I set out for work smiling. Happy. Although I looked over my shoulder when I turned the corner out of the street. No one was behind me. I actually didn’t feel as though anyone was following me. Maybe it had been Sharon’s investigator. Maybe he’d stopped following me now Jack had warned him off.
When I got into work Jack was in his office on the phone. He lifted his free hand off the desk when he saw me to say, hi. It was something he might have done for anyone, so it didn’t stand out. But once I opened up my emails there was a message in my inbox from him. It just said, ‘Hi’ in the subject line. I opened it up and shrank the box to read it.
‘I’ve been thinking I really don’t like you walking between the tube station and your house. I want to pay for you to get taxis.’
‘Don’t be stupid :P’
‘I’m not being stupid. I’m trying to keep you safe until we work out for certain who messed with your post and who was asking after you.’
‘I’m fine.’
‘:( I worry.’
‘I’m fine! Captain Control.’
There was a pause, then he sent another email. ‘What are you doing tonight?’
‘I’m busy. I’m meeting Rick for a drink.’
‘Go to the kitchen.’
I rolled my eyes when he walked out of his office. He only glanced at me, making out as though he hadn’t been communicating with me.
I deleted his email chain and then picked up my mug. ‘Does anyone else want a drink?’
‘I will.’ Phil lifted his mug.
I took his mug with me and followed Jack.
When I went in there, Jack was filling his mug with hot water, nothing else.
‘What?’
‘Are you kidding me? You’re going out for a drink with Rick…’
I put my mug down, then started rinsing Phil’s out. ‘Yes.’
‘Why?’
I glanced over at him and laughed at his outrage, which made him even more outraged, judging by the look on his face. ‘Captain Control’s in his element today. Did you bring your cape? And you should swap your underwear around so it’s over your trousers. Because I like him. We’re friends. He’s a nice guy. I just wasn’t in love with him. He wanted to stay friends and so we’re friends.’
Jack sighed.
I spooned coffee into my and Phil’s mugs, not looking at Jack. ‘Don’t go possessive on me, Jack.’
Suddenly his hands were at my waist and he leaned around and kissed my cheek, then he said into my ear, ‘Do I need to be?’
I twisted my head around and looked at him. ‘No. I don’t like Rick like that, do I? And I’m not going to cut him as a friend because you’re jealous. If you’re jealous…’
‘I am jealous. But I guess I’ll shut up. Just take care.’
I laughed at him. ‘Yes, boss.’
He smacked my backside. ‘Don’t be cheeky.’ Then he said, ‘I’d better go back.’
I nodded as he turned away, then filled my and Phil’s mugs with water and milk.
‘There you go.’ When I set the mug down on Phil’s desk I glanced into Jack’s office. He was focused on work.
When I shut the front door of the flats behind me I was looking forward to seeing Rick, but maybe a bit less than I’d looked forward to it in the last couple of weeks. I’d rather be with Jack. Which seemed a disloyal thought because Rick had been a friend and never turned his back on me, even after I’d walked out on him. He’d been there for me for years.
Greg was at the bottom of the steps, about to come up. He stepped back out of my way with a smile as I ran down. I hadn’t dressed up but worn my Converse, slim jeans and a loose top under my parka.
‘Thanks.’
‘Wherever you’re going it’s obviously somewhere nice – from the way you’re hurrying.’
I smiled and lifted a hand, to acknowledge him, but kept going.
‘Have a good time!’ he called after me.
I walked quickly along the street, but glanced back over my shoulder. Greg was letting himself in and there was no one else around. I speeded up as I turned the corner, desperate to get on to the busier main road. But then I nearly walked into someone.
Shit.
It was the guy. Up close he was really big, his shoulders were bulked up.
He looked at me and his lips twisted with a smile. I stepped back.
Shit.
Nausea turned my stomach over. If I vomited over him, would that put him off? ‘Sorry.’
I stepped sideways to walk past him, but he stepped the same way.
Shit.
‘Sorry,’ he said. Then he walked around me and carried on.
My heart thumped hard in my chest, knocking out a deep bass rhythm. I’d never been so scared in my life. I ran the rest of the way to the tube station.
Rick was in the pub when I got there. He was sitting at the table we’d always sat at. I walked across the room and smiled. Seeing Rick still gave me a sense of comfortable slippers. He was a piece of home to me, even though we’d split months ago – and today he was also a refuge. My heartbeat slowed a little, but I was breathing hard, out of breath.
‘Hi.’ I hung my coat over the back of the chair. He stood up.
‘Hi.’ He rubbed my arm in a gentle gesture, then leant to kiss my cheek. ‘How are you? You okay?’
‘I’m fine, thanks. I think… I just had a bit of a shock… I’ll tell you why in a minute. You?’ I wasn’t okay, though, I was still shaky from bumping into the guy, but he hadn’t done anything. I had no evidence he was the person who’d tampered with my post, or that he’d been following me… I was probably being a drama queen.
‘I’m good. What do you want to drink?’
‘A gin and tonic, please?’
Rick nodded, then turned away and went to the bar to get my drink.
I sat down and my hands rubbed my arms. I was cold – when the pub wasn’t that cold.
He set my drink down, then sat down facing me. ‘So tell me about this shock?’
‘It was nothing really, but a few weeks ago someone looked at my post, and the police found suspicious fingerprints but they couldn’t match them and—’
‘Ivy.’ He gripped my free hand as it lay on top of the beer-stained wooden table. ‘Why didn’t you say something?’ His brown eyes watched me.
