My heart pounded out a manic garage rhythm as I walked into the office on Monday morning. Ivy was already in, sitting at her desk, staring at her computer.
‘Hi, Tina.’ I carried on watching Ivy. She didn’t look up.
‘Hi, Jack, your post is open. I put it on your desk.’
‘Thanks.’
Ivy still hadn’t looked up.
Everything she’d charged me with on Friday was true. I hadn’t even felt guilty about it before. I’d thought I was doing the right thing. The right thing for me, yes. Obviously not for her. Captain Control – I heard the name spoken in her voice. But I hadn’t known how to act normally around her. There were too many memories, too much had happened between us – so I’d controlled the issue by avoiding it and forgotten about how she might feel.
I looked around the room and sighed out a breath. I was controlling; I knew I was. It was my instinct. It was partly why I’d achieved so much with the business and the properties. It had advantages and it didn’t make me a bad man, and I hadn’t meant New Year’s Eve or what had happened since, to feel like that to her. I hadn’t meant her to feel controlled. But looking back… I could have phrased the text telling her not to speak to me at work better, and I could have said something to her the next time we’d been alone, or gone to her flat, or… done something to break the ice after New Year’s Eve.
‘Morning everyone. Meeting in twenty. Time for a coffee run to Nero’s, if you’ll go, Tina?’ I glanced back. She nodded at me. ‘Put your orders in, people, and I’ll buy the round.’
I left them to sort themselves out and headed for my office. Ivy still had her head down. When I walked past her desk, I said, ‘Morning, Ivy,’ in a low voice. The others hopefully didn’t hear; they were putting their coffee orders in. I didn’t hang around for a response but walked on. I didn’t want it to be obvious, and I didn’t know how not to be obvious with her.
When I walked into my office, I threw my keys on to the desk.
Get it together…
I took my coat off and hung it up, then looked through the post. Tina knocked on the open door. ‘Everyone’s ready, Jack.’ I wasn’t.
I stood up. I had to do this.
Tina handed me my espresso.
‘Come on.’ I led the way to the creativity room, drinking my coffee, then I tossed the cup into a bin before I went in. Play it cool. Look at her, but look at them all.
My brilliant team were all in there, mine and Em’s. I glanced at Em and smiled. She smiled back. That made me feel better. ‘Okay, morning everybody…’ I ran through the agenda, covering the workload for this week, getting everyone to share their progress and their next objectives, so we all knew where we were and I knew my clients were happy.
I breathed out, then I looked at Ivy. I’d used to always look at her, but I couldn’t look at her any more without feeling weird, and I’d lay odds people could see I felt weird. ‘… and congratulations on the Berkeley account.’ Ivy’s lavender gaze lifted and tangled up with mine. But it wasn’t like it used to be, because now there was knowledge and experience and memories between us. I looked at Phil. ‘Well done, you two. Good work, they’re really impressed.’
‘Cool.’ Phil answered. Ivy didn’t say a word. But I guess half an hour of improvement wasn’t going to cut it. I had two weeks.
‘Well, that’s it, then, guys. Get to work!’
Ivy stood up and filed out with the others. One old habit hadn’t died – my gaze dropped to her bottom.
‘Jack.’ Em caught my arm. ‘Can we talk?’
I shut the door when everyone else had left. Then turned around. ‘Yes, how can I help?’
She gave me a twisted look. ‘What did you do?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean Ivy. She’s been quiet as anything ever since Christmas. Everyone’s noticed she isn’t herself, and you two haven’t been speaking, and then today when you do single her out she turns bright red. Why?’
I swallowed. Shit. I’d always known Em would kill me for it, but I didn’t regret it. I wasn’t going to say sorry.
I sat down with a sigh on a bright-yellow fabric square. The creativity space was the only room we had with no windows, and I guess that was why Em had waylaid me here. But, God, I needed to talk to someone about this. Em was not only my business partner but my best friend. It had been tearing me up for weeks and I’d been shutting it out. ‘I had sex with her.’
