January the 1st
My phone vibrated on the the chest beside my bed. ‘Hi Mil—’
‘Ivy, you sneak. Who are you seeing? Rick told Steve he rang you last night and a guy answered your mobile.’
I took a breath to answer Milly, but I didn’t get a word out.
‘Why haven’t you told me? Who is he? Where did you meet him? Are you sleeping with him? Is he fit? What does he look like?’ The barrage of questions finally dried.
‘Which question do you want me to answer first?’
‘Are you sleeping with him?’
‘Yes…’ The word came out on a sigh of memory. I was still in bed, and my sheet was warm and creased from where the two of us had squashed up in my bed. We’d had sex and then he’d slept here. The smell of his aftershave lingered on the pillow.
‘Oh my God, you whore!’ Milly laughed. ‘It’s only been weeks.’
‘I know, for God’s sake don’t tell Rick. Mum said he was acting weird enough over Christmas.’
‘He was weird last night, crying into his lager and staring at his phone all night.’
‘He wasn’t just staring into his phone – he texted me ten times and then he rang at about quarter to one in the morning.’
‘When he left here… Well, now Steve has taken him out, to take his mind off you, and I’m sitting here on my own. Come over and you can tell me all about this new fella. Is he fit?’
‘Oh God, so fit … What other question did you ask? Oh yeah, and the sex is amazing… I spent Christmas with him too, and it’s been the best time ever. He makes me feel alive, Milly. I’ve never felt like this.’
‘You have to come over and tell me!’
‘I’ll be an hour. I have to get dressed first.’
‘You aren’t in bed with him now?’
‘No. He left about two hours ago. He had somewhere to go.’
‘He’s not a player.’
‘No, or maybe he is, but I know where he had to go, he wasn’t running out on me. I’ll tell you all about him when I get to yours.’ I wouldn’t tell her everything, though. I was keeping Jack’s identity my secret.
‘Okay. See you soon.’
‘Yeah. See you soon.’
When I walked through the revolving doors into the ground-floor reception at work, the bass rhythm in my chest lifted to a heavy thudding sound. It made me think of the Arctic Monkeys’ album, which had been Jack’s sex soundtrack most of the time we’d been away.
When I walked up the stairs the memory of the music made me recall some of the explicit details of the sex it had accompanied.
But I’d thought about the sex all the way into work too and it had been really hot on the cramped rush-hour tube train. I’d been sweating inside my coat, and turned on, recalling all the stuff Jack and I had got up to. How was I going to look at him today and act as though it hadn’t happened?
As I reached the office door, my heart beat manically: so fast I felt as if I’d run to work. I took a breath but the air wouldn’t go into my lungs. Giving in to panic wasn’t going to make this easier. I could’ve called in sick, but that would’ve only delayed the inevitable. If I still wanted my job I had to do this.
I wish he’d talked about work before he’d left yesterday. He was the boss, he had to play the lead in this, and he could have said I’ll see you at work and smile at you to say hi – or something like that, so I felt easier.
I felt embarrassed, terrified and awkward. It was like this was my first day again – only a thousand times worse. Because he hadn’t said anything.
‘Morning, Ivy. Did you have a good holiday?’ Tina greeted me as she always did, like she did everyone when they walked through the door.
‘Yes, it was okay. You…’ I bet I blushed as memories of how okay it had been tumbled around in my head.
‘Really good, thanks. But here we are back at work, and it’s a new year.’
‘Yeah.’ A new year. A new start. ‘Happy New Year.’
‘Happy New Year,’ she acknowledged.
I took my coat, scarf and the hat Jack had bought me off and noticed he was already in his office. I tried not to look. I couldn’t remember how to naturally glance his way. Yet I’d watched him loads before we’d snuck off and been naughty together. Instead I stared bizarrely at the coat rack, hanging everything carefully.
My heart dropped to my tummy and bile gathered in my throat when I turned around. In my head the whole room watched me. Of course, no one was watching, not even Jack. I didn’t even know if he knew I was here yet, and if he did know, I didn’t know if he cared.
When we’d agreed on our naughty, nasty sex expedition, he’d said we’d come back and act like normal, and while we were away he’d focused on the moment, not the future – there had been no other conversations to use as a compass to help me navigate this. From what we’d agreed, he was supposed to be nothing but my boss today. But on New Year’s Eve he’d blurred the boundaries, he’d asked me up here, and we’d had sex in his office and then he’d spent the night in my bed… and what now? I hadn’t heard from him since he’d left yesterday.
