I pressed the button in the lift to travel up to the office. I didn’t feel able to work. But I’d spent my weekend in a parallel universe and I wanted to do something normal. I didn’t think I was going to get much work done, though.
I walked into the room. Jack was in his office. He stood up as soon as he saw me. I took my coat off and hung it up. When I turned around Jack was there. ‘Ivy. Are you okay? Are you sure you should be in here? You’re a sickly white.’
He pulled me towards his office by a gentle grip on the sleeve of my sweater.
As soon as we got in there my tears welled up. I wasn’t feeling good. I was feeling lousy – numb. ‘Be warned, if you ask me to talk about it I’m going to cry, and there are glass walls and everyone will see me crying.’
‘Shit. I didn’t realise you were so upset. You should have called me last night. You should go home.’
‘I can’t go home. I don’t have a home any more. Someone violated it. Homes are meant to feel safe. Mine doesn’t. And the place is so small that I can feel him everywhere in it. I hate it.’ The tears I’d promised him ran down my cheeks in rivers. He stepped forward and his arms wrapped around me and hugged me hard. Not in the way a boss gave an employee a little empathetic hold, but in the form of someone who cared about me hanging on to me because they needed to, to give me comfort that reached as deep as my heart and my soul. My arms wrapped about his waist and I hung on to him too.
‘I guess we’re going to have to come out to the office,’ he whispered in my ear.
I lifted my head and looked out through the glass. Yes. They were all looking. ‘Sorry.’
‘Hey, I held you first and I was going to say to you we’d tell people today anyway. We don’t need to care about Sharon any more. Do you want me to take you home to my place after the meeting?’ My forehead toppled against his shoulder and I nodded. His hand stroked over my hair. ‘You can knock yourself out with Jeremy Kyle and I have a PlayStation as well, so loads of entertainment.’
‘Thanks.’
‘You can stay for as long as you want.’
‘Thanks.’
‘You’re welcome. But I guess we’d better go and face the music.’
If Rick’s comfort had been like turning to home and safety, Jack’s comfort was like being inside a fortress. He gripped my hand when we went into the open-plan office, and I saw Emma notice the gesture. Then he shouted. ‘Meeting time! No time for coffee.’
We walked ahead of everyone and he kept a solid hold on my hand, the tension in it said, everything’s going to be okay.
He didn’t let me sit – he kept me with him at the front. Then, when everyone was sitting down, he said, ‘You’ve probably already guessed this, but Ivy and I want you to know we’re seeing each other outside work.’
I’m sure I turned red as they all looked at me. I tried to smile as some of the guys lifted eyebrows and other people said congratulations. Emma just looked at me weirdly.
‘Anyway, now that cat is out of its bag. Also, be aware that Ivy’s place got broken into at the weekend and she’s a bit shaky.’ He looked at me and then said quietly, ‘Do you want to sit down?’
No, I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me whole.
I did sit down.
I didn’t absorb anything anyone said through the rest of the meeting. Afterwards he left me standing by my desk and went into his office to fetch his coat and his keys.
Emma came over to me. ‘Ivy. How awful about your place. Are you okay?’
‘Yes. I think so. I spent the weekend at a friend’s, but Jack is going to let stay at his now. I can’t concentrate on work, I’m sorry.’
She smiled at me. ‘You don’t need to be sorry. I hope you feel better soon.’
‘Thanks.’
Phil looked up at me when Jack came back, but he didn’t say anything. Jack clasped my arm and started walking. He looked at Tina as we walked past her. She was all big eyes and knowing smile. ‘I’ll be back in about an hour. If anyone calls don’t transfer them to my mobile. I won’t answer. I’ll call them back later.’
He took me home by taxi as he had the bike and I didn’t have my leathers, and through the whole journey I leant against his shoulder crying, my arms gripped about his middle while his arm stayed tightly wrapped around my shoulders.