Em punched my shoulder. Hard. ‘Jack! What did you do that for?’
I looked up and smiled. ‘Um, let me think, because she’s shit-hot and sweet-natured.’
‘Jack, it’s not funny. She’s trying to pull her life back together. When did it happen?’
‘Christmas. She came away with me. We were working late. She was at a loose end and I was at a loose end, so I offered to take her to the cottage and she accepted.’
Em’s hands curled into fists at her sides and her face rouged-up with anger – or maybe she was embarrassed by me. At work my behaviour reflected on her.
‘Then you left her feeling so awkward she doesn’t know where to put herself when she’s in here… Have you seen her outside of work since?’
‘No. But I want to. I called around there on Friday now all the stuff with Daisy’s sorted. She told me to get lost.’ I looked up at Em, still sitting, while she stood. Behind her was the image of the blue sky. ‘Future horizons,’ I’d said when I’d had the posters put up. I hadn’t been able to imagine my future since the New Year.
‘I don’t blame her!’
‘She’s given me two weeks to stop being stupid and not ignore her at work. But I was feeling the same as her. I haven’t known where to look either. Or what to say.’
‘So this morning you dive right in and let everyone know something else has happened between you two that no one’s seen. That’s not sensible, Jack. You shouldn’t have done this. It’s your fault it’s awkward! You don’t bring your sex life into work. Didn’t you learn about appropriate choices from Sharon?’
She was serious. I stood up, on the defensive now. ‘Sharon was entirely different, I—’
‘I know. You’re the problem. I’m not blaming Ivy for any of this. I know what you’re like, and I know what she’s like. She’s the wounded party. You’re lucky you don’t have a claim for sexual harassment on your head.’
I made a face at her. Now she was being dramatic.
‘Leave her alone, Jack. She’s been seeing Rick again anyway. Just treat her like normal and keep away from her outside work. She’s one of the best people we have, and you know it. She has a ton of potential. Please don’t fuck it up.’
Em didn’t swear – except when she wanted me to take notice.
I smiled and took no notice at all. I was a contrary-bloody-bastard, so I’d been told nearly every day at university. It was part of my need to be the one in control. I’d always done what I wanted. But Em didn’t need to know I wasn’t listening. I nodded and pulled on my forelock. ‘Yes, miss. Do you want a hundred lines: ‘I’ll keep my hands off Ivy Cooper’?’
‘It isn’t your hands I’m worried about.’
I laughed.
She didn’t.
‘Jack. Be sensible,’ she said before I opened the door.
I wasn’t sensible, though, either. Sharon had helped prove that. I was a full-on risk-taker. It was that that had given this business its break and my control had helped hold it up – and those things defined me.
I couldn’t be who I wasn’t.
Fuck it. When I got back to my office I rang Ivy’s desk phone. She picked it up without guessing it was me, or she didn’t look over, anyway. ‘Hey. Will you come in and talk to me? I need to tell you something.’
She took a breath as if she had something to say in answer but other people would hear. She swallowed it. ‘I’ll come in, in a minute.’ I loved that she’d started controlling my controlling nature – what goes around, comes around, my dad would’ve said to me. I smiled as she made me wait, deliberately not rushing. She finished typing something on her computer, then pulled a pad and pen out from her drawer. When she stood she looked into the office and caught me watching, I didn’t look away, I clung to her gaze as she crossed the room and opened my office door.
She shut it behind her, then turned and looked at me. ‘What do you want, Jack? Don’t start playing games with me here. It’s not fair. I can’t stop it happening here.’
‘I’m not.’
She gave me a hard look as she sat in the seat on the other side of my desk. The last time she’d been in this room I’d fucked her on my desk. That was why I’d asked Phil to play middle man on the Berkeley account. I couldn’t speak business to Ivy in here without thinking about sex. But I had to set it aside.
‘I want to talk to you about picking up a new account. If you think you’re up to it.’
‘You know I’m up to it.’ She sat forward in the chair, perching on the edge.
‘Well, then, it’s the Pitkins account. Do you want it?’
