The rope tightened and pulled the harness I had on. ‘That’s me.’
‘Climb when ready,’ Jack called, to say he had the rope at the right tension.
I was learning to climb in the formal way, not his Spiderman, I’m-too-clever-to-fall-and-break-my-neck way. He’d gone through all the calls, and the safety requirements of the club with me.
He was right, it wasn’t so daunting here, and gripping hold of plastic things, which had been designed to be gripped, was very different. Plus there was the secure knowledge that I was one-hundred per cent safe.
‘Climbing,’ I answered.
‘Climb on!’
My heart thundered as I gripped the first pink-resin hold with my hand. Then I reached for another. Then I lifted my foot and found a hold and began to go up. I was using any colour hold that I could reach and grip, or stand on, but Jack had said the different colours were different routes, so if I got into it and I liked it more then I could climb different colour sets and they had varying levels of difficulty.
When I was only about a third of the way up the wall, he shouted, ‘Test the rope, Ivy! Just act like you fell!’
I looked back at him. ‘What? Why?’
‘Just do it. It’ll give you more confidence. You’ll feel securer. In control.’ The last words were said with a smile.
I let go of the holds on the wall. The rope took my weight, or rather, Jack on the other end of it did. He lowered me to the ground, grinning at me as I made a face at him.
‘Now climb again.’ He pulled the rope. ‘And you can jump off as many times as you like. I’ve got you; you can feel safe. Climb when ready.’
I took a breath and looked back at the wall. ‘Climbing.’
‘Climb on.’
This time I climbed more determinedly. He was right; I did feel safer. I focused on the lumps of bright-coloured resin, grasping one then another, and I didn’t even considered the distance between me and the floor.
When I got to the top, I was breathing hard and sweating, as though I’d done a work-out. I didn’t know how he could climb and make it look so effortless. ‘Go, Ivy!’ Jack shouted.
‘Woohoo!’ I yelled, but then I looked down and realised how high up I was.
‘Just let go of the wall and I’ll let you down slowly.’
I did as he said, and he did as he’d said. I was absolutely fine. ‘That was fun,’ I breathed when I got to the bottom and he started to unharness me.
He smiled. ‘Good. Then you’ll come again?’
‘Yes.’
‘I’d like that.’
I met his blue gaze. ‘I’d like it too, Jack.’
I was trying not to think about what Sharon had said… but she was right about one thing: I was tame compared to him. Dull. I really wasn’t sure about Jack’s interest in me – the depth of his attraction – whether he just liked me for now and it was a shallow thing that would fade quickly.
What if I ended up being his Rick, and he got bored of me as she’d said he would? That thought kept kicking at me every time I looked at him. I’d only just started believing I was more than a fling to him…
Jack undid my helmet. ‘We could go to a pub for a drink if you want to, now we’re done here? Or we could go back to mine for the night? Seeing as Sharon knows there’s no need for us to keep hiding.’
He turned to pick up the rope we’d been using and started winding it around his hand to his elbow.
‘Let’s go to yours.’ I hadn’t thought about the fact that Sharon knew meant we didn’t need to be secretive any more. But that was nice.
And his place was nice… ‘I like it,’ I said, as I walked in and he put the lights on. It was open-plan, with a row of windows along one wall. I could see the lights of London’s landscape through them. I bet on a clear night it was beautiful.
I glanced about the room. It was sparsely decorated but then I knew he wasn’t a man who liked fuss and frills. The colour scheme was cream, grey or light brown, and his sofa was a black-leather L-shape and everything was straight lines or square, and it was all ruthlessly tidy and spotlessly clean. He probably had a cleaner, though, so the cleanliness wasn’t his doing. But it still seemed over the top for a single-man cave. But maybe a playboy pad was not the same as a man cave… And I bet Captain Control hated untidiness.
‘You have a TV.’
‘I bought one for Daisy.’ He was stripping off his leathers. ‘Do you want to see what we’ve done with her room?’
‘Yes.’
He walked past me, I presumed leading me to Daisy’s room, but as he passed he pulled the zip down on my leather suit. ‘You’re staying, aren’t you?’