I sighed when I sat down and turned my laptop on.
‘Happy New Year,’ Phil said across the desk.
I looked up. ‘Happy New Year.’ Then I looked at Mary, who sat next to me. ‘You too, Mary. Did you both have a good time?’
Phil was replying when Tina’s phone rang on an internal tone. ‘Hi Jack.’
All my attention was pulled away and my heart pounded. I glanced into his office. I still wasn’t sure if he knew I was here.
‘Yes, okay, sure,’ Tina said.
When she put the phone down she shouted out. ‘Jack wants us all in the creativity room in fifteen! So he said get a drink or have a pee if you need one!’
Half the room laughed, some of the other half groaned. But that was Jack – full-on inappropriate. People stood up to fetch drinks, but then someone suggested a proper coffee run. I didn’t volunteer, and I tried not to look when Tina went into Jack’s office and asked him if he wanted an espresso.
When Tina came back with the coffees and Jack walked out of his office, a shiver ran up my spine. This was too weird.
I stood up when everyone else did and followed him towards the creativity room, picking up my coffee. But my heart raced like he was leading me by the hand and then backing me on to the cushions in the cottage.
At least when we were in the room I always sat in the same place, so it wasn’t difficult choosing where to sit. But usually through the Monday-morning meetings Jack’s gaze kept catching on mine and he’d give me a quirky little smile. Today when he started the meeting he looked everywhere but at me.
He talked through all the work we had on and made everyone do an update on where they were and say whether they needed any support. I thought he would look at me and ask about the Berkeley account, but he didn’t ask about it and all the stuff I’d been working on was still all over the wall behind his head. Surely that wasn’t just strange to me.
‘So that’s it, then. Everyone get to it. New year, new start and all that jazz.’
I’d used that phrase in my head an hour ago. I hated it now. New year, new start… What did he mean by it? That I was forgotten – over and done with.
The prick.
Anger bubbled up when I left the meeting. I probably had volcano spume coming out of my head when I sat down at my desk. Phil came to stand by me a couple of minutes later.
I was working out a way to go into Jack’s office and tear up at him.
Phil leaned on my desk and spoke in a quiet voice. ‘Jack just asked me to manage the Berkeley account with you—’
‘What? Why? I’m managing it. He said I could. It’s my start-up account.’
‘I know. I’m not taking it off you. He just said would you report to me about it, not him. He’s busy with the Mack’s account.’
He wasn’t fucking busy! I glanced into his office. If he hadn’t been on the phone I’d have gone in there and made a huge scene that would’ve given us away. But he was on the phone. Instead I bit my lip, looked at Phil and nodded.
It meant Phil would be asked to update next Monday. It meant I had no good reason to talk to Jack at work.
‘I saw all the stuff on the wall in there. It looks like you’ve some ideas forming if you want to talk about them…’
‘No.’ I couldn’t talk to anyone right now. I swallowed back my anger. ‘The plans aren’t ready yet. I’m still coming up with ideas.’
As soon as Phil turned to sit down, I pulled out my mobile. Jack’s number was near the top on my stream because he’d called me New Year’s Eve.
‘Why did you pass my account to Phil? And why didn’t you even look at me in the meeting!!!’
I watched him through the glass surrounding his office, Captain fucking Control! He read the text and he looked pissed off – but he still didn’t look at me.
My phone vibrated in my hand. ‘Don’t text me here, people will notice it.’ Was that all. Don’t text him. I wanted to go in there and chuck his coffee in his face.
He’d sold me the heart-pounding rush of thrilling, desperate-feeling sex. I’d had a whole sack full of it over the holidays. But the deal was over now – all I had left of his thrill rides was the rush of anger.
He’d dumped me. Without even saying he was dumping me. And the bastard had called me into the office for sex New Year’s Eve like I was one of his high-end fucking prostitutes – the only difference was I’d been free.
Jack was a prick.
It felt like I did the walk of shame around the office all day. So I spent most of it in the creativity room – hiding. But I was even more determined to come up with a fabulous idea so I could shove it in Jack’s face and make him feel guilty. He was an asshole.
