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Present Day, the week after Sunday dinner

Maggie had to get back to her dorm room. Her hands were shaking and her limbs were cold. She couldn’t banish the images of the family together last Sunday. Uncle Connor and Aunt Calla beaming over having a baby. Aunt Whitney and Max always touching, always close to each other. And Uncle Gabe and Aunt Macy, so pleased by their son Simon. The thought kept running through her mind: had she ever been loved that much?

Her father, on the other hand, had been miserable. He didn’t know she could read him so well, but she’d spent a lifetime trying to please him. Until lately, when it had all gotten to be too much. Besides, she’d eavesdropped on him and Uncle Connor talking and what she heard confirmed what she already knew—he still loved her mother.

Exiting the classroom building, she bumped into Nate. He steadied her. “Hey there, beautiful, where are you going? We have a class together in fifteen minutes.”

“Back to the dorm. I, um, left something there I need for class.”

“I’ll walk you over.”

Oh, God. “No, Nate, thanks, but I’ll be right back.” She took off. She had to get to a private space. She had to. She started to jog and reached her dorm before anybody else could waylay her. Flying up the steps to her floor, she hurried inside her room, and into the bathroom, where she threw water on her face.

After that, after she calmed a little, she took a small case out of the bottom drawer of the vanity. From it she pulled the pocket knife she’d gotten a long time ago for a Girl Scout badge. Flipping it open, she raised up the blouse she wore.

And began to cut.

Lila stared over at her mother at The Capital Grille where they were having their newly-minted weekly lunch. At one time, Lila was hell bent on excising this woman from her life. But since her own daughter had begun to outright alienate her, she’d softened toward the Major General. Lila promised herself she’d nourish their relationship, even if she did have to dance around criticism of the choices Lila had made.

The waiter approached. “Are you ready to order, ladies?”

“Doesn’t this uniform tell you not to call us ladies?” Ruth still worked at the Pentagon, though she was now sixty.

“No offense meant, ma’am.”

“Don’t do it again.” She glanced at the menu through glasses that she’d begun wearing years ago. “I’ll have the sliced strip steak, half an order, with a salad, no dressing and a glass of sparkling water.”

Lila couldn’t help herself. “The Reuben sandwich and a glass of Chardonnay for me, please.”

Her mother’s mouth pinched. With her gray hair still clipped short, she seemed so old. “You should watch your diet, Delilah.”

“And you should splurge on yours, Mother.”

A small smile. One interesting thing that Lila had discovered in her dealings with Ruth Carrier these days was that defying her in certain things didn’t upset her. In actuality, she seemed proud of her daughter for standing up for herself.

“So,” her mother said. “How is it having your children here in D.C.? Does their presence dilute your concentration on your work?”

Lila remembered being that child who’d been left behind. “Is that why you gave me to your parents?”

Her brows raised. “Why, yes. That, and I thought they could raise you better than I could.”

A hollow pit formed in Lila’s stomach. Had her children thought the same thing about her leaving them with Declan when she’d been offered the job here in D.C. three years ago? True, there were extenuating circumstances, but she did admit in the end that their home should be in Lakeville.

“I suppose in some ways they could interfere. But to answer your questions, I love having my children here. I got to spend five days with them last week.”

“Does Robert object?”

“No. We took them with us to a family event and had them to our place for dinner or to sleep when Declan worked nights. Though I’m not sure how overnights will work now that they’ve gotten puppies.”

Dylan and Durango had entered their lives a week ago. And what an upheaval. Two eight-week-old chocolate labs didn’t know night from day and probably couldn’t understand why they’d been ripped from their mother. The girls had been elated.

“Dogs? Oh, Lord.”

“They’re so cute, though.”

Her mother got a faraway expression in her eyes. “You always wanted one. I always said no.”

“Do you ever regret things like that? And not seeing me more?”

A naked expression of guilt crossed Ruth’s face. “Yes, of course. I didn’t do things right. I was young and anxious to make it in the army. I...might have sacrificed our relationship in the process.”

Her mother seemed relieved when their food came, precluding a response. Lila would have to think about what she said. And she’d have to continually deal with the guilt over having done the same—left her daughters—three years ago.

She suspected the puppies weren’t so different from humans.

“BP slipping. Ninety over sixty. Severe abdominal pains. Contusions everywhere.” The paramedic’s voice was tense with worry. “She’s in bad shape, Doctor.”

Declan said calmly, “Center Stage. Get me bags of saline and O-negative blood...” He continued the instructions as he helped wheel the gurney toward the ER main staging area for the very critical. The girl had been brought here because she was literally found outside the hospital and she was indeed critical. “How old is she?”

“We don’t know,” Anabelle told him as they hurried along. “We guessed about thirteen.”

“My girls’ age.”

“It’s awful.”

When they reached their destination, the others took over and hooked up the patient to the appropriate bags. Declan said, “Nurse, could you please cut her clothes off? I need to see the extent of the bruising.”

The man did as he asked and everyone was stunned to see the bulge in her stomach beneath the baggy dress.