He still had his arm around me when we travelled up to his place in the lift, and when we got out he gently squeezed my shoulder as he steered me in through the door.
The place was different in the day. The view from all the windows was awesome.
His hand fell away. I turned to look at him.
His hand cupped my chin. ‘I wish I’d left them to it on Saturday. I should have got Em to take over and fetched you.’
‘No. You couldn’t have come over anyway. I was at Milly’s and I couldn’t have come here because you had Daisy on Sunday, and then where would I have gone?’
He stared at me, his eyes expressing empathy, guilt and a desire to hang around here with me. ‘I have to get back. The Italians signed up to one of my ideas, I need to get the contracts set up, but I’ll get someone else working on it, then I’ll come home and lounge around with you this afternoon. But while I’m gone, treat the place like it’s yours. Riffle through my stuff. Raid the fridge. Whatever.’
I nodded. I was not really capable of riffling or thought, or anything.
‘Do you want me to stay? The account stuff could wait until tomorrow.’
‘No, it’s alright. I’ll be fine. I’m only dopey from taking Valium.’
‘Are you sure you should’ve taken it?’
‘Says he who took all manner of non-prescription drugs a few months back.’
‘Yes, but now I’ve stopped and the Valium weren’t prescribed for you, they were prescribed for your friend. Still illegal, sweetheart.’
I stuck my tongue out.
‘Lie down on the sofa. Do you want me to get you a drink, or anything else?’
‘No. I think I’ll put the TV on and try to sleep.’
‘I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow.’
‘Thanks.’ When he went off to get them, I slipped my shoes off, then sat down.
He threw the pillow and blanket next to me, then bent down and held my cheek with one hand, and kissed the other cheek. ‘See you in a while.’
I nodded. I felt rotten – I’d needed Captain Control to take over. And it was a nice feeling, that by taking control of me he was letting go of control at work. He did really care about me, then.
When he came home it was about three in the afternoon and I was lying on the sofa watching an old film on Film 4. He made me a hot chocolate with some stuff he’d bought for Daisy, then changed into chill-out clothes – a t-shirt and the loose jogging bottoms he’d worn Saturday morning. Then he sat down at one end of the sofa and lifted my head on to his lap. I hadn’t really slept over the weekend, even with the Valium, because I’d kept dreaming and waking up, but as he stroked my temple I fell asleep.
April
‘Healthy porridge or unhealthy bacon butty for breakfast?’
‘Porridge. But I’ll cook it. You want to get to work.’ I hadn’t been into work all week. I’d been going to attempt it yesterday, but he’d told me, no, as my boss. He’d insisted I stayed at home, at his.
‘Okay. I’ll go and shower.’ He had his phone in his hand. He looked down and sent a text. Then left his phone on the kitchen worktop.
I looked down and saw a blue-and-white string of messages between him and Emma. The last one that he’d sent said, ‘I don’t give a shit what they think, she’s still freaked out over the break-in. I wouldn’t expect any of them to be in work in this situation. But if you’re worried, I’ll cover her wages out of mine, okay?’
Oh God, I couldn’t help myself. As he disappeared, before his phone had chance to lock, I picked it up and then I scanned through the chain of texts he’d been sharing with Emma all week. The last one from her said: ‘You know we’re paying her. Everyone is noting everyday she’s not here and noticing that it’s all very well to take a ton of time off when you’re sleeping with the boss.’
Tears clouded my view of the texts. I flipped back to the main message menu, cut up by how harshly she’d had a go at him. If everyone thought I was getting favours – they were right if he was going to pay my employer’s sick pay himself. But he’d told them what had happened. I’d have taken the time anyway.
The next name in his text stream was Sharon. The urge would not be denied, because the last text it showed under her name from Jack said, ‘At least she’s not after my fucking money!’
