Chapter 36

Graham

It’s been a long day. I spent my lunch break driving to Sarah’s workplace instead of eating and now I am paying the price. I rush home to get some dinner and clear my thoughts.

No matter how hard she pushes me away, I can’t stop thinking about her. I can’t stop wanting her back in my life. I know I should probably give up. If a woman goes to the lengths of hiding from you in the bathroom, it’s usually a sign that you should quit.

But I can’t forget about Sarah. When I close my eyes, she’s everywhere. When I try to go about my life, she’s in the small things around me. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at snow again the same way, and that shit comes every year.

Christmas has a different meaning for me now, too, and even though it won’t be back until next year — along with the snow — the decorations are still up everywhere, and I see her in every colorful Christmas ball and angel decoration I see.

I’m in love with her. There’s no denying it. I’ve known for a while, but I’ve stopped fighting it now. It’s a losing battle, anyway. I’m in love with her, and I might be for a while, still.

I’m lying on my bed, and instead of pushing the thoughts of her away like I have been the whole day, I embrace them now. I see her eyes before me, dark and liquid and beautiful. Her light brown hair hangs over her shoulders, framing her delicate face, and when she smiles at me, I want to kiss those lips. Every time. And Sarah smiles a lot.

It’s a pity she won’t speak to me. I was upset about that at first. I needed to be able to justify myself. I’m starting to accept the fact that she won’t speak to me, and that she wants nothing to do with me. I can only be upset for so long before the adrenaline starts to subside, and I must accept things the way they are.

I wish she would hear me out. I would like to explain to her what happened, and why I acted the way I acted. I’m ready to tell her everything, even the parts about Britney. She can know now. She’s already done all the math.

I feel like an idiot for lying to her. I don’t know why I thought I could get away with it. When we were stuck in the snow, it was easy. She couldn’t go to my place and find out for herself what was going on — like she eventually did. But I should have told her when I knew that we were going home. I should have told her the truth and let the pieces fall where they may, instead of being a total idiot and hiding it from her like I thought I could get away with it.

By being sly, I lost her.

And I loved being with her. We get along so well. We have so much in common. We like the same movies, we both enjoy board games and the outdoors. It’s rare to find a woman who’s not high maintenance, who can get her hands dirty and who will exert herself. Sarah is real. I’ve been with so many women who weren’t. Yes, it was just sex with them, which was why I didn’t care, but because of how real things were with Sarah, I started wanting more with her.

I think back to the nights we spent together. I slept with her twice, and both times had been pure ecstasy. Sarah is completely comfortable in her own skin. It’s not often you come across a woman like that. Women are often self-conscious and unhappy with their bodies. I can’t see any of that in Sarah. She seems to be confident, and that just adds to her beauty.

That confidence makes her amazing in bed, too. A woman who doesn’t feel like she has anything to hide is open to so much more once the clothes come off. And God, when her clothes come off, I sit up and beg.

Her body is perfect — curvy and trim, and her breasts are the perfect size. Her waist is so small, I can almost stretch one hand across it, and her hips widen out beautifully.

I’m getting horny just thinking about her body. I think back to the night she came to my room and woke me up. It was such a treat. It was every man’s fantasy.

And it was real.

When I close my eyes, I can still feel her hot fingers on my shaft, her tender kiss as she leaned over me to wake me up.

And then her lips closing around my dick, soft and warm. Her tongue swirled around the head, and it was hard not to lose my load right then.

My dick is starting to get hard, thinking about the sex we had. I reach into my pants and tug at it, trying to get comfortable in the space that gets smaller when I get hard. I undo my pants to give myself room, and I tug at myself again. My hands on my flesh feel good. Not nearly as good as when Sarah touches me, but I’m turned on, and I want a release.

I palm myself and start rubbing my hand up and down my shaft. I imagine it’s Sarah touching me, holding me. I picture her closing her lips around my cock and pushing me into her mouth as she rolls her eyes up to look at me. God, it’s hot when she’s on her knees in front of me, giving me a perfect view of her tits on either side of my dick as I slide in and out of her mouth.

I jack myself off harder, pumping my hand up and down with smooth, steady strokes. I picture Sarah on top of me. Her legs straddle my hips, and her pussy swallows my cock whole. She bucks her hips, riding me harder and harder. Her hands are on my chest as she holds herself up. She’s gasping and moaning, and I love the sounds that come out of her mouth when I’m fucking her.

God, I want her for real. Fucking myself with my hand is wholly unsatisfying compared to what it’s like to be with Sarah, and I have a feeling other women will be unsatisfying, too. I only want her now. She’s become my addiction.

My orgasm builds, my balls tighten, and I think about nailing Sarah from behind, pounding into her so that her ass jiggles. It’s a sight for sore eyes, seeing her cheeks wobble back and forth as I fuck her. I love it when her body responds to me.

I come in my hand, releasing with a cry as I give myself one final tug. I pump hot liquid all over my shirt, and when I’m done, I curse at the mess I’ve made.

I pull off the shirt and dry my cock with it before I toss it in the laundry hamper. I lay back on the bed when it’s over, breathing a little harder than normal, but I’m not spent. I’m not even satisfied. I got a release, and it took the edge off, but it didn’t help at all with my craving for Sarah. I doubt that will ever go away. Unless I have her, I’m not going to be satisfied ever again.

There’s nothing as torturous as knowing that, and not being able to do anything about it.