Chapter 31

Sarah

This is the worst Christmas of my life. Usually, I love the holidays. Christmas is my favorite time of year. The decorations make me happy, buying presents is fulfilling, and I love appreciating my family. It’s the one time of year when everyone loves everyone.

Except this year. This year, loving someone bit me in the ass.

I hate spending Christmas this way, moping and heartbroken. I was hoping that the more time passes, the easier it would become, but it just feels like it’s getting worse. It’s Saturday, and Larry can finally help me pick up my stuff from the cabin. Monica is at home with Lindsay, in case something happens that we don’t want her to see. Larry is driving, and we sit together in awkward silence. I adore the man for the life he has given my sister, but I’ve never known what to say to him.

My stomach tightens, and I’m so nervous that I’m scared I’m going to throw up. I’m going to have to face Graham again, when all I want to do is forget he ever existed. I hate that he has a cabin to unlock for us. It makes me wish that I’d taken the keys with me. Maybe it’s better this way. It will create closure for me when I remove all my things and see him standing there at the empty cabin when I leave.

When we finally arrive at the cabin, Graham is already there. He’s leaning against his car, hands in his pockets, and the first thing I think is how attractive he is. Dammit, why can’t I just hate the man?

Graham pushes away from the car, and when his eyes meet mine, all my anger rushes back. Thank God. The anger is what I need to be able to get through this. I can’t be attracted to him, not today. I can’t consider for two seconds that this is the man I thought I could love. Of course, it’s easier said than done. With my mind, I can rationalize what I should feel for this man, but my heart feels differently. I still feel something for Graham. Thankfully, that makes me even angrier.

“Sarah,” Graham says, walking to me. “Please, can we talk?”

I shake my head and push past him. “Is the cabin unlocked?” I ask, my back already turned to him.

I hear his boots in the snow, coming after me.

“Please, just hear me out,” he says. He’s begging. I hate that. Usually, I don’t give in when people beg and plead, but it’s Graham, and it feels almost impossible to say no to him. Well, I’m not going to give in.

“I don’t want to talk, Graham. You’ve done enough.” I speak to him over my shoulder. I’m scared that if I look into his dark blue eyes, I’ll change my mind. I storm into the cabin and start collecting my things. Most of my boxes are still sealed shut, which makes it easy to carry them out to the car. I scrape together the rest of my things, my make-up, brush, shoes and other clothes that I hung in the closet. Larry goes into the living room and starts picking up two stacked boxes at a time taking them to his car.

Being in the cabin brings back a rush of memories that threaten to suffocate me. Graham trails behind me, probably hopeful that I’ll change my mind and speak to him. I won’t. I hold onto my anger tightly with both hands, letting it fuel me.

“You don’t have to leave, you know,” Graham says softly at some point. “You can still stay here. I’ll stay away from you completely.”

I shake my head. “You and I both know I can’t do that.” I don’t need to explain to him how hard it will be to live here after everything we’ve been through together, after everything he’s done to me. There’s no way I can sleep in the cabin every night, walking past the room he slept in every day, sitting at the little table we ate at together every day, pretending that nothing ever happened.

Graham is quiet for a while. A part of me wishes that he’ll say more, that I’ll be forced to speak to him. A part of me is relieved that he finally respects my wishes.

“Where will you go, then?” Graham asks quietly.

“I’ll probably sleep on Monica’s couch. I don’t have anywhere else to go.”

“Yes, you do,” Graham says. “I’m giving you a place to stay.”

I turn around, burning with fury. “No, Graham. You’re the one who took my place away. Are you going to evict someone else who’s done nothing to deserve it?”

I don’t have to say anything else. Graham flinches like my words are physical punches, and a part of me is happy that he realizes how much pain he’s caused me. Again, another part of me is in conflict, and I feel bad for causing him pain. How fucking ironic. He hurts me, taking my home away before Christmas, lying to me and making me believe that he loves me, and I feel bad that he is feeling hurt.

Maybe, this is why I end up heartbroken every time. It’s because I care too damn much.

Suddenly, the emotions are too much to bear. They build, and I can’t take it anymore. I’m starting to cry, and if there is anything I don’t want Graham to see, it’s that he managed to make me cry. No man deserves my tears.

“Larry,” I say. He’s carrying more boxes from the living room. “That’s enough for now. We’ll have to come back some other time to get the rest.”

“Are you sure?” Larry asks.

I nod. I must get out of here. I take the most important things, throw them in a bag, and head out to the car. Graham is running after me again, and I wish he would just stop.

“Haven’t you made things bad enough?” I ask, spinning around, and my outburst takes him by surprise. “I’m leaving now. I’ll let you know when I’m able to come back here, but for now, I need time to myself.”

Graham opens his mouth to speak, but I shake my head and lift my hand, stopping him. Whatever he has to say, I don’t want to hear it. Either he is going to make me angrier, or more hurt. I don’t have the energy for either. Without looking at him again, I start to get into the passenger seat of Larry’s car. We have loaded enough for me to get by at Monica’s place. Right now, I just have to get away from Graham and the pain that came with him.