Yes, but I didn’t really feel at ease.
I followed him, stripping my leather onesie off my arms, so it hung from my waist. He opened a door off the hall on to a very different room: it was all frills. I laughed. ‘That is pretty, and really girly. I like it.’
‘Daisy chose it all. She loves it.’
‘Good for her. I like her style.’
He turned around and smiled at me. ‘And my bedroom’s just along there. I have red wine, but I wasn’t expecting you here so I don’t have any ale. Sorry.’
I stepped forward and touched his cheek. ‘You don’t need to apologise, wine’s okay.’
‘Then why don’t you go into the bathroom and start running a bath for the two of us and I’ll bring the wine. The bathroom is there.’
I stripped off my leather suit and boots in the hall first. ‘Where do I put these?’ I shouted. It echoed through the apartment.
‘I’ll take them.’ He appeared from along the hall, then walked past me into a huge bathroom. It had a black-and-white marble chequered floor, and pale-grey tiles on the walls, and a huge white cast-iron, roll-top bath, with the taps rising in a pillar from the floor. The shower took up a whole corner of the room; it had two showerheads and it was probably big enough for four people, not two. On the other side of the bathroom there were two sinks embedded into a black-marble top with white cupboards beneath it.
He put the wine and the glasses down beside one of the sinks, then turned on the taps to run a bath before taking my stuff and disappearing again.
When he came back I was stripping everything else off.
‘Do you want bubbles? I have some. Daisy bought a load of bath-bombs for when she stays over.’
‘Yeah, let’s have bubbles.’
He opened a cupboard under the sinks and took one out of a paper bag, then threw it into the water under the tap from a distance away. I remembered him skimming stones in the Lake District and my stones plopping into the water. That was a good comparison to the way we lived our lives; he skimmed along it, testing and trying anything and everything. I dropped into places – stayed there and sank. That was what I’d done with Rick, until I’d realised how unfair that was on both of us. I’d wanted to be like Jack – like the Jack of today. But Sharon was right, I wasn’t like him. I loved bouncing along with him, I loved the excitement and variety of his life, but I wouldn’t be doing any of it if I was on my own.
In the weeks I’d been single after Christmas I’d stayed in and done exactly what I’d always done – gone to yoga, spent time with Milly and Steve and gone out to the pub with Rick.
My heart pumped when I climbed over the edge of the bath, but not with a thrill-inspired feeling, with a fear that I’d got myself into something that was going to end up very painful and messy when it fell apart and he moved on. This was different to Christmas. At Christmas I hadn’t had any expectations, I’d been involved for the experience. Now I wanted him, not just moments and memories of him.
I loved him.
He watched my body move from across the room as I sat down in the water. He’d taken his top off, but he was still wearing his tight legging-style bottoms as he held the bottle of wine, busy taking the cork out.
‘Unless Daisy is really tall, you’re going to have to get her a stepladder to get into this thing.’
He looked at my eyes. The white light in the room made his eyes bluer.
‘I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll have to get a step or something. She’s not with me tomorrow, she has a friend’s party to go to. That’s why I said I’d meet the people about the Italian account, but Sunday is the last of my single days. In a fortnight, if she’s happy to stay over, I get my first full weekend with her. If she isn’t happy, though, I said we’d just spend Saturday together, like we’ve been doing, and then I’ll drive her back and pick her up again on Sunday. I’m trying not to put any pressure on her.’
‘You sound like you’re doing the right thing.’ Now I understood why he’d been changing; his control side slipped away when he talked about Daisy. ‘I bet she really loves you.’
He laughed, but turned away to pour the wine into the glasses. I watched the muscle play across his back, beneath his skin. ‘That’s a tricky thing.’ He turned back and came over, holding out a wine glass to me. ‘I love her. My tummy turns upside down every time I see her. She’s precious and she’s so like me it kicks me in the stomach every time I look at her. But I don’t say ‘I love you’ because I feel like she might feel uncomfortable.’