‘Yes. Of course. Thank you.’ The thank you was said with a wealth of gratitude. Her voice was full of pleasure over being given another chance to just be good at her job. It sounded like she’d given up on me ever speaking to her – until today.
Em was right; I should forget about me and Ivy. But I didn’t want to let things go.
When she stood up and walked past the end of the desk to leave the room, I rolled my chair over and grabbed her wrist to stop her. ‘Wait a minute.’ I let go of her and looked out through the glass to check who was watching. No one. She stood there staring at me.
‘Em told me you’re seeing Rick again…’
‘I’m not. Not like that. Just as a friend. That’s all. But it’s none of your business, anyway.’
No. I’d upset her so much I’d probably lost the right to care. I let her walk away. I’d earn the right to care again.
I shut the door of my apartment, took my jacket off and hung it up, then pulled out my mobile phone and called Ivy. I’d wanted to take a hold of her and kiss her when everyone was saying goodbye. If she’d been last out, I’d have tried it. But she’d left on the stroke of five, before I could get near her.
She let her phone ring about six times before she answered. ‘Jack. I’m busy.’
‘It’s not a long call. I’m doing a bit of customer evaluation. How am I doing?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean, am I paying you enough attention at work?’
She sighed out a breath. ‘Yes, you’re fine at work. Now everyone wants to know what we did to make up.’
I smiled to myself and chuckled. ‘As long as you’re feeling better. That’s all I want. Have you decided about next weekend?’
‘Yeah, the answer’s no. I’m over Christmas – Christmas is forgotten. And I don’t think I want to resurrect it. It isn’t sensible to go backwards. Live for the moment, remember.’
‘It is sensible sometimes, Ivy.’ My heart flipped into a hard pump. As if I’d put my foot down on the accelerator pedal and revved it up. I wanted Ivy in my life. I knew it with a vivid clarity. I’d felt different around her at Christmas, and I’d been different since we’d come back here, focusing on Daisy as much as work, and nothing else. I’d been looking for something else when I’d split from Sharon and Ivy fit the new me. She’d already become a part of the new me at Christmas. ‘Give me a chance. I want to be your boyfriend—’
‘Really… Jack. You’d hate anyone at work to know that. It wouldn’t work, and I don’t even believe you.’
‘Believe me. Please? I wouldn’t tell anyone yet, no, but only because of Sharon. She’d make your life hell. But the divorce is nearly through. As soon as it is, then we can come out of the closet—’
‘There is no ‘we’.’
‘There could be a ‘we’. If you come away with me next weekend.’
‘Call me next week. I’ve got to go. I’m having dinner with someone.’
‘Who?’
‘It’s none of your business.’
‘Tell me who?’
‘Oh, if you must know, Rick.’
‘God, that man is really clingy. Or are you interested in being unfulfilled again?’
‘Bye, Jack.’
She cut me off, the bitch. But I laughed. I liked her ballsy. I threw the phone down on a low table and tumbled back on the sofa next to it. ‘Shit.’ I wanted her. With her lavender eyes, and her purple hair, and her pale, slim body. I wanted her. She was perfect for me. She knew how to manage my crap. She knew how to have sex with me. She even liked some of my risky games. She knew everything… I could be the real me with her.
I looked up at the ceiling and shut my eyes. I felt like smoking a joint but I’d stopped smoking cannabis and thrown the last lot I’d bought away. I was a reformed character. I’d made up my mind I didn’t want that stuff in the apartment when Daisy was here. I wouldn’t want her getting involved with drugs, or thinking it was okay to be involved with drugs because there were so many people who didn’t know where to stop and then couldn’t control it. I didn’t want my Daisy to be one of those people.
But giving everything up and going clean-living left me wired up with no outlet. Not even sex. I hadn’t had sex with anyone since New Year’s Eve.
