Chapter 20

Graham

I don’t sleep after we have sex. Sarah seems to doze off a little in my arms, but I’m wide awake, listening to her breathing, her hair draped on my shoulder, her hand on my chest. Holding her this close is something I’ve been waiting for ever since we met.

I can’t believe we’ve come this far. I can’t believe I finally fucked her. God, it was good.

After a while, Sarah rolls onto her back, away from me. She sits up, and she looks a little shy, unsure.

I watch her as she gets off the bed and finds a robe that she pulls around herself. Now that the passion has cooled for the moment, I know she’s shyer again. I half expected it.

To stop her from feeling embarrassed, I cover myself, too.

“How about we get out of this cabin for a bit?” I suggest. “We’ve been stuck inside for some time now. Some fresh air will be great.”

“You want to go out into the snow?” she asks.

“Unless you don’t want to.”

She shakes her head. “No, I’d love that.” She smiles at me, her eyes bright and her shyness forgotten.

She leaves to go to her own room, and I get up to get dressed. When we’re both ready, we’re bundled up, ready for the cold outside. As soon as I open the front door, an icy wind sweeps into the cabin.

“God, it’s colder than I thought,” Sarah says. We step out into the snow. The layout of the cabin prevented the snow from going up right against the door, but just a bit farther, the snow is thick and fluffy.

“How deep do you think this is?” Sarah asks.

“I would say about three feet, easily,” I say. I’m looking at my car, and it’s half buried.

Sarah looks around. I must admit, being snowed in aside, the place looks amazing with so much snow. It’s thick on the black, naked branches, and the snow is untouched and beautiful everywhere. In town, snow turns into a brown slush so easily from a combination of tires, salt, sand and dirt. Out here, there’s nothing to mess up the natural beauty.

“This is amazing,” Sarah says, and we start hiking as far as we can. In some places, there are drifts up to six feet deep, and it’s these places that keep us snowed in at the cabin. We can’t go anywhere past this, not even on foot, because it’s dangerous. We don’t know what’s beneath it. But it’s good to get out and stretch our legs, and Sarah seems to be an outdoorsy person.

I’m surprised by it. Every time I find out something about her, I’m surprised. It’s like I’m peeling back one delicious layer after another, revealing more of her amazing personality every time.

It also makes me feel that much guiltier about what I did to her, especially now that we had sex. It’s not just about us being friends anymore. It’s more than that now. It’s been more than that for a while, but with me holding back, I could convince myself that it’s nothing serious.

It’s serious now. I’m serious about her.

And I lied to her. I’m such a fucking dick. I have to tell her at some point. I need to let her know who I am and what I did to her. I feel terrible about lying to her now, on top of everything.

But if I tell her now, however long we’re stuck here for, I won’t have her. She’ll be angry, and I won’t be able to give her space or make it better in any way. Because the truth is, I did something horrible to her — I kicked her out of her home just before Christmas.

I watch her as we hike through the snow. Her cheeks are flushed, her dark eyes bright, and she’s beautiful. I can’t do this to her. Not now.

I decide to confess some other time — later, after we get out of here.

“So, what are we going to do about Christmas dinner?” Sarah asks when we head back to the cabin. “We don’t have anything special.”

I think about it. “Well, we have some chicken we can do something with.”

“I can do veggies,” Sarah adds.

“And we’ll make a plan for dessert. It’s not amazing, but it will do.”

Sarah smiles at me. “I’m sure it will be great.”

We get back to the cabin and start our preparations. I find CDs with Christmas music in the attic, and we get busy in the kitchen. I’m preparing the chicken while Sarah slices vegetables for me. Spending time together preparing the food is so much fun. It feels comfortable and right, and I can see myself doing this with her in the future.

The thought stops me in my tracks. I’m falling hard for this girl if I’m thinking about having a future with her. But the thought doesn’t scare me. If anything, it excites me. Unfortunately, my excitement is overshadowed by the terrible thing I’ve done. Thinking of that makes me think of Britney.

“Are you okay to carry on here?” I ask Sarah after a while. “I’ll be right back.”

Sarah nods, and I pull a jacket on before stepping outside into the snow. I dial Britney’s number.

“Are you okay?” I ask when she picks up.

“I’m fine, Graham. Really. You don’t have to worry about me so much. I’m happy to be out of that place so that memories of James — if not James himself — can’t haunt me.”

I’m glad my sister is okay, but I still worry. I feel like I should be there. It’s why I put her up next door. It’s ironic that I evicted Sarah for the sake of having Britney right next door, only to be stranded on the other side of town in the cabin with Sarah.

“I can’t make it tonight,” I tell her. “I’m still stuck here, but I’ll let you know the moment I can get back.”

“Are you all alone?” Britney asks.

I look to the cabin. “Not exactly,” I say. “I’m with a tenant.”

“Male or female?” Britney asks.

I smile, but I’m not going to tell her anything.

“I have to go,” I say without answering her. “I’ll call you again tomorrow.”

“And then you’ll tell me all about her,” she says, and I can tell she is smiling.

“Bye, Britney,” I say and hang up the phone, but I’m smiling, too. When I walk back into the house, I take a moment to watch Sarah move around the kitchen. She’s elegant and graceful and everything I don’t want to lose right now.