‘Thank you.’ I lifted the glass from his fingers. ‘I think you should say it. Maybe she’s waiting for you to say it before she does. She’s the kid. You’re the adult. You should take the leap. You’re a risk-taker, Jack.’
‘You’re such a fountain of good advice…’ He sipped from his glass, then put it in a special gold thing attached to the bath for holding glasses.
I wondered how many times he’d done this before and who with. Not Sharon, because this was the place he’d moved into when he’d split with her.
No prostitutes, then.
But there must have been some others. I wanted to ask, but I didn’t. I didn’t want to be the jealous girlfriend. God, that would make me even duller.
He stripped off his leggings and his tight boxers all in one, flashing me his bottom and his athletic- shaped legs. All the hours he spent climbing were worth it even if I only ever sat at the bottom of cliffs watching.
I picked up my glass and sipped from it as he got into the water. It swayed around me as he sank into the bubbles. ‘Ah, that feels good.’ His legs bumped with mine. ‘Did you want to sit facing me, or do you want to come cuddle?’
‘I don’t think cuddle is the word you’re really thinking of.’
‘Maybe not, but whatever, come over here.’
I swivelled around, trying not to spill my wine or slosh bathwater and bubbles over him. Then I settled between his legs, my back against his chest.
His arm came around me and his fingers began idly playing with my breast as his forearm rested against my middle. My head fell back on to his shoulder. I love you. I wasn’t brave enough to be the first to say it either. But it was true. He made me feel good inside. I loved all his excitement and the thrilling fear ride, and his alpha-male control levels. They were Jack’s charm, his Unique Selling Point; the things that made him who he was. I’d fallen for them and him, head over arse. But it made Sharon’s words burrow deeper into my head. What if he didn’t ever love me because I was too dull? It would be Rick and me turned the other way around.
I sighed out a breath. Wet fingers brushed my hair from my brow.
But I wasn’t going to let any risk of the future ruin now.
But the impact…
That would be massive.
And the probability…
I didn’t know what it was. Medium to high, maybe… He’d slept with a lot of girls before me.
‘Ivy, whatever you’re thinking about, stop. Relax.’
I nodded. My hair rubbing against his chest.
We didn’t have sex in the bath, we just lay there and talked while his fingers played with my breast and my nipple, or stroked over my tummy, or skimmed along my inner thigh, or brushed over the sensitive skin in the cleft between my legs.
But when we got to the bedroom, all warm and wrapped up in towels, then it was a feast of sex like we’d had at Christmas, both of us playing like ravenous gluttons, and he pulled out silk scarves from a drawer and tied me up, leaving me pressed on my tummy, and smacked me, the bastard. But later on I got him back and did the same.
It was fun, because it was so different for me. But was that because I wasn’t like him – and who else had he used the scarves with?
‘Would you like another cup of tea?’ Jack leant down and took the plate off my lap. He was waiting on me and looking after me just like he had when we’d been away at Christmas.
‘Yes, please.’
He kissed my cheek. There was a sentiment there that hadn’t been there at Christmas, though.
He smiled when he pulled away. He was walking around in loose jogging bottoms, which hung low on his narrow hips, but he was bare-chested. I’d like to wake up to the view of him like that every morning.
His fingers tapped my cheek. ‘You know, you’ll have to go after that. I have to work. I have the people coming from that Italian company. I’m picking them up at the airport, then taking them to the office to talk shop before we go out to dinner.’
‘That’s okay.’
‘And tomorrow I have Daisy.’
‘I know. I’ll get up and get out of your way.’
‘You don’t have to rush. I just need to leave by twelve.’
I nodded. But when he left the room, I got up anyway and disappeared to have a shower. When he found out, he joined me in there and we did a lot of touching, then he lifted up my legs and we had sex against the wall under the shower heads, talking and laughing as we did it.
I wanted this life with him. I didn’t want him to get bored of me.
When we left, he was late, so he dropped me at the nearest tube station, not at home. He held the back of my neck when we said goodbye, leaning across from the driver’s seat, and kissed me hard, his tongue sweeping across the seam of my lips. I opened my mouth and indulged in a full-on snog, parked on the double-yellow lines right outside the tube station, clinging to the arm of his duffle coat.