I turned my new TV on – which had been allowed into the apartment solely for Daisy to watch. It was some dumb soap thing. I could go out for a drink but I wanted to be sober and clear-headed all weekend. Daisy wasn’t sleeping over this week. I was going to pick her up Saturday, take her out for the day and then take her home, and then Sunday I had her all day again. That was the plan for my first two weekends and then if she was happy about it she was going to come to me Saturday mornings and stay until Sunday evening.
How cool was that? I’d be an actual practising father. My lips lifted and parted with an emotion that I’d only discovered less than twelve months ago. Unconditional love.
Ah, shit. There was someone else I should call. I picked up my phone, stood up, then crossed the room to look out through the floor-length windows. The flat was a penthouse place but it wasn’t huge, not like the one I’d shared with Sharon; it was a small two-bed apartment, but I had a view of the Thames. I’d spent hours watching the boats on the river.
‘Hello, Jack.’
‘Hi, Mum.’ I hadn’t told her I’d won access rights to see Daisy yet. ‘It’s official, Mum. I get Daisy every other weekend. We’re working our way up to her staying over with me. But it’s all signed and sealed by a judge.’
‘I’m happy for you. I know it’s what you wanted. But you know how important it is that you look after the girl. No messing around while she’s with you.’
‘I know, Mum.’ I hadn’t told her anything about me cleaning up my life because she had no idea how dirty it had been, and I didn’t want her to know.
‘You haven’t always acted in the right way…’
The dig hurt. But I’d gone out of my way to piss my parents off most of my life. What goes around, comes around. I heard the words in Dad’s voice again. It was only since I’d discovered Daisy that I’d really realised what a prick I’d been to them. Or maybe since I’d left Sharon.
Before Sharon had come along Mum had been pushing me to marry Em – she didn’t get that Em was not my type. Em was a brilliant friend and a wizard with numbers in the office, but there was no chance of anything else.
Then Sharon had come along and they’d hated her, and I, being a contrary controlling bastard, had married her anyway. Probably half to spite them all – certainly to control them all and make them see they could not control me. But then most of the things I’d done since I was a boy had been done because my parents had hated an idea and I’d wanted to control the situation, and them. That was what being away at boarding school did to people. To me, anyway. I’d always been an arrogant, independent little brat when I was child. But I’d needed to be. I’d needed to be in control at school because there had only been me… I had no brothers to stick up for me or sisters to run to. It had just been me mastering the world, because it had been better to be the one on top of it than the one running.
My child wasn’t like that; she hadn’t had to fight for things. I was glad about that.
And even better, Daisy had been pure accident. There was nothing planned or controlled about her. She’d had nothing to do with that part of me. She was a precious, beautiful accident. I wasn’t letting the problems I’d created with Mum and Dad, or my stupid hang-ups, affect her. ‘I wondered if you wanted to meet her?’
Mum was silent. Then she swallowed. I think discovering Daisy so late in my life had embarrassed them – most people did not announce a grandchild to their friends when she was already seven, and their friends could count and had worked out the age I’d been when I’d fathered her. It had been a kick to my parents’ self-righteous lifestyle.
But so what? The smile on my face was massive. The old self-centred, pleasure-seeking me had created a life. For everything I’d done wrong in my life, I’d done one thing right.
And that accident had created more than one life; Daisy had given me my life to live again too.
‘Yes. We’d love to.’
Thank God. My heart raced. I wanted this for them, as well as me. A new start. ‘I think we’d have to leave it a couple of weeks. Give her chance to get used to coming to me, and then maybe you could come to London?’
‘We could go out to The Ivy for lunch. Do you think she’d like that?’
‘Probably, but remember she’s eight. She might be fidgety and she’d probably like McDonald’s as much, if not more.’
‘I did have you, I know how children are, Jack. But I think we can give her more of a treat than McDonald’s.’
‘Your father wants to speak with you…’
The phone was passed over. ‘Jack…’ Oh God, and this was why I didn’t call them, because I constantly received lectures on responsibility and accepting my role in life. It was no wonder I’d become so determined to be the lord over my own world.
I kept saying, ‘Yes, Dad,’ as he ran through his speech.
‘Generations of us… Years of responsibility… You’re my only son…’
‘Yes, Dad.’