My heart thumped a hard rhythm as I opened the stream to look at the text above it. ‘You know she’s too quiet for you. You’re gonna get bored.’ The rest of the stream was not about me. She’d sent the comment after she’d seen us last Friday. The earlier texts were jabs about Daisy or requests for money. But it still stung. I’d forgotten about her and her bitchy attitude. Now it smacked me in the face. I’d been hiding here, sulking like a child, and he’d let me. He would get bored if he spent too much time around this me.
I needed to pull myself together. I needed to go back to my flat and back to work – and get over this. It wasn’t asking too much; it was clear that’s what everyone else thought they’d do.
I made the porridge. It was probably crap, but I sprinkled a little brown sugar on top and poured a little maple syrup on it, then some cold milk. When he came back in he was wearing a light-blue sweater with a white shirt under it, and the grey suit trousers he’d worn at the weekend.
‘If I dress quickly, can I come in to work today? I think I’m being childish hiding like this. I think it would be better for me to get back to something normal.’
He sat down on a stool on the other side of the worktop. ‘You can if you want – of course you can, but do you think you’re up to it, really?’
‘I’ll be up to it, Jack. Stop fussing over me. You’re playing Captain Control and I need to just get on with it.’
‘You’re allowed to feel bad when someone scares the shit out of you, Ivy. And looking after you isn’t controlling you.’
‘Yes. But not forever.’ I was being mean. He hadn’t been controlling, just kind. It was my fault; I’d wanted the comfort of being looked after.
His hand touched my shoulder. ‘You’ll get over it. You’re way too sensible.’
Ouch. I wished he hadn’t used the word sensible. It was too like boring. God, Rick was what I called ‘sensible’; he was the beware-of-this, think-about-that person. I didn’t want to be sensible.
Jack drove us in to work in the car. It was weird. And riding up in the lift with him from the basement was weird. He took my hand and squeezed it. ‘If you feel like you need to go home, tell me.’
‘Okay.’
He kissed me when the lift passed the last floor before ours, then let go of my hand.
When the doors opened he lifted his arm, encouraging me to walk out first, then held the door into the office for me.
Everyone looked. Heat flared in my cheeks. I didn’t look back at Jack. I went to my desk and sat down. Embarrassed. Jack didn’t make a fuss – just went into his office and got on with his work.
‘Hi.’
I looked up at Phil.
‘You okay?’
My hands were actually shaking. It was strange to be outside the cocoon of Jack’s apartment. The whole world was different because some bastard had decided to invade my very small place of safety. I took a breath. ‘Not really. I still feel violated, but I have to try and get back to doing normal things sometime. But I’m grateful to Jack for letting me stay at his place. I haven’t been home yet. I can’t stand the thought of it. I guess I’m going to have to try it tomorrow, though. I can’t stay at his forever.’
Phil shrugged at me as if to say ‘why not?’, and then I thought he probably didn’t even know about Daisy.
‘His daughter comes over every other weekend, so I can’t outstay my welcome. It would put him in a difficult situation.’
Phil’s jaw dropped, pulling his mouth open a little. I wanted to stick my tongue out at him. He was older than Jack, nearer thirty. In fact I think he was thirty this year. So he should know better than to judge people.
‘Do you want to come round here and look at the work I’ve done on your accounts. You can take them back over now.’
When I pulled my chair round to Phil’s desk I glanced into Jack’s office. He was leaning one arm on his desk – his other hand was scribbling away, probably recording some genius idea. I didn’t care what anyone else thought, I was glad I was with Jack. I just had to not be boring and make sure the office knew that this relationship was not about money for me – it was just about him.
At one o’clock, Jack came out of his office. The back of one curled finger brushed my cheek. I glanced up. He had his coat on. ‘Do you want to come out for lunch with me?’
Phil coughed. I ignored him and stood up. ‘Yes, okay.’
Jack walked ahead of me to get my coat, then held it up for me to put on. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders as we walked out of the office, but when we got to the coffee shop I told him, ‘I’m paying.’