He’d dressed in a dark-grey suit with a dark-blue shirt for his meeting and he looked handsome to the extent he made my thong wet just looking at him. ‘See you,’ he breathed into my mouth.
‘Yeah.’
I got out and he waved when he pulled away. I moved my helmet to the other hand, which held my leather suit too, and waved back. A part of me drove away in the car with him. I watched him all the way along the street.
I smiled to myself when I turned and ran down the steps into the tube station, my heart racing – with excitement, we’d had an amazing night – but with fear too. I didn’t know how long this was going to last.
People looked at me oddly because I carried my leathers and my helmet and I was, weirdly, wearing my climbing gear that I’d had on the night before.
I worked out what line connected to a route out to mine, then got on the escalator down. My life felt like a dream world whenever Jack became tangled up in it.
On the tube a young guy opposite me had his earphones in and his music playing loudly. But my heart played a louder dance rhythm. Jack was everything I wanted. I was happy, so happy, but shaky. We were destined to crash. I knew it. I had to keep living for now and not think of the future.
I was deep in thought when I got off the tube at the other end and I climbed up the steps to the street level thinking about Jack. I didn’t even concentrate when I walked home. I was walking on auto pilot, my thoughts a mile away, until I had to cross the road to get to my flat. When I looked to see if any cars were coming, I caught someone step out from a gap in the hedge, where a gate must be, and then step back out of sight. It looked like the guy I’d kept seeing.
I crossed over quickly and pulled out my keys. Then pressed in the code to open the door. When I went in, Greg was in the hall.
‘Ivy.’ He nodded at me.
I nodded a greeting but hurried upstairs before he could start asking questions and delaying me. I wasn’t in the mood. But when I reached the last flight of stairs…
Shit. The door was open.
It looked open…
My heart smacked against my ribs.
It was open! The wood was splintered around the lock. Someone had forced it open. My fingers shook as air stuck in my lungs. I pushed the door open wider with the back of my arm and walked in. Nothing had moved. There wasn’t much there, but nothing seemed to be missing or disturbed. It looked like they’d broken in and lain on the bed.
Oh my God. I dropped my leathers and my helmet and then bent to fish out my phone.
Oh my God.
I felt like I’d collapse but I couldn’t sit because the only place to sit was on the bed and I didn’t want to sit on it – or touch the bed. Whoever had been in here had lain on it.
I walked out on to the landing and sat on the top step of the stairs, then rang Jack.
‘Hi, it’s Jack, sorry I’m busy. I’ll get back to you. Promise.’ Damn, he probably had his phone turned off. I didn’t leave a message. I couldn’t put the words together on a message. I needed to hear a voice.
I called Mum.
‘Hello, Ivy, your father and I were—’
‘Mum, someone broke into my flat. The door is broken. They’ve been on the bed…’ It was said through sniffs as my shock became tears. I swiped the back of my hand over my cheek and under my nose.
‘Have you called the police?’
‘No.’
‘Okay, dad will call them now and get them to send someone over.’
‘I can’t go in there, Mum.’
‘What did they take?’
‘Nothing.’
‘And there’s no one around. No one saw them?’
‘I don’t know…’ I was confused and desperate… Frightened. My heels started bumping on the step as my legs shook and I huddled up, holding the phone tight to my ear. I wished Mum was here. I wished Jack was here!
‘Dad is calling the police.’
‘Thank you. I can’t believe somebody did that. Who would do that? Why would they do that?’
‘Do you want to come home?’
‘No, I can’t. I can’t leave. The door’s open. I can’t lock it.’
‘I’ll get Dad to call for a locksmith too.’
‘But the wood is damaged. The door is damaged.’
‘Brian. Can you call a locksmith, and Ivy says that the door itself is damaged. Can you tell them in case they have to do anything about that? It might need a carpenter.’
I gripped the phone tighter, trying to breathe.
‘The police are on their way, sweetheart.’
‘Thank you.’ They were the last words I managed before I began crying uncontrollably into the phone as my free arm clasped across my middle.