Once we’d said our goodbyes, I ended the call, looked at the TV and sighed.
I could go out to the climbing club but none of my friends would be there on a Friday – they had lives beyond climbing, and I’d been there every night this week. I needed to find a new outlet. I looked at my other acquisition for Daisy’s sake, a PlayStation, and stood up, then went over, turned it on and picked up the controller. I’d messed around with it once to check it was working.
Daisy’s little hand slipped into mine and gripped tight as I led her into Harrods. ‘This is the coolest place, Dad.’
That word, dad, gave me a sharp stomach-punch. It did every time. ‘I know. But you’re not to start thinking this is normal, and I can’t afford everything in here. But you can pick some nice things for your room.’
We’d already chosen a bed online, and furniture, but I’d told her we would come here for the curtains and bed linen and some pretty stuff to fancy it up however she wanted. We’d had our traditional hot chocolate in Hyde Park and requested the usual pile of cream and marshmallows on top and now we had another three hours before it was time for me to take her home, but our first full day together had gone amazingly. It didn’t feel awkward, probably because she was a chatterbox, so the conversation never dried – not now she knew me.
‘Can I have some toys too?’
‘Save toys for another week; we’ll go to Hamleys for toys.’
‘Hamleys…’ Her bright eyes looked up at me. She was as sharp as a pin. I was already planning on bringing her into the business, even though she was eight.
I gave her wink. ‘It’s the best toy shop ever. Save your toy money for there.’
She started skipping along beside me as we walked through the handbag section, then the jewellery section. I had no idea where I was going. It was like a journey of discovery, and everything was gold and glittering, which had Daisy’s gaze darting everywhere. This was a good plan.
‘Look at that, Dad.’ She pointed at a sparkly something.
‘Oh yeah.’
I don’t know whether the sign-free warren of rooms was a ploy to make you amble around and spend far more than intended, or what, but if it was, then Daisy fell for it. And seeing as I’d completely fallen for Daisy, I pulled out my credit card over and over again – for dresses, dress-jewellery, hairslides and hairbands.
When we reached the children’s bedroom things we bought two duvet sets, curtains, a lampshade and a set of fairy lights to go over her bed, a stencil to paint flowers on the wall and a mirror. She smiled the whole time and kept glancing at me like I might say no when she asked for stuff. I think her mother would have said no. But I had the money. Well, I had it now, although Sharon was doing her best to get it all off me.
We wasted the entire last three hours in Harrods, ended up in the sweets’ department and bought some of those too.
I was ten minutes late getting her back home, but Victoria was good about it. She smiled at Daisy then smiled at me when Daisy ran into the house with her bags of dresses, jewellery and hair stuff, to show her other dad.
‘Daisy! Come and say goodbye.’
I never went into the house. Victoria’s husband, David, still hated the whole idea of me muscling in on his family. I’d only seen him twice. He kept out of my way, and I didn’t push it. As long as I got to see Daisy, I didn’t care what he thought.
Daisy came back into the hall. I squatted down and her arms wrapped around my neck. ‘Goodbye, Daddy.’
‘Did you have a fun?’
‘Yes.’
‘Cool. I’ll see you tomorrow and we’ll paint the flowers on your wall, okay?’
‘Okay.’
I patted her back. I could feel her spine and ribs – she was such a tiny, pretty little thing, but full of jumping beans. Her arms slipped from around my neck. ‘Goodbye sweetheart.’ We were not on I love you terms yet. I did love her; it was a complete obsession – she was a living part of me. But I wasn’t sure if I should say it first or wait until she expressed the attachment.
‘Bye, Daddy.’ She turned and ran off again.
I handed Victoria Daisy’s backpack. ‘I bought her some sweets. They’re in there. I’ll see you in the morning.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Bye.’
‘Bye.’
Then I was at a loose end again. As I drove back into central London, I thought of Ivy. Of just turning up at hers – but she’d been adamant that I gave her two weeks, and maybe I’d blow it if I broke the rule. I went home and played ‘Assassin’s Creed’, which had become my new favourite adrenaline detox.