He looked at me. ‘You don’t have to.’
‘I know I don’t have to, but I want to, because it’s not right that you pay for everything.’
‘But, remember, I pay your wages. I know what you’re budgeting on.’
‘Cheers.’
‘I could talk to Em about giving you a pay rise?’
‘Wow, that would look good. Like you were asking her if you could pay me for sex. Awesome. Thank you.’
His forehead scrunched up. ‘Don’t be stupid.’
‘If you give me a pay rise, you’d have to give the same to everyone, so we all earned the same.’
As we moved along in the queue his hand cupped the back of my neck. ‘You are so wonderfully naïve. You don’t seriously think you’re all on the same money, do you?’
‘We’re not… I mean I know people like Phil earn more for managing bigger accounts. But—’
‘Ivy, you’re all on different amounts, dependent on your skills, knowledge and contacts, and you’re on the least. One of the other factors is how bad you were at negotiating when you started, and you were shit – you didn’t try and push us up at all.’
‘I’m on the least!’ I smacked his arm. ‘You asshole.’
He laughed, ‘It’s not my fault you were too timid to push for more. You should always push for more, Ivy.’
Timid. Ouch. That was as bad as ‘sensible’. ‘Okay, I want a pay rise, then; there’s a law against women being paid less than men.’
‘Yeah, exactly, because men push harder. But you couldn’t screw us over with that – on an average we’re about level. It’s you who is paid low – nothing to do with you being a woman.’
I made a face at him and when the woman asked what we wanted I ordered everything that was most expensive and said, ‘He’s paying.’
Jack pulled out his wallet, laughing. But when I picked up the tray and turned to find a table he said, ‘Em and I were going to look at your salary anyway since you took on the Berkeley account successfully; we should have just upped it then. I’ll talk to her.’
But that made me feel bad because I thought Emma would be annoyed, but I couldn’t tell Jack I’d seen the texts.
‘Here.’ He nodded towards a table.
I sat down opposite him. His pale-blue eyes smiled at me. I’d felt crap sitting around his apartment alone all week; I felt better with him.
It was going to be awful when this ended.
Don’t think about it!
When I dropped into the passenger seat of Jack’s car after work, I looked over at him. I’d been debating with myself all afternoon – and in the lift down to the basement. ‘I need to go back to my flat, Jack. Can I go back to yours and get my stuff? Then will you take me there?’
‘Why?’
‘Because I have to face it. I can’t keep running from it and I want to get it over with. I need to be me again. If I don’t try, I’m letting whoever broke in win.’ And when things go wrong between us it’ll be even worse if I’m not living my own life. I couldn’t let myself get into the routine of being dependent on Jack like I’d been with Rick.
It took two hours to get back to his, pack, and then come back across London in the early evening.
Jack parked, then got out, and as I got out he fetched my bag out of the boot. He carried it up to the front door. I pressed the code in. Greg had changed it, on the advice of the police, to be safe, but he’d texted me the new number. He’d also had a CCTV camera installed on the insistence of his insurance company. I should feel safe. I was protected now, or as protected as it was possible to be.
I delayed going upstairs by opening my post box. I hadn’t even thought about checking for any post all week. I had eight letters, three of which were postmarked as letters from the police station. I gripped them tightly as I turned to climb the stairs.
I glanced back to check Jack was close. He smiled.
‘Thank you for coming with me.’ It was a heartfelt statement.
‘Why wouldn’t I come with you?’
I focused on getting myself to the top of the stairs. My heart thumped and a spasm gripped so tight around my chest it was hard to breathe. I glanced at Jack again. ‘I think I’m having my first ever full-on panic attack.’
‘You’ll be okay.’
I nodded. But I really didn’t feel okay as I turned around the corner to see the stairs leading to my new front door. Bile spun up in my throat and time flashed back to the moment I’d seen the door standing open.
I stopped.