Mum carried on talking, trying to reassure me. I couldn’t listen. I didn’t know if it had been one minute or one hour since I’d come home when the police eventually arrived. They’d pressed my buzzer but I hadn’t answered because it would have meant going back into my room and I didn’t want to be in there.
Someone else let them in.
I heard them talking as they came upstairs. Greg, was leading them. ‘Ivy didn’t say she’d had a break-in. I just saw her.’
‘Did you see anyone else?’
‘No, no one suspicious.’
It wasn’t the policeman I heard talking, but a policewoman who came around the corner of the stairs first. ‘Hello. Ivy Cooper?’
I tried to stand up but I was shaking too much. The lady hurried up the stairs and held my arm. ‘It’s okay. Take it steady.’ She helped me stand. ‘Is this your room?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you want to go in and sit down?’
‘No.’ I looked at Greg, who came round the corner of the stairs with the policeman. I didn’t know Greg really. I didn’t want him here. Anyone could have broken into my room. He could have…
The policewoman looked at Greg as the policeman walked past us. ‘Thank you for showing us up. If you can stay in your flat we’ll come and speak to you in a moment, but please leave us now.’ She was perceptive. But then, I guess they faced things like this all the time. I didn’t.
The policeman walked around in my room making notes.
‘Can I call someone for you? Do you have family?’
‘I’ve already rung my mum. She rang you. But they don’t live near here.’
‘Is there anyone else?’
‘No one who can come over.’ Milly was visiting her parents, she’d be back this evening.
‘Have you contacted a locksmith to get the place secure?’
‘My mum and dad are sorting it out.’
‘Okay. That’s good.’
The policeman came out of my room. ‘When did you find it like this?’
‘When my mum rang you?’
‘How long were you out for?’
‘I was away last night. I went out after work.’
He was making notes every time I answered. ‘Have you any idea who did this?’
‘No.’
‘Is there anything missing.’
‘No.’ My hand trembled as I wiped my nose on my sleeve. ‘Not that I can see.’
‘Has anything been moved or touched?’
‘Only the bed covers.’
‘Molly, if you stay with Miss Cooper I’ll do some door-knocking and see if anyone saw anything.’
‘Okay.’ She looked at me. ‘If you don’t want to sit down in the room, would you like to come out and sit in the car until the locksmith arrives?’
‘Yes, please.’
‘I’ll see if I can get the man downstairs to make you a mug of tea too.’
‘Thanks.’ My brain echoed with a numb silence.
When she left me in the car, I thought of someone I could call. I looked up my contacts. Then pressed the call icon.
‘Hi, Ivy. Are you in need of a night at the pub?’
‘Rick. I… someone broke into my flat. Milly’s busy. Would you come over? I feel sick.’
‘What about the police?’
‘They’re here.’
‘I’m getting my coat. I’ll be there as soon as I can.’
‘Thank you.’
The policewoman came back holding two mugs. I opened the window and she handed mine through, then she opened the front passenger door and sat in the front seat.
‘I phoned a friend. My ex is going to come over.’
‘Is he reliable?’
‘Yes. He’ll look after me until my friend is free.’ I couldn’t stay here tonight and Jack was with the clients, so I’d take my stuff to Milly’s. But that meant I had to go back into the flat. ‘Would you come with me while I pack some things? I don’t want to be in there alone.’
‘Of course, let’s finish our tea first, though.’
She spoke to me, sipping her tea between sentences, and asked lots of questions, about various things, I think mostly trying to calm me down, but she did ask a little bit more when I spoke about Jack and Sharon, as if she was considering whether they were the culprits.
I felt better when I went back into the house, a little less in shock. More in control of myself. But my heart banged against my ribs like a fist when we walked upstairs. I could hear the policeman questioning one of my neighbours on the first floor; a man I didn’t know at all.
When I turned the corner on to the stairs that only led to my little room in the attic, the open door loomed ahead of me. My flat was nothing special, but I’d liked it. Now I didn’t know if I could ever stay in it again.
‘I’d get your lock changed to a chub lock. They’re more secure.’
