the twins were born, so she shouldn’t complain. But the girls had a doctor’s appointment today. Would she even be able to drive?

Dear Lord in heaven, help me to do this. She’d have to call a cab. A lot of good it did to move here! No, that was unfair. Deirdre and Tony had been a godsend and were entitled to a weekend away. Declan was right about needing their help.

One twin cried, waking up the other. Lila struggled to her feet. She was dizzy and had to lean against the wall for a while. Finally, she was able to go to them.

After the babies quieted, she went to Maggie’s room. Her oldest slept fitfully, and Lila worried that her fever was spiking, too. She glanced at the small penguin clock. Only three more hours to wait to see the pediatrician and get medicine for all three of them. She dropped down into the rocker but tried to stay awake. The doors were open between the kids’ rooms and she could hear all three of them from here.

Her eyes closed.

Lila awoke with a start. She’d fallen asleep! Soft rays filtered through the window. When she’d come in here, it had been dark out. She glanced at the clock. An hour had passed? Her gaze flew to the bed.

Maggie was gone.

Bolting up, she rushed out of the room and into the twins’ room. The babies weren’t in there and neither was Maggie. Could Maggie have gotten them out? She fled to her own room. Declan was nestled in the bed with Maggie, Meli and Morgan. They were bathed in sunlight. She realized then all three kids were asleep, Maggie on his left, the twins, turning toward each other, on his right. Sick and exhausted, she burst into tears.

“Aw, honey,” he said but didn’t get up.

“I-I don’t understand.”

He spoke softly. “When I called last night, and you were sick, too, I talked to the Colonel. I was frank about why I was needed at home.”

Relief flooded her. She sagged against the doorjamb. “What did he say?”

“He griped a bit, then told me to go. The unit’s big enough to sustain one less person.”

“Thank you.”

“Hell, don’t say that. They’re my kids, too. Now, go back to Maggie’s room and get some sleep.”

“I want to go to the doctor’s appointment.”

“If you’re better. Right now, you can hardly stand up.”

Starting away, she stopped and glanced over her shoulder. Now she noticed his disheveled hair, his wrinkled camos. “I love you, Declan.”

“I love you too.”

“I know. You just proved that in spades.”

4 years earlier

It had been the worst of times and the best of times in his relationship with Lila. Not that all couples didn’t have their ups and downs. But he had a feeling sometimes that the foundation of their marriage was cracking and he didn’t know how to fix it.

Grabbing his coat from his locker, he shrugged into it and checked his watch. He’d just make it home in time to go to the gala they’d been invited to. They’d have to drive back to Rockford for it because Lila’s car was on the fritz, but they planned to stay overnight in town as the kids were with his parents. Lila had bought a little black cocktail dress that made his mouth water.

That was another thing, he thought as he walked out of the locker room in the ER and headed down the hall to the entrance. Their sex life was infrequent, and he told himself that it was because taking care of three kids was hard for her and work was demanding for him. Tonight, he hope to rectify that.

What the hell? A cacophony of noise greeted him as he walked down the hall and into the entrance.

“We need help here,” a paramedic wheeling in a patient yelled.

People flew to the gurney.

“Let me the fuck up!” The patient was struggling to get free from those holding him down.

One paramedic practically had her body over his. “No, Mr. Jackson. Stay still.”

“I want outta here.”

Suddenly the man burst from his restraints. He stood on wobbly feet with his arms swinging. He hit the paramedic and she went down. Uniformed guards had arrived, and were trying to restrain him.

He’d just flung them off when Dec saw a nurse with a syringe come out of the medicine room. He rushed to her, asked, “A sedative?” and when she nodded he grabbed it from her.

He ran toward the uncontrollable man and, gaining momentum, he sprang at the guy with the needle out and stuck him in the arm. They both went down, and the guy managed to get off one last punch—to Declan’s face—before he conked out.

Two hours later, Declan limped his way into his house because he’d turned his foot when he went after the patient who was on meth, he later discovered. He found Lila, seated in the family room, a glass of white wine in her hand. Alarm replaced pique when she saw him and she stood. “What happened?”

He explained briefly.

She stayed where she was, didn’t rush to him, like she used to. “Then you’re okay?”

“Yes.”

After a moment, she sat back down.

“We can still go to the party.”

