Chapter 37

Sarah

The following day, I’m starting to feel bad about how I acted. I hid in the restroom from a would-be boyfriend like a child, instead of confronting him and finding out what it was he wanted to say to me. Maybe he came to arrange a time to pick up the rest of my things from the cabin. It’s not like I was answering my phone or anything.

But he did say I could stay there if I needed. Then again, he could have texted.

God, I’m driving myself crazy thinking about this from every angle, and I hate it. I text Graham.

Can I come get my stuff tomorrow? Larry has the day off. He can help me.

I’m nervous about what he might reply. I don’t know if he’ll be hostile or difficult after my behavior yesterday. I wonder if I should apologize, but I feel embarrassed, and he doesn’t deserve an apology, anyway.

Sure, let me know a time.

His reply doesn’t say any more. I’m surprised. I half expected him to either say something about yesterday or to try to speak to me again, to ask for more.

He’s not doing either, and I feel a little let down. Why, I wonder? I was so angry with it all this time, but now, I realize I wanted it. It doesn’t make sense. I have to figure out what I feel about this guy and stick to it. I can’t want him to chase after me and be angry when he does, or want him to leave me alone and then be disappointed when he does.

Of course, what I really want is for him to be the man I thought he was, to be the guy who didn’t lie to me or evict me before Christmas. But that’s just not going to happen.

I call Larry and arrange a time with him before I text Graham again. When Graham responds, it’s with a simple, “ok,” and I feel even more depressed than before.

This feeling is awful. I hate being heartbroken. When Jacob and I split up, the feeling was so intense, I did everything in my power never to feel like that again. I kept everyone at arm’s length. It worked until recently, and it would have continued working if I didn’t fall for Graham.

But there’s nothing I can do about that. The heart wants what it wants, no matter how logical I am about it. And my heart wanted him. I refuse to admit to myself that I still want Graham. I won’t give him that satisfaction, even if he doesn’t know about it. I won’t let him win.

But knowing that a part of me still wants to be with him after what he did to me makes me feel horrible. I’m depressed because I feel like I can’t have him now, and I’m angry because of what he did to me.

And no matter what I feel, none of the emotions is positive.

I’m nervous about seeing him again. When he came to the school, I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know what I wanted to say to him. I didn’t know what he would want to say to me, and it scared me. I couldn’t deal with it then. Now, I’m sitting down and thinking about everything I might want to say to him and to ask him so that I’m prepared.

I want to know why he did it. I want to know why he thought he could mess around with me like that, and why he thought he could keep it a secret from me. Lying is not just wrong in my eyes, it’s also a sign that the liar underestimates my intelligence, thinking I won’t find out.

I doubt it’s what Graham thought, but it makes me angry nevertheless. If there’s one thing I just can’t stand after everything that happened with Jacob, it’s a liar.

Now, when I see Graham again, I will be ready for him. I will know what I want to say to him, know how I feel, and he won’t be able to trick me with his good looks or his charm or the way he seems to understand me in every way. I won’t let him make me feel as special as he does that he tricks me into thinking he cares as much as I thought he did. I will stand firm, and I will hear him out before telling him how it is.

That he’s not welcome in my life anymore.

Just thinking about saying those words to him makes me feel sick to my stomach, and I don’t know if it’s because of how betrayed I feel or how heartbroken I am.

When I finish my work for the day, I have a bit of time to myself before I have to leave. I open my web browser and search for a property rental page. I need to find a place to live. I initially said no to living with Monica because staying on her couch would be imposing on her, and uncomfortable for me when their place was so small. I ended up on their couch, anyway, and I was right.

I feel like I’m intruding and being a burden on them. The place is too small for me and my belongings. I need to get out from under their feet as soon as I can.

There aren’t a lot of places available. No one is thinking about moving so soon after the holidays. I bookmark a few places that I want to go look at. I don’t feel great about any of them, but I need to find something.

Besides, moving to a new place would be final. It would be closing the chapter on Graham for good, although maybe that’s what I need. I still don’t know if it’s what I want, but I think it’s what I need.

“Don’t be an idiot,” I scold myself. To move on from this, to pick myself up like it didn’t happen, is exactly what I need. I’ve been moping around about this guy for far too long, much longer than he deserves, and I will pick myself up and carry on without him. I’ve been alone for a long time. I can do it again.

I ignore the feeling that I don’t want to be alone again, and I push it as deep down as I can.

I will put myself at the top of my priority list again.