Emma came into the room at one point and she rubbed my arm, in a big sister, not a boss, way. ‘Are you alright? You seem quiet today… Did you have a bad time? Are things settled with Rick?’
I smiled at her, with gritted teeth holding in the words… I had a great time, until your shithead partner screwed me over. I wouldn’t have cared if the sex had ended and been left at the cottage. But he’d called me New Year’s Eve! ‘I’m fine. Everything’s alright. Thanks.’
When the hands on the wall clock ticked over to hit five, I went back into the office, grabbed my bag and coat and walked out without saying goodbye to anyone. I put my coat on as I ran down the stairs.
When I stepped out the other side of the revolving doors, the polluted London air hit me. My lungs longed for the fresh air around Jack’s cottage.
‘Ivy. I want to talk to you and you won’t speak to me on the phone.’
Oh shit. ‘Rick.’
He held my arm
Someone came through the door behind me. Feminine heels struck the pavement. ‘Ivy…’ I glanced back. It was Emma. Her eyes said, do you need help?
No. God, I’d been grumbling to myself about Jack dumping me without words all day, and we’d only been together a week. I’d played with Rick’s feelings for years. I owed him a little more explanation time and more time to make me feel like shit for walking out on him. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Emma.’ She nodded and walked on.
I faced Rick. He was a big guy – broad and bulky, with his classic rugby build. I suppose he could look threatening and maybe Emma had thought that, but Rick was a giant teddy bear. ‘You can walk with me to the tube if you like.’
He breathed in as if that meant the world to him.
I turned and started walking – he fell into pace beside me. ‘How are you?’ I asked, to break the silence.
‘Why did you stop replying to my texts or answering my calls?’
There hadn’t been any since Jack had answered the phone, but that had been less than forty-eight hours ago.
‘I’m sorry, Rick, but you have to get that it’s over.’ I slid my hands into my pockets, trying to speak as gently, but as bluntly, as I could. I hadn’t wanted to hurt him, but nor had I wanted to continue hurting myself.
‘You don’t have to marry me; it doesn’t have to be over. Things can stay as they were.’
I breathed out. Why was he finding it so hard to get that it had ended?
‘When you asked me, you made me realise I didn’t see us as forever, and if we aren’t forever then I’ve been wasting your life. You shouldn’t want me. You should move on and find a girl who wants to marry you.’
‘And if I don’t want anyone else? All the guys have always said you’re way above my league. I’m not going to find anyone as good as you… and I don’t want to.’
We’d reached the subway and I didn’t know what to say, but he managed the moment – he slipped his arm around my shoulders to steer me through the human traffic and walked down the steps with me. He paid for my ticket too, with his card at the barrier, then paid for his, and then stepped on to the escalator behind me. Of course the flat we used to share was in the same direction as my new place, just a couple of stops away.
I leaned against a pillar when we stood in the tube carriage and he gripped the bar over my head with both hands. Rick was as big as an ox but as soft as snow. He’d been bullied at school but then he’d discovered rugby and put on inches in height he’d worked hard to swell out, and he hadn’t ever worried about bullies again.
‘Who was the guy who answered the phone?’
‘Just a guy, Rick. He’s nothing to do with you.’
‘A one-night stand?’
Yes. No. A one-week stand. Except neither of us could walk away from the other after the week. Unless I chose to pack in my job – it was an option floating around in my head. ‘No. It’s just a guy who’s a friend.’
‘What sort of friend?’
‘It really is none of your business.’ The carriage swayed along the track and jolted his body against mine. I was glad it was winter and I had my coat on, otherwise it would feel too awkward.
I glanced away from Rick, hiding from the unspoken question in his eyes: did you have sex with him?
He knew he’d been my only guy – it would shift everything that had been between us.
It had shifted every bit of ground I’d built my life on so far.
A woman looked at me from across the carriage. She looked like she was worried for me. I smiled at her, then caught a couple of other people looking. Maybe Rick’s body language looked aggressive. But he was upset. If the tables were turned, I’d be upset. I understood why he was so pissed off with me. But I didn’t know how to break the chain I seemed to have wrapped around his heart.