Jack gripped my shoulder. ‘It’s alright.’ I leaned back against him and didn’t move for a moment. He stayed silent and squeezed my shoulder, then after a minute whispered against my ear, ‘Climb when ready, I’ve got you.’
I breathed out and straightened as I answered, staring at the door, ‘Climbing.’
‘Climb on. There’s no one up there, you know.’
I nodded, but I didn’t move.
‘Come on, let’s go and face it.’ He got me walking again. Breathing hard as my heart pounded so much it made me dizzy. He took the keys from my hand and when we got upstairs I saw him notice the change of the style of lock. He opened it.
I stepped into the room. My leather suit, boots and my helmet were still on the floor where I’d left them, but the duvet cover had been taken by the police to be tested for forensic evidence. Everything else looked normal, as if nothing had happened.
Jack put down my bag and then he picked up my leathers. ‘Where do you keep this?’
‘I hang it up over there.’ He did it. Then he picked up my helmet. ‘This.’
‘On the shelf in the wardrobe.’
‘Put the TV on, Ivy. I’m sure the noise will make you feel better.’
I did. EastEnders was on.
He took his coat off and hung it up over my leathers. ‘I’ll make us coffee.’
I laughed. ‘This situation is so fucked up – you’re even going to risk my shitty coffee.’
‘I’ll risk several mugs. I’m staying with you. I’m not leaving you here when you’re scared. We’ll live here over the weekend.’
‘It’s tiny for two people.’
‘It’s fine. We can squash up in the bed – we’ve done it before. It’s cosy. I’ll make us coffee. You put a new cover on the bed.’
I turned around. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t touch it. It made me shiver. I didn’t want to ever be on that bed again.
‘Have you opened your letters?’ He was trying to distract me as he filled the kettle. I’d completely forgotten about the letters I was holding. I opened the ones from the police. One was a copy of my statement, for me to sign and send back. Another was to tell me that they’d seen someone like the person I’d described walking behind me on local CCTV; there was a picture in with the letter. It looked like the guy I kept seeing but the letter said he had appeared to legitimately turn back, he’d dropped something near the gate of one of the houses and turned to pick it up, then walked on and was seen walking on other CCTV footage further along the main road.
The last letter… I read, then held it out to Jack. The paper trembled violently and a tear fell on to it before he took it.
The fingerprints in my room had matched those on the post they’d checked weeks ago. But worse, there’d been semen on top of the bed.
‘I don’t want the bed in the room, Jack.’ I turned into him. ‘I don’t want to go near it.’
His arms came around me, protective and secure. My new fortress. ‘That’s okay. Forget the coffee. We’ll go buy a bed. You were right; you need to be here to get over this. But you don’t have to sleep on that bed.’
He took me to a late-night-opening department store and paid them ridiculous money to deliver the bed we’d chosen within two hours. Then we went to a hardware place and bought a hammer and screwdriver so we could take the old bed to pieces. The new bed arrived at ten-thirty p.m. and when the old bed was carried out of the room I felt as though the presence of a demon went with it. It was packed on to the lorry the new bed had come on and driven away.
Jack put the new bed together, then we put on a new duvet, pillows and sheet, which he’d bought at the store too.
‘Let’s cuddle and find a film to watch,’ Jack suggested when we were done.
The air in my room was full of the smell of new linen and Jack’s aftershave.
We changed for bed. He stripped down to his boxers as he hadn’t brought anything with him, and I changed into pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt. Then we snuggled up under the covers and I slept leaning on his chest with the TV playing. It was then I knew I one-hundred per cent loved him. I’d fallen in love with him. I’d been calling it love for days, but now I knew that if Jack got bored of me and dumped me, my heart was going to shatter into a million tiny little pieces. This was love. This was the sort of love I’d been longing for when I’d left Rick. It was in every cell of my body.
Captain Control ruled my world, and with him in it, it was a beautiful world. I didn’t ever want to lose him.
So what would happen when I did?