Chapter 16

Graham

I’m not happy. I know this isn’t anyone’s fault. The weather can’t be controlled, but I’m still irritated. On the plus side, I’m stranded with Sarah. It’s not a bad way to spend my isolation. Because being snowed in at a small cabin is exactly that — isolated.

I had no idea that the cabin could become snowed in. It’s not so far outside of town, and it’s not in a valley or against the mountain like some of the other cabins I looked at before buying this one. But the weather has been strange lately. Sarah and I were commenting on just the other day. It’s like Mother Nature was holding back, and now, she’s unleashing her full wrath. The idea of a white Christmas being fun and romantic has suddenly turned dark.

Sarah is making us supper. I’m glad that I brought her the groceries now. We probably won’t be snowed in for long, but if we are, we have food to make it through. While she moves around the little kitchen, I watch her. She is graceful and elegant, even though she wears baggy clothes to keep warm. I like watching her move around my little kitchen. She seems to be at home already, finding plates and bowls with ease. I guess she’s had a bit of time to become acquainted with the place.

I think about her house next to mine, and another pang of guilt shoots through my chest. I try to push away, but it won’t go. I did this, I think. I put her out of her house just before Christmas, and now, she is holed up in the freezing little cabin, and we’re snowed in. I thought buying her groceries and Christmas decorations would make up for it. All that happened is that I feel like I’m trying to buy her forgiveness.

“Come up to the attic with me,” I say.

“I’m cooking,” Sarah says, but she looks curious. “What’s up there?”

I know she noticed the stairs that go into the hatch in the ceiling.

“Boxes of books, old DVDs, board games. Everything you would need for a Christmas in the mountains.”

I can see I have her interest. She pulls the pan off the hotplate and rubs her hands on her thighs. She walks with me, and we go to the wooden stairs — it’s more of a glorified ladder. I climb up first, pushing into the attic. It’s dusty and moldy up here, and I wonder if the books will be damaged.

I help Sarah up with me, and we walk to a stack of boxes in the corner. They are labeled — bless whoever did this — and I find the one with old DVDs in it. When I open it, Sarah squeals.

“These are classics!” She takes the DVDs out of the box and goes through them. “This is one of my favorites.” She holds out The Family Stone.

“You have good taste,” I say. “This is one of my favorites, too.”

“We have to watch this,” Sarah says, and I agree. The movie is all about family, Christmas, compromises and love. Not to mention that it has great actors in it.

I suggest we take the whole box downstairs, and Sarah goes first, taking the box from me when I hand it down. We walk with the box back to the TV, and I put in the first DVD. Sarah finishes dinner and serves the plates for us. We sit together on the couch, eating, watching movies.

God, I like this so much. I can’t remember when I last did something like this with a woman. This is the kind of thing I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m getting ahead of myself, but everything about Sarah is amazing. I like spending time with her. I like everything about her. That just makes me feel so much worse for what I did.

I want to make a move. I want to kiss her, make out with her and run my hands over her body. I want to do so much more. But she’s still a little switched off, still a little down about what happened, and I don’t blame her. She’s closed off, and I’m not going to push for something that I don’t deserve. Maybe one day, when everything has blown over, I will keep trying with her. For now, I’m just going to be here for her.

When the movie is finally over, Sarah yawns.

“That was great,” she says. “I’m exhausted. Do you mind if I go to bed?”

I shake my head. “I’m quite tired, too.”

We sit together in silence for a moment, listening to the wind outside. As far as I know, it’s still snowing. Somehow, being enveloped in nature makes the cabin and us seem so much smaller.

“Well, I’m off to bed,” Sarah says, getting up.

I watched her walk to the bedroom she’s chosen for herself. I want to go with her. I want to come up with her, hold her tightly, and keep her warm against the storm. I want to be there for her in every way.

But I can’t.

I get up and switch off all the lights, except for the lights on the Christmas tree. I like the mood that it sets, and I know it’s important to Sarah. I walk to the spare room, ready to spend the night in separate rooms from each other. I’m going to respect her privacy. It kills me that I hurt her. I just want her to be happy.

Before I get in bed, I call Britney. I explain to her that I’m snowed in, and I won’t be able to make it home tonight.

“Where are you?” she asks. “Are you safe?”

“I’m at the cabin,” I say.

Britney has been here with me before, and she knows it well.

“Are you going to be okay, tonight?” I ask her.

“I’ll be fine. The kids are already asleep, safe and warm. It helps that James doesn’t know where I am. You don’t have to worry about me. Have a good night.”

I say goodnight and let her go. I feel torn. On the one hand, I’m right where I want to be with Sarah. On the other hand, I feel like I should be home to look after my sister. I don’t know which I should choose. With the snow so thick and the storm howling outside, I doubt I’m going to go home first thing in the morning, but the snow will eventually melt. When I don’t have an excuse to stay with Sarah, what will my reason be for sticking around? Will it be fair of me to stay here with her when I’ve been a dick to her?

Am I going to live this lie forever?

With all the questions in my mind, it feels like my thoughts are swirling the same way the snowflakes are outside. I close my eyes and focus on calming myself, so I can fall asleep. Tomorrow will be a new day, and hopefully, it will bring new answers.