“Oh, God.”

“What the hell?”

Declan said simply, “Call the police.”

That evening, the girls had begged Lila stayed with them at their house. Because, she strongly suspected from their attitude, they didn’t really want to be with Robert. She’d have to think about that.

After they finished pizza and salad for dinner, Dylan and Durango romped at their feet in the family room, yipping and barking. Their world seemed to revolve around the new puppies.

“Mommy, remember how you said Mags named us after a TV show?”

Lila picked one up and held it in front of her, the pup’s brown eyes widened like a doe’s at her. “Yes, of course.”

“We named our puppies after our favorite cartoon, too.” Meli was beside herself with joy.

“I wondered about that. They’re adorable.” Her life with Declan was too busy to accommodate dogs, given how busy they were. “Do they sleep with you?”

Morgan wrinkled her nose. “They sleep in the bathroom between us so they can have each other for company. Daddy says they’re too little to sleep with us.”

The three of them stayed for a while more with the dogs, then Lila glanced at the clock. “You should take them out back now to do their business because it’s past your bedtime.”

“Daddy never lets us stay up late,” Meli said mischievously.

“I’ll remember that.”

Bedtime took forever, given the puppies and the girls both couldn’t settle down. Finally though, the rooms got quiet.

Since she’d be here all night, and might have to help with the dogs if they awoke, she stayed in Maggie’s room. Their oldest was in the dorm now and the downstairs den hadn’t been converted to a bedroom yet. Lila brushed her teeth and hair in the common bathroom then went back into Maggie’s room to go to sleep.

She stood inside the door and scanned the area. The space was spartan. Maggie hadn’t put any pictures or posters on the walls and nothing occupied the desk or the top of the dressers. When she’d asked her daughter about this, Maggie had said that she didn’t want to clutter it.

Still thinking about her oldest, she crawled under the covers. Could she have affected Maggie’s state of mind if she’d stayed in Lakeville? The girl had always been hesitant, as if she wasn’t sure she was wanted.

This is the guilt talking .

When they found out she was pregnant, she and Dec had been shocked by the turn of events in their lives, but they’d coped. And when Maggie came into the world, they’d been delighted by her. Did her daughter even know that? Lila climbed out of bed and went to the desk.

Beautiful pink parchment paper had been stowed there. She took out a sheet and began to write.

Dear Maggie,

I’m staying in your room now and have been thinking of you. I’m going to start writing you notes about when you were little because I feel like you don’t understand some things. And because you always seem so sad.

As you’ve probably heard, you were a bit of a surprise when we found out you were coming. But now, I can’t imagine my life without you. And when you were born, it was a halcyon day: Dad was ecstatic and wanted to hold you all the time, and I was enthralled. Did you know I nursed you until you were a year old? As you’ll discover someday, there’s nothing more intimate than giving sustenance to a child. That in itself was a miracle.

When we brought you home, we used to stand by your bassinet with awe and wonderment as you slept. When you began to sleep over longer periods of time, we’d wish you’d wake up because we missed you. That is the honest-to-God’s truth. We loved you so much and still do. So, sweetie, in case you don’t know, you were wanted, and still are.

Love,

Mom

After tucking the letter into a drawer, Lila climbed back into bed and slept soundly. Until 5:30 when she awoke, always, like clockwork. She showered, and, wearing the short terry robe she’d brought in her overnight case, and a towel around her head, she left the room. She hadn’t heard the puppies all night but they were awake now so she scooped them up, headed downstairs and took them out. Then she deposited them in the laundry room where they also had beds and gave them food and water.

Back in the kitchen, she turned on the coffee pot she’d prepared last night. Still thoughtful, she watched the squirrels run around Dec’s backyard. She thought again about how she could help Maggie, but what seemed so clear to her when working with clients wasn’t coming into focus for her own child. Because she was concentrating hard, she was surprised by the garage door going up and Dec appearing in the kitchen. “Oh, hi,” she said as he entered.

Lines around his eyes and mouth and a slightly pale cast to his skin told her he was exhausted. “Hi.” He glanced at the clock. “Still keeping those army hours I see.”

“Yeah. I like getting up early.”

His gaze focused on her head, then dropped to her breasts. Her hand went to the opening of her robe. She looked away but a memory invaded the room...

Hmm. You smell good after a shower.

Thanks.

He’d unknotted the towel. Good enough to eat.

That has possibilities.

When she faced him again, she saw his face was flushed now. Was he remembering the same thing? Rising, she crossed to the pot and refilled her cup. Her back still toward him, she asked, “Want some? Or are you going to bed?”

“I won’t sleep until the girls leave. I’ll have a cup.”

After pouring the brew for him, she turned around and saw him staring out the window, his shoulders slumped.

“Something happen, Dec?”

“Yeah. At work.”

He took a seat at the bar and she joined him. He was a lot bigger than she was and since her youth that seemed so masculine and sexy to her.

“Want to tell me?”