On Wednesday, I spent most of the day at work watching Ivy, without her knowing.
She was working on the new account with Phil and the two of them were in a deep debate at her desk, working out the finer details of a pitch. I was sitting in my office wondering if she was going to forgive me for the period I’d ignored her.
I knew Ivy was what I wanted. I’d been blind when I’d met Sharon. Or rather arrogant and easy to fool. I wasn’t blind any more and I knew, one hundred per cent, Ivy wasn’t interested in my money. She was the sort of woman I should’ve chosen in the first place – the sort of woman I could take home to my parents and introduce to Daisy.
I was completely sold on the idea of me and Ivy becoming something. I could see a future again. I’d spent the last days of my testing period developing the image in my head. I had two days of test left to go, and then I just had to convince her.
I didn’t hang around when five o’clock came. I got up, grabbed my coat off the rack in my office, then I walked past Ivy and said, ‘Goodnight, have a good evening.’
She looked at me oddly, but she’d been busy all day so I hadn’t had chance to say anything to her, and I didn’t want to blow everything because of not talking for one day.
‘You too,’ she said unemotionally, looking back down.
I carried on walking. Maybe I’d made an irreparable mess of things with her. Maybe on Friday she’d tell me to fuck off again. There’d been no sign to say she was interested in me now. She never watched me any more.
I rode the lift down to the basement, then changed into my leathers in the toilet down there. I put my stuff in the pannier on the bike. I was going to spend my evening building the flat-pack furniture in Daisy’s bedroom, ready for when she came to stay. The room was painted the colour she’d chosen, and on Sunday we’d decorated it with flower prints and lights and all the other stuff we’d been gathering to make it pretty.
I got on the bike and turned the key in the ignition, then twisted the throttle and revved the engine. It purred between my thighs as I let the break go. I lifted my feet and pulled away.
I held a hand up to Richard the attendant as I rode out of the car park.
I stopped at the entrance, watching for a gap in the traffic with my feet on the ground and straightened up a little. There was a car parked opposite, on the double yellows. The guy in the driver’s seat had his hoodie pulled up over his head. I stared at him when I pulled out across the road. Then in my wing mirror, I saw his indicator go on and he pulled out behind me. He was following.
When I hit the junction where I turned right, I watched the car turn behind me.
I pulled away from it, speeding up. But then I saw a police car turn into the road behind us. Shit. I slowed down again and the car kept on me.
What the hell? It followed for four streets, then we lost the police and I lost the car.
I parked the bike in the basement parking for my apartment, slipped off my helmet and found out my mobile phone, breathing hard. I slid up the contacts and called her.
‘Hi, I—’
‘What the fuck, Sharon! Call your fucking dogs off, will you! One of them just followed me home from work while I was on the bike! What are you trying to do now, fucking kill me? Seriously, I’m telling John, so if I do die you won’t get shit!’ I took a breath, ready to rip loose again—
‘You’re paranoid. It’s all the weed you smoke. I haven’t got anyone following you—’
‘I saw them.’
‘It was probably coincidence. I told you, it’s the cannabis. I don’t need to have anyone follow you. I know what you get up to. Like I know there was someone with you when you were up at the cottage over Christmas.’
Fuck. I didn’t answer. I didn’t want Ivy dragged into Sharon’s poison.
‘Who was it, Jack? You slept in the house with them, whoever it was. You never sleep in the house.’
‘How do you know?’
‘The housekeeper. You never tidied up in the house, and she rang here because she thought someone might have broken in. No one broke in, did they? It must have been someone special… Who was it?’
‘Me.’
‘Liar.’
‘Whatever. Call off your fucking watch dogs!’ I ended the call.
Shit. If she knew the girl was Ivy, she’d go for Ivy just for fun, and as Ivy and I worked together probably accuse Ivy of having an affair with me for months in the divorce papers.
Ivy wouldn’t welcome being cited in my divorce. I’d lose her then, for certain.