‘Because I told you, it’s nothing really. It’s just I keep getting this silly feeling that I’m being followed and I told you someone was asking after me at the weekend. I’m over reacting I know.’
‘Did you find out who?’
‘No.’
His fingers squeezed my hand. ‘I wish you’d told me. Text me if you need to, if anything happens. I’m not far away. I’ll come over.’
I smiled at him, turned my hand and gripped his for a moment in a gesture of thanks, then pulled my hand free. ‘Thank you.’ It was good of him to offer, but I’d call Jack first.
Heat flared in my skin as I probably blushed. It was odd thinking about Jack when I was with Rick.
‘There’s something I have to tell you too, but it’s nicer than your thing. At least, I hope you’ll think it’s nice.’
‘What?’
‘I’ve met someone.’
‘Rick!’ Wow, I hadn’t seen that coming. ‘That’s great! I’m really happy for you.’
‘It feels weird telling you. But I wanted you to know…’
‘Yeah, yes I should know. What’s her name? Where did you meet her? When? How long have you been seeing her?’ Why did I feel a little funny inside?
He laughed. ‘Do you want the answers in order?’
I nodded, then rested my chin on my fist to listen. The idea of him moving on made my tummy have a weird queasy sensation, but it had to happen. It was the thought of losing the security that I got from Rick. He couldn’t keep being that for me if he had someone else.
‘Her name’s Jessica. I met her at a rugby match. I’ve known her a few weeks, but it’s become something in the last couple of weeks.’ He smiled. ‘Anything else?’
‘And you really like her?’
‘It’s early days. But yes…’ He smiled more widely.
God, this was strange. I’d never imaged what it would feel like to think of Rick moving on. But that was selfish of me. A part of me wanted to tell him about Jack, but it was too early. I wouldn’t tell him until I knew for sure that Jack and I were a thing. I was hoping it would be okay because he’d been doing everything right, but even though I kept telling myself that, at the back of my mind I didn’t believe it enough to tell others yet.
The problem was, I wasn’t over the way he’d treated me after New Year’s Eve. I’d thought everything was right when I’d woken up with him in my bed on New Year’s day, and I couldn’t have been more wrong, and the cutting feeling of being ignored by him that first day at work had left scars. I didn’t trust him not to do the same again. Not yet. It was too soon, and the scars were too deep, and I wasn’t sure he liked me enough. I wasn’t sure of my place in his life. I couldn’t imagine it being anything more than temporary, from my experience of Jack, and I’d fallen in love, and it would be even more embarrassing then to tell everyone we were a thing if Jack then decided we weren’t and dumped me.
The conversation progressed into general topics and I got another round of drinks. We stayed until last orders – then Rick walked me home.
At the end of the street I lived in, he held my arms and pressed a kiss on my cheek like he always did now. ‘See you. I’ll text you and organise something, yeah? Maybe we could do the pub quiz night if you want to?’
‘That would be fun. But I won’t be insulted if you dump me for Jessica.’
He laughed. ‘Or maybe I could bring her? Would that freak you out?’
Yes. Maybe… I didn’t know. It would certainly be different. ‘No. Bye.’ The idea didn’t feel comfortable. I could work it out later, though. I was being stupid.
‘Night.’
I turned and hurried along the street then ran up the steps to the front door, but my hand was shaking again when I pressed in the code. I just wanted to get inside and feel safe. It was so strange to think that Rick wouldn’t be there to turn to. He’d been my security blanket for years.
My heart thudded as I walked up to my room and let myself in.
I wanted to call Jack, but if I rang him I wasn’t sure what I’d say. I love you. I didn’t call him.
When I lay in bed I couldn’t sleep. Thoughts of Jack and Rick tumbled around in my head; Jack being jealous and controlling today – Rick moving on.
Why did I feel bad about Rick moving on? That was mean. Maybe the way I’d been hanging on to him was as controlling as Jack… only in a quieter way.
I’d been hanging on to Rick for years and maybe I’d been manipulating him. And now I’d walked away from the bits of him I didn’t want and kept the bits of him I wanted as a friend and I’d assumed that his security was always going to be there for me to use when I needed it.
The office was quiet on Friday – we were all focusing on projects and keeping our heads down to get deadlines completed before the weekend – so when Sharon walked in, then leant on to Tina’s desk saying, ‘Is Jack free?’ everyone looked up.
She stood out like a massive throbbing sore thumb.
I liked my heels and I liked dressing colourfully, but she had on a pair of nude patent platform heels about five inches high, and a leopard-print top that opened down the front and exposed half her breasts, and a black skirt that must have been painted on, because God knew how she had pulled the thing up past her bum. Jack must have been on something stronger than cannabis at the point he decided that Sharon was the right person for him.
‘Sharon.’ He’d heard her too. He came out of his office and crossed the room. I looked at my laptop, although I wanted to stare. I wanted to know what he said to her.
‘I heard that you want to rush everything through now. Is that true?’
She’d come here to make a scene. I looked up again. She caught me looking and stared back at me, but then she looked at Jack. I looked down.
When I glanced up again Jack held her arm and was walking her out of the office, talking in a low voice.
Sharon looked over again and gave me a bitchy look that said fuck off.
I looked away, my tummy flipping with a rush of fight-or-flight adrenaline. Maybe I could see what Jack had seen in her. He’d have liked that edge; she was scary.
I saw now why he’d told me not to get involved.