Glancing at the big clock, she shook her head. “It started an hour ago.”

“We’ll be fashionably late.” He walked toward her, limping badly. When he got up close, he said, “I’m sorry, but we can still go.”

“You’re battered and exhausted.”

“They’re all doctors. They’ll understand.” He felt himself waver on his feet.

“You can’t even stand. Come on, Dec, I’ll help you to bed.”

“No, Lila, please.”

“Stop!” she snapped. “You’re in no condition to go anywhere.”

Because he knew she was right—he ached all over—he caved. “I’m sorry.”

Her face said, I’ve heard that before.

He had to lean on her to get to bed. He couldn’t undress himself and she helped him off with his shirt and pants. He fell onto the pillow.

When she stood to leave, he grabbed her hand. “The kids are gone. When I wake up, we can at least fool around.”

“I don’t think so, Declan. Not this time.”

His mind was fuzzy and he fell asleep before he could dissect the true meaning and impact of her words.

3 years earlier

“Lila, Matt wants to see you in his office.” The assistant to the head HR guy at the Rockford VA Benefits smiled. “ASAP.”

“I’ll be right there.” Lila saved her client’s file on the computer, rose...and sighed. She’d taken this job three years ago when she needed something more in her life. No way was it up to what she was capable of handling, but she tried to be grateful for it. And for Deidre and Tony, who got the twins off the bus until she could make it home.

She knocked on Matt’s door and heard, “Come in.”

“Hi, Matt,” she said to the older man, a retired army officer. He reminded her of a younger Tony Marino with his Italian good looks.

“Hi, Lila. Sit.”

She dropped down into the chair in front of the desk. “You wanted to see me?”

“I got a call from Robert Vance. The VA is expanding in the Washington office to include a new program—telecommunication. And since you’re an Internet whiz, they’d like you to work with them, setting the program up and running certain aspects of it. You’d also do in-person counseling if a vet wants to come and maybe orchestrate other programs if necessary.”

“Seriously?”

He cocked his head. “Don’t think you can handle something like that?”

“No, no, I could. But my track record in D.C. isn’t very good.” She’d worked under Robert in headquarters at the VA sporadically in between babies, around her basic training, and then finally left altogether to return to Lakeville with Declan.

“Lila, I’ve watched you counsel vets. You have a real knack for that.”

“I’m a vet, too.”

“And apparently you started when you were in Iraq.”

She was still in the National Guard, but had been called up only once when division had gone to the Middle East to set up a program on how to target promotion for humanitarian efforts in the war-torn country. “That’s nice to hear.”

“They said they’d never seen soldiers relate to anyone like they did to you. I think charismatic was the word they used. And of course, this new division would be groundbreaking in allowing much more contact with veterans online.”

“I’m honored.”

Bracing his arms on the desk, he studied her. “Can you work this out with your family?”

He’d read her mind. She was thinking she couldn’t take the position because of the kids and Declan. But shit, why not put her career first for change? “I have to talk to my husband, but I’m very interested. When would I start?”

“Well, their new building isn’t even finished yet, so you have some time. I’d say six months.”

She studied her boss. “Matt, did you have something to do with this?”

He gave her his best innocent expression.

“Did you?”

“Lila, it’s no secret here that your talents far exceed your job in Rockford. I’d hate to lose you, but you need to move on to bigger things. I might have mentioned that to Robert when I saw him at that conference in D.C.”

“Thank you, then.”

Smiling, she left the office. It felt good to be recognized for her talents and hard work. Now if she could only convince Declan to move back to D.C. It was her turn to shine.

“That would mean you’d have to move.” Dec was scowling, but he couldn’t believe what Lila had just told him. She’d waited until they finished dinner and the twins were in bed, Maggie studying in her room.

“We would have to move.”

He sat back in the kitchen chair and took a sip of his coffee to give himself time to think of how to phrase everything. “Lila, I was just appointed Chief of Trauma. I can’t leave town now.”

She drew in a deep breath, probably in an effort to calm herself. “All right.” She stood. “I’m going to check on the girls.”

Grabbing her hand, he held her back. “What? Wait. Don’t you want to talk about this?”

She folded her arms across her chest and stared down at him. “Like we did when you accepted a residency at MedStar? Talking didn’t change anything then.”

“What are you saying?”