Gripping the cup, he took in a breath. “A thirteen-year-old girl was brought into the ER. She was bruised and battered to the point of unconsciousness, and when we went to examine her, we had to cut off her clothes.”

“What did you find?”

“She was pregnant, Lila. At thirteen. Somebody beat her when she was carrying a child.”

“That’s horrid.”

He raised his gaze to hers. “She died on the table. We couldn’t save her or the baby.”

“Oh, Declan.”

Moisture filled his eyes, which had always killed her. She put her hand on his neck, turned him slightly and pulled him toward her. “You can let loose if you want.”

He nuzzled into her. Didn’t speak. Just stayed there for a few minutes. And God in heaven, it felt wonderful to have him so close. To feel his skin against hers. To listen to his breathing, though it was labored now.

After a while, he drew back. “I kept thinking about when Maggie was born. How at first we didn’t want her then how she became a vital part of our life.” He shook his head. “There’s such evil in the world. I see it in the Middle East when I go there, but this...at home...she was a little older than the twins.”

Lila nodded sympathetically. “I was thinking about Maggie last night.”

“Why, because you stayed in her room?”

“Not exactly. I’ll tell you why some other time. I think you should try to rest.”

“I can’t. And I’d like some distraction.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yep. Spill.”

“I had lunch with my mother yesterday. She admitted she left me with my grandparents because she thought they could raise me better. But she felt real guilt about it. I never knew that.”

“Did her reasoning make you feel better?”

“No. It made me feel even guiltier that I did the same thing with the girls.”

“It was my fault that you left.”

“Partly.” The pain still came at the notion of what went down between them. But she pushed it aside for his sake. “I thought you could raise them better in Lakeville.”

“I could. And Lila, you were not your mother. You had them on holidays and summer vacation. You even made a deal with your employers to work remotely so you could come back to Lakeville and be with them for longer periods of time. My guess is, if your mother had been that attentive, you would have felt more loved as a child.”

“Maybe. Sometimes the juice doesn’t seem to warrant the squeeze.”

“I’m too tired to figure out what that means.”

“What you get out of something isn’t worth the sacrifice.”

“Ah.”

She tugged the towel off her head, and gripped it in her hands. “I shouldn’t be telling you this. You hated it when I left.”

“I did. I still do. But I let you down then, too, and in other ways. I’ll never forgive myself for taking that residency and affecting the entire trajectory of your life.”

“I didn’t know that.”

He lifted his hand and tousled her damp hair. “I’m sorry, Lila. I made mistakes.”

She put her hand back on his neck. “I’m sorry, too, Dec.”

“What are you two doing?”

They sprang apart and turned to find Morgan in the doorway. She took in her parents’ positions, Lila’s dishabille and frowned. “Mommy? Daddy? What are you doing?”

They looked at each other and thought the exact thing. What the hell were they doing?

The following Saturday night in the doctors’ office, before he started his shift, Declan stared blindly at his computer and thought about his family. The girls were staying at Lila’s. With the puppies. He wondered how that was going!

His mind turned to how she’d consoled him Thursday, and how they’d gotten physically close. Her skin had smelled like flowers and the lemony scent of her shampoo enveloped him.

Then Morgan had come in. He’d explained he was upset by a sick patient and her mom felt bad about something else and they were listening to each other. Like they used to do. His child’s only response was You’re not a couple anymore. Lila had left right after and he’d gotten the kids off to school. He’d tried to put her out of his mind all weekend, and when he dropped the kids off at six today, she’d been distant. And with Robert behind her, they didn’t talk.

Shaking himself out of the memories, he called up his account to check the computer to see what had happened with his other patients since he’d been gone, but there was no mention of what had happened after the girl died. Did they find out who beat her? Killed her?

Anabelle Mills, a doctor he worked with often, came into the room and shut the door. Leaned against it. “Declan. How are you?”

She had short blond hair and jade-green eyes. And a toned, fit body, as Lila did. He worked with the woman on most shifts, and she’d made a point of striking up conversations on their downtime, infrequent though that was.

“I’m fine.” He cocked his head. Her voice had held a note of concern. “Why?”

“Because you left right after your shift on Thursday. We were all worried about you. You took Carrie Lincoln’s death hard. I was hoping to console you on that. We all went out for breakfast together.”

“I had to get my kids on the bus.”

And my ex-wife consoled me . Which was not good.

“Oh.”

“But thanks for being concerned.”

Anabelle gave him a look he’d seen before from women. “Declan, I’ve been concerned about you since you started.”

“Have I not been doing my job well?”

“Concerned as in interested, wanting to know you better.”

Connor’s words came to him. You have to move on.

“Well, that’s nice.”

“Is it? Then do you want to get breakfast with me tomorrow morning after our shift ends?”

“Um sure. Yes, that would be something I’d like to do.” He gave her what Lila used to call his killer smile. “Very much.”

“It’s a date.”

He felt better after she left. It was time to move on, especially since he couldn’t get his wife’s touch, her smell and how her drying hair had begun to curl softly around her face. He’d been hard for hours after she left.