‘But someone let him in downstairs, so…’
‘I know. But at least then you’ll feel safer when you’re in here and we’ll remind the other residents not to let anyone through who’s calling for someone else.’
‘Thank you. That’s twice someone’s let them in, and I’ve been feeling like someone followed me, and…’ I remembered. ‘When I came in today, just before, I thought I saw someone in the street who’d followed me around the corner and then turned back. I’ve seen him a lot.’
‘Okay. Well you get packed and then we’ll get a full statement.’
She stayed with me while I packed. It didn’t take me long – my hands shook too much to pack properly, so I threw things into my rucksack. I didn’t even know if I had what I needed; my brain was too messed up to think.
I sat in the police car again to go through my statement. Then the locksmith arrived to look at the door. His verdict was that I needed a new door, but he knew a carpenter who could fix it. The door was Greg’s responsibility, though, and so the policewoman handled all the conversations with Greg. He called his insurance company to see if they would cover it. The whole thing screamed like a nightmare.
When Rick finally arrived after nearly an hour, I threw myself at him, flinging my arms around his neck, then cried my eyes out against his shoulder. ‘It’s okay.’ He rubbed my back gently. ‘I’m here.’
That sense of being home swamped me, the feeling of slippers and sofas to curl up on – that sense of security that had always surrounded Rick. ‘What took you so long?’ I said against his chest.
‘I’d stayed at Jessica’s. But I’m here now. It’s okay,’ he said again as he looked at the policewoman while I continued gripping him in a bear hug and sobbing. ‘Is everything sorted? Have you got any idea who did it?’
‘We’re doing a full investigation.’
Rick patted my back and I think he looked at the policewoman a bit helplessly because she said, ‘We’ll refer you to victim support, Ivy.’
‘That’s cool.’ Rick replied for me. ‘Thank you.’
‘I suggest you wait until the carpenter arrives and finishes what he needs to do, then you can leave. Our team might even be finished by then.’
In the end, I gave up my fear of Greg maybe being involved and agreed to go back inside to wait, but with Rick. I wouldn’t have gone in there on my own. We sat on his sofa, with me hugging Rick like he was the last human on earth, as I kept crying. Rick’s arm hung around me and he stroked my hair. ‘I called Steve on the way over. He didn’t know.’
God how stupid. I was planning to go to Milly’s and I hadn’t even asked her. ‘He and Milly went to her parents; they’re not home until later. I didn’t ring her. But they’ll let me go there, won’t they? When they get back, they’ll let me stay there…’
‘You can kip at mine if you want? I’ll take the sofa. You can have the bed.’
‘No. I’ll go to Milly’s.’ It would be too weird staying in the place we used to live in together and— ‘You have Jessica now. She wouldn’t like it, would she? I’ll call Milly.’ I sat up and got my phone out of my pocket, rang her and told her everything, and she said I could stay.
Once the carpenter had put a new door and lock on and the police had finished going over everything, I locked up and walked away.
The police said they’d let me know what was happening and Greg said he’d keep an eye out for any weirdoes. I still wasn’t sure if he was the weirdo, though; he was always appearing when I came in, like he waited for me, and he’d been the same with Rick as he was with Jack, staring too much, and he’d said in a knowing way when Rick arrived, ‘Oh your friend came then…’ in a sarcastic voice, like he was judging me for having men call here.
When Rick and I walked down the steps to the street my eyes looked everywhere as my body felt like I had creepy crawlies all over me. I couldn’t trust anyone.
Rick and I waited in a café near Milly and Steve’s for them to get back. I left my phone on the table by my elbow, hoping Jack would call back. After about an hour, it vibrated, shaking on the tabletop and sending a tremor through me. I snatched it up. ‘Jack,’ I breathed, before I’d even got the phone to my mouth and ear.
‘Hey, what is it?’ His voice gripped at my soul. ‘I’m between the meeting and the dinner, but I saw your missed call.’
‘Someone broke into my flat.’
‘No.’
‘The door was forced open. The police said it was done with a crowbar.’
‘Shit. Why?’