“Dec, you have a right not to move, just as I had a right to decide whether or not to come to Lakeville. I’ll take the girls and set up in D.C. until you’re ready join us.”

“No way are you taking my girls to D.C.”

“Your girls?” Her eyebrows shot up. “How much time, literally, have you spent with them, between work, two weeks training in the summer, not to mention the missions you go on?”

Cornered, he lashed out. “I can’t believe we’re even talking about this kind of separation.” But now he remembered her saying something about it when they moved to Lakeville.

I only came because I’m pregnant.

“We wouldn’t be talking about separation if you hadn’t said you wouldn’t move.”

Because he knew she was serious about this, and because guilt was surfacing—everything she’d said was true—he stood. Grasped her arms gently. “I didn’t exactly say that.”

“Okay. Will you move so I can take this job?”

“Let me think about it at least. You didn’t accept, did you?”

“You mean like you did with the residency? No, because I remember how much that hurt.” Turning, she left the room.

Fuck, his world had tilted on its axis and he didn’t like it.

Later that night, they made love. Their coming together was desperate and hot and satisfying. Afterward, Lila lay in her husband’s arms. He knew he’d gone too far with her earlier. “I’m sorry for what I said today. Of course you want this. You deserve it. And being on the forefront of this kind of an online trend in treating vets would be amazing. But have you thought about the effect moving would have on the girls?”

She rubbed his chest as she talked. “Maggie will start high school in the fall, and the twins go to a fifth and sixth grade building. It seems like a good time for a change.”

Gently, he picked up her hand and kissed her knuckles. “Their friends are all here. And Maggie’s already fragile. You said you were worried about her. That she seems sad.”

“I know. Maybe a change of scenery would help.”

“She needs stability.”

Now she pulled back. So much for closeness. “You don’t know that!” Her eyes flamed. “Dec, I can’t go on like this. I need more in my life. Like you have.”

“At least let’s talk to her counselor.”

“We can do that, of course.”

He lay back into the pillows and linked his arms behind his neck, staring up at the ceiling fan, thinking about what all this would mean. “What about my parents? I’m the only one in town.”

“Deirdre and Tony can take care of themselves. Anyway, if you’re all in D.C., maybe they’ll move there.”

“They’d never leave Lakeville.”

“Declan, you don’t see what’s happening. I’m frustrated and getting depressed about it. Sometimes despondent. And whether you admit it or not, our relationship is disintegrating before our eyes. I’m not sure we’re going to make it.”

“Don’t say that.”

“I don’t know what else to say. Go ahead and think about moving. If you don’t, I’ll have a decision to make.”

Horrified, he came up on his elbow and leaned over her. “You mean you’d go without the girls?”

“No, I mean I’d go without you.”

“How can you even think that?”

“I know, honey. I never thought I would. But this is how I feel. I need more.”

More than him and the girls. “Yeah, you’ve made that clear.”

You’re such a hypocrite, Marino. You’re staying because you want more than her and the girls, too.

The notion rested heavy in his heart.

They’d gone for a walk around town after dinner, as Maggie was old enough to sit with the twins for a while. Lila said, “Dec, it’s time.”

It was past time but she’d given him months. She had to let them know in D.C. since the building was completed and Robert Vance wanted her ASAP.

Dec took her hand. “Doesn’t it matter what the counselor said? That she doesn’t think it would be a good idea for Maggie to move?”

Lila was thoughtful. “We can take her to D.C. and get private counseling.”

“No.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t go. I have to do what’s best for her.”

“And you.”

“What?”

“Staying here is the best for you, too.”

“All right, it is. But I’m not being totally selfish.”

“And I am?”

“Yeah, in some ways you are.”

She cocked her head. “My mother says I’ve been living your life for fourteen years. It’s time I lived my own.”

“Is that how you see things?”

“In retrospect, yes. I want you to accommodate my career now, in the way I’ve accommodated yours.”

“Then go. But you’re not taking the kids.”

They reached a bench.

“Let’s sit. This conversation isn’t going the way it should have.”

Fed up and frustrated, Lila said, “No. I’m going for a run. By myself.”

“Lila—”

“We’re done, Declan.”

“Done how?”

“With the seesaw. I’ll make my decision tonight.”

“You can’t be serious. I—”

But she took off running, and didn’t hear the rest.