Chapter 35

Sarah

I go back to work. I hate it. Everyone is still in holiday mode, intent on spreading the festive cheer, and I’m so over it.

In short, I feel like crap. I don’t want to be around people. I know I’m being a little melodramatic, but I reserve the right to be so when I’ve had my heart broken. I want to lock myself in a quiet room somewhere so I don’t have to plaster a fake smile on my face, and forget about everything that happened over the Christmas break.

Which is the one thing I can’t do, because my job is all about working with people, and there are at least three other women I must face daily in the open-plan office.

Everywhere I go, people are sharing their happy holiday stories with each other. They talk about how nice it was to see their families again, how lucky we were to have a white Christmas in the true sense of the word, how convenient it was that the blizzard happened over Christmas so that we didn’t have to close the school for a snow day.

I don’t want to hear any of it. I wasn’t with my family for Christmas. I was with the one man who turned out to have stolen my holiday — and my house — from me. The white Christmas was a curse, not a blessing, and I wish for a snow day so that I don’t have to be here around all the people who are so damn happy.

I even had a terrible New Year’s Eve. Monica and Larry went out with friends they had long-standing plans with and Lindsay had a sleepover at her friend’s home. I fell asleep on the couch early that night and didn’t even wake up until seven the next morning.

I know I’m just being sour. I should be happy, cheerful like I always am. What happened to the woman who’s always in a good mood and takes everything in stride? That’s an easy one to answer. She fell in love with the wrong guy.

When I sit down behind my desk after all the teachers and secretaries caught up, it’s time to start working, Margot rolls her office chair over to my desk. She’s a hefty woman with a bosom that promises awkward hugs, hair that’s a shade too red, and when she smiles at me today, she has lipstick on her teeth. Usually, I like talking to her. She’s always positive, and I like to think I am, too. At least, I was.

“How was your Christmas, Sarah?” she asks, clutching a half-empty cup of coffee.

“It was different than expected,” I say. What an understatement.

“How is your family doing?” Margot asks. I don’t think she even remembers Monica’s name.

“They’re doing well. I know my niece would rather be out playing in the snow than be back in class.”

Margot laughs. “Children only value education when they’re much older.”

Right. I give Margot an empty smile, and her phone rings on her desk.

“Oh, duty calls,” she says and laughs like it was funny before rolling back to her desk. I roll my eyes when her back is turned. I don’t dislike the woman. Right now, I just don’t like anyone.

It’s hard to get through the rest of the day, pretending to be in a good mood when I’m not so that everyone doesn’t keep asking me what’s wrong.

During my lunch break, I text Monica.

Do you think I should talk to him? A part of me wants to talk to him. Is that weird?

She doesn’t take long to reply.

It’s not weird. Do what you feel is right. Follow your heart.

I don’t like her answer. It’s the perfect answer, of course, but I don’t know what my heart is saying to me. I was hoping she would give me a straightforward answer so I could follow it blindly.

Do you think he’s a bad guy?

Her reply is almost immediate.

I don’t. Everyone makes mistakes.

I take a deep breath. Well, Lindsay gets her wisdom from someone, of course. Monica is wise, but it’s hard to just let go and forgive Graham for what he’s done because “everyone makes mistakes.”

My anger is starting to subside. I’m still hurt, but without the anger to fuel me, I’m starting to weaken, and I’m thinking about everything that happened in a different light. I miss Graham. We didn’t know each other for very long, but after spending a few days with him and only him, I got attached to him very quickly. In the absence of anger, I think about a lot of things we did together, and I want that back.

I just don’t know what to do. I think I’ll probably speak to him, though. When Lindsay told me everyone deserves a second chance, I told myself forgiveness can only happen after an apology. I never gave him the chance to offer me one, so who is wrong then?

When my lunch break is over, I get back to dealing with the backlog of work that piled up over the Christmas break.

“Someone’s here to see you,” Margot says to me a moment later. When I look up, I see Graham at the little window where all visitors to the school must announce themselves. His eyes meet mine the moment I do, and my stomach turns.

I panic. Deciding to speak to him and being emotionally ready for it are two very different things. I only just decided, and now he’s here in my work place.

“What are you going here?” I ask.

“I just want to talk,” he says.

I shake my head and get up, moving away from my desk. “Well, I don’t.”

“Sarah,” he says, and like a coward, I run.

I run away from him, heading to the ladies’ room at the back of the office section. Like a stupid teenager, I hide in the restroom, knowing it will keep me safe from him because he can’t come after me.

I stay in the restroom for far longer than is necessary. When I finally come out, Graham is gone, and I let out a breath in relief.

“What was that all about?” Margot asks when I sit down behind my desk again.

I shrug, trying to look indifferent. On the inside, I’m freaking out. I’m still on an adrenaline high, and I feel like an idiot for how I behaved.

“Just a fling,” I say. “You know how it goes.”

“I do. And that didn’t look anything like a fling to me.”

When I glance at Margot, she’s looking at me over the rims of her glasses, and I feel like I’m on the spot. But I don’t have to explain myself. I don’t owe her anything. So, I shrug again and turn my attention back to my work, focusing hard. Eventually, Margot turns her attention back to her work, too.

God, could today go any worse? I didn’t expect him to arrive at work. The more I think about it, the angrier I become again. I told him I didn’t want to speak with him. Who is he to barge into my place of work and bother me where I can’t get away from him? Well, I did get away, but he wasn’t welcome, and it’s not fair of him to corner me like that.

When I decide I want to talk to him, I want to have the liberty to set up a meeting with him and talk about things. I want to be able to prepare. Everything about today was uncalled for, and I feel like he just made it all that much worse because now, I don’t only feel betrayed, I feel like a coward, too.