‘I don’t know. The person didn’t take anything. But the police have taken fingerprints and pictures and it has to be the same person who looked at my post.’
‘But why, Ivy? That’s not Sharon’s style at all. She likes public showdowns. She wouldn’t do that. What has she got to gain from that? Shit.’
His voice sounded shaky. ‘I’ll call, Em. I’ll get her to take over here and I’ll come and get you.’
‘No. It’s okay, I’m going to stay at a friend’s. It’s all organised and you have Daisy tomorrow. You need to focus on that. I was shaken up but I’m okay now. I’ll be alright.’
‘Are you sure? I’m willing to drop this if you need me to? I’m sure Em would stand in.’
‘Emma doesn’t do sales. You’re the sales person. You carry on, I’m fine.’
‘You’re sure?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then promise you’ll call me if you need me. I’ll leave my phone on vibrate on the table. If you need anything ring and I’ll go to the loo or something and ring you back.’
‘Thanks. But I’ll be okay.’
‘I feel like shit now. I want to be with you.’
‘It’s fine.’
He took a breath and blew it out harshly. I could tell he really wanted to leave the clients and come over, but he couldn’t do anything here and he had to be with Daisy tomorrow, so I couldn’t go to his.
‘It’s okay. Just have a good day with Daisy tomorrow.’
‘I’ll call you later.’
‘No, don’t if it’s late, I know Milly has some Valium stashed away for emergencies. I’ll probably take one, I’ll be wiped out.’
He made a sound like he wasn’t happy he wouldn’t be able to talk to me.
‘I’ll see you on Monday – it’s alright.’
‘See you then, but take care and call me if you need me.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Bye.’ He blew me a kiss down the phone.
‘Bye.’ I didn’t blow a kiss back, Rick was sitting opposite me and his eyes were asking, who?
As soon as I ended the call the question was voiced. ‘Who was that?’
‘I… the guy I’m seeing. I’ve started dating someone too.’
‘You didn’t say…’
‘I know. But it’s only been days, it was too soon.’
His mouth set in a line and he nodded slowly.
‘It’s the guy I spent Christmas with. We’ve got back together, but it only happened a couple of weeks ago.’
‘Well, I hope he’s good to you.’
‘I’m hoping he’s good to me too.’
Things went silent for a minute. ‘Are you angry that I called you, when—’
‘When you’re seeing someone else.’ He shook his head. ‘No, I’m glad you still feel able to call me. And I’m seeing someone else too, remember…’
‘Yes.’ I reached across the table and clasped Rick’s hand. ‘Thank you for coming. I appreciate you helping me. He’s working and I had no one else to call.’ Was this me controlling Rick still? Hanging on the safety line he was willing to keep hold of at the other end. Maybe I was as controlling as Jack, in a more subversive way, still pulling on Rick’s kindness when it suited me. But so what? I didn’t care at the moment. I needed Rick.
‘It’s okay. I didn’t mind. Where did you meet this guy?’
‘At work. It’s Jack.’
‘Your boss?’
‘Yes.’
‘I thought he was married.’
‘They’ve been separated for ages, they’re getting a divorce.’
‘You and him haven’t been going on longer?’
‘No. I wouldn’t have done that to you. I’m not like that.’
He stared at me for a moment, then sighed out a breath. ‘It feels weird you seeing someone else.’
‘It felt weird for me when you told me about Jessica. It’s strange isn’t it?’ But that made the point. It wasn’t fair of me to keep holding on to him as my safety line when he had Jessica at the other end of it too.
‘Yes.’ He shrugged as his lips twisted into a bitter smile. ‘It is weird. To think we spent all that time together. I thought it was going to be you and me forever.’
I swallowed against the lump suddenly grasping at my throat. My face twisted in a strained expression too. I’d hurt him when I left. He hadn’t deserved it. A piece of me ached for the comfort of the easy life I’d left, when I hadn’t been afraid of anything. But I ought to let that life go completely. I needed to move on and I ought to let him move on without me jerking on the safety rope that kept pulling him back.
He stood up. ‘Come on. Milly and Steve should be home by the time we walk there.’