‘You did…’
He sounded broken. I looked back at him and saw anguish in his eyes. ‘It was nothing, okay, and it’s already over. But that doesn’t mean there’s ever going to be a you-and-me again. He shouldn’t have answered the phone to you. That would have annoyed me too. But it was only because—’
‘Did I interrupt you? Well sorry for, fucking, that.’ He pushed off the bar and turned to look as we pulled into a station. It was my stop. It wasn’t his stop, but he followed me through the doors when they opened, then his hand came down on my shoulder, steering me through the people.
When we reached the street, he said, ‘Which way?’
I sighed. ‘Right.’
He walked with me, his arm still around my shoulders, even though I’d confirmed I’d slept with someone else. ‘Steve said you told Milly you were with the guy over Christmas.’
Oh shit, was it fair of me to expect Milly to keep stuff from Steve? I was going to have to either swear her to secrecy on everything or not tell the one person I felt able to tell everything to.
But I wasn’t Jack; I wasn’t Mrs Secretive and I wasn’t a liar.
‘He’s a player. So now you can get why it’s all burned out already. I’m over him and he’s over me, and maybe that’s something you need to learn to do, move on to someone else.’
‘Maybe it’s something I never want to do’ His hand slid from my shoulder, which was probably what I’d subconsciously wished for when I’d said that. ‘Nor do I want to think of you doing it with someone like that. You aren’t like that, Ivy.’
I looked at him as I walked. That is exactly where you went wrong, Rick. Because I am like that. I am very like that. I loved every minute of it, and I want it repeated ten times over. I do not regret it. I didn’t, even though Jack had ignored me all day, even if he ignored me forever.
Before we turned into my road, a big guy walked past us, he had his hood up, but it looked like he smiled. He looked like the guy I’d seen the night Jack had picked me up.
When I stopped outside the house my flat was in, Rick looked up at it. ‘So this is where you’re living?’
‘Yes.’
He followed me up the front steps. My heart thumped. I didn’t know if he expected me to invite him in, but it was only a tiny room. I didn’t want him in there, sitting on the bed, even to drink a mug of coffee. It would feel screamingly awkward. ‘I…’ don’t know how to get rid of you. ‘I’m really sorry, Rick. I don’t mind being friends, if you want to be friends. But I’m not sure it’s a good idea…’
‘It’s not such a bad idea if that’s all you’re offering.’
‘Okay, then, let’s be friends. Friends.’ I held my hand out to him.
He shook it and nodded, once. ‘Friends.’
I turned to press the code in to open the door, then turned back; he was watching me, he hadn’t turned away. I didn’t open the door. ‘And no crazy texting, Rick. Please. No pleading messages. No middle- of-the-night calls… It was getting ridiculous. I care for you, but I don’t want to be with you. I’m sorry.’
He stared at me for a moment, his eyes shimmering, but if it was tears, he held them back, and then he said, ‘Okay.’
I turned to look back at the keypad and pressed the code in again. Then glanced back. Rick was still standing on the step behind me.
‘I’ll see you around.’ Go away.
‘Yeah.’ He turned and finally walked down the steps. I pushed the door open, then looked back just as he did too. I lifted a hand.
He lifted his hand.
Pride stormed through my soul as I walked inside and checked my post box. I’d handled that really well. Better than Jack. And better than Rick too. I’d intended to get in and immediately ring Jack and let rip… But now… I didn’t want to be like Rick. If Jack wanted to sweep Christmas and New Year under a rug, let him. I could deal with it. I could even deal with his cold-shouldering me at work. Christmas had been a wonderful experience, but now it was time to get back in the present and move on. I had more memories to make. So fuck Jack. I was not going to let myself react to his arrogance.
I felt better – like I was on top of the cliff.
In a few weeks I’d look back and be proud of myself for handling this so well and taking control of it.
Greg, my landlord, came out of his flat on the ground floor. ‘Hi, Ivy.’ He smiled at me.
I hadn’t got the measure of him yet; he was nice, but almost too friendly. He was up-in-my-face friendly.
‘Just got in from work?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’m going to the pub – you can come if you want?’
I smiled awkwardly. ‘Thanks, but no thanks. I’m not really in the mood.’
‘Well, okay, but if you ever fancy it…’
He smiled again as I walked past him.
He was probably twenty years older than me, and his over-friendliness bordered on creepy sometimes. I’d never feel like going for a drink with him. I had a sense he’d take it the wrong way and I didn’t have any desire to make any memories with Greg. ‘Have a good time.’ I